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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not Wanting To Leave

402 replies

ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 13:22

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

OP posts:

TattyCat · 16/09/2016 16:53

Even if he left the army, he'd need a full time job. So he'd be away from the home during the day (or nights, depending on job). If that doesn't work for you either (because you don't want to be on your own in a house) then you have no choice but to end this relationship. From what you've said, he won't want to live with your parents forever (and who can blame him?) so there really isn't any alternative here.

Starrystarrynight456 · 16/09/2016 16:55

I can under

happypoobum · 16/09/2016 17:00

I certainly wouldn't stay in a house by myself for 5 days a week, I wouldn't feel safe at all!

Can you explain this OP? It sounds like you have quite extreme anxiety issues. You must be aware that millions of people live like this - many of them with babies and small children, many of them disabled. You do come across as incredibly childish and faintly ridiculous.

If it isn't going to work out, better to cut him free so he can find someone who wants the same things he does? And you can just stay living in your little bubble.....

MrTiddlestheFatCat · 16/09/2016 17:01

Would be very interesting to see the other side of this story.

LunaLoveg00d · 16/09/2016 17:02

Would be very interesting to see the other side of this story.

Would imagine it would be from a stressed out bloke who can't stand his partner's parents.

EmpressofBlandings · 16/09/2016 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

daftbesom · 16/09/2016 17:03

Hi OP - I can understand your point of view.

I broke up with an army boyfriend a long time ago because I realised I wouldn't be happy with the "Army wife" lifestyle. Broke both our hearts (and really pissed him off as well).

It didn't even enter my head to do what you have done, so massive respect to you, you sound very determined, and to have a baby when you have your type of disability, I am awe-struck.

But I can totally get where he is coming from too. Permanently not living with your spouse is possible but it's not something most of us would think was ideal.

choli · 16/09/2016 17:04

So what this distils down to is nothing more than two young people rushing into having a child together because they wanted one, without getting to know one another properly first and without thinking through the long term implications and of whether they were actually suited or wanted the same things in life.

Somehow I doubt very much that two people made this decision.

Welshmaenad · 16/09/2016 17:04

So you actively decided to try for a baby together, with absolutely no discussion of where you would even live or how you would balance his commitment to serve with your disabilities, and how you would work to do parent thus child, when you'd been together approximately five minutes (but had apparently wanted this 'for years') and you're pissed off with people calling you immature?

I'd say they were being reserved.

MaudGonneMad · 16/09/2016 17:04

Nasty Empress

Gazelda · 16/09/2016 17:07

Empress that is uncalled for. No matter what your opinion of someone, it's not on to question or ridicule their disability.

DinosaursRoar · 16/09/2016 17:07

OP - think carefully, I have friends who are reaching 40 still living with their parents and are watching adult life passing them by, looking back, they were just scared of change in their early 20s and parents who enabled them to stay in a late-teens lifestyle, not encouraging taking the next steps. Even though you've had a DC, it seems your parents still are encouraging you to stay in a child-like state, making your DD another child of the family, along with you.

OP - if you are able to live independently from your parents, then you should do so. You should try being a family with your DP, or accept it's not possible and split up, arranging formal access/maintenance.

(And why would you be alone with DD? wouldn't your DP come home after work every day? When he's posted overseas, why couldn't you move back in with your parents then if you really can't cope sleeping in a house without a man to keep you safe...)

Your posts drip with fear - you are being agressive, but under that, you seem really really scared of change and new experiences, that you couldn't cope, you couldn't make friends, you can't do change... Unless you plan to still live with your parents until they die, at some point you will have to face change. Don't let life pass you by out of fear of trying something new.

What's the worse that could happen? You move in together, after a few months, it becomes clear you haven't made new friends and don't like living with him, you move back with your parents but can at least tell your DD you tried to be a family with her dad.

Starrystarrynight456 · 16/09/2016 17:07

I can understand you not wanting to move away etc. I wouldnt want to move to army quarter either so I don't blame you for that. The difference is however i, knowing this, haven't had relationships with men in the services let alone have a child with one.

I don't know whether im more sad or disappointed to hear that you and DP didn't discuss locations before having a child...you had one because you'd always wanted one, a human being not a bloody new car. Your DD deserves better than that.

It sounds like you have a close relationship with your parents and yet fail to realise you are contributing to your DD potentially not having a close relationship with her father.

The time to think about what's good for you has gone....the time for that passed when you decided to bring a child into the world without considering how that would work with a father in the army and a mother not wanting to be based in quarters. You are a mother now, your daughter should come above all less.

For what it's worth my answer would be the opposite if your DP was trying to relocate after your DD had been born....but it's you that's changed the goal posts here. You're basically putting him in the position of quittjng his job or having to see very little of his daughter....what a horrible position for him to be in.

Next time you decide to have a child maybe give a bit more thought to the practicalities before you mess with people's lives. You live with your father even though you're an adult, your daughter is a baby and doesn't get to do that because you value your family more than you do hers.

