Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not Wanting To Leave

402 replies

ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 13:22

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 16/09/2016 16:19

Of course it would have Zame

But jolly lucky for the OP that it is going to have a marked change on everyone's opinions on her situation now, eh? Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2016 16:20

No. I wanted an opinion on JUST the matter before I involved the way he was thanks! No drip here!!

Actually that is a drip feed so yes there is a drip there.

Is he actually welcome at your parents home? Does he get anytime with just you and his daughter?

TattyCat · 16/09/2016 16:20

Op for goodness sake grow up.

YOU are the one depriving your child of her father - I doubt she'll thank you for that one day. Her father will, quite rightly, tell her that he wanted you all to be together but you made it impossible. And as for him being so distracted at the weekend - I really don't blame him. If I worked away and had to come home to my family AND her parents, I'd want to be out and about too. I'm afraid I don't believe you really - I think you're only saying this now because you're not getting people agreeing with you. Terrible behaviour, this.

I'm sorry, but you are being totally selfish here. He can't possibly get to know his daughter, and she him, whilst you're all in this situation. And you're not being fair to either of them.

TattyCat · 16/09/2016 16:22

And if your parents are over involved with your daughter's care, he'll likely feel sidelined as well. Another reason that he's probably feeling pushed out.

Rozdeek · 16/09/2016 16:23

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby?

Um I'm guessing every single mum ever?

Also I do see your point. I would feel the same. But I would not, ever, have started a relationship with someone in the army, for that exact reason.

JudyCoolibar · 16/09/2016 16:23

I am the perfect girlfriend ... I'm constantly told this! This problem has only risen up recently, and I truly don't understand why I should be the one to compromise!?

You have two alternatives, both of which seem entirely reasonable. One is to move into married quarters with your DP: you won't do that because you've assumed that every other person in married quarters will be horrible and you won't be able to make friends. The second is that, as you have said, you could look to move into your own house near your parents' house, but you won't do that either because you don't think you should be paying out for a mortgage for somewhere you say you will only live in at weekends. As stated, even if you don't live there all the time it's worth buying a house as an investment. Your reason for saying you won't live there during the week is "What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby?": but the answer to that question, as stated on this thread, is that virtually any woman would feel perfectly safe in that situation.

You however choose to regard both of those alternatives as punishment, though it really isn't clear why. The other possibility you seem to propose is that your partner should just give up his career. You haven't suggested what else he would or could do, or why it is reasonable to make him sacrifice something you knew all about when you got pregnant.

He is right, you really don't come over as at all committed to the relationship, which may well have a lot to do with why you now say - very late - that he is not committing to it either. Unless you are prepared to accept that, just maybe, neither of his proposals is at all unreasonable, you probably need to draw a line under this relationship now.

TattyCat · 16/09/2016 16:23

And your parents should actually be actively encouraging you to be moving on with your partner. Not mollycoddling you.

JudyCoolibar · 16/09/2016 16:26

OP, have you thought ahead to the future at all, particularly in relation to what would happen if your parents weren't around or weren't able to help you with the baby? Can you guarantee that you will never have to be in the house on your own with your child?

ilovesooty · 16/09/2016 16:29

You've chucked in that childish drip feed because people challenged what you said.

I'd love to know who's constantly describing you as the perfect girlfriend.

OlennasWimple · 16/09/2016 16:29

Either you are content to be an army wife, or you aren't. There's no right or wrong answer to that, by the way, but you have to make a decision at some point (and it would have been preferable to have done so before having a child with someone in the army).

SianSteans · 16/09/2016 16:30

I actually agree with OP. In many cultures it is normal for parents, children and grandchildren to live together. Doesn't mean the adult children are immature it just means all 3 generations love and support each other in the same home.

If her partner wants to live with her 2 days a week he should move into her parents house and be part of the 3 generation family living together and have a small flat while he is working away.

If he wants her to leave her family and friends to live in an army house near his friends is he going to pay for a live in carer to support the OP in raising their child while living with a severe disability? If not how does he expect her to cope?

BaggyCheeks · 16/09/2016 16:30

The new information drastically changes things though - why would anyone suggest you move in with him, let alone marry him if he's a terrible father and can't be bothered with you?

I'm not sure what it is you actually want to hear OP, and I don't mean that in a snarky way. What is it that you want? Do you actually want to be with him?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/09/2016 16:30

I get the sense that neither of you thought through the consequences before having your DD. You had a baby with someone whose job is guaranteed to require them to move from their home town and is likely to involve multiple moves during his time in the army.

