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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 10:34

Pacific: I've already said she shouldn't be hosting them. They invited themselves! They should either be told it's not convenient or fed by their own relative, the DH in this case, or the person who can physically do the most. But normal guests, you know, the people you ask to your home to meet your baby? It shouldn't be a given that they bring a family meal to your home. Asking them to screams that they are imposing on you, and is very rude imo.

CoolToned · 17/09/2016 10:35

I also think it's rude. If they said they're going to drop in and your husband agrees, well, that sounds like they're your guests to me. Actually they're not just guests - they're family.

Get your husband to figure out how to feed them.

totalrecall1 · 17/09/2016 10:37

They are coming to see the baby. How would OP feel if they didn't bother/show any interest in seeing DC? I had some relatives like that and I was more pissed off by them than the odd one or two that arrived during meal times. If they are coming locally they should come outside of mealtimes, but if they are driving a long way I don't think it's too much to expect to get fed, and if it's pizza in the oven or takeaway, that what they get.

SoftSheen · 17/09/2016 10:38

Get DH to buy some ready-made pizzas and bags of salad. That should be manageable even with a small baby.

Alternatively, get a takeaway but let DH organise and pay for it.

If your ILs have travelled a long way, I think it is reasonable of them to expect some food. However not reasonable of them to expect anything requiring more than minimal preparation.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 17/09/2016 10:44

Who turns up for days at a time when someone has a newborn? I'd never impose like that, they must know they're unwelcome surely.

I wouldn't even mention dinner, let them figure it out themselves with your DH, they're adults. If they are so fussy that pizza isn't an option, it's their problem, not yours.

Artandco · 17/09/2016 10:46

Do - no it's really not that different

Make a bolgnese for 7 instead of 4 just requires chopping some extra onion, throwing in extra mince and ingredients. Then the cooking for 3 hours is the same. It's not exactly hard to add one glass of wine instead of half, or 800g mince instead of 400g. Yes more ingredients, but it's not double the work

Some carrot soup just involves chopping some extra carrot and onions. Warming an extra loaf of bread. Hardly cooking for the thousands

Frankly a family of 5 should be able to cook more than cheese on toast in between them

MooPointCowsOpinion · 17/09/2016 10:47

Oh I don't know where I got the days thing from, it's just one day right? The rest of my post stands though.

In my social circle you turn up with a lasagne, offer to do the dishes, or put a load of washing on. I've cleaned a house from top to bottom for a new mum before, then walked her dogs.

CoolToned · 17/09/2016 10:50

Just increase the amount of whatever you are cooking for your family.

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/09/2016 10:56

I genuinely don't understand why the majority are saying the OP should be cooking/doing shopping, she has a husband why on earth aren't you directing your comments at him?! Is he somehow incapable as he has a wife of catering for his family? By family I mean the OP, his kids and the guests! FFS it's 2016 not the bloody dark ages she's just had a baby he should be looking after her/them.

In any case re the take away not U at all to provide but U to make them pay.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 10:59

'Takeaway was DH's idea. He'll be telling them.'

Then leave him to it! Stuff all this, buy them rolls, put a pizza in the over, get some salads in. Your DH had this idea, leave him to it.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 17/09/2016 11:00

I've told this before. I don't see my mum very regularly. One day she turned up when dd2 was 8 days old. I'd had a terrible birth (she got stuck, I had an episiotomy, 100 plus stitches, then a prolapse...). My mum turns up to "help". When she gets here the house is a shambles, other kids need feeding and washing, dd2 is screaming for food and I was feeling like shitty mum for failing to bf my giant 4 month sized baby and resorted to ff. So there you go. I've set the scene. Oh and I'd been crying out of guilt/ frustration and looked like shit in my ragged Betty Boop nighty and tartan pj bottoms with a hole at the crotch. I'm not gonna lie. I was pleased to see her. Even when she told me while 9 months pg to make more of an effort for Dh and not to let him see me slumming around in trackies and grey vest. So yeah that's how desperate I was for human company. She comes in. Grimaces at last nights dishes in the sink, nearly faints at the sight of feral grandchildren eating and wearing double pots of petit filous in just nappies and vests and almost yelps in terror at eldest daughter bottle feeding baby in near rags. She tenderly removes child from my arms. Picks up bottle and asks for bib. I look at her and think "She has her faults but she loves us. I'm so lucky to have her..." However she stands in front of me holding her giant granddaughter and says "Right. You go make me a coffee and ham sandwich. Let me sit there. I'll feed her... C'mon. I'm here to help." I just looked at her for a moment. Took baby back. Grabbed the bottle and said "We're going for a sleep and a bath. Make your own fucking sandwich." Blush

