Child maintaince with a greedy ex

[EveOnline2016]

My brother has his daughter a lot.

This is how it breaks down. 1/2 the school holidays. EOW plus every Monday Tuesday and Thursday after school. Also 1/2 the cost of school uniform.

EOW is Friday after school till bedtime Sunday.

Still ex wants CMO payments.

While he has his daughter he feeds and clothes her and washes and irons the school uniform to send back.

My brother has now stopped the £100 per week maintence or he can't afford to have his dd.

Is this fair.

and given that £34 a week is pathetic.

He obviously isn't on a huge wage. Hardly his fault is it.

He was paying way more but couldn't sustain it.

What exactly do you want him to do?

Ego147
I wonder how many people don't want increased contact because it could mean they get less money as the other parent has more contact?

I'd love my ex to have more contact with our children, he has them EOW Friday to Sunday, and one day on the weekends in between. He also thinks 3 weeks holiday throughout the year is plenty.

He gives me £400 a month and never lets me forget that this is more than the CSA minimum.

But I don't want to hijack the thread.

*It's not calculated into tax credits as it not reliable that it will be paid

A fact that your brother has just proven.*

This

The new Child Maintenance Service (CMS) is much more efficient than the CSA.
I have custody of a grandson and have never in 10 years got anything through the CSA. Nothing but excuses. Basically they were totally inefficient.
Yes CMS take a small percentage of what I receive but I am happy to pay this if it means I get maintenance.
I also had the problem that the parent was denying paternity and CSA couldn't get a DNA test done. CMS told parent that if it wasn't done within a short timescale then they would assume paternity and proceed anyway.
They assessed the amount I receive which is obviously based on parent's income.
The parent pays into my bank account monthly but if they miss one payment I can contact CMS ; the money will then be deducted from their wages at source and they will have to pay 20% extra to cover the costs.
I can't believe how quickly they managed to find the parent (CSA never could and kept asking me to drop the case as they couldn't find the parent) and set this up.
The CMS is gradually taking over CSA cases and will eventually replace them completely but have no idea of the timescale.
I would urge anyone having problems with maintenance to sign up with the CSA.
When they contacted me and asked me if I wanted to drop the CSA case or pay £20 to transfer it to CMS I almost told them I would drop it as I expected them to be no better than CSA.
So glad I didn't.

It's not calculated into tax credits as it not reliable that it will be paid

A fact that your brother has just proven.

How about the fact he has way 'overpaid' .

He shouldn't have just stopped paying altogether no, however making out he's a deadbeat dad etc etc is way ott.

He was trying to pay over 3 times more. He couldn't maintain it.

What exactly do you want him to do?

I meant to say:

I would urge anyone having problems with maintenance to sign up with the CMS.

Piglet- he should talk to his ex about wanting to reduce payments closer to the CMS level which is a minimum payment not a maximum. I think it says a lot when people pay the CMS amount and no more.
Suddenly going from 100 to 0 is dickish.
Talking to the ex and saying next week will be 100 then following week 50 is not. (Doesn't have to be those figures but you know what I mean)

Has anyone suggested the brother seeks mediation with his ex? They can sit down and discuss the financial situation and access from the standpoint of their daughter's best interest.

What has set my alarm bells ringing is no communication, just what can he legally get away with. Of course if he's staring down the barrel of being able afford maintenance or maintaining contact with dd, then of course somethings got to give.

However mediate first and try to avoid any animosity. Rather than present a fait accompli do some negotiating.

will suggest that. They are a very minimal talking terms so I doubt he will go for it.

He doesn't trust her, which I don't blame him after she cheated on him.

Of course he's a dick to just suddenly stop paying the £100. Presumably this was agreed at some point - and is for the benefit of his child.

At least he's going to pay the CSA minimum payment now - but let'e be clear - he is not doing 50-50. He is doing 2 nights out of 14, two school pick ups and half the holidays. That means he can either work or go out socially 10 nights out of 14 - the OP cannot. The RP does 5 school mornings a week, and he does none.

Madgerussell - that's good news about the CMS - I have no experience of these things other than through friends' experiences - but that's great that they're getting results. Must be why F4J are constantly slagging them off then?

