Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

[TattyCat]

Yep. I had his baby, I chose that lifestyle.

These are your words!!!! HE chose HIS lifestyle BEFORE you had a baby FGS!

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

Oh shit yeah I'll just whack out £300,000 on a house around here a minute!

[Zame]

You're not giving feedback on any opinions or suggestions though

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

My partner is now calling me "less committed"

Having read the whole thread I totally agree with him.

I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend

Then perhaps you should have considered the fact that you are clearly not cut out to be an army wife before you got pregnant so soon after starting a relationship with him.

He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together

I can't say i blame him - what on earth would be the point? Your reasons for wanting to live with your parents instead of him won't suddenly evaporate just because you are married, so marrying you would appear to be a bit of a waste of time at the moment.

[AGenie]

I totally see you side. I'd want help in the house if I had a dh who was always away. I think he IBU.

[redskytonight]

OP, you are missing the point that most 20 something couples with a child do live in their own place!! If they can't afford to buy something, then they rent.

[MrTiddlestheFatCat]

People told you you were being unreasonable, immature and selfish.

You then called us all cunts and said you wouldn't move from your parents house because everyone else is 'horrible like us'

Nobody has thrown insults at you. They gave you opinions on your situation- the consensus is that you are being immature & unreasonable. That is not a fucking character assassination.

In an ideal world, how would you see this situation remedied?

[takesnoprisoners]

You knew what his job/career was, chose to be with him. Now you don't want to commit any more than you did when you first met. He is right. This "relationship", from the sound of things, is not 100% equal. He deserves better, he should leave you. You sound like a really entitled, immature and angry person. YABU.

[OddThomas7]

So which of those non-cunty opinions have you listened to?

You chose to stay in a relationship and have a child with a man who is in the Army. That means you chose that lifestyle just as much as he did.

You are not being forced into anything, and you're not being punished. You're being asked to be part of a full and equal partnership with the man you love. I am baffled to see how you can see that as punishment?

[Gazelda]

OP, I think you want him to leave the army, don't you?

Try to see it from an outsiders point of view. A lad is in the army, living in single men's accom (presumably). He's got a 1 year old baby who lives 2 hours away with their mother who he knew for 3 months before the baby was conceived. No one outside the situation would think the DM and the DF were in a committed relationship.

OP, what solution do you think would work for you two? What is more important to you - your relationship or being able to live with your parents? The choice is yours.

[dinkystinky]

What did you envisage as your future when you decided to get pregnant with your boyfriend OP? Him giving up his job and moving in with you and your parents and child? He clearly saw it as a step towards the three of you becoming a family unit and wants to take the next step of living as a family unit, which because of his job, is either on an army base or on a part time basis.

Plenty of people live alone in homes with children and are safe. Plenty of those have disabilities too. Plenty move away from family and friends for all sorts of reasons. It sounds like you're making excuses because you simply don't want to commit to the next stage of the relationship. Think long and hard on what future you want you and your daughter to have with your boyfriend and where you see it being, and be frank with yourself and with him.

[takingthep]

I know a lady who actually got married, before informing her poor husband hat she couldn't live with him in his flat as it was on the 3rd floor and she suffered from vertigo . She knew where he lived (and presumably visited him there while dating)
I think they annulled the wedding in the end. You sound like her!

[Catdogcat]

I have a husband who works away for long periods of time leaving me alone with our DD.
I absolutely do not feel unsafe.
I also don't have any family nearby and all my friends have very busy lives. So I go to baby groups and activities with the baby for socialising.

He's probably finding it very hard being away from the baby and wants a home to come back to where you both are.

FWIW I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with regardless of how long we'd known each other and having a child.

[InScotlandwetrust]

Can I ask how you expect the relationship to progress?

[UnderseaPineapple]

I'm not surprised you want to stay at home with your parents. If you moved out you'd have to be responsible for your child and parent her and have a home to look after.

Yes, stay at home where life is good and sheltered from the big bad world that tells you truths you need to hear.

BTW, I'm in a power chair and managed to live on my own with three children. Zoom, zoom, toodle pip!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Some people have input theirs without being an outright cunt, sadly, others haven't!

No one has been an 'outright cunt'. People disagree with you.

Nothing wrong with that.

Yes he chose to be in the army. You chose to have a relationship and child with someone in the army. You knew this all along!