purpleshortcake · 17/09/2016 11:00

Maybe stick a load of potatoes in the oven to get nice and crispy then prepare some simple salads, mash up some tuna with mayo, pop some coleslaw on a plate and heat up beans for the kids and do help yourself to baked spuds and fillings. Healthy and filling. Your in-laws would be unreasonable to expect a full blown fancy dinner. Maybe DH can prepare the food if you're tired or struggling? If you are really not feeling up to it or anxious about it then get DH to ring them explain in advance. Ask if they could help out by bringing something with them or if not would a takeaway be ok? In my experience people actually like being asked to help. With a young baby no- one should be judging you x

jennyblonde82 · 17/09/2016 11:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's the clean up and stress of cooking as well that's the issue when you just want to be with your baby and you're still recovering. M&S do really lovely sandwich/ snack platters that your DH could order/pick up for you. Add a bag of salad and a couple of bags of kettles chips. Job done. Or fish and chips is a great idea. You could always get your DH to mention it before hand so he can take any grief that anyone gives. My default for when anyone comes around is rotisserie chicken and some fresh baguettes and salad.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 11:01

I'm starting to think it's a British thing to expect food just because you're a guest. Wouldn't dream of visiting anyone with a newborn and expecting a meal and food, hell, you're supposed to bring it to the new family!

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 11:03

And fuck suggesting all this crap to your DH. The man's a fucking adult. He suggested takeaway, leave 'im to it then. Now wonder so many women on here are married to dicks/manchildren if you micromanage every task they do - oh, go to M&S, get him to cook this, tell him to buy this. He tells them takeaway. They moan, he and they can find another solution. They are all adults.

RhodaBorrocks · 17/09/2016 11:04

Congrats OP!

When I was the extended family member visiting, we told the new Mum and Dad not to do a thing, we'd provide the food and between my DM and I we had sandwiches, salad, nibbles, sausage rolls, chicken drumsticks and lots of cake. And we travelled 100 miles with all that in tupperware in Ikea bags!

New Dad made the tea, but apart from that we just enjoyed the new baby. We even brought paper plates so no washing up for anyone!

It's not difficult to be considerate, so no, YANBU to suggest takeaway. I hope it's lovely!

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 11:06

expat, you go, girl! Grin

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 11:06

BRAVO, Sharon!

MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2016 11:07

your DH could order/pick up for you

How would it be 'for' her?! It's his family!

seven201 · 17/09/2016 11:13

I was on the fence until I read that they invited themselves and never give a time. I think you've done the right thing letting them know food won't be provided.

I too have never experienced one of these helpful post new baby guests who bring food and clean I don't think they really exist.

midsomermurderess · 17/09/2016 11:18

Good gruef Mistylake, a whole shed-load of assumptions and accusations there.

Becky546 · 17/09/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina · 17/09/2016 11:18

I don't see why this is Mavis's problem .

Her DH and invited HIS family to HIS house to see HIS baby. She is the baby's mother , has presumably just given birth and and will be BF and caring for the baby . She is not an unpaid housemaid.

His family have form for being rude and selfish . It's his job to provide the hospitality .

If I were the OP I would lose the " cape " and be going upstairs frequently to feed and settle the baby .

MaudGonneMad · 17/09/2016 11:21

Your DH should be sorting all this out. He sounds pretty useless though.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 11:24

I think it's so hella rude to turn up en masse to the home of someone with a newborn baby and expect fed and watered. WTAF? No one ever asks to come over and when told yes, say something like, 'What kind of casserole/dish shall I bring? Was thinking maybe a lasagne?' 'Oh, no, don't!' 'Don't be silly, you just had a baby. Of course we're bringing food and supplies.'

All these threads go the same way, with how these pests need to be catered to and accommodated by the woman.