Child maintaince with a greedy ex

[EveOnline2016]

My brother has his daughter a lot.

This is how it breaks down. 1/2 the school holidays. EOW plus every Monday Tuesday and Thursday after school. Also 1/2 the cost of school uniform.

EOW is Friday after school till bedtime Sunday.

Still ex wants CMO payments.

While he has his daughter he feeds and clothes her and washes and irons the school uniform to send back.

My brother has now stopped the £100 per week maintence or he can't afford to have his dd.

Is this fair.

Poppy what a lovely image you have of RP's
prevents the children seeing the NRP for weeks (Farming them out here there and everywhere)

Do some posters think it would be better for NRPs to live in bedsits / one beds and their children not have a room at their place and probably visit less in order to save money on their housing and pay more maintenance to RP?

I think some posters just want it both ways all the time (that is, more in maintenance AND they want their child to stay at a decent place when with the NRP with their own bed/ own space etc..) Sometimes "both ways" can't happen though if the NRP doesn't have much money left.

I'm not saying he should downsize, in fact I'm not making any value judgement about your brother's financial situation. What I am saying is consider this from your niece's perspective. Dealing with this through mediation offers the best chance to navigate the situation with the best outcome for the child.

I get that he's your brother and I am sure you want to fight his corner. I'm just pointing out there are wiser ways to do this. Also try to fight your neice's corner too. Just the title of this thread referring to his ex as greedy is poisoning the well.

I'm not saying you have to like her, or condone her cheating but whatever else she is she is your niece's mother. As such it's crucial she grows up in an environment where there is no toxicity directed at either parent. She will build her initial identity based on both her parents. Seeing them in constant conflict will create a schism in her own psyche.

Like I said I'm in a similar position, my ex will let me have my child all day during the week frequently, but is extremely reluctant to surrender many nights, because she needs the money, and although we are neither one's favourite person I wouldn't characterise it as greedy. It is if anything a survival thing.

I recognise it's not fair that the situation defaults to your brother's ex's choice how many nights he gets which in turn affects the finances, but I would counsel against court and work within the confines of the status quo. I would put a pin in what is or isn't fair to the parents and put the daughter front and centre.

That may mean a reduction in payments to the ex so your brother can fund a place big enough, but when you frame the central premise of your thread "greedy ex" it betrays a non-child centric motivation imho.

I'm just advocating going back to the drawing board and having a look at everyone's motivation. Including yours. By all means listen to your brother's frustrations and sympathise, but try and steer your advise and questions to what is best for his daughter. They will all thank you for it in the end!

The OP hasn't answered why her niece goes back to the mums for overnights after dad has picked up. People are guessing it's because of the mum.

OP also hasn't answered where the £100 figure originally came from (her brother or mum asked for that amount)he could have joint liabilities / debts and that could be in the figure.

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The farming out was true, being left out in blazing sun all day not drinks, arriving back with heat stroke and sometimes sun burn too, being "left" but not supervised at relatives.

Somerville
You are correct that some NRPs do mess with agreed arrangements and some who really do not want to be involved at all.
But I have also seen NRPs have arrangements and plans with their child/children (even an all parties agreed holiday booked) only to find the RP has decided at the last minute to go away for a "few days", no call or anything, just gone.
Also lived in a flat share into which a NRP(female) moved, who thought at 40 she was entitled to "Live life" walking out on 3 girls youngest 3years old, so she could spend time with her Toyboy. Many times she was not fit (drunk/hungover) to have the kids on visits, so the RP would have to stay or bring them back at another time.

So many people on here are set in the frame of mine
poor deserted RP (female)
scumbag NRP (male)
Life is far far more complicated than that as deep down we all really know, just our own life prejudices come to the fore.
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As many have said having two homes is so much more expensive.

I have even know a couple of "NRP" still live in the "marital home" (say in a converted dinning room or spare bedroom) so as to be able to spend quality time with their kids and to be involved in their lives as the only affordable alternative would have been a bedsit with no quality space for the kids to visit (so they would have lost touch) but still pay the mortgage on the "marital home" until the youngest was out of school.
In both cases the "NRPs" were the aggrieved parties.
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In an ideal world:-
the parents stay together and work it out.

In an unreal world:-
all the selfish NRPs who do not want to see their children are magically partners of the selfish RPs who do not want the NRPs in their child's/children's lives, sorted.

Real world:-
Sadly too often you have:-
a wonderful RPs chasing selfish NRPs for support or
a selfish RPs trying every which way to stop the caring NRP from having a good relationship with the child/children.

I really don't know why the mother want her home on school nights, my brother is more than capable of doing the school run.

poppy you wasn't talking about one particular RP when you said that many RP farm their kids out , you was implying most RP farm their kids out.

Where is your evidence that many RP are very clever in avoiding the number of over nights? Implying once again you think most RP are money orientated and would stop an overnight just for more money.

Have you seen the statistics of actually how little most RP actually get?

I don't think there's any evidence to suggest that most RPs farm out their children, any more than there's any evidence to suggest that most NRPs don't want to pay - there are good and bad parents in both groups.

Here here Petal,

and ----Lover as I said.

Real world:-
Sadly too often you have:-
a wonderful RPs chasing selfish NRPs for support or
a selfish RPs trying every which way to stop the caring NRP from having a good relationship with the child/children.
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You do not appear to want to consider how financially cripplingly it can all be for the NRP too, you just seem to be looking at the well paid end of the scale.
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I have seen many RP do anything they can to break the bond with the NRP, it makes their life easier especially when they move on to a new partner.

I have seen more manipulative RPs than NRPs
BUT that does not cloud my judgement to think all RPs are bad and all NRPs are good,
as mentioned above their are wonderful RPs and Caring NRPs and some awful RPs & NRPs too.

You seem to judge all NRPs as bad and all RPs struggling to survive £s wise, you do not see the financial struggle of the otherside.

Telling kids their NRP did not turn up, telling the NRP the kids are not in, throwing away presents and keepsakes from the NRP, so the kids do not know the NRP still cares, sharing their hatred of the NRP with the kids to tarnish their view.

These things I have seen many times over.

Thankfully some kids as they get older are lucky enough to "wake up" and question the story they are being "sold" by the RP.

To find out that their NRP came regularly as arranged a number of times every week to see them but was turned away, or the RP kept moving to break the contact.

The RP sees nothing wrong with what they are doing because it makes their life easier and they can move on and build a new with out having links to the old, except the £s coming in of course.
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