Not rtft (just too long) imo hours should be taken into account when calculating payments not just overnights. Obviously whoever has her overnight would usually benefit as that's a high number of hours but I know a couple where the mum has her overnight every night but the day works for himself so does every school pick up and all after school care and eow. Wouldn't really be fair to think she can claim off him the same amount she would if he just had her eow and none of the other (non overnight/ qualifying) hours.

As people have said do the calculation and if he wants to have her a little more often negotiate this with the mum or via mediation. Sickening to think he's might want that purely to pay less money though.

I'm not sure who gets to claim the benefits in a 50/50 split but I think I read only one of the parents can get housing benefit for the additional bedroom needed. He sounds like a Twat who needs castrated! Your parents pay your childcare op then surely they can 'help' your brother with CM!!!

He hasn't been 'overpaying.' He has just been paying more than the bare minimum that can be legally enforced. When did the bare minimum become the accepted amount of maintenance to the point that anything above it is seen as generous?

He sounds like a Twat who needs castrated!

Wow just wow...

While I agree with the others that he does need to pay maintenance, I am shocked by the amount he pays. £100/week!!!! Unless he earns an enormous salary, that seems very high. I have 8-year old twins. Their dad doesn't buy any clothes, school things (he won't even give me £10 to help with school shoes), toys or anything. He doesn't help with anything, except for having them every weekend (if he isn't off somewhere with the latest girlfriend). I only get £130/month. Per month! For two children! With no other help for anything - he won't even babysit if I want to go out for the evening.

If your brother basically pays for half of everything, and has them a lot of the time, and feeds them during the week, I would seriously suggest he does the calculation and see if he's paying too much. I know I'll have a lot of moms up in arms about this, but he seems like he's a good dad and not a waste of space asshole like most men who helps out a lot, so it's unfair to expect him to pay too much.

Why do estranged father's always seem to resent paying child maintenance? Mmmmmmmm?

I am one of the rare people who doesn't ask my ex husband for any maintence for my 3 dc. Why ? Because he has them at weekends , he doesn't put money into them but he puts his time into them , and I think that is more important. ( he works hard but doesn't really manage his money well and is always very short of money at the end of every month ) I have no interest in chasing money every month he doesn't really have, when in every other way he is a good dad. So no I don't think your brother is being greedy or that he is a bad dad at all.

You're very brace asking that on here! You'll get flamed! I haven't read the whole thread so I assume you've already been ansered several times that main ten ever payments are based on overnights only? So he has several options. Carry on as he is, pay the right amount of maintence but offer no extra. Asked for increased overnight care, or full custody going to court if necessary.

I have read the whole thread - all 18 pages, having read the 12 pages yesterday... It took 16-17 pages for OP to answer key questions, including what is his calculated CMA/CSA amount? She was vague on amount he has DC which is really 2/14 nights

ie. Mum has her 12/14 nights, breakfast, arranges school lunch, takes her to school, and v likely the responsibility if DC is off sick. Since as OP says he returns DC to sleep at mums those 2 weekday pick.ups he does, also same on Sun nights. He surely has a reason to do so, that OP has not chosen to share. Despite PP asking why?

OP states he has DC half the school holidays? So 13/2 weeks = 6 1/2 weeks + of course he must take 1/2 pf 4 school inset days off = 7 extra weeks she sstays entirely at his? Does he have them 24 nights a year (which is EOW but not Sun night) +49 nights in school hols = 73 nights /year OP? It might be a reason his CMA is already lower at £34 if he really does...

So OP Does DB have DC 7 full weeks a year in addition to 2/14 nights? I can't help but think this is an exaggeration (since DGP would have to have them at least 2 of those weeks if he gets usual 5 weeks AL a year, which I'm sure OP would have mentioned!)

So... I think a lot of the to & fro on this thread was caused by OP not clarifying when asked & what appears to be a vague post in first place ala pub talk "he practically has 50/50" (when at most he has 73/365= 20:80 care) ... That in itself might not be the actual status quo if he doesn't really have DC half the school holidays!

I agree with a lot of PP on here, he sounds a charm . OP, his sister, clarifies he is doing basics of what a good NRP does (and all those other good NRPs & Step parents don't ask for a medal for it). They don't resent paying to help with upkeep of DC or SDC nor see the minimum CMA calculation amount as fufilling their responsibilities. Those other fab NRP /Step parents just enjoy having DC or SDC, doing as much as they can to be involved in their child's /DSC's life and think about how the other parent is financially coping too. They go to.playdsyes, parties, Parehts evenings as thats what parehts do!! They negotiate with the other parent, ask DC what s/he wants, and never ever play hard ball by suddenly changing or stopping payments.