I think you were both unrealistic, he because he assumed you would be happy to follow him and you because you thought he wouldn't mind you staying where you are. So you both have to face up to the fact that you have been naive.

However, the key question for me is how to you both make this work for your DD. You and your bf have a responsibility to your DD to ensure she develops a positive relationship with both her parents. You both need to stop thinking about what works for each of you and focus on what works for her.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/09/2016 16:30

Look, if you're not that into the relationship - daughter or no daughter - that's fine. You don't have to force it for anybody. But you may regret it if you don't try and make this work, and that means compromise from both of you.

You may not think you're immature (immature's not an insult by the way) but what you don't know, well, you don't know it. And I think most of us are telling you you don't yet know how to make a committed, adult relationship work in the long-run. Don't be offended, lots of people much older than you don't know that either, but most people here are trying to give you an idea of what's involved.

Stopyourhavering · 16/09/2016 16:34

I'm not surprised he wants to go out with his mates with your attitude!

dybil · 16/09/2016 16:37

I'm sorry OP, but you do sound immature and it comes across in a lot of the comments in this thread.

This may be understandable - it sounds like you had a serious injury at an age where most people move away from home, or get their first job (could I ask if you've ever been employed?)

I'm sure most people on here were scared when they moved out, and your disability and being a mum will make that harder but, if you think you might have a future with this guy, then you owe it to yourself to try moving in with him.

Are married quarters rented? If so, if you don't like it you could always move back home.

GummyBunting · 16/09/2016 16:40

It is not unreasonable for your DP to want to start a grownup family life, in a home he can call his own (even if rented).

In what circumstances would you be willing to move into a home with him, for the three of you?

MagikarpetRide · 16/09/2016 16:46

You ask why he won't compromise but there seems nothing he can do but quit his job that would appease you. Yes, fair enough asking you to move away from your area won't work for you but then you can't see the barriers living as an addendum to your family brings.

You claim he isn't interested in his child nor bonded with her, yet he's asking for a way to make it easier to bond with her - tbf there's a strange bloke in a house of known adults every so often so it's not easy for them to bond. I can imagine he is frustrated in this situation and as a younger man would rather go out.

He is very correct though, you aren't committed to the relationship and you actively seem to resent him for following his career goal and sticking with it. He's also asking for you to be a family with him but you seem to feel that's at the expense of your chosen lifestyle which is more important to you than trying to find a way down the middle.

JacquesHammer · 16/09/2016 16:49

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby

Single parents? Women who live alone through choice?

We don't need men to make the house all safe from the big bad things

LunaLoveg00d · 16/09/2016 16:49

Isn't married quarters full of wives and children? So loads of potential new friends

yes but she doesn't want THOSE friends, she wants HER friends! (stamps foot like a petulant toddler)

OP I feel very sorry for your bloke who is juggling a demanding job in the Army with not seeing his child as much as he wants and a "partner" who at the age of 24 wants to live with Mummy and Daddy because she is scared of being in the house on her own.

Thousands of us, millions of us probably have moved from one end of the country to another for jobs or a relationship and have had to start making friends and getting a support network from scratch. I would imagine that being an Army partner, with access to the support and social networks the Army provides, is WAY easier than in other occupations. But you have to have the right attitude and what is coming across crystal clear is that it's your way, or no way at all.

I am not sure why you had a baby with this man at all as it is very clear that you do not intend to make a go of the relationship in any meaningful way.

onlyslightlyinterested · 16/09/2016 16:50

I smell bullshit.....

DailyMailPenisPieces · 16/09/2016 16:50

Ummm [gmm]

DailyMailPenisPieces · 16/09/2016 16:51

I hope you're right only. For his sake.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/09/2016 16:53

Yep. He's in the army, he chose that lifestyle.
Yep. I had his baby, I chose that lifestyle.

The third point you missed is that you chose to have a baby with a man in the army. Surely you discussed his before you decided to have a baby - which, if I may say so, was very soon indeed after you "got together"

As for no woman ever feeling safe in a house on her own with DC, that's one of the silliest things I ever read on MN and that's saying somethingone

mixety · 16/09/2016 16:53

I think you were both unreasonable to have a baby together without working this stuff out.

I see your point about not wanting to move away from your family and friends especially given your disability. But then WHY did you have a baby with someone who was committed to a job 2 hours away? I dont think 'we both wanted a baby' is a good enough reason really, so you only have yourselves to blame for the stalemate you are now in.