Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

Is there a reason you think you'd feel unsafe? Is it because of your health problems or because you've never lived alone? Or is the feeling unsafe an excuse for the fact that you think he's not committed enough to spending time with you and your DD?
Realistically, I'd think an army base would be a safe place to live. However, if you feel he isn't committed or you aren't happy in the relationship then, of course, you shouldn't remove yourself from family and friends.

I can see your point of view - if you rely on your folks to help with childcare etc, it would seem silly to move away from them, especially if you require assistance due to a disability. However, I suppose that part of being in a serious relationship is setting up a home together. With regards to not knowing anyone, I know lots of ladies that are army wives and they make lots of friends and have lots of support whilst their husbands are away, so you wouldn't necessarily be on your own.

Haven't read everything so someone may have addressed this incorrect idea about paying for a mortgage - you are paying for stability and a home for your family! As for living alone and your views you sound a bit defeatist and cowardly, sorry for those words but reality is you are a mother, in a relationship, unwilling to compromise and living with your parents. He has valid points which you need to maturely assess.

I am so by this thread!

So far we know that op doesn't want to live with army P, with whom she has a one year old DC. She wants to stay living with her parents because she doesn't want to be on her own five nights a week.

But then she says her P is (in effect) a bit of a twat, who doesn't want to spend time with her and their DC even when he can. Why isn't this the reason she doesn't want to move in with him? Because it if was, I would 100% agree with her.

I think maybe op knows deep down the relationship isn't going anywhere and that this man is a bit of an arse. But she doesn't want to admit it so is coming up with all sorts of excuses to do with being near friends, her back pain, etc, so she doesn't have to face the fact that they shouldn't really be together at all.

Anyway, if you're still reading op, why are you so afraid of biting the bullet and just ending it? Doesn't sound like there's any real love or committment, on either side. And as you're already living separately, it wouldn't be such a big change anyway.

Don't really understand why nobody seems to care that this man is apparently a bit of a dick and doesn't want to spend time with his DC, even when he can. Is it because he's in the forces and therefore is some kind of 'hero'?

Women removing themselves from family and friends to live with men is one of the pillars that uphold patriarchy.

I am therefore going to agree with OP out of principle. She should remain with her parents, since that is obviously where she feels safe.

There are many happy couples who don't live together. It is perfectly valid to not want to move in with a partner.

Trust your instincts, OP.

And don't have another baby until you are 100% sure you can trust this guy.

Don't really understand why nobody seems to care that this man is apparently a bit of a dick and doesn't want to spend time with his DC, even when he can. Is it because he's in the forces and therefore is some kind of 'hero'?

Maybe it's because it was a huge drip feed when posters weren't agreeing with OP or maybe it's because he would have to go to PIL. Maybe he never gets anytime alone with dd or OP. Maybe he sees that OP is dictating what is going on and he has no say.

I'd like in this situation to hear his 'side' of what's going on.

Don't really understand why nobody seems to care that this man is apparently a bit of a dick and doesn't want to spend time with his DC, even when he can. Is it because he's in the forces and therefore is some kind of 'hero'?

No. I think if that were true it would have been mentioned in the OP. And you must be really new to MN because the armed forces are in no way seen as heroes on here, quite rightly.

My boyfriend quit his job and moved 200 miles to live with me. He knew no one within 200 miles. But because he wanted to be with me he gave up his job, friends and flat in London.

It doesn't sound like you have that same level of commitment if you think that's unreasonable.

There are many happy couples who don't live together. It is perfectly valid to not want to move in with a partner.

Really you know many people who get married but don't live together?

I am sure for a minority that's true. But that doesn't mean everyone wants that. The Ops dp doesn't want it and so won't propose until they live together. Sounds fair enough to me.

Fairy no I'm not new. But actually I was referring to the way soldiers seem to be held in such high esteem in th real world, not on MN particularly.

Don't really understand why nobody seems to care that this man is apparently a bit of a dick and doesn't want to spend time with his DC, even when he can. Is it because he's in the forces and therefore is some kind of 'hero'?

