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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/09/2016 18:03

"Skivvying" Blimey!

And "unwelcome guests"?

They are the baby's grandparents!!

GahBuggerit · 17/09/2016 18:07

is this a class or regional thing i wonder? im common as muck but would never be so rude as to assume id be waited on if i went to visit anyone let alone a mother whos still probably bleeding like a bastard and a new father. drinks/snacks obvs but slow cooked pulled tasty anythings would not be on the menu at 4 weeks post birth.

so glad i dont mix with rude people who would expect this. as if they are doing you a favour by visiting so you need to be hospitable? its a couple of hours sniffing babys head not the bloody Hilton!

Mrsmummyof1 · 17/09/2016 18:09

Four weeks is quite a long time post birth

It's not a long time at all! My big, healthy baby boy was breast feeding constantly at this time so I had very few visitors, and certainly couldn't have catered to them / waited on them even if I had wanted to!

neveradullmoment99 · 17/09/2016 18:14

Why dont you all just have a take away, everyone sharing the costs. My MIL often stays for dinner and i look forward to it cause we get a take away. Sometimes she treats us, or we treat her or it is shared. It shouldn't be a big deal. Failing that, just heat up some pizzas and put out some dips and crisps and a few sandwiches and thats it. Certainly dont have them for lunch and dinner. That is their lot!

BizzyFizzy · 17/09/2016 18:19

My children's grandparents have all visited with the expectation of rolling their sleeves up and helping out.

As it turned out, I never needed their help!

With my first, their major contribution was for us all to go to John Lewis and for them to open their wallets.

For subsequent children, they played with the elders ones.

They were pretty good at loading the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen.

They could set the table and toss a salad.

I think I have a badge for breastfeeding round the clock and even tandem feeding. I still managed to shop and cook and not rely on takeaways for special guests.

The thing is, you know they are coming. You can psyche yourself up for it and do bits and pieces in advance.

It is not rocket science.

Original poster
OohMavis · 17/09/2016 18:20

Nope, wasn't traumatic. Very quick labour at home. All I have to show for it are some sore hips and impressive eyebags four weeks on.

Like I said, I'm not refusing to cook because I'm a delicate flower petal who can't move arse from sofa nearly four weeks on, I've been up doing housework, cooking and school runs from the get-go. It's because it's a massive hassle. The baby was going to be passed around, crying probably, in between feeds as I cooked for five extra adults who would have arrived at some point between breakfast and supper (who knows when?). Not my idea of a pleasant afternoon... so the suggestion of of a takeaway was made.

And it seems roundly turned down, cos they just left without eating dinner. My biscuits and viennese whirls were good enough though Grin

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 18:22

Good on you, these are people you have to be assertive with or they will take the piss. That is exactly what they were doing.

Sleepandchocolate · 17/09/2016 18:24

Maybe you could ask them to bring a big casserole?

Bumpasaurusmumma · 17/09/2016 18:24

They should be asking if you need anything/bringing you food with a 4 week old. You are not being unreasonable.

My inlaws descended the day after I got home with my one day old, from 250 miles away (4 of them) and I didn't make them food or have any of them staying.

Toyslayer · 17/09/2016 18:26

His family. His problem.

user1471494124 · 17/09/2016 18:27

When DH 's family came to meet our two -week -old daughter they brought lunch for all of us with them.

honeysucklejasmine · 17/09/2016 18:31

Good for you, OP

nicp123 · 17/09/2016 18:32

Why don't your DH inform them of your exhaustion and let them know what eating options/arrangements you propose? Don't wait for them to arrive and then feel bad and cook 3 course meal for them.

Jojofjo44 · 17/09/2016 18:49

Order in from Just Eat. Send them all a text telling them which one you want to order from explaining that it's too much for you to cook right now

Amummyatlast · 17/09/2016 18:53

At 4 weeks I had an infection, DD was pooing all the time because of the antibiotics going through my breastmilk, she was feeding constantly, would not sleep any place other than on me or DH, and I was almost hallucinating from lack of sleep. So yeah, feeding family members who turned up at random times would have been so pleasant Hmm.

In my world family help each other. MIL brought we some lovely meals round when we had DD and my parents, who had to travel, brought their own food.

I think you did the right thing OP.

MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2016 18:56

And it seems roundly turned down, cos they just left without eating dinner. My biscuits and viennese whirls were good enough though grin

Isn't that exactly what you wanted? This makes it seem a bit like they can't win!

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/09/2016 19:13

No food/cake/offers to wash up, no visit."

It's this attitude I find rude towards guests. You're not doing them some big favour having them round, are you?

Well yes, they aren't guests, they weren't invited. I wouldn't turn up at a friend or family members house without taking lunch or offering a hand, if they had a new baby. I wouldn't turn up at all if I wasn't invited/arranged.

Serenitymummy · 17/09/2016 19:14

If they weren't invited for a meal there's no way in hell you should be worrying about providing one!! If they're still hanging around come mealtime its DH's job to say that you're having a takeaway and they're welcome to join. Then suggest dad/other relative come across the road with him to sort and pay for their own. Screw anyone that says you're rude for not catering, they weren't bloody invited!!!!

Serenitymummy · 17/09/2016 19:17

And also if I was descending on anyone to meet their 4 week old and thinking it would be at a mealtime, I'd rock up with a lasagne in one hand and a bag of garlic bread and salad (and a massive cake!) in the other!

Memoires · 17/09/2016 19:17

They're family! You can be informal with family, and yes of course you can ask/expect family to pay for takeaway. If they were distant relatives whomyou hardly ever see, and stiff and forma type people, then it'd be different.

In fact, when friends stay, I'd expect them to chip in for takeaways. I'd certainly do it myself.

Luluandizzy · 17/09/2016 19:20

I would either suggest you all have a take away together or DH prepares a quick and easy meal. If it's not healthy enough for them then that's there issue. You've just had a new baby. You haven't got time or energy to prepare a gormet meal. A quick and easy meal will do. I think it would be rude to send them off out the house to get food though x

expatinscotland · 17/09/2016 19:26

'"Skivvying" Blimey!

And "unwelcome guests"?

They are the baby's grandparents!!'

Who invite themselves over, dictating the day, not giving a time and then park themselves on their backsides and expect to be waited on like they're in a hotel. Fucking rude.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 19:27

Margarate op sounded pleased with the outcome actually, she seemed quite happy that they left within a reasonable time frame.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 17/09/2016 19:32

Not saying they should expect fed bt personally no matter what id be bloody mortified not to have food in and provide it if it was a takeaway id deffo pay and if cooking id never dream of leaving my husbands family out i was just raised this way and love fussing over people though each to there own

Buttercupsandaisies · 17/09/2016 19:34

I don't get this need for grandparents to be invited actually? If my inlaws or parents want to visit they don't wait to be invited - how sad

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