to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

[OohMavis]

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

There used to be a thing called 'Churching' (in Ireland at least) whereby a new mum did nothing for 4 weeks. Family and neighbours rallied round with food and chores and the mum lay in bed and fed the baby during that period. At the end of that time she was deemed well enough to get up and go to Mass. The baby would be christened then and after that it would be business as usual.

I am obviously far too young to recall such times but my dear FIL was horrified when he visited our home when DD2 was a few days old and I came downstairs. He sent me straight back upstairs and put the kettle on himself - this from an Irishman who was normally incapable of finding the kitchen.

I'm not sure I have read anyone suggesting OP do nothing but feed the baby. OP certainly didn't suggest that was her intention.

She just didn't want to cook for a large group of people who are picky about their food. I'm sure she would have been happy to make a few sarnies but apparently, that wouldn't have been good enough.

Honestly, I'm sure there are people on MN who would like boast how they were arranging a banquet for their visitors the moment the placenta was delivered but it's not obligatory.

Personally, I find it much worse manners to be a picky guest. If someone with a newborn offers you frozen pizza or suggests a takeaway you bloody well smile and say thank you.

"When my youngest was 2 weeks old I hosted Xmas and cooked for 9 extra people.. It was fine, the baby was very much passed around but he didn't care and my only stipulation was they had to wash up. its not like you can't throw a few bits together"

Oh Lordy, there is always one..

Oh, there's always several, two. 'When I had a baby I got on a horse and lead an army into battle. Then when we set up camp, I cooked for the entire army, using fires, and I was already pregnant again! I did it in between nursing the baby and trying not to spew vomit chunks into the stew. People who don't do like me are wimps.'

When I had DS2 I was great for days after he was born. By the time he was 4 weeks old I was a complete mess.

It's such a stupid thing to boast about because everyone has different experiences.

Personally, I find it much worse manners to be a picky guest. If someone with a newborn offers you frozen pizza or suggests a takeaway you bloody well smile and say thank you.

This. With bells

With a 4 week old, I shoved some pizzas in the oven and opened a bag of salad!

Definitely a KISS time!

They're family not guests. I think they should have brought you round a nice big casserole to eat together. You're not running a restaurant fgs!

And, as the OP pointed out, they're not happy with a pizza shoved in the oven.

And, before I even had a vagely maternal bone in my body, a friend had a baby. When I visited her, I stopped by M&S, then cleaned her kitchen, fixed her never quite worked properly oven (gleaned from a previous quite long distance visit, when she'd announced her pregnancy, but then been too wiped out to cater for friends she'd invited over) and heated through a lovely lunch for us both.

You don't have to be anywhere near as overwhelmed by everyay lif as this friend to find new motherhood too much when it comes to a mass of visitors. My estimate is 3 months for anything like vaguely normal service!

Well, if they're not happy with pizza shoved in the oven, they provide lovely food, themselves! Simples!

In fact, OP, your DH's response to them should be to bring a picnic because cooking is not happening. Be sure to have instant food in the fridge for you to take somewhere quiet and feast on if they ignore the strong message.

Sounds entirely reasonable to me. Send them to the take-away. And make sure they bring some for you :-)

This is what M&S and Waitrose were made for. Posh ready meals that require no prep just put in the oven. Husband can do that surely?

DH has decided how to feed his family when they come to visit his 4 week old baby. He has handled all communication with them about it all.

Leave him to it.

I think I like your DH. You do not have a DH problem.

I read these threads and wonder why its never considered that these are baby's relatives too - most of the time it just sounds like a standoff "right I don't really like you, so now I've got a baby Im going to get at you that way"

Whats the point of it all? If you don't like these people then avoid the visit - because nothing screams "I don't like you lot" louder than "yeah you can come, but bring and buy your own food or to takeaway across the road because we're not bothering with you"

Your baby is 4 weeks old not 4 days Im not sure if you are unwell or otherwise unable to move around but if thats not the case then sorry, its not beyond you to make a pasta bake and vegetables. & actually you are a 2 parent family so why can't your DH do it

Still, you can do what you want. The answer to your question is yes, YABU

Also guests coming around and helping out is fine but not as an expectation - cook clean wash etc. Whats your DH doing?! Way back when I was glad when mates popped round and did washing up and wiped cupboards I didnt have an expectation of more. I was happy for adult conversation after days of baby talk that was the nicest thing not them running around doing loads of housework, as opposed to a little

DeeCee, If sticking a couple of pizzas in the oven wouldn't be good enough then why would a pasta bake?