It's good he wants to see DC and spend crucial time with her, to have that lovely relationship. Such a shame he & his sister have come across as getting petty, name calling DC's RP as 'greedy' rather than working it out with DC's mum direct. With ingrained negative attitudes like that, it doesn't bode for smooth shared parenting.
And he just stopped paying anything!!

OP's comment about him trying to get sole residency as he could since DGP can have DC for childcare (instead of her actual mum!). That was a very telling comment, related by OP herself purely to finances & what he should pay, than his desperately wanting more time with DC. Yet OP's DB already has an easier way to do that, arrange with DC's mum that DC stays overnight with him those 2 school nights he collects her and the Sunday night too EOW. He doesn't need residency to get more time with him/her!! Unless it's all about money, CMA will take it into account anyway, those extra overnights. Imagine how a judge in CFC would view any of this?!

Gosh what lovely inlaws and dad . I feel sad for DC and it is based purely on what OP has said. I umderstand the frustrated responses from so many MNs. So... Yes. YABU.

I don't understand the thing with the overnights being the be all and end all. Week 1 he has her 3 tea times/baths etc while mum has 7 breakfasts, 2 full days with 2 lunches and 4 teas. Week 2 he has her 2 full days with 2 breakfasts and 2 lunches and 6 teas, while mum does 5 breakfasts and 1 teatime. They 50:50 holidays. To me it looks like they both need full household provision for the child e.g. bed, clothes, toys as they both have it a lot. They are both limited in their work schedules by their contact time with the child so I don't really get the night shift comment. If they're splitting the cost of uniforms, trips etc. then to be honest I reckon £100 p/w sounds steep based on the contact OP has stated, though he probably should still be paying something as mum does have more time with child with her. I guess I might change my opinion slightly if mum or dad had given up a career to raise child before they split and how struggles financially as a result, for example. Also, given how much contact they both do have with the child I'm assuming it's a pretty amicable arrangement at the moment - I'm not sure it's worth risking that if he can afford the payments.

Some times nrp are resentful because it was the ex who caused the break up, get to keep the house "because they are the main career" and now have a larger income despite on working part time.
if on average a nrp has contact 2 nights per week, paying 16% of gross income equates to paying 50% for the extra time the children spend with rp.

user many non resident fathers are perfectly happy to pay maintenance, we only tend to hear about the ones who resist. But there seems to be a large proportion of RPs who will never be happy, no matter how much maintenance they receive.

Isn't it so SAD that so many men actually only want to have more contact, purely to pay the least maintenance possible. It doesn't come from what's best for the child. It's absolutely abhorrent behaviour and attitude. And they boast about how much they're paying. I had a male friend who did this and I thought God what a good bloke. I then found out he wasn't even paying the basic CSA amount - what is WRONG with these men?!!

SnipSnip, I second that emotion. Whirlygirly - yes, you're right. My Xh hasn't got a CLUE of what I have to do, how much I have to organise my life (including working life) around caring 24/7 for my children, one of whom he's not seen since Easter. He cannot take responsibility for ANYTHING fully - it's a joke. They have NO idea of the absolutely unending relentless RESPONSIBILITY that is borne by the RP. No idea.

And talking about the way men are looked upon as being amazing just by doing what they are supposed to do (when RP mums are doing that sh*t 24/7 with no thanks), the courts aren't fair either. When the (lone) RP has to care for two kids including working full time, how is it that the court's "NRP will have the children for half the holidays" policy comes to a ruling that the NRP will have the kids for 2 weeks in the summer holidays, whilst I, the RP, has to have them for the remaining four!! When I'm the main breadwinner for my family?!!? Is it JUST because he has a penis? - how can that be deemed fair and compliant with current discrimination laws? How does that help to preserve the health and wellbeing of the all-important RP? It's totally, utterly sexist.

Some times nrp are resentful because it was the ex who caused the break up

Which as the OP has said her brothers ex cheated on him, I'm guessing there may be some of that here.

Eve you are bound to be biaised as he is your son. He is duty-bound to provide for his child when she isn't with him regardless of who buys what.