And a mortgage is very rarely a waste of money....short of him quitting the army it sounds like you won't be happy with any kind of compromise.

allsfairinlove · 16/09/2016 17:08

Do you love each other? Serious question.

Throughout your posts, there doesn't seem to be much love from you or your partner TBH.

Do you actually want to get married or are you both finding ways to get out of the relationship?

mygorgeousmilo · 16/09/2016 17:09

I feel like you should stop calling yourself Armymum for a start! You are not remotely invested in your DPs career in the army, or in your relationship with a soldier. You knew he was a soldier before you became pregnant, and should have considered the fact that you were making a huge commitment to each other by having a child - and that he'd very likely want to live with his family! Btw that's YOU op, his parther and child are his family. Your parents are your family but once you have children you have to branch off and take the next steps. By hanging back and not making the commitment to your own family, and your own child, you are being outrageously immature. Many, many people live on their own with children, be that single parents, people with DH in the army or away on business etc to say nobody would live on their own is so foolish. I could go and live at my mums every time my husband is away on business, but I don't because I'm an adult and run my own home and manage my own life. We could all bundle in together under one roof and I wouldn't have to pay for anything and could get handy childcare, but again I don't because being an adult is about standing on your own two feet and being responsible for yourself and your children. You don't seem to care about anyone but yourself, and are denying your daughter the chance to be part of a family unit. Both you and your partner are at fault for not being clear with one another BEFORE having a child. You are being so selfish not moving to be with him, especially as it sounds like you could just move back with your parents if it turns upside down anyway. Why not make any effort to be a family. No wonder he goes out with his mates when he's back for a weekend, why would he want to be indoors in your parents' home? You can't have such huge expectations of him when you've done nothing for him except get pregnant and keep his child at a huge distance from him. I'm so shocked that anyone would have a child and then choose to not grow up themselves. Call us all cunts if you like, but look at the percentage of people that have told you that you're being immature and selfish, it's not just me. People usually consider where they're all going to live, usually want to be together as a unit, and usually make compromises by the time a baby arrives. It's you that's being unreasonable. All you!

DianaMitford · 16/09/2016 17:11

You chose to be with this man. That's why you're expected to leave your childhood home and live with him. As pp have said - you sound incredibly immature. I imagine that ultimately he will leave you. And I wouldn't blame him.

Comejointhemurder · 16/09/2016 17:11

He might be an arsehole or he might feel really awkward and shit having to be a visitor to his partner and child in her parents home with them obviously hovering round (because it's their house!).

He's clearly telling you he wants to live with his family - not be a visitor in someone else's house.

minniespot · 16/09/2016 17:12

What women would feel safe in a house alone with a baby? Me/ everyone... Why wouldn't you feel safe your a adult and a mother, I have been a single mum for years, even was a single mum while pregnant and with a newborn

I agree with the others, you sound very immature, you knew he had going into the army and you could of got out then you certainly shouldn't of had a baby with him! Army life is not for everyone and if it isn't for you then you should never of got into the relationship... I can see your DP point

Chinnygirl · 16/09/2016 17:13

Op, will you please answer the question if you ever want to move out of your parents house? And when?

FrancisCrawford · 16/09/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chinnygirl · 16/09/2016 17:17

What kind of childhood would you like your DD to have? Would you prefer her to grow up at her grabdparents instead of her dad?

If you break up with her father, can you cope with her being away from you in the weekends?

You really really have to make some decusions about tge future

Dontwantanicknamethanks · 16/09/2016 17:17

OP you are coming under a lot of flack here, some of which I agree with. You do seem immature and not very bright either. However, you haven't really left home and spread your wings so haven't had the space to do so. You did do one grown up thing that lots of young women do, which is to have a child. And no doubt you and her grandparents love her and do the best by your standards. However, you're not quite ready to do the really grown up thing and create a family home with your partner. You don't feel safe doing so, not because you have to live alone, but because you can't rely on him. Your parents will always be there, unlike him, and never let you down, so that is why you prefer them. But your partner will only put in what he feels he will get back, which is not a lot at the moment. The military thing is almost a side issue (though if you must know, it does have its pros and cons and the military really does try to look after families). You will never grow up if you don't try new and uncomfortable things but it feels like you know you are heading for single motherhood and are just accelerating the situation. Also bear in mind ur parents will not be around forever. All in all, if you are happier living with ur parents, then prepare to let your OH go. I can't see much mileage in this relationship or any other, as long as you are tied to your parents in this way. Sorry.

ScarlettO89 · 16/09/2016 17:18

You sound absolutely pathetic and very selfish. I feel sorry for your boyfriend and your child, they are both missing out because you're too busy putting yourself first

Chinnygirl · 16/09/2016 17:19

How do you feel about all these people feeling fine on their own and you thinking it's unsafe? Are you going to work on that issue?

PNGirl · 16/09/2016 17:19

Honest question OP. When you got pregnant were you hoping he'd lose interest in the army and come back to be a family with you full-time?

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