To want to smack my MIL?

[Crispspsps]

Venturing back in to the wonderful chaos that is AIBU..

I have many in-laws. Widowed and remarried, and long story short I have my mum, no dad, and 6 inilaws (late DH parents split and re-married, and now new DH parents). Most grandparents have accepted our new blended family and love all of our kidS.
New DH parents having a 50th anniversary party in October. They are twats (DH would agree) and are inviting only adults to a "smoked salmon on blinis followed by WTF I can't remember" lunch, but also their 5 grandchildren, of whom only one is blood (the others are steps). The menu for the day is so un-child friendly But the 5 grandchildren must come. So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives, including when their DDIL died.
Actually I have already BU and have emailed MIL saying that if they can't get their smoked salmon caterers to put on a couple of plates of plain food and cucumber slices then we will bring packed lunches to their posh do. In a spiderman lunch box. Let's see how that goes down.

I'm going to go on a limb here and tell you my honest opinion. I don't blame you if you take it or leave it.

You resent your mil because she has "plenty of time and money." All your posts are full of dripping malice in references to your mil's money and lifestyle.

Look, you are still grieving from your husband's death. The pain you feel has nowhere to go...you are spending your time caring for your children, worrying how they are doing emotionally, and caring for your husband, also newly grieving. The pain has to go somewhere, and here are two people, your pils, who seem to not know what pain, worry, grief, thought for others, financial struggle, or work is. Thus, you're taking out your pain and feelings on them, they are perfect for your anger because in the year and a half that you've known them, they haven't been awful, but they haven't supported you in the way you think they should. You couch a lot of your complaining in the guise of being angry at mil on behalf of your husband and children, but a big part of your posts is that you hate that mil has money, no worries, parties and French classes, while you make "sammies" for your kids and listen to your dh complain about his rich mother.

Some day you both will have to come to terms with all this. Otherwise you both will be miserable for years and you'll miss out on the joy of your children being young.

You'll be happier with yourself once you recognize that your mil is not responsible for your grief. You know this, that's why you're conflicted, you know they're not horrible people, your mil is someone to project your pain onto and you are doubly intensely angry that she is seemingly unaware of even your hostility toward her. She is living her life with joy and you can't stand that, you want to smack her. After all, you've suffered and she hasn't and she deserves to suffer.

Your husband will have to come to terms with the fact that he is a grown up now. He's not a little kid who is at the mercy of his parents. Either he should have the guts to go no contact with them (I had to do this with my own inlaws, truly evil, you would not believe), or tell them honestly how he feels about how he's been treated his whole life and see if they will apologize and reconcile fully (I actually did this at the ripe old age of 34 and the persons concerned did indeed apologize and made things right, it was a major relief and joy for me to fully reconcile), or he will have to accept who and what they are and who and what he is and move on. He's chosen to hold them responsible for his hurt still and you've followed suit. Are you both afraid to go no contact in case you won't inherit her wealth? I bet you are seething, having to be civil to someone you despise (for not a great reason in my opinion--there are mils a thousand times worse than yours) so that you won't rock the boat with the inheritance.

You're not happy. I think you'll only be happy when you come to terms with the unfairness of what has happened to you and your family, treat yourself kindly, and treat your mil kindly. Try being happy for your mil and allow her verve for life influence your own thinking...the ironic thing is that I'm sure you are truly a kind and generous and normally happy person yourself, and the injustice and sadness of what's happened to you has made a dark place inside your soul. I feel for you and what you're going through...take heart. In a way your dh is making it worse for you with his complaints. If I were you, I'd tell him it's time to move past recriminations with his parents. Then both of you will be able to move on to happiness. You may even find joy and hospitality and support from your mil once you make peace with yourself. Keep us posted, good luck

My ex mil used to make me feel like you are feeling now. If you turn up reeking of mc Donald's and do a massive plop and forget to flush? Or like I did at the ex mil's wedding anniversary party ... Get off your tits drunk and then throw up all over their blue bathroom carpet. (Ex mil also wanted small people there just to show off that she's a fabuuuuulous grand mudder. Which she ain't. )

LittleBeautyBelle you should consider becoming a grief counsellor. You clearly have it all sewn up. The "pain I have felt" has had plenty of places to go, thank you. I have huge support networks, many online widowed groups, and all kinds of counselling for me and my kids to hand, plus a lot of supportive friends and family. We are doing pretty well 3.5 years into losing my Dh and their father.

