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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not Wanting To Leave

402 replies

ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 13:22

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

OP posts:
purplefox · 16/09/2016 15:16

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby?

The majority of single parents in the world? This statement alone shows how much you need to grow up.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/09/2016 15:17

I think the operative word in that sentence Piglet was some, but not having written it I couldn't say at whom it was aimed. I would err on the side of not taking offence when it's not explicit though.

gamerchick · 16/09/2016 15:19

It looks like you have a clear choice to make OP. Take the next step into adulthood or stay at home and avoid it all. You can't have both anymore.

You won't have that choice forever though, it may be made for you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/09/2016 15:19

When you come on AIBU you're asking people what they think. Well, you know what we think. Nearly all the replies you've had say YBTU. I'd suggest you take on board what people say. Rather than make you look better, every further post you've made displays how selfish and childish you are.

Maybe your disability has led your parents to cosset you, kept you a child. Maybe not. But you're not fit to marry at this point, that's for sure.

RaspberryBeret34 · 16/09/2016 15:19

Oh shit yeah I'll just whack out £300,000 on a house around here a minute!

But previously you seemed to imply getting a mortgage was possible for your DP (if expensive). That was why I suggested it.

So, given that your DP has let you know the current arrangement isn't working for him and you feel it wouldn't work for you to move into married quarters and leave your family and friends, the options are:

  1. He leaves the army (would he?)
  2. He rents (or buys a smaller place/flat?) near you, you both live there at weekends and you stay a couple of nights per week with your parents.
  3. Split up.
Branleuse · 16/09/2016 15:20

I think i must live in a parallel universe to some of you.

He wants to be in the army - great, good for him, but why does that mean his disabled partner should move two hours away from any support network, to be alone and parent by herself.

I think any sensible person would just realise that is completely untenable. The relationship is working as it is. The relationship "progressing" for him, means she would be up shit creek

TheFairyCaravan · 16/09/2016 15:21

OP I see your point but also your partner's.I am also disabled and it is clear from some of the comments on here, that some people have no fucking idea at all, how much debilitating pain affects your ability to do much of anything

I'm disabled, in severe pain, have 2 kids and am a military wife who has never lived near family. I'm more than qualified to comment.

Original poster
ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 15:21

Christ thank fuck someone can see it from my point of view!!!

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 16/09/2016 15:25

The only person who's being cunty is you OP.

1stTimeMama · 16/09/2016 15:26

Might I suggest a name change? You couldn't be less Army Mum if you were actively trying to be. Don't spend your days boasting about how absolutely uninvolved you are in the Army community, and in fact your own soldiers life, !nd then create a persona claiming to be a supportive Army spouse and mother to an Army offspring.
Being the wife/girlfriend of someone in the forces is hard bloody work. It's a life of worry and concern for the safety of your loved one. It's having the strength to stand on your own two feet and carry the family and the household. It's being married, but living life as a single parent, and being ok with that. You do not qualify.

Also, one way not to make friends on the patch would be to tell us we're all "horrible bullies", or worse. That is not the the way forward!

OddThomas7 · 16/09/2016 15:26

The relationship is working as it is.

Evidently not or he wouldn't be asking for changes.

He wants to be in the army - great, good for him, but why does that mean his disabled partner should move two hours away from any support network, to be alone and parent by herself.

I would said that someone who doesn't want to move away from her support network shouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone whose job will mean that moving is inevitable. He has no choice about where he is based. It was her choice to be with him knowing that.

BaggyCheeks · 16/09/2016 15:26

Branleuse The relationship isn't working though, or the OP's boyfriend wouldn't be proposing the changes he is.

In any case, it doesn't sound the healthiest of situations. And I'm inclined to agree with her boyfriend that she doesn't sound as committed to the relationship in the long term.

Original poster
ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 15:26

Please understand I'm not purposely dodging questions .. at this point in time I'm trying to defend myself against nasty insults!
I don't know how I see our relationship progressing. I've never said I won't live with him ever!

I cannot honestly see how I'm coming across as the selfish one. I'm not demanding, I'm not selfish. I couldn't be more selfless in this relationship! Whether you choose to believe that or not.

I am the perfect girlfriend ... I'm constantly told this! This problem has only risen up recently, and I truly don't understand why I should be the one to compromise!?
We chose to have a baby together, no, location wasn't discussed, it's just something we've wanted to do for years so we did it!

I'm very capable of looking after my daughter & I'm really not childish - again, whether you believe it or not!

Yes I chose to be with him whilst he's in the army, I understood I'd be looking after OUR baby solely by myself 24:7, and doing a bloody good job at it!

But I did not choose moving away from everyone I know!

