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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when men 'joke' like this.

647 replies

KindergartenKop · 17/09/2016 19:29

Maybe it's not always men but I've never experienced a woman who has done this.

So today I took DS1 to a charity shop. He picked two books at 50p each. I gave Ds a pound coin. The man at the till took the books and said, 'That's four pounds please'. Ds looked worried and the man said 'Only joking, it's one pound'. We paid and left.
I've had people say this sort of thing to me so often and it always beffuddles me and makes me feel stupid. Am I the only person who attracts this form of idiocy? Aibu to be pissed off that this man worried my son? It's not fucking funny!

OP posts:
AGruffaloCrumble · 18/09/2016 10:44

You don't know if it will bother him or not. You don't have to have SN to be bothered by something. The simple solution is to just not make "jokes" at other people's expense as you have no idea how it will make them feel.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 18/09/2016 10:44

Just to clarify- I think I was the first person who said bullying.

I wasn't saying the cashier in the shop was bullying the 4 year old, even though they confused/upset him.

I was saying that "it was only a joke", "I was only joking" & "it's only a bit of banter" are lines used by people to 'excuse' or justify bullying. The use of those phrases mean it wasn't a joke or banter because you are having to explain it was a joke because the other person involved didn't find it funny. If it was a workplace situation and someone continually singled someone out for "jokes" like this, it would be bullying. For it to be bullying, I think the behaviour needs to be targeted and ongoing. A one off encounter in a shop when the cashier probably is mean to all their customers isn't bullying, but it is nasty.

AidingAndAbetting · 18/09/2016 10:45

I would be surprised if many NT 4 year olds were able to understand and appreciate this 'joke'.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2016 10:46

I've just realised though that my 4yo probably would 'get' this - but only if the 'joker' then cried 'tricked you' and cackled loudly, because that's exactly what she does!

She's learning the concept of tricking people, occasionally does it well but usually just says something obviously wrong, then cries 'tricked you!' with great glee. I am gradually teaching her that the thing has to be convincing to be a trick, and the reveal quick for it to work as a joke. Maybe I'm training her to be a buffoon! (Think she'll grow out of it).

imwithspud · 18/09/2016 10:48

If your child takes things too literally it's up to you to teach them not to! Otherwise how on earth will they cope with life

No one teaches their child to take things literallyHmmthat's just how they are developmentally until they have the cognitive ability to differentiate between someone who's making s jokey comment and someone who's being serious.

I am a fully grown adult and even I struggle sometimes to tell whether someone is joking or not in certain situations (the suspected ASD doesn't help). I'd be seen as 'not coping' with life by your standards.

CandyMcJingles · 18/09/2016 10:51

What is it that compels a man to make crap jokes?
I use a white cane (visually impaired) and this man said to me "off to play golf with that?" and was very amused with himself, chuckling away.
Knob.
If someone did that joke from the op with my DD who is 3, I would just say, what a silly man, he can't count! And turn the joke back on him. And let her realise for herself that men can be dicks (as can women).

AdelindSchade · 18/09/2016 10:51

Madmotherof4 that's very funny.

My dad used to do this type of thing all the time. He sometimes would pretend that he was going to fall over cliffs or into lakes. Didn't give me life skills, it just made me anxious.

I think it is more of a male thing ime but not exclusively so.

Rachel0Greep · 18/09/2016 10:53

Exactly. It's actually one of the things I love with small children that they take things absolutely literally. It's not about 'training' them not to do it. Hmm

limitedperiodonly · 18/09/2016 10:55

There was a comedian who would do a sketch which would always end with the stooge walking off and him shouting: 'No mate. I was only joking. Come back.'

It was funny the first couple of times I saw it because it was skewering these people. Unfortunately, he kept doing it.

It might have been Paul Whitehouse, who can be very funny but was also responsible for The Fast Show, which is about as funny as having a poo and finding out there's no loo roll.

NavyandWhite · 18/09/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 18/09/2016 11:02

apologies to pearl i misunderstood your post

your fil sounds charming Shock

PregnantAndEngaged · 18/09/2016 11:03

YANBU, I think these types of "jokes" are done to make the person look or feel stupid. I've had this happen to me. I used to be nervous about travelling in case I got the wrong bus/train/etc and ended up in the wrong location, I don't know if this is showed on my face/body language etc but once I asked for a ticket to XYZ place and the man completely deadpan said "Sorry, we're not going there." And I panicked as I had no idea which bus to get instead and thought I'd get lost blah blah, and then he was like "just kidding". How is that funny?!?!

balletcats · 18/09/2016 11:03

Navy I do normally agree with your posts but the thing is here, it's different.

It's not like 'ooh remember your umbrella!' if everyone is sweltering in the sun. That would be more getting the age that kids 'get' irony wrong.