Well no, its because she didn't mention it to start with and therefore people were telling her to compromise with this man. Then, if it is true that he's an arsehole, people are telling her to end it because the whole relationship sounds frankly shambolic from what we've been given. And none of us know what is true, of course.

BadTasteFlump - the OP didn't mention her P being 'a bit of a twat' until late in the thread, when the responses weren't going her way and after several failed attempts to get responders on side. I suspect there are doubts as to the sincerity, but if genuine, then people also seem to feel that P has been made to feel like a guest in the OP's parents' home, and superfluous as a parent.

Also, it seems like he is the one trying to improve the relationship but the OP is resisting it.

Of course, if he is a test, or otherwise not right for the OP then, as others have said, she should end the relationship.

BadTaste the only people who think soldiers are heroes are the Sun. Soldiers don't think that, nor do most people.

OP - sorry, but this is all very odd indeed.

Do you want to live with your parents as a single mum going forward then? Is this to be your life plan?

Supposing your DH left the army. He could then get a job which took him abroad, or hundreds of miles away - or on night shifts?Presumably this would be an issue too?

Do you think everyone works 9-5 in their local area? Er, no.

My DH used to be in the marines. He left because of the impact on family life. The career path he's taken since still takes him away 2-3 nights a week on average. We have 4 DC and I just make sure I lock up properly. It's never been an issue.

Millions of women are in their houses alone, part- time or full-time for all sorts of reasons.

I have never met a 24 year old mum living with her parents though - sorry.

Either you want to be a family unit or you don't.

If he truly can't be bothered with your daughter then that's another matter. However, I do think it's wrong to speak for a one year old - "she doesn't even like him". Really? Maybe you've never given her the chance?

I see why you want help with your issues, but relationships are all about compromising. My husband worked away for months at a time when our oldest were young. I've never not felt safe.

The thing is bad taste i wonder if the OP's p is an arse or if she's made that up hoping to change our minds. I don't believe he is as she'd have mentioned it earlier.

I think the op sounds very childish. She refuses to compromise. It's not rocket science that army guys don't work 9-5 and they move around and live in married quarters.
Guess you'll call me a cunt too OP as I'm not validating you either.

I certainly wouldn't stay in a house by myself for 5 days a week
Sorry I haven't read the entire thread yet but are you saying that even if you bought a house near your parents you would only sleep there when he was there and the rest of the time you would sleep at your parent's?

I can't understand what your idea of a solution is as you don't want to live in married quarters AND you don't want to get a house around where you live.

So what do you want to do?

The worst thing here, in my opinion, is Op saying that her daughter doesn't like him. The next worst thing is that she's not promoting a relationship between them.

I don't get why you wouldn't feel safe alone in a house with a baby....

relationships are all about compromising
I think the OP is struggling to see where her DP is compromising. His commitment is to the army and then to his friends.

Regardless of whether OP was drip-feeding to change minds or just drip-feeding because she didn't want to face his lack of commitment, is irrelevant really. She's not ready to move and sees her family and friends as her support network not her DP . I think there's faults on both sides if that becomes the dynamic in a relationship.

If she was complaining that her partner isn't proposing to her, then that'd be different. But at the moment, he is the one who is unhappy with the situation. If he wanted to leave her because he's not happy, then I'd be okay with that.

What I am not okay with, however, is pressuring a disabled woman with a young child into leaving her family and friends to move in with a man (or be alone, or waste rent) when she says she doesn't feel comfortable with that.

at this point in time I'm trying to defend myself against nasty insults!

I may of missed something, but only one person has called others cunts. How dare you bleat on about being insulted

Vestal I agree. And I think it would be incredibly foolish to commit to moving into armed forces' housing with someone who is using that as a test of commitment before they will commit to marriage. Legally it would leave OP vulnerable.

I don't get why you wouldn't feel safe alone in a house with a baby....

Having a chronic condition that severely impacts your ability to fight or maybe even care for a baby (I have no idea how bad the pain is and what makes it worse) is a very good reason to not want to be alone.