OP posts:
eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/09/2016 15:28

I do agree with you Branleuse, but perhaps the relationship isn't working for him as things are? Only OP can find that out, but you know, he's at that point in life when settling down can be hugely appealing. If that's what he wants out of life he's wise to start working towards that now, and if he isn't going to get it with his current job and/or current partner he's right to recognise that early.

OP, do you think he would carry on like this indefinitely? Would you be happy with that if you thought he was holding out under the mistaken idea you may one day come around to his way of thinking? You might want to set out your stall with him and tell him how you see this situation playing out, and don't sugar coat it. If it's the family life with you and his daughter he seems to want OR the army, you need to say it exactly as it is.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/09/2016 15:28

parent by herself.

She wouldn't be parenting by herself. The vast majority of the time they work Mon-Fri. They get notice of when they are going to be away so she could arrange for help from her parents, move back for a bit, or Welfare might help sort something. In cases of exceptional circumstances, eg surgery or something, then the serving person wouldn't go away.

It would be unlikely that the OP would be the only disabled person on the camp, tbh.

GreenShadow · 16/09/2016 15:28

Sorry, but like most the other posters, I think you need to face up to realities.

He wants a proper family relationship with YOU and your DC.

You are choosing your birth family over him. That's fine, but perhaps now is the time to let him go so he can establish a proper relationship with someone else.

I have moved round the country several times. In each case I knew NO ONE (apart from DH) before I moved. Yes, it can be scary at first but it is do-able. You will meet new people and get to know a different part of the country and hopefully make new friends for life.

Please do think carefully or you risk losing him.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/09/2016 15:31

When my husband finally comes out, he will have served 32 years. Did you really think that you would manage to stay living where you are, for 10, 15, 20 years, while your partner is in the army?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/09/2016 15:32

I don't know how I see our relationship progressing

That's perfectly fine, and it'll either be perfectly fine for your dp who may not mind waiting to see how thing's progress... or it may not be. He may ask you to commit to the relationship with a clear vision of what you both want out of life, or step aside. I've certainly laid that on the table for partners in the past; it's completely reasonable. But like I say, perhaps he's not at crunch time yet. But perhaps he is.

Arfarfanarf · 16/09/2016 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seven201 · 16/09/2016 15:33

Yabu. He wants to see his child in the evenings and weekends without having to travel. Surely you knew this when you planned your baby. The army community is very supportive. I appreciate it's harder for you because if your disability but you can't live with your parents forever.

choli · 16/09/2016 15:34

There's being straight to the point and then there's being just outright spiteful and nasty!
No, it hasn't opened my eyes.
I stick by my original opinion.
Yep. He's in the army, he chose that lifestyle.
Yep. I had his baby, I chose that lifestyle.
Am I still adamant that I'd like to live by family and friends? Yes I am.
Am I still adamant I shouldn't have to leave everyone I know for his job? Yes I am.
If it makes me selfish - then fuck it, I'm selfish.
But I'd rather be happy & have help at hand, than miserable & away from everyone!
There is a lot of I, I, I in the OP's posts, but nothing about her child and her child's best interests. Nothing about her child, her child's father and herself as a family unit. Just me me me.

Her child's father should cut his losses and get out of the relationship. I am not going to call him her partner, there is obviously no partnership there at all.

RortyCrankle · 16/09/2016 15:34

You are not alone in being disabled and dealing with daily pain - millions are. You are being utterly ridiculous to suggest that you couldn't live alone - millions do. So not such a special snowflake then. You come over as immature, me! me! me! and I just bet you stamp those little feet of yours when you get cross (or should that be cwoss) Grin

And less of calling people cunts because you don't like what they say. You're the one who started the thread - shouldn't have done so if you didn't want the truth.

Stormtreader · 16/09/2016 15:34

I cant quite work out what situation the OP actually wants. It sounds like the only acceptable scenario is living at or near her parents, with a partner thats home every night. But hes in the Army and not looking to leave, so being home every night isnt going to happen.

So what is it that you are actually proposing for the future OP? Do you want to get married to him but not change anything else about your current life at all where you only see him most weekends? Do you want the situation to still be exactly as it currently is in 5 or 10 years time?

Thurlow · 16/09/2016 15:35

Where do you see things in 5, 10 years time?

Will you always be living with your parents, and never wanting to be in a house alone at night, or do you think this is a temporary solution and things will change?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/09/2016 15:36

Thing is, Bran, that the relationship isn't working judging by what he's saying. And I don't blame him. Why propose when it's obvious any marriage wouldn't last five minutes? OP is thinking only of herself.

I was in love with a man who joined the army, long time ago. We talked about his career and sadly agreed that we had no future together. I wanted to work in London and was very unconventional in looks and ideas. So we parted. No bones broken, and we're still good friends.