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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to smack my MIL?

166 replies

Crispspsps · 13/09/2016 22:23

Venturing back in to the wonderful chaos that is AIBU..

I have many in-laws. Widowed and remarried, and long story short I have my mum, no dad, and 6 inilaws (late DH parents split and re-married, and now new DH parents). Most grandparents have accepted our new blended family and love all of our kidS.
New DH parents having a 50th anniversary party in October. They are twats (DH would agree) and are inviting only adults to a "smoked salmon on blinis followed by WTF I can't remember" lunch, but also their 5 grandchildren, of whom only one is blood (the others are steps). The menu for the day is so un-child friendly But the 5 grandchildren must come. So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives, including when their DDIL died.
Actually I have already BU and have emailed MIL saying that if they can't get their smoked salmon caterers to put on a couple of plates of plain food and cucumber slices then we will bring packed lunches to their posh do. In a spiderman lunch box. Let's see how that goes down.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 14/09/2016 04:03

Just because your children are fussy eaters, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the menu. Do you always expect every function to serve exactly what it is that your child will actually eat? Just take some snacks of your own, or stop at Maccas on the way home like everyone else in the world does if they get served a meal that is not to their taste.

Sirzy · 14/09/2016 04:21

So she did let you know the menus and give you the option to provide the food. Surely if they are as fussy as you say that is a better option for everyone so you know they will eat. Why make a song and dance about it?

3littlebadgers · 14/09/2016 04:27

Ok just a thought, any chance mil could be undiagnosed AS? You said yourself that she hadn't done anything bad, but is just emotionally unavailable. Maybe she really can't grasp, or struggles grasping other people's emotions.

Normally a mother would want to be there to support her son while his wife dies. The fact that she struggled to make that connection about his emotional needs needing to take precedence over her routine, would suggest to me that there is more going on.

One of your dc has SN making him hard to negotiate with, maybe it is the same for her, but she was brought up in a time when diagnosis wasn't available. Imagine how sad it would be for DC to go through life surrounded by anger because no one understood the reason s/he needed things a certain way.

YANBU for feeling frustrated with her, because feelings are what they are, but it what we do with those feelings that makes us unreasonable or not.

Trifleorbust · 14/09/2016 05:40

If your kids are fussy eaters - not a crime - then that is your problem. You can't blame your MIL, although I'm sure she has her faults.

Only1scoop · 14/09/2016 06:05

Agree with Purple....

Also, She already sent you menu incase you wanted to bring an alternative for your DC.

Loads of history here, I'd just turn up for a couple of hours and then breathe a sigh of relief and go home

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2016 06:19

I think it's the whole outlook of these people you find annoying. Especially mil. However, if your fil isn't standing up to her, he is Imo equally responsible. I say this from experience. Being a mum of an 8 yr old, who won't eat a variety of foods including fish and potatoes, I do appreciate fully what you are saying.

It would have been nice to have been considered. However, judging by how they and especially mil has been in many situations, this shouldn't come as a surprise. YANBU to bring a Spider-Man lunchbox. They aren't considering you and your family so you are doing it in their stead. Smile sweetly, continue with minimal contact. Bring some toys and games. If the party is really awful after an hour, make your excuses and leave perhaps?

RestlessTraveller · 14/09/2016 06:30

I'm sorry but you sound a bit like you the the whole should revolve around your kids. She told you what was being served so you could plan to bring your own if needed. I don't see the problem.

Heebiejeebie · 14/09/2016 06:32

Your MIL has invited your whole family to a party, asked you to check the menu is suitable for your children and said that she'll speak to the caterers. She also goes to concerts. What a monster!

RunnyRattata · 14/09/2016 06:40

She sent you the menu and offered you the chance to bring food your DC will enjoy. That seems utte

RunnyRattata · 14/09/2016 06:42

Sorry
Utterly reasonable to me. It sounds as if you might not get on because you're too alike.

mouldycheesefan · 14/09/2016 06:46

They sound horrific.
But I wouldn't pick a fight over smoked salmon. Surely the kids csn leave the blinis if they don't like them. I think you have to pick your battles and the blini battle isn't worth fighting. Hate to say it but it is quite rude on your part to demand alternativefor the kids. Would you do that to anyone else but horrid MIL? Can understand they are dreadful but don't stoop to their level.

wannabestressfree · 14/09/2016 06:50

These threads always make me chuckle....
Op presents situation (which isn't that bad)
Given multiple solutions
Ignores or says 'oh I couldn't do that' to all of them.
Just take food, let her show them off, leave and go to Burger King.
It's not that bad.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/09/2016 06:51

They live in a slightly odd little world of concerts and theatre and never phone us no matter what is going on

How dare they have interests beyond your children. Oh and being interested in the performing arts is not odd in the slightest.

