Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to smack my MIL?

166 replies

Crispspsps · 13/09/2016 22:23

Venturing back in to the wonderful chaos that is AIBU..

I have many in-laws. Widowed and remarried, and long story short I have my mum, no dad, and 6 inilaws (late DH parents split and re-married, and now new DH parents). Most grandparents have accepted our new blended family and love all of our kidS.
New DH parents having a 50th anniversary party in October. They are twats (DH would agree) and are inviting only adults to a "smoked salmon on blinis followed by WTF I can't remember" lunch, but also their 5 grandchildren, of whom only one is blood (the others are steps). The menu for the day is so un-child friendly But the 5 grandchildren must come. So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives, including when their DDIL died.
Actually I have already BU and have emailed MIL saying that if they can't get their smoked salmon caterers to put on a couple of plates of plain food and cucumber slices then we will bring packed lunches to their posh do. In a spiderman lunch box. Let's see how that goes down.

OP posts:
totalrecall1 · 14/09/2016 07:42

It's their 50th Anniversary and that want all their family there. That is not wheeling out GC and showing them off, it's involving them in a celebration. Whilst perhaps in the past the PIL may have been unreasonable, I don't at all see what the issue is with this. Just bring your own food for the younger ones. You are really making a mountain out of a molehill

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/09/2016 07:47

Total if they want "family" there..great.. define family though..

derxa · 14/09/2016 07:51

but things like starting school or something big in the kids' lives gets fully ignored. I never understand this big fuss over children starting school. The less fuss the better.

RunnyRattata · 14/09/2016 07:53

Yes really.
I think there is more than a touch of truth in the idea that men marry their mothers. It sounds tp me as if OP is happier hating her MIL than trying to accept how they are (which is not the same as enabling it). I have a MIL who couldn't give a flying fuck about her grandkids and likes to be the centre of attention. I decided long ago that it's her shit not mine and the only sensible thing is not to let it bother me. I can't change her so it's only my blood pressure that suffers.
I also recognised that in some ways we are alike and that was a real eye opener and a chance to change for the better.
So yes. Really.

ample · 14/09/2016 07:54

No doubt there will be issues in future for you to rant about, OP. Some relatives have form.
Children can make family celebrations even more wonderful imo and they don't always conform to party rules Grin
A packed lunch for children sounds lovely to me. Bit of fun for them all (depending on age) and the smoked salmon blinis are there if they want to try them.
Take along a picnic blanket or two and you're sorted.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 14/09/2016 07:54

What cow your MIL is.

Insisting on smoked salmon and sauce for her big party. Hmm

Would I be U to expect OP to have penned a post saying" I want to smack MIL who didn't bother inviting my DCs to her party?" were the DCs actually not invited?

shovetheholly · 14/09/2016 07:56

It sounds like you have in laws who are totally socially tone deaf. Some people are just like that. They lack both sympathy and empathy, and as a result they have no social skills because they are missing a piece of emotional make up that leaves them trapped at the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old.

I think recognising this is step one. The second step is being able to set very clear boundaries and to compromise. Go to their do to be supportive, but go after the food for an hour or so (explaining that the kids can't eat what they are offering), or just for dessert. If they sulk and tantrum, let them - just keep on repeating your line which is 'We very much want to share your special occasion, but we have to consider the needs of our two very small children, who will not have the taste or the attention span to appreciate your very grown-up do'.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/09/2016 07:57

Op, consider asking to have this moved to relationships ?

CatNip2 · 14/09/2016 07:57

If it were me, I would moan and bitch at home, eat a large lunch or dinner before I went and turn up for a token couple of hours then go home and moan and bitch some more, wake up he next day and pretnd it never happened.

If you have no expectations you won't be disappointed.

AbyssinianBanana · 14/09/2016 08:04

Right so the PILs are shite parents to your DH. On this occasion, MIL emails you the menu knowing you have fussy eaters and suggests you may wish to bring along food you know they'll eat, should you think they won't eat what is on offer.

And you demand she instead spends more ££ with the caterers and the caters provide specif food for the fussy eaters.

There may be a huge back story and you're fed up, but this time you are the one who is completely unreasonable and difficult.

Your MIL is actually trying to accommodate the children. She could've said nothing and let you deal with hungry, whinging children at her party and criticised your and DH parenting to the other guests for raising fussy eaters. But she's isn't. She's trying.

irelephant · 14/09/2016 08:04

I love my current mil she's fab.

Ex-mil sold my dead child's clothes to go on a piss up in Blackpool.

YWBU to smack her you'll just get a police record/give her ammunition.

Costacoffeeplease · 14/09/2016 08:07

*It sounds like they did think about the DCs when they emailed you the menu to check whether it was suitable for the little ones or whether you needed to bring anything else.

Sounds like she does care and is trying to sort something out food wise. If she can't then easy enough to bring stuff.

Not sure why you are offended by the 'little ones' comment - sounds a bit nicer than what she really meant 'the fussy ones'.*

They may have been complete twats in the past, which is obviously colouring your view, but on this particular occasion I don't think it deserves all this angst

They've sent you the menu (their party, their choice) so you can bring alternatives if you want, and is going to contact the caterers - all perfectly fine

If their guests don't wish to know your kids' names - so bloody what?

Mountain meet molehill - go, or don't go, the world will still revolve on Monday

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2016 08:13

665 they haven't earned them? Is there a system or something that ensures children go to a party? 10 minute party time for every hour spent together?

MIL sent us a letter with the menu so that we could "check whether we needed to bring anything for the little ones"

So, she is making an effort to ensure there's something for them. You're offended that she called them little ones?

I'll be honest: they really don't sound that bad.

This comes across as introverted snobbery. Are you poorer than them? Lower class?

Amandahugandkisses · 14/09/2016 08:19

From what you've said on here I'm baffled as to why you're so cross with them.

You either accept the situation or go no contact if you hate them so much. All else is madness.

Original poster
Crispspsps · 14/09/2016 08:19

How do I do that 665?

OP posts:
Heebiