to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

[OohMavis]

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

Maybe stick a load of potatoes in the oven to get nice and crispy then prepare some simple salads, mash up some tuna with mayo, pop some coleslaw on a plate and heat up beans for the kids and do help yourself to baked spuds and fillings.

Whoa!

Maybe not. Maybe they aren't even coming at a meal time as they won't even let the OP know what time! Are they supposed to stay in all day just waiting? Surely this is their weekend too, and they may have plans?

OP - just get on with your day and if you happen to be out, tell them they should have said what time. If they demand food say you didn't know which food they would have wanted...breakfast/lunch/tea - who knows as they never tell you what time they are arriving. If they want food, they know where the shops are!

Make a bolgnese for 7 instead of 4 just requires chopping some extra onion, throwing in extra mince and ingredients.

Chopping twice as many oniins takes twice as long.

It also involves having twice as many onions as yiu thought you needed.

And twice as much mince.

So no, it is not at all "the same".

Even if yiu were planning to make a bolognaise, which there is no reason to imagine is the case.

I never make bolognaise because I don't care for it.

My family will be eating fresh bream this evening.

I would not choose to make that for 5 adults due to the amount of fish I have bought and the sizes of my pans.

So having 3 extra adults land on top of me with no notice and no invitation woukd be extremely inconvenient and I would not easily be able to fit them into my cooking plans.

Unless you eat bolognaise for every meal, that is true for most people.

Your DH sounds utterly useless, perhaps this visit could be the time things change and instead of you flapping just say to him, you sort it out. Don't enable him, just say you'll leave all the food to him and let your I laws know too "looking forward to introducing you to junior but I'm still a bit unwell so DH is handling the food so best to let him know whether you'll be here for lunch or tea or you might starve ."

I am genuinely surprised to see the consensus on here that you should bring food if visiting a house with a new baby. I have never heard this before (but I don't know many people with children!). I would never invite myself to anyone's, and I might offer to bring pudding/drink, but not the meal itself. I think I will offer if it comes up in the future, though I still can't help wonder why the dad can't just throw together something quick? Though this is one of the many ways in which my world seems to differ a bit from a lot of mumsnet - in my world men are probably slightly more likely to cook than women.

If they're his family, they only have themselves to blame for the fact that he can't cook.
*
It's certainly not his wife's fault the sent an adult into the world incapable of basic independence.*
This

I would just cal and ask what time they're coming, surely that's the obvious thing to do?

If you don't want to cook and your DH is incapable of cooking then just get a takeaway.

I am genuinely surprised to see the consensus on here that you should bring food if visiting a house with a new baby. I have never heard this before (but I don't know many people with children!). I would never invite myself to anyone's, and I might offer to bring pudding/drink, but not the meal itself. I think I will offer if it comes up in the future, though I still can't help wonder why the dad can't just throw together something quick? Though this is one of the many ways in which my world seems to differ a bit from a lot of mumsnet - in my world men are probably slightly more likely to cook than women.

What Expat said.

DH's family, DH hasn't managed expectations, he deals with feeding them.

I don't understand the posts about the nice salads you can buy in m&s like op and dh are completely unaware of everyday things you can buy in everyday shops. Or telling op how to make a baked potatoes. Do you think they don't know these things?

Some of these posts are quite patronising. The OP didn't post asking for tips and ideas on how to prepare food for her guests - pop something in the oven, rustle up soup and bread etc etc. I'm sure she is more than capable of preparing a selection of meals. The issue is should she has enough on her plate (excuse the pun!) and doesn't want to.

I agree a takeaway is perfectly reasonable. If they're still there at dinner time just say you had planned to have a takeaway and they're very welcome to join you. I wouldn't ask them to pay though, that would absolutely be rude and not likely to be forgotten in a hurry.

Do - yes but do large groups you don't cook things in pans last minute. You do easy things like goulash or baked fish that can look after itself in the oven

They aren't guests turning up unannounced as op already knows they are coming so they could have bought extra food.

I just think it's rude not to warn guests or feed them

They could have said:

1. yes you can come, but warning we will be tired so can we limit visit to just 1-3pm with some tea/ biscuits

2. yes you can come, we can all order takeaway ( in which case host pays)

3. no we aren't up for guests at the moment

To accept guests for a length of time, but not tell them in advance they need to pay for own takeaway and you won't cook is just rude.

I think they need to be fed and watered, there is no harm in ordering a takeaway. Get all delivery and go halves on it. Be more relaxing anyway. Drinks - ideally squash, tea, maybe wine and lager but if all you have is tea and water that's fine. I can't imagine going somewhere and the host not providing food - by which I mean takeaway etc. Then again I can't imagine beeing so ride I tell the hosts what to cook, and shunning pizza. Even as a fussy kid when I didn't like the food when visiting my parents would just feed me before. I wouldn't just leave them to sort themselves out - but a nice sit down takeaway is a different matter. I certainly wouldn't be faffing making a Bolognese. Guests get easy food, unless they're there for days (mutually agreed) in which case you do cook, but they do their fair share too. Only way id do a proper meal on short visit would be if someone popped over at a meal time, in which case I'd take a bit off everyone else's plates to make one up for them. But if that was 2+ people it couldn't be done.

'I think I will offer if it comes up in the future, though I still can't help wonder why the dad can't just throw together something quick? Though this is one of the many ways in which my world seems to differ a bit from a lot of mumsnet - in my world men are probably slightly more likely to cook than women.'

And I can't understand why anyone with a newborn baby, male or female, is expected to 'throw something together' and make a meal for people who show up uninvited. God help them if they are poor/on a budget and don't have the funds to provide a full meal to 3-5 extra adults on the spot.

I wouldn't ask them to pay though - there'll prob be lots of toing and froing and accepting you both pay half Is a last option if they won't give in. If possible, you pay.

Margaret, nobody invited the extended family of 7 adults for a meal ! If you're invited to someone's house for a meal, then it's reasonable to take wine/ pudding and expect a meal.

These people have invited themselves, and not even given a time frame. Should OP have bought in enough breakfast, lunch and dinner food to feed her own family plus multiple extra adults to accommodate all of their whims.

Inviting yourselves and multiple relatives to someone else's house is already rude, much more so if they have a newborn. And expecting to be fed, and then get uppity if it's not what you wanted, would be incredibly rude and selfish.

Bringing a meal for parents of a newborn isn't exactly necessary, but it's a thoughtful thing to do.

And OP, you absolutely should not feel obliged to cover up when breastfeeding anywhere, let alone in your own house.

'I wouldn't ask them to pay though, that would absolutely be rude and not likely to be forgotten in a hurry.'

What if you didn't have the money to buy food for 3-5 extra adults' dinner?

And these people always have the option of saying, 'We'll take our leave then. Have a nice dinner.'

Cannot believe people expect a full meal when they've turned up uninvited.

OP family have form for this behaviour, so give get takeaways and get dh to put the kettle on! That is exactly what I would do, less stress & bother, hell, I would even use paper plates!

I'd cook or ask dh to. I enjoy cooking though and when I had dc I kind of found it a slice of normality to disappear into the kitchen between feeds.
That said if you really don't want to then absolutely dont do it. I think it might be more polite to ask them what they want take away wise and then order for them and eat with them, just a very small amount as a gesture, rather than announcing that if they're hungry they can go get a take away though.
I know loads of posters will say you have a new baby so let them sort themselves out and I can understand that, but for me a day of politeness and niceties is so much easier than falling out with anyone or worrying what people are saying about my lack of hospitality, I get really stressed out if I think people are talking about me.

If they haven't given a time, then completely reasonable for DH to arrange a takeaway when they arrive. Think it would be polite to pay, as others have said.

Don't know if this has been picked up by others, but a bit concerned that you are not eating much, especially if bf!

You need the nutrition - whatever is sorted for your guests, make sure you look after yourself, OP

Tea and biscuits yes.

Dinner/lunch? No way!! Unless you all want a take away and feel happy with that.

Not your job to provide food for visitors. And if you do get a takeaway no way should you or DH pay for all of it!!

Very surprised at so many people telling you to feed them.

I wouldn't worry too much, if in-laws invited themselves (which is understandable with a new baby) but can't tell you when they are arriving, then I would make it clear that DH and I didn't know we were expected to provide dinner. You've got tea and biscuits so not unreasonable. With my/DHs family we would suggest takeaways if couldn't be arsed to cook, and we'd pay unless one of our DMs wanted to pay. (3-4 adults so not break the bank expensive). But we never have 7 adults over unless we do the inviting and agreed times/meal being provided, wouldn't be left to chance. IMO this definitely sounds like a leave the house scenario especially with no dining table and I'm glad your DH doing his best over the phone.

I have to say my DM and MIL would both turn up and want to help cook a meal or being something they've already made.

Even with work colleagues, if I go to visit mum and baby, I'll take lunch for all of us and my friend often takes something the couple could have for dinner as some newborns are easy, some aren't.
Going to visit a newborn isn't the same as being invited to a dinner party

Sounds like a great solution.

totalrecall. Just because you were belly dancing and doing gymnastics two minutes postpartum, doesn't mean everyone else can. Have some compassion fgs. It's got nothing to do with liking dramas. This is ops third baby. Some people don't just pop them out.

I like FruitCider's idea near the top of this thread. Congratulations on new baby

They aren't guests turning up unannounced as op already knows they are coming

She does know when they are coming, because the nasty fuckers won't even tell her at what time they plan to arrive uninvited.

A family with a newborn baby should plan their meals around their convenience.

Not the possible arrival of a whole load of hungry, fussy adults expecting food.

If you won't tell people you are visiting when you are coming, you have a bloody cheek expecting anything in the way of food.

Or evrn for them to be at home.

IF there's no dining table for them all to sit at, why aren't you just making a reservation for them at a local restaurantand leaving them to it??