Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 17/09/2016 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 12:36

How about asking them one more time what time they're arriving, and if you get no answer cancelling their visit? "Sorry, we have a lot on on X day and we need a time or we will have to go out."

I don't get why you would sit in all day waiting for people who are too rude to even tell you when they plan to get to your house.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2016 13:01

I agree fil is very rude both to invite himself and a bunch of people, expecting to be fed as well as not giving a time.

purpleshortcake · 17/09/2016 13:05

Just thought that a good way of wording of might be...

Not sure if you were planning on staying for dinner but DH and I were planning a takeaway. You're welcome to join us or bring something to heat up if you'd prefer.....

purpleshortcake · 17/09/2016 13:16

And Handbagcrab why so scathing about people suggesting alternatives? OP obviously isn't 100% comfortable about suggesting a takeaway otherwise she wouldn't have started the thread. If she decides to prepare food for the guests what's wrong wit suggesting easy alternatives she may not have considered? I get that she knows what a salad or baked potato is..wasn't trying to patronise her.

It's fine if OP wants to shoot other ideas down in flames but just don't get why some Mumsnetters have to be so bitchy. I thought this was a supportive forum. Clearly some people have other ideas.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 13:22

I think the replies here fall in to, broadly, one of two categories: suggestions what the OP could do to feed the masses, and those saying she is under no obligation to feed them all at all.

Both can be supportive, but in rather different ways Grin
All part of the Rich Tapestry of Life IMO.

Hopefully the Op will get something from this thread and will pick and choose as she sees fit as she is the only one here how knows all the nuances of her life.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 13:28

Oh I remember your last thread, they are coming again and bringing extra family members! Why are you allowing this! Yes tell them you are not cooking, and the take aways are across the road. Don't make that mistake again. Your husband should be more proactive, he tends to suck it up from what I remember.

PuppyMonkey · 17/09/2016 13:30

Stand down everyone, all you need to do is this:

Greet visitors

DH makes a cup of tea.

Have nice chats.

If they're still hanging around at 6pm, your DH says: "We're having a takeaway tonight anybody want one?"

Guests say yes or no.

DH gets the takeaways and either you and he eat them while they sit like numpties watching or they all have something too.

7pm - you and the baby go to bed.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 13:30

Is this your fathers partner who gets offended easily op?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2016 13:31

Good for you!
Can't stand it when people think sitting on their arses while you run around after them is somehow them "helping" you - thankfully I don't have family like this, but I always feel horrified when others do!

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 13:33

Ah, interesting, Aeroflotgirl, I did think there must be more to this situation than the OP suggests.

Mavis Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 17/09/2016 13:40

Just say you are not up to cooking so if they will be here at a meal time they will need to get a take away. personally, if you can afford it, I would pay for it as they are family visiting. But I would be much more likely to ask then to come before 6.00 and explain you are having early night and not eating much so won't be laying on dinner. They should understand.

Plus do get a dinning room table, as little one grows they will be so useful for family times, craft activities and ... eating off.. Wink good luck and congratulations on your new bundle of joy! XXXXX

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2016 13:47

If they're his family, they only have themselves to blame for the fact that he can't cook.

So true.

Also, I disagree with the posters who say OP and her DH should pay for their takeaway.

If I descended upon my sister to see my new niece or nephew, I would never expect a couple who are dealing with all the expense of a newborn to also cough up for my takeaway! Shock

VladmirsPoutine · 17/09/2016 13:50

I agree it's really only on MN where guests are seen as parasites whom must be treated with as much contempt as the host can muster.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2016 13:51

They're not guests, they weren't invited, they're family who have decided that they will turn up regardless.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 13:59

Nobody has suggested treating guests with contempt.

treggle · 17/09/2016 14:00

I would have cooked something with dh. What happens when you have other kids? Will they be eating takeaways for a month after you have a baby??

You sound as though you dislike them. That's fine but remember you might need them for babysitting later on in life!

Sara107 · 17/09/2016 14:00

I would think it ok if your dh makes it clear to them in advance that that is what the plan is. Also, I would expect him to go and buy and pay for it. Otherwise he should organise the shopping and cooking.

treggle · 17/09/2016 14:01

i agree it's really only on MN where guests are seen as parasites whom must be treated with as much contempt as the host can muster.

Yes thank God a completely Mums net phenomenon

leaveittothediva · 17/09/2016 14:09

If you are coming to see someone with a new baby, discuss food, and what you are going to bring. Anyone that comes with their arms swinging expecting to be waited on has no manners either. Go get some take away menus and leave them on the coffee table, discuss this straight away as soon as they arrive. I was an idiot for years crossing the ocean for people that wouldn't cross the street for me. Start as you mean to go on. I've made lovely meals for people coming to stay, and when we visit them, she's never even bothered to cook, we've paid for a takeaway every time. So f**k that for a game of soldiers, they got the same treatment from us the last time they came, never been back since. Funny that. Don't be a damn fool, there are no medals at the end of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 14:12

Yes pacific a few days after the baby was born, op FIL and partner invited themselves, arrived at op 9:30am and did not leave until 7pm. They had to feed and entertain them, they did not lift a finger, just sat there. A few days after that they wanted to visit, and everyone in AIBU said to the op, to tell them no, or kick them out after a few hours.

Vladimir these are guests that you would not like to have, ones that just sit around eating and drinking all your food and do nothing to help, and do not lift a finger or contribute anything. Treggle if this is the same op, the guests will not want to do that. They are more like drains, take but do not give.

Op with these guests, steer them in the direction of the take away. Why on earth did you invite them and let them invite other family, considering how they treated you all previously.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 14:14

I agree leaveit treat others how they treat you! Don't be a mug and suck it up, do something about it op! Your dh should grow a pair and tell his dad no, or yes you can come for a few hours but need you gone by 6pm when we have our dinner. Who does that to people anyway.

BlueCorvette · 17/09/2016 14:15

I agree it's really only on MN where guests are seen as parasites whom must be treated with as much contempt as the host can muster.

They even got called 'nasty fuckers' Grin...

I'm assuming they all just want to spend some time with family and see/meet the baby? Op could always have said no sorry, it's not convenient.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 14:19

Op could always have said no sorry, it's not convenient.

That assumes an assertive new mother, in a supportive relationship, which a DP who enjoys a happy, functional relationship with his family.
None of that seems to be a given here.

I love guest - family or otherwise.
I am happy to feed them.
I am also happy to tell them were the kettle and the tea bags are - and that was certainly something I DID do when alone at home with a new baby and people 'dropping in'.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 14:22

If you go to people's houses you cannot dictate the food they give you, unless you have an allergy or genuinly hate it. You eat what you are given, tough for them it would be pizza in the oven or quick oven food whether they like it or not, if they want something else they can eat out.