To hate it when men 'joke' like this.

[KindergartenKop]

Maybe it's not always men but I've never experienced a woman who has done this.

So today I took DS1 to a charity shop. He picked two books at 50p each. I gave Ds a pound coin. The man at the till took the books and said, 'That's four pounds please'. Ds looked worried and the man said 'Only joking, it's one pound'. We paid and left.
I've had people say this sort of thing to me so often and it always beffuddles me and makes me feel stupid. Am I the only person who attracts this form of idiocy? Aibu to be pissed off that this man worried my son? It's not fucking funny!

So self esteem and self worth aren't a good thing? Of course they are

Of course they are. But it's so easy to tell someone to 'get over something'

What you're talking about - bullying about your speech impediment, isn't the same

No it isn't.

However

When does 'having a joke at someone's expense (which happens a lot in life ) become bullying?

Neither do I

I'd have a guess that his 4 pound non joke jokes are probably about it the extent of his non comedy, comedy.

Beginning to think that a sizeable number of mumsnetters are actually Vulcans.

Can't say I'd peg the man down as a bully, but I'd be truly nonplussed - in the British English definition; as in 'what the hell was the point in him saying it? It served no purpose AT all.

I have a good sense of humour, I tease DS all the time (we know when we are joking around), and laugh with friends and colleagues, often making jokes about myself.

This, on a 4 year old in particular, was not a joke.

This thread is truly magnificent

They've been brought up not to care about other people's negative opinions.

That's not always a positive trait.

They've been brought up not to care about other people's negative opinions.

Maybe the world would be a nicer place if people were brought up to be more considerate of other people's feelings. It's ingrained. We are all programmed to an extent to care what people think of us. Not slating your parenting but it's easier said than done to ignore other people's negative opinions. And like a pp said that's not always a good trait to have.

YANBU, in my experience it's an older generation man thing. I don't know why they do it, presumably they enjoy watching children's faces as they look unsure and blush, can't think of any other reason.

When does 'having a joke at someone's expense (which happens a lot in life ) become bullying?

My answer to this is:

• If the "joker" does it to somebody knowing that they don't like it, perhaps if they've done it before. Doing it again is deliberately winding them up.

• If the "joker" keeps on mentioning it. For instance, if said shopkeeper said on the next visit "Now, you can wait while I just check the prices extremely carefully, I'll make sure I can add up this time...".

• If the "joker" pretends to be absolutely serious, and carries on doing so even after the other person starts looking uneasy;

• If the "joker" knows that there's a lot at stake. For instance, on results day: "did you fail your A-levels, are you going to cry?". In the OP's example, being in a shop and handing over the money yourself is a big thing for a child doing it for the first time.

• If the "joker" is about to go through airport security.

I think if the "joker" is in a position of authority over the person on the receiving end (to a small child, shopkeepers, teachers, police officers, doctors, parents, adult relatives are all authority figures) then that sort of "joking" is all the more risky, unless you know the person concerned, and how they might react. We wouldn't find it funny if cabin crew started telling us we didn't have enough fuel to get to where we were going so we would have to do an emergency landing, even if their next sentence was "happy April Fools Day".

To balance the argument a bit, here are some things I remember adults saying, all before I was seven years old, which I knew were meant to be funny. Although I usually saw the funny side straight away, I still remember that moment of hesitating to "check" it was a joke:

Teacher: "I haven't told you to tidy up yet."
Me (aged 6): "She (another pupil) told me to start tidying up."
Teacher: "If she told you to put your hand in the fire, would you do it?"
(If teacher had said "well, you'd put your hand in the fire if someone told you to", this would be far worse.)

Dinner lady on first aid duty: "With all your falling over, you keep breaking my playground."

Teacher: "...or you'll find yourself in deep water. Hot!"

Shopkeeper (handing over 1p change): "Don't spend it all at once."

Dad: "If you sit that close to the fire, you'll get your feet burnt off, like Pinocchio."

