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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
crazywriter · 17/09/2016 17:08

YANBU when my in laws visited to drop DD1 back home after having DD2 they brought all the food with them. They do it whenever they visit except salad because they know well have that in anyway. When they called in unexpectedly it was always with some sort of food in hand so all I had to do was put the kettle on.

MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2016 17:08

It's this attitude I find rude towards guests. You're not doing them some big favour having them round, are you?

Oh, so someone else in the world does think this! When my friend and I went to see our friend with a three month old she tried to buy our pub lunches because we'd travelled so she didn't have to. We didn't let her, but to be honest I did think that going to her was the kind thing to do - this thread was making me think she must hate me for not bringing a meal and for not cleaning her loo! I believe her partner also made me a cup of tea...

hollyisalovelyname · 17/09/2016 17:13

Yes yabu.
Cake perhaps?
Have they come a long distance ?
If so, you buy the take away and explain how you couldn't cook as you are busy with the new baby.
Congratulations

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 17:14

But they are not 'having them round', they invited themselves.

Not every guest is a welcome guest.

As an aside, some of the best nights in we had with friends when everybody had new babies/young children, were catered by the local Chinese or Indian takeaway place. Nothing wrong with that IMO.

DixieNormas · 17/09/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GahBuggerit · 17/09/2016 17:22

what the shit am i reading?

i didnt get off my arse once when family came to see our babies. i said they knew where the teabags were, mines milk and sugar thanks. Id have burst my stitches laughing if they wanted feeding aswell but there was no question of that, because they arent dicks, in fact they were the ones who brought me and dp some cakes and nibbly things.

cold meats? terribly rude to not feed them? just whip up a fucking shepherds pie ffs? piss off Angry

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 17:23

Well guests should be polite and courteous, they should:

  1. Not invite themselves round without checking if its ok with the hosts
  2. Give a time that they will be round
  3. Lend a hand and try to be helpful, especially when their hosts have just had a baby and may be getting to grips with things.
  4. Be mindful of length of stay, and keep it within a reasonable time
  5. Be happy that someone has taken the trouble to cook, even if it is quick oven food, and not turn your nose up at food provided.
  6. Check with op or dh if its ok to invite extra people

Op visitors are none of these!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2016 17:25

Gahbuggerit - I like your style! Grin

charliethebear · 17/09/2016 17:29

There are definitely people on MN who live on a different planet to me.
If I'm having a guest, they are normally close friends or family, I would have no problem suggesting a takeaway and would always split it. I dont think anyone has ever paid for my takeaway! Although I probably wouldn't ask to split as the guest would normally offer. I always wonder who everyone on MN is having as guests, as theres so much etiquette which yes would apply to a colleague or acquaintance but not a friend/family member? I'm looking forward to all the free takeaways I can now get Grin who knew I could invite myself to someone's house and they have to feed me?
Its not rude to suggest a takeaway, it is rude to invite yourself to someone's house and not give a time!
I would always offer if going to a friend with a young babies house to either bring the food or pick up a takeaway, surely thats normal? Like bringing a bottle of wine when going for dinner? You either bring a pasta bake style dish or suggest a takeaway /meal out if the parents would enjoy that.
Ihope they go before dinner anyway OP Smile

MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2016 17:34

Charlie I guess the takeaway payment thing depends on what happens 'normally' in your group. I have friends round for meals quite often (probably at least once/twice a month) and always make something a bit special, and at least two courses. I would therefore be a bit pissed off if they expected me to pay for my own meal at their house.

Mrsmummyof1 · 17/09/2016 17:34

No no no they can't expect feeding or waiting on. YANBU. Couldn't you ask people to bring picky bits for you all to share, a big salad, quiche etc. If not, you're well within your right to insist everyone chips in for a takeaway.

Inertia · 17/09/2016 17:35

Guests are people you invite round at a mutually convenient time. These people invited themselves, dictated a day, invited a load of extra relatives, and refused to give any kind of schedule which might have helped the OP. OP and/or DH might have been able to put together a meal if they'd been given any kind of clue which meal to expect them for.

Mrsmummyof1 · 17/09/2016 17:37

Oh my god some of the posts on here are unbelievable! You're family are coming to see yout little one and you've just had a baby! You need a break, not more to do! Jeeeez!

BizzyFizzy · 17/09/2016 17:37

Four weeks is quite a long time post birth. Did you have a particularly traumatic time, OP?

I would say that if you are having guests, you provide hospitality. If you can't do that, then don't invite them. Or make it straight with the invitation what you expect them to do.

We have children and had P/PIL visits with 1, 2 and 4. It was pretty clear that they were expected to help if required. As it turned out, I was perfectly fit and could do the shopping and cooking. They did playing with older children, and tiny bits of housework.

I have the mentality of a country Irish woman giving birth to her ninth child and then straight back out to the fields, lol. Forza!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2016 17:40

Though I would be happy to provide food, I normally do, I would expect guests to be appreciative of what I cook, and state a time that they will be here, ask whether its ok to come, not just impose themselves on op and her new family, that is rude.

passmethewineplease · 17/09/2016 17:49

I don't see a problem with it.