[ImNotAFlower]

I ended a relationship about ten or so years ago with a lovely man because he was in the army and I came to realise that I did not want to live the 'army wife' life.
I truly respect any woman who does it. But I here is the thing, you chose to have a family with this man so something has to give or you cannot be together.
You can't have a real relationship and not live together.
Unless posted away he will come home every night so you wouldn't be alone 5 nights a week?
People have been harsh on here but essentially they are right. You have decisions to make and only you can make them. Good luck!

[harderandharder2breathe]

Yabu

Thousands of women live alone or with a small child. Why wouldn't it be safe?

Your partner is reasonable not to want to get married without you being more committed and living with him

[TheFairyCaravan]

OP, I think you want him to leave the army, don't you?

I think she does too, and I hope that he has someone behind him advising him not to.

DS1 is in the army, I'd be telling him to stay in because in all honesty I can see the lad leaving and moving back home, then something else not being right for her.

[IronDuchess]

I rarely post but feel like I really have to. Honestly, it really doesn't seem like you love him at all. Why on earth would you have a baby with him if you had no intention of living with him!? After all, you knew he was in the army before you got pregnant. I think you have no intention of moving out from your parents and actually never did. Was it that you just wanted a baby? And now you've got your baby you're not interested in him anymore? You seem to be more worried about the fact your parents love living with your baby than the fact your partner is missing out on seeing his daughter full time. Hmmmm.....your priorities don't seem right to me. BTW I have a disability and am in chronic pain and moved half way across the country to be with my DH, as did he. I don't see what having a disability has to do with this issue at all. We compromised! Doesn't seem you'll even do that. Your poor DP and poor baby. You're depriving both of them of being a family unit. How very sad.

[ChimpyChops]

Ok. Have tried to ask questions to understand a bit more but to no avail.

Op, calling people cunts really just makes you as bad as you think they are. You are ignoring people who are asking you questions and making suggestions. I am also of the opinion you should stay with your parents, you wouldn't last five minutes on a married patch with your attitude. Are you never going to make any new friends ever again? Because there are nasty bullies around, I wonder why they are so nasty to you, god knows eh?
I would also prepare yourself for losing your other half, I can't imagine a lifetime of living with his in-laws appeals much, but I am guessing that would be his fault. All could have been avoided with a simple discussion before you had your child.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

Oh OP, I do see your predicament but I think you need to sit down and put the pieces of the puzzle together in your mind. You're absolutely within your rights to say "I want to live here, I want to be near my family and friends, I don't want the extra expense, I want this life - his job be damned!" ...but that does mean he's right when he says you're less committed. You ARE less committed to your relationship than, say, someone who would say "I want to live here, I want this life, but I'm so committed to my relationship that I'm prepared to compromise; to push my own boundaries of what I'm comfortable with in order to try and make this relationship work".

You do not have to do this, and perhaps right now it isn't at a critical point for your partner and he's prepared to wait it out a little longer to see if either you'll waiver, or perhaps his work will change (unlikely I would think)... but it sounds a bit like he's telling you now is crunch time. This is it. He wants to move the relationship forward or... or what, surely that will be it? Is that what you want? Would you be okay with that if that's what he's saying? Time to have the big chat I'm afraid. Big girl pants.

Also, posters asking "didn't you talk about this before you had a baby?", I found that quite an offensive question with an implied superiority. OP, don't answer that. The implication is "wasn't your baby planned?", god forbid anyone get pregnant by accident and keep the baby. Even if that baby WAS planned, it's not for anyone to disapprove after the fact of how prepared or unprepared they feel you were. "Well when I had kids I made sure we had a 6 figure income and that I could read my husband's mind - yes, that's right, we were of course married, just like you should be before you have a baby". Ugh.

[Chinnygirl]

Op, can you just ignore the comments that you believe to be insulting and answer the questions that people have asked you? Some of us are genuinly trying to understand what the problem is here. It must be more complex then just 'I don't want to'. It would be very sad if you break up over this, both for you and for your daughter.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

OP I see your point but also your partner's.I am also disabled and it is clear from some of the comments on here, that some people have no fucking idea at all, how much debilitating pain affects your ability to do much of anything.

Errrrr how do you know what experience of things posters have?.

I have chronic and acute pain. Take more medication than you can shake a stick at and currently waiting my third lot of lengthy spinal surgery!

OP knew what she was getting into. He hasn't suddenly decided he wanted to join the army!