They have a lot of empathy and are understanding just that they aren't given to worrying about what people think of them

Maybe they are but they haven't told you? Because you might just tell them to get over it?

It's easy to tell a child to not let something worry or upset them when someone makes them the 'butt of a joke' but that does not mean the child isn't upset. It might well mean they learn not to tell you when they get upset.

I used to work as a cashier. The two jokes I COULD NOT STAND were (1) if something didn't scan, customer often said, "Oh, it must be free," which just isn't funny. And hearing it five times a shift didn't make it funnier. The other thing, if I didn't know what an item of produce was and had to ask the customer (it happens in a big supermarket with lots of exotic produce) they would then tell me what all the other things were -- "Those are potatoes. Those are carrots." Not funny!

Ah yes, call it "banter" or "teasing" and that somehow makes the casual cruelty to someone weaker than yourselves totally fine and acceptable.

Same as the way assault is fine as long as its between people younger than 18 and labelled "bullying".

Strange that so many people who have been the target of banter and bullying are so unreasonably unamused by it, isnt it? I guess theyre just being precious

I like to think I have a good sense of humour and I laugh often. At things that are funny.

An adult with empathy would recognise that for a 4 year old, buying a couple of books in a charity shop is a big deal. A kind adult might want to enhance the experience for the little boy, by making him feel particularly grown up. that will be £1 please young sir

You don't need to be particularly intelligent, to know that telling a young boy that the money he and his Mum have sorted out in advance is incorrect will confuse the poor lad.

OP this annoys me too.

I bet people working in some professions hear the same comments time and time again. Sometimes it can be to 'lighten the load', to ease tensions etc.

'Would you like sugar?' - but the 'humoures response is so predictable

'How do you like your coffee?'

I bet a lot of rolling of eyes and gritting of teeth go on when some people make the same comments everyday.

I hate this too.

Not about money, but I was in a hotel recently and if you wanted porridge or poached eggs you had to ask the waitress/waiter and they cooked it to order.

So I asked the waiter - but he said no, no, you have to order 24 hours in advance. OK, no problem I said. Weird but whatever.

Then he burst out laughing as if it was the funniest thing ever and said of course you didn't, I'll be back with your porridge. He just made me feel a fool.

I saw him joking and laughing really loudly with another couple who also looked a bit

Not sure what I'm twisting, Navy - literally the only thing you said in your post was

They've been brought up not to care about other people's negative opinions.

and your two previous posts were

My DC aren't sensitive in the slightest.

and

Maybe so but I'm talking about my children here who aren't sensitive.

What am I twisting?

You're saying your children aren't sensitive and don't care what other people think about them.

If I had children and somebody told me that they weren't sensitive and didn't care what people thought of them, it might be that they're impressed by their resilience but equally it might be that they think they're unable to consider others' points of view and aren't very empathetic. Hence the "not always a positive trait" comment. I wasn't saying that your children are the latter of the two descriptions, but it's not as though lack of empathy is something most people aspire to for their kids. Hence the "not always".

No, you're wrong sorry

Now you're coming across as someone who can't see other people's POV. If someone dismisses your feelings by saying 'it's not you, it's them, don't let them get to you' - then you will be reluctant to open up as you'll just be told to 'get over it and don't let them get to you'.

You probably don't see that as dismissing their feelings. You see it as helping their self esteem and telling them not to let it worry them. But what if it is worrying them?

Then what?

You're wrong about my children hiding the fact that they were upset by someone's comment

But if you keep telling them to 'get over it and not let the other person get to them' - do you think that's a healthy response?

Or do you let them talk about it, how it affects them etc.

And would you raise concerns with the school if it was happening at school?

I'm just saying that children might learn not to bother discussing issues as they will just be told to not let it get to them.

I think it's ok for comments to get to people - and it's important to let the DC talk about it and have that discussion about how they feel. Let it out.