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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child maintaince with a greedy ex

484 replies

EveOnline2016 · 17/09/2016 00:02

My brother has his daughter a lot.

This is how it breaks down. 1/2 the school holidays. EOW plus every Monday Tuesday and Thursday after school. Also 1/2 the cost of school uniform.

EOW is Friday after school till bedtime Sunday.

Still ex wants CMO payments.

While he has his daughter he feeds and clothes her and washes and irons the school uniform to send back.

My brother has now stopped the £100 per week maintence or he can't afford to have his dd.

Is this fair.

OP posts:
Careforadrink · 17/09/2016 15:35

It's 2 out of 5 not 4

It's 2 nights out of 14

She does 3 pick ups. 5 school mornings and 3 evenings.every other weekend and 12 nights out of 14

The brother does 4 nights out of 31. I have no idea why some posters think this is a lot.

Xmaslover · 17/09/2016 15:36

If he can't afford to pay £100 now what makes him think he can afford having the child full time

Careforadrink · 17/09/2016 15:36

I hope some of the posters on here aren't accountants lol

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 15:39

She does 3 pick ups. 5 school mornings and 3 evenings.every other weekend and 12 nights out of 14

You are right on the nights. And that's what the CSA calculator works on.

If he did the nights, the ex would probably get virtually nothing. But I would guess she still has roughly the same outgoings.

Maybe he should ask for nights. But that would impact even more on his ex?

kilmuir · 17/09/2016 15:39

The fathers always get bashed by the single mums in here.
Blah blah she has to pay electric, but a bed etc, so does he, does she pay towards that? No

kilmuir · 17/09/2016 15:40

He should have her more nights. Then the mother can get a night job

Xmaslover · 17/09/2016 15:42

I'm sure it's been said previously the mum has a job.

witsender · 17/09/2016 15:44

She has a job. And why are there only 4 days in a week according to some posters?

Tell him to go to the CSA.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 15:46

If he decides to work more nights, then his pay could go down with the impact of that on the school run and work - and reduced pay impacts on any maintaince calculations as well.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 15:47

And why are there only 4 days in a week according to some posters

4 school evenings.

Fri - the DD is at either parents.
Sat - either parents
Sun - either parents.

TheLastHeatwave · 17/09/2016 15:49

It's complicated. Always. It's less complicated if you are two reasonable adults. However, if you're two reasonable adults it's far likely you'll need to have these discussions. There are too many unknowns in this to make any kind of suggestions or give advice.

The ONLY known factor is that he has stopped paying anything and that IS selfish, stupid & damaging. Not only affecting his Ex, but potentially his daughter of her mother is unable to pick up the slack until he takes his head out of his arse & sorts this out.

Ego. I totally get what you are saying, the one size fits all approach really is pretty crap. The trouble is no official system can operate on a case by case basis. 'Overnights' have been used to determine 'responsibility for the children' because it's the clearest way to 'count' the 'share' of the time each parent is responsible for the feeding/heating/clothing & 'being there'. It determines who can work & who can't (without childcare & associated costs) freely. Of course doing the after school picks ups & evening care does make a huge difference to the other parent, but you really can't introduce too many factors into a national calculation. Parents just need to talk & do what's best for the child & hopefully each other but sadly, given the relationship has broken down, it's rare they can do that. I honestly don't think there is another 'official' calculation that would work any better.

[However, as you yourself have admitted, he does need to pay the CMS minimum at the very least until something else is sorted out.]

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 17/09/2016 15:49

I really don't know where the 2 weekday evening come from.

My op states Monday Tuesday and Thursday after school ( 3 evenings a week)

The EOW where that's Friday till Sunday ( 4 evenings that week ) plus the weekend

OP posts:
Ego147 · 17/09/2016 15:52

I really don't know where the 2 weekday evening come from

Sorry - I must have misread that.

So it's 3 after school pick ups

Why doesn't he do school nights? Is it work related?

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 17/09/2016 15:54

He works from home, so he just works around his daughter.

OP posts:
Ego147 · 17/09/2016 15:58

Parents just need to talk & do what's best for the child & hopefully each other but sadly, given the relationship has broken down, it's rare they can do that. I honestly don't think there is another 'official' calculation that would work any better

Totally agree - but it can be hard to do that. It's good to see some separated parents can do that. Whilst others do fuck all.

He works from home, so he just works around his daughter

Maybe he should have overnights then. Then legally he won't have much maintenance to pay.

But that might well not be a moral thing to do - as it might well affect his ex.

TheLastHeatwave · 17/09/2016 16:00

If he works from home, why does he take her to her mother's to sleep! That seems nuts.

mixety · 17/09/2016 16:02

*But how can he take her to a birthday party when he is struggling to make ends meet and can't get a small gift and a card.

The only way he will be able to do it is if he says to the mother that he can't afford to have her after school, but that would mean her giving up her job or finding a child minder.*

What is it about having her after school that he can't afford? Presumably loss of earnings rather than the cost of feeding her, which must be minimal?

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 16:05

Just let the CMS decide.

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 17/09/2016 16:07

He would have no problem with having her overnight and giving mum access, but it's not what the mum wants. Understandable that she wants to spend time with her daughter as well even if it is to do bedtime routine.

OP posts:
mixety · 17/09/2016 16:11

It sounds like they are both happy to pay for her to have a bedroom in each house. It sounds like they are both agreeable to clubs etc,etc. Instead of seeing it as maintenance, they should probably sit down, and tally up what she costs each month in pocket money, club, childcare, clothes, food, school trips, divide this by two, and pay equally.

I totally agree. This is a much better system than CMS, if both parents are able to make it work. Its more or less exactly what my DP and his ex do. However they have a great co parenting relationship and are both financially stable in their own right. I fear these two things aren't true for a lot of separated parents.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 16:11

He would have no problem with having her overnight and giving mum access, but it's not what the mum wants

Doesn't have to be every night, does it?

He could do Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Maybe less on the weekends ?

That's still probably 50/50 - his ex could have 50/50 as well. It doesn't seem that it would be more expensive for him - but it would mean the CSA payments would be reduced to a manageable level - and that is what the CSA would say.

Somerville · 17/09/2016 16:12

Eve if he wants to negotiate more overnights with his daughter then he needs to start paying maintenance.

All the time he is not fulfilling his legal obligation he won't be taken seriously.

Home-based work is much less well paid - I know. I do it myself. It is the only option in my situation but it isn't in his, he should look into switching his line of work or taking on something extra part-time. As if he can't afford his maintenance payment he will be judged to not being able to afford more residence.

Ego147 · 17/09/2016 16:14

eve

Is he paying the CSA expectation - or more than is expected?

Somerville · 17/09/2016 16:15

He is paying nothing at present, remember.

TotallyOuting · 17/09/2016 16:17

Some RPs need the money, some claim they do when they don't.

Child maintenance is not spousal maintenance. The father's 50% of the costs do not magically become the mother's if she happens to be able to afford to cover them.