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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
FoodieToo · 17/09/2016 14:26

If think it would be incredibly rude, especially if they have travelled. They are coming to see their grandchild, will probably bring presents etc.
Surely between the two of you you can order and pay for the take away/ get some food from the supermarket.
Talk about feeling unwelcome!!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 14:30

Foodie these are 'guests' who have a form with just turning up and expecting to be fed and outstaying their welcome. If you have read my posts, this is the same op who FIL turned up with his partner to op a few days after baby was born, and just expected to be waited on, and fed and watered from 9:30am-7pm. they live 45 mins away. You just do not do that, that is rude!

LaurieMarlow · 17/09/2016 14:32

So Foodie, you don't think it's more rude to...

Expect to be waited on by a post partum woman (which is the reality as they brought up DP with no cooking skills)?

Turn your nose up at a simple bought pizza?

I can't believe this site sometimes Confused

foursillybeans · 17/09/2016 14:59

YANBU but you do need to let them know first if they are travelling a distance.

Alternatives would be a load of sandwiches and mini quiches and crisps from M&S. All could be purchased ready made and disposable plates if necessary. To be honest I don't think feeding 5/7 is a really big deal. I know if sounds like but it might be a welcome break for you whilst the baby is cuddled and handed around anyway. I always liked the excuse to go in the kitchen whilst the baby was being cooed over. I didn't enjoy watching others with the baby but obviously you can't stop that if that makes sense.

rookiemere · 17/09/2016 15:25

i have not read any other threads from the OP but i' m assuming there is a huge backstory.

However on the information givn on this thread -yes I do think its a little rude to expect relatives in your home to pay for a takeaway. Surely the DH can go to the supermarket (he would have had to go to the takeaway) and purchase something easy like fresh pasta or a quiche which can be frozen if not eaten by the visitors. if they then turn their noses up at that then by all means direct them to the chippie and tell them to use their own wallets.

MetalMidget · 17/09/2016 15:51

No we didn't invite them. We were issued a date when they'd be arriving. Not a time though, they never give us a time.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! My son is nearly 8 weeks old, and how much I'm able to do is dependent on the tiny tyrant and what sort of night we've had/day we're having (I can barely feed myself if he's on a cluster feeding frenzy!)

Original poster
OohMavis · 17/09/2016 16:12

That's the one, aeroflot.

They arrived at 12. Still here. Lots of fussing about what to do for food, FIL ignored the message (it was marked as read) about the takeaway and acted put out when the suggestion was put to him face to face Confused

I think they're going to leave early. DH asked FIL for a hand in the kitchen making everyone drinks, he did not look pleased.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 16:23

Good, am glad they are leaving early at least, and that your DH is doing his bit so you don't have to antagonise them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2016 16:30

Im confused. I thought "they" came just after the birth and did nothing. Who was that? Is there an mil?

Stand firm. Do not give in. Your FIL has no idea what it is like to give birth or have littlies running round. He sounds entitled and chauvinistic.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 16:32

Good they sound like the guests from hell, mabey they will come less. Start as you mean to go on!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2016 16:33

"They" are apparently FIL and his partner/girlfriend/whatever, who is very easily offended. Well, that was the 4d post-birth visitation. Don't know who the add-ons are for this visitation, but OP I'm so glad your DP has put his foot down and asked for help with drinks, and you've both stood firm about the meal!

Let's hope they bugger off sooner rather than later, instead of making you feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day x

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 16:37

Hope they bugger off soon. STick to the takeaway line.

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/09/2016 16:42

I'd expect them to bring enough food for me if I was going to be bf a 4 wk old baby. No food/cake/offers to wash up, no visit.

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 16:43

"No food/cake/offers to wash up, no visit."

It's this attitude I find rude towards guests. You're not doing them some big favour having them round, are you?

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 16:45

They are not guests. They are pisstaking people who are family who dictate when they are coming and don't give a timescale.

Buttercupsandaisies · 17/09/2016 16:46

I have to admit I don't get this not being able to cook for people after having a baby! Seriously having a baby is hard but it's nowhere near as hard as people make out on mumsnet. I've never met people in real life talk the way people are on here sometimes- it's like - in laws can only visit weeks later, They must cater for themselves and not stay more than an hour!

Really it's not hard to cook a meal or entertain family - I'd never expect family to go out for takeaway unless by choice- you may as well tell them you don't want them to visit. I expect this is more a case of you don't like them. It's no big deal to do a big one pan meal - can muster something easily in less than an hour if you or DH wanted to

RB68 · 17/09/2016 16:54

For me Family are not really guests they are family and as such should muck in. Personally if this were me I would have spoken to family members and said food was required so could they be prepared to bring a pot of something for the main meal. It is not on to invite yourselves and expect to be catered for. Alternatively a visit to M&S for pre cooked food for warming up - or roast chicken and salad, potato salad and a pudding. It s prob a bit ott to expect them to go out and pay for their own takeaway when that is not what they eat but in the same breath I would say they are just as cheeky turning up when they feel like it and giving you no consideration whatsoever.

user1471552005 · 17/09/2016 16:55

buttercup- I do think that women respond very differently to the experience of childbirth and the effects.
Whether you have had a section, maybe forceps, bad tears etc can be quite debilitating and can take weeks if not months to recover from. Some women may find the simplest of tasks to accomplish.

Personally I would have found it easy with a 4 week old breastfed baby to cater for people. I bounced back within a couple of days, breastfeeding was a breeze and I felt pretty much back to normal within a week or two.

But I realise that I had a lucky experience,

maddiemookins16mum · 17/09/2016 16:59

Only on MN do people begrudge feeding guests visiting. I'd never expect GUESTS to get a takeaway. Most couples are perfectly capable of preparing a meal for a few extra people with a 4 week baby present although clearly there are bigger issues at play here.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 16:59

'Really it's not hard to cook a meal or entertain family'

In your opinion. Not hard for mine, either, because they don't sit on their duff and expect to be catered to like they're in a hotel. Some people really struggle with cooking. Some babies are very hard work and don't sleep well and the parents are exhausted. Some people have very limited funds and a meal for 5-7 adults is hard to come by.

hmcAsWas · 17/09/2016 17:02

"have to admit I don't get this not being able to cook for people after having a baby! Seriously having a baby is hard but it's nowhere near as hard as people make out on mumsnet. I've never met people in real life talk the way people are on here sometimes- it's like - in laws can only visit weeks later, They must cater for themselves and not stay more than an hour! "

Yep, totally agree

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2016 17:02

It's also important to remember- this isn't real family, it's a man's family.

NightWanderer · 17/09/2016 17:04

The OP said she didn't have a dinner table. If there isn't space for everyone to sit down and eat, what is she supposed to do?

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 17:07

Mavis, sounds like you are hanging in there and your DP is trying to get them involved - this afternoon too shall end Brew

This is NOT about what we would do/have done with our families/our babies (for the record, DS1 was totally unputdownable for the first year of his life; DS2 practically reared himself) - it's about Mavis and what works for her.

DixieNormas · 17/09/2016 17:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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