This particular MIL is nowhere near my grief. The rest of my family have helped me with that. She is a complacent parent to her son at best (my DH) and her daughter (My SIL, who I get on with well). I have no "dripping malice" in the slightest. My life is full of supportive and loving family and friends. I know you have ended with a bunch of flowers but how dare you tell me what my grief is doing to me. I don't expect any emotional support from them, just a bit of consideration. You have no right to tell me my grief for my beloved DH is coming out in anger to some people who are largely peripheral to my life, but who happened to annoy me yesterday. You have NO FUCKING IDEA. I don't have a "dark place inside my soul". You cannot even begin to tell me what I am thinking. I met my MIL three years into my grieving. She has nothing to do with it. She does bear responsibility for not helping her son though, when she said she would. And for that I am angry. It's not a fucking "guise of being angry on behalf of DH" - he is my DH and has told me all about the awful times that he had, and we talk about all the experiences we had with our other halves dying with a lot of honesty. I had lots of support. He didn't. And being let down by your parents is, for a lot of people, an ultimate let down.

Fuck off with your judgements. Let me know when you think I'll be happy. I'm excited to hear.

Wow littlebelleblue. Just wow. And do fuck off with the flowers. I am rarely shocked at stuff I read in MN but your post takes the biscuit.

My kids would go crazy for smoked salmon

You know what, you're right. I reread my post and it was terrible. I'm sorry, Op. If you still grieving as I said in my post, you certainly didn't need my lecturing. Please forgive me! I was truly a jerk and I'm sorry.

Oh come on.
LittleBeautyBelle has provided one of the funniest posts I've ever seen.

It should stand somewhere forever as a shining example of the psycho-babble, armchair-psychiatrist, bollocks found almost daily on Aibu and in relationships.

The flowers at the end were a particularly nice touch.

Asshat

Thank you Little. The grieving never really stops but it gets easier to deal with. Thank you for your apology. Lots of respect for you posting it. Hoping this thread will just trail off now, but appreciate the supportive comments.

Look, you should get this moved to relationships where people will kiss your arse and mock her canapés. You clearly are going to be cryptic and expect us to infer all the evil about them (I still don't see anything truly horrific) and you've repeated 100 times how you have multiple other parental figures.

Are they Tories? Did they vote leave? Do they order well done steak? Refuse to RSVP for playdates ? Feel free to add all the relevant details to get the appropriate reaction

And another one spitting venom. A11

Blimey didn't t realise there were so many pages to this thread!

I think there is a point being made, perhaps harshly. It is possible for the OP to be grief stricken and unreasonable about the MIL in THIS instance, all at once.
The OP has said repeatedly she doesn't really have a relationship with MIL- her opinions are mainly based on DH's complex relationship with them. MIL/FIL are a bit distant with regard to her children but they did invite to the party, send her a menu and have indeed offered to speak to the caterer about altering it.

If some of the underhand classist comments about theatre/concerts/French were the other way around to imply that MIL was 'working class' the OP would have been torn to shreds no matter her grief. It is indeed clear that the in laws are wealthy, comfortable, lead possibly emotionally limited lives in which they aren't fussed about their grandchildren. But other than that one instance/comment to DH I am not entirely sure WHAT they have done. I know sometimes these things are hard to explain but at the same time we are expected to actively dislike a woman and pour scorn on her, based on not much else because the OP says she is horrible. (And provides examples albeit one where she hasn't been that horrible). Lots of people have awful MILs and I fear the thread is full of projection from both ends.

My MIL who is beyond lovely said something deeply hurtful to me when I had a miscarriage. I could whip up half of MN based on it. She comes and stays with us for 3 months at a time, says odd things and implied it was a 'good' thing I lost the baby. What that would hide is that

1. She stays for long because she comes from another continent and British visas are so expensive. She then comes and looks after us tirelessly despite me telling her to chill out.
2. That despite being bonkers she has a well meaning heart and soul.
3. That her comment came from a place of sympathy since she has lost many babies herself.

I understand that CLEARLY OP's situation is not similar but I am using this to demonstrate that on an anonymous forum we can tell a story how we like. After my miscarriage I was in the depths of grief that I had never been and hated her for some of the stuff. Amd I cannot therefore fathom the depths of OP's grief which would be far greater than mine (and that of her children) but the rage against a slightly distant MIL seems disproportionate.

As a kid I would have loved those blinis!

My daughter loves pasta. She'd eat blini with just about everything bar smoked salmon or other fish. She wouldn't eat chips what counts as the cliche kids menu but would eat spaghetti or ravioli with butternut squash or whatever fillings. I don't think your kids are fussy. Judging by your PIL's reaction to your DH's late wife death they are completely insensitive morons.
I'd honestly expect them to cater to children's tastes too if they invite them. And I hate parading children around like a pair of horses. I refused to drag my daughter 4 hours in a hot summer by bus recently because my father ordered it just so he could parade her around the village where he lives.