This isn't having a joke WITH the child, it is a joke aimed AT the child. The whole point being that the child is too young to deal with the situation and becomes confused or upset.

That's why I hate it!

AGruffaloCrumble · 18/09/2016 11:04

Navy It's not a joke. Maybe he should learn some better ones. I've been a customer service advisor for years, I don't make stupid comments at the expense of customers.

limitedperiodonly · 18/09/2016 11:06

The simple solution is to just not make "jokes" at other people's expense as you have no idea how it will make them feel.

That is the path to hell. On Friday, someone commissioned me to do a piece of work that has to be in tomorrow. I accepted the commission. The work is done which is why I'm on MN.

He then said: 'I hope it doesn't mess up your weekend plans.' I said it did but I'd get over it and smiled. That was true, btw I have had to rearrange things, but I was also making a small, possibly feeble, joke. If I didn't want to do it I'd have turned the work down.

I later learned he said: 'Limited said I'd ruined her weekend and I was only trying to be nice and offering her money.' Confused

Ohflippinheck · 18/09/2016 11:07

I haven't RTFT because 10(!) pages.
But try the reverse:
I was working at my volunteer job at the charity shop where everyone is so lovely and friendly. I always enjoy a bit of a joke with the customers and I thought I'd have a little joke with a lovely little boy who was buying some books with his mum.
Well, I'm not sure how I managed to offend them but the Mum looked daggers at me! Maybe everyone isn't so friendly there after all.

It sounds like the poor guy was just making a (slightly clumsy) attempt to be funny.
Your kid will need to know how to deal with comments he doesn't understand soon enough, couldnt you have just explained it was a joke so he knows next time not to take it personally?
I think it's a bit self absorbed to assume the person intended to demean you in some way, sorry.

Ego147 · 18/09/2016 11:13

and I thought I'd have a little joke with a lovely little boy who was buying some books with his mum

It's not a joke. It's not funny. It's bizarre.

If I was buying something from a shop and the shopkeeper said it was 4 times as much, I wouldn't have been impressed. Nor found it funny.

I think DS would have thought the guy was being a prat.

balletcats · 18/09/2016 11:15

Limited I must admit I'd have interpreted your comment in the same way!

IcedVanillaLatte · 18/09/2016 11:17

How would the thread go if the guy said:

I was working at my volunteer job at the charity shop where everyone is so lovely and friendly. I always enjoy a bit of a joke with the customers and I thought I'd have a little joke with a lovely little boy who was buying some books with his mum. He came up to the desk with a pound's worth of books and I told him it was four pounds. He looked worried. Well, I'm not sure how I managed to offend them but the Mum looked daggers at me! Maybe everyone isn't so friendly there after all.

I bet he'd get told his joke was feeble and a bit mean.

Ohflippinheck · 18/09/2016 11:19

ego just because other people don't find it funny it doesn't mean the guy intended it to cause offense.

squizita · 18/09/2016 11:20

We often advise children to only make a joke with others/if you know they'll laugh not feel sad.
Plain good manners.
NOT political correctness.
NOT expecting shop staff to be lowly.
Plain good old fashioned manners.

Stop sticking up for the rude, horrible joker.*

*ime this type of both genders can't take it like they can dish it out either, and are quick to start "blustering" like a puffed up old stereotypical daily mail letter ranter. This annoys me even more.

iwasyoungonce · 18/09/2016 11:21

YANBU.

It's a pet hate of mine, and IME it is almost always men that do it.

In a waiting room, waiting for my 6yo son to have a MRI scan on his brain, I was trying to keep him occupied by practising some maths with him. He loves maths. Very quietly, we were doing times tables. 3 x 4. 6 x 5. etc.

The man next to me (who we hadn't spoken to at all until this point) suddenly nudges me and whispers - "here, give him a trick one.." and then says "what's half times half?" to my DS.

Now firstly, that's not a "trick" question, it's just too advanced for a 6 year old.

And secondly - what EXACTLY is the point of doing this? In my mind, he was just trying to point out to my son that he's not as clever as he might think. Put him in his place. Feel like he has 'got one over on him'. On a SIX year old. (Slow hand clap).

Some people really enjoy making kids feel silly. It's not funny to anyone other than the fuckwit making the "joke".

Ego147 · 18/09/2016 11:21

just because other people don't find it funny it doesn't mean the guy intended it to cause offense

Never said anything about causing offense. Personally, I'd have told him he had his maths wrong. DS would have thought the guy was an idiot who couldn't do basic maths.

What it isn't is funny. What's funny about it?

balletcats · 18/09/2016 11:22

I'm positive he didn't mean to cause offence but that's the point really. Sometimes things become so normal and ingrained in a culture we don't stop to analyse them.

It's true people have been laughing at small children for years. Does not make it acceptable.

NavyandWhite · 18/09/2016 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.