Yes, we will go and smile and meet a bunch of people we don't know who will exclaim that the DCs are gorgeous but not know or want to learn their names

Newsflaah-other people's children are not particularly interesting. If I were one of the guests as a friend of your parents in law I would have zero interest in your children.

You really do think the world revolves round you and them.

ToffeeForEveryone · 14/09/2016 07:00

Sorry OP, sounds like you are making an issue here where there really isn't one because you really don't like your PIL - which is likely with good reason, given your story about when your DH was widowed, but really there's not much that could be rage inducing here.

Your MIL gave you a heads up about the menu because she knows it might not be suitable for the kids, and if they can't eat what's on offer, it is your/DH's responsibility to sort their food.

Whocansay · 14/09/2016 07:16

I probably wouldn't go at all in this situation, but as you still want to, just take the lunch box. After all, who doesn't love Spiderman?

There is clearly a MASSIVE back story here. Vent away, OP!

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/09/2016 07:20

I'm a bit non plusses by some if the responses
The parents here have shown a deep lack of compassion and support for their son
The have been disinterested and unsupportive of their grandchildren
They are now having a lovely party to celebrate something about themselves and it's an adult party for them and their friends
The would like their grandchildren wheeled out as evidence of their wonderfulness..the OP is annoyed because they haven't earned it..the grandchildren are lovely inspite of, not because of them
Their actual disinterest is clear because they didn't actually think about the children eating except as an afterthought..
It's not the salmon bilinis ...it's that they are using their grandchildren as a trophy they haven't earned..

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2016 07:21

I think some of these messages are really unkind. LassWi. OP isn't saying the world revolves around her. Really [Runny] they sound alike? Ops mil sounds bizarre. Op doesn't.

I really annoys me when people extrapolate certain aspects to prove a point. Op has said how disconnected the in laws were when their SONS WIFE DIED. That alone tells us they are a bit strange to be polite.

Griphook · 14/09/2016 07:23

I think you're getting a hard time on here. To me it sounds like it's nothing to do with the food or the events but they fact that they don't really show an interest in their gc, yet now it suits them they want to parade then giving their friends a false impression of what wonderful grandparents they are.
Yanbu by the way

Original poster
Crispspsps · 14/09/2016 07:29

Thank you 665. You've summed it up way better than my clumsy attempts.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/09/2016 07:31

OP isn't saying the world revolves around her. Really [Runny] they sound alike? Ops mil sounds bizarre.

OP seems inordinately disgruntled the parents in law find things other than the OP's children interesting. She lost me with her comment about theatres and concerts.

user1471734618 · 14/09/2016 07:31

Maybe you think that they regard the grandchildren a bit like performing monkeys when they have a 'do' but are not interested the rest of the time?
They do sound a bit odd.
Just go along, eat some blinis, make your excuses and leave ....

diddl · 14/09/2016 07:32

There doesn't seem to be an issue to me over this particular event.

It's up to your husband how he is with them after how badly they treated him.

Why do you allow your children to be wheeled out & shown off though?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/09/2016 07:35

Yes, we will go and smile and meet a bunch of people we don't know who will exclaim that the DCs are gorgeous but not know or want to learn their names

Why should the other guests, other than paying a superficial comment, have any interest in her children? It's her parents in law's special anniversary , not her children's.

Pagwatch · 14/09/2016 07:40

How long will you have to spend there Crispspsps?

I sympathise. My in laws really don't give a shit about their grandchildren. They met my daughter on her 11th birthday in spite of only living 20 minutes away. There is obviously a back story but the just of it is the same - totally uninterested in us or our children and then utterly nuclear in their response if questioned .

we are used to their disinterest. It's how they are. It's fine. But it's when we bump into them and they say things like 'we talk about ds 2 all the time' yet don't call him, come see him, send him an email or birthday card...

Just go for the minimum time. It won't hurt .

Ditsy4 · 14/09/2016 07:42

Rant away
So the problem is you really don't want to go.
Either don't go Sand D excuse or go and mix with lots of other people don't spend much time in in laws company and spill something over one of the family and have to go early.
What does DH want to do?
Did sound awful about his 1st wife how sad for him. Then artsy behaviour from parents unless it was a shock reaction from then but sounds like there is more.
If he wants to go then do so but spend most of the time with other people or help in the kitchen Grin