I actually think it's pretty rude of guests to show up and expect to be waited on when you haven't long had a baby.

I wouldn't dream of doing it.

Infact in our family we'd probably get a takeaway anyway saves someone in the kitchen why everyone else is talking/catching up.

Congratulations anyway OP! Grin

hmcAsWas · 17/09/2016 17:51

Four weeks post partum, I would have made a meal in advance (when dh was around to be hands on with the baby) and defrosted it and warmed it up on the day. Or alternatively, got dh to do this. Never previously considered myself superwoman, but now reappraising this since it clearly shouldn't have been possible for me to undertake such a herculean feat ....Confused

I do think the PILS in this scenario should have been clearer about arrival time and not have been snippy about helping dh make a cup of tea however...but meh - family!

hmcAsWas · 17/09/2016 17:52

That said, I don't think there is anything wrong with suggesting a takeaway

FireCrotch · 17/09/2016 17:53

Diverting from topic ever so slightly I'd read on here about family members hiding away and scheduling appointments to visit. I thought it was something that happened in other families. But then sil gave birth. We were given 20 minutes exactly 14 days after her birth. Dh was allowed to hold his niece but he had to ask first and then be told about sitting position and head support. He had to remind his sister that he had 2 kids already. I wasn't allowed a hold. I took food and treats (mn says so so that's what I did). I found out accidentally that my lasagne was left to go off and then binned. The nice biscuits and wine were ok though. Hmm
When I had dd2 they didn't come around until prompted by pils. It was when dd was 3 weeks old. Sil sat there gingerly. Bil loitered in doorway jangling his car keys every five minutes and sighing. Dh took great pleasure in shouting out baby holding "advice". :o They didn't bring anything. Sil said that I looked very rested. Then she said to her brother " I see you've been running around doing a lot. You must be tired." Cheeky bitch. Dh put her straight. He was back in work 4 days after dd arrived because he'd had a week off before she was born. I was doing the school run on the Wednesday after giving birth on the Saturday. Plus I'd had stitches etc. When she gave birth both sets of parents delivered an evening meal to them for a month. They alternated days to go and do her housework. She's the one that complained to her dad about our first wedding anniversary gift to her and her Dh. Her dad rings Dh and tells him off. Dh asks if he knew what she gave us on our first anniversary? He says no. Dh tells him it was the exact same thing she gave us. A cheque. Plus we gave more than £20. :o

rainbowstardrops · 17/09/2016 17:53

Having a right old chuckle at some of the posts on here! Nothing as queer as folk!

Just out of interest OP, how far have your uninvited guests had to travel?

My DD was let home from hospital the afternoon before we laid on a family party for DS's birthday the next day but that was my choice!

If I had family telling me they'd be round when it suited them, with extra guests and no indication of timescale then there's no bloody way I'd be cooking a sodding meal for them!

They can have tea and biscuits/cake and if they're still hanging on, I'd suggest a takeaway.

I honestly can't imagine going to see someone's newborn and expecting to be fed. Bizarre

Blueskyrain · 17/09/2016 17:53

Baby is 4 weeks old, not 4 days, so personally, if they really there for a mealtime then yes I think you (ie you and husband) should provide a meal.

It doesn't have to be elaborate, even if you grab a hot chicken and some bread, or some soup, but something. I would personally bung some pork in a slow cooker, for bbq pulled pork with rolls. Hot,tasty and about 5 mind effort.

You do need to eat yourselves, and an option like that will take you about the same time to cook as writing your post on here I expect.

Though I expect my hubby would be doing it not me...

Ontopofthesunset · 17/09/2016 17:54

I agree with everyone who's suggested that you and your husband say that you're having fish and chips tonight if they want to stay for dinner. Then he and FIL/MIL go across the road to order, choose and pay. We would offer to pay in this situation but appreciate not everyone would.

We would probably actually have changed our shopping day (online and delivery is very easy) and ordered some quiches and ready made salads that would have been quick and easy to dish up.

We often have takeaways at family members' houses and wouldn't be at all embarrassed suggesting it to any visitors - unless we had specifically invited them over for dinner.

BizzyFizzy · 17/09/2016 17:57

If you are not sure about an arrival time, make a large pot of lentil soup (easy peasy - leeks, carrots, potatoes, lentils, chicken stock - 20 minutes) and have some crusty bread on hand.

Have ingredients in for a simple meal - bolognese, chilli, chicken curry, bagged salad - and ask them to make it, or ask them to help out and make it together.

Think about the inheritance :)

Dozer · 17/09/2016 18:00

Shock at posters saying OP should be skivvying after unwelcome guests 4 weeks post birth (because "it's 4 weeks not 4 days"; "did you have a traumatic birth?") - FFS!

As for "having the mentality" of a field worker and applying this to wifework: things have moved on thank christ.

Dozer · 17/09/2016 18:01

Ah yes, the answer for OP is clearly recipes for "easy" chilli and lentil soup ShockGrin