Reading what OP has written I think it's clear that these people have not been the kindest when it comes to her hospitality.

These people were hardly neglected guests. Personally, receiving cups of tea and some lovely biscuits would be more than enough for me whilst visiting family members with a newborn.

I'm there for a squish of the baby and a happy chat with the parents, no to be catered too.

What I have found fascinating about this thread, maybe even more than others in the same vein, is just how many women are conditioned to believe that it is somehow their duty to provide food, drinks, entertainment and general hostess duties to anyone who rocks up to the house at any time of night or day.

It's conditioning! And it's unnecessary! Manners cut BOTH ways. Invited guests should be looked after, this I totally agree with - if you don't want to look after them, don't invite them in the first place. But UNinvited visitors - no. They take their chances and I would NOT be falling over myself to act as though I actually invited them in the first place, no fucking way!

Apart from anything else, if you continue to fall over yourselves to be such grand hostesses to uninvited and/or unwelcome visitors, then you'll be expected to do it every time - and then you'll teach your daughters (never your sons, oh no, it's wifework indeed!) to do exactly the same. And so it goes on. No manners or consideration required from the uninvited ones - but ohsomuch needed from the imposed-upon hostess. How is that fair?

In op case she was well justified, these 'guests' were treating her and her house like a blooming hotel. Can't people read the op posts. They are rude and bad mannered, they are family so should be helping, even a little, they come without asking, in their time frame, and expect to be waited on by somebody who baby is a few days old. That is rude rude rude.

Thus thread is hilarious! If I hadn't seen it I would never have believed so many women were stuck back in the 50s. What a load of crap.
Cook for whom you choose and when it suits. Anyone else can fuck right off.

I think it's pretty sad how small people's expectations are from their family and friends.

Maybe it's a reflection of what they are prepared to give?

All I know is that whenever I have visited a family with a new baby I come with a gift, food and an offer to help out.

I'm sorry but any able adult who would sit back and expect to be catered to by a couple with a newborn is a useless wanker.

Get off your arse and help out.

Ok can I just say, for what probably is the third time, that I don't just sit on my bum all day and feed the baby?! I have two other children who'd waste away if I were incapable of movement!

Obviously I didn't know the back story before my posts. Totally see why you didn't want to feed them now and glad it all worked out ok.

Good for you OP.

They were being indescribably rude not deigning to give even an approximate time of arrival, and frankly I can't get my head around visiting a relative with a new baby over a mealtime and not offering to at least part cater. My family are very much of the 'bring a casserole' variety anyway. The only time I might turn up to the home of a close relative with a newborn and not bring even biscuits would be if I were going to look after said baby and do housework while they slept. But even if they aren't bring a casserole people, they should've at least have said we'll be here over lunchtime, shall we pick up some bits.

These people who can't do anything round the clock except nurse the baby 4 weeks post birth are on another planet.

When my premature baby was 2 weeks old I was looking after my toddler, & my mother who had suffered a heart block. I was 2 weeks post section. I had friends over to see us & I cooked for us all.

Seriously women just did not do this in decades gone by - where women sit & do nothing apart from feed baby, it really does not surprise me that there are so many entitled children around given that everything stops & revolves around them.

Not that I particularly want to dignify anyone's anecdote with attention, since if you've not grasped already that one woman's state of health and recovery after birth has no bearing on another's you probably aren't going to (although I will say the friends you cooked for should be damn well ashamed of themselves). But I think the other things you've written merit some unpicking.

You make vast generalisations about what women did and didn't do in the newborn period. Which women, and when? Are you aware that there are a number of cultures both past and present where sitting and doing nothing but feed the baby is the exact thing a four week postpartum woman does? Are you suggesting the babies from all these cultures are entitled, or is it just ours now? Also, can you posit a causative mechanism for how being cared for by a mother who doesn't deign to cook lavish meals for visitors could lead to a child becoming entitled? From a child development perspective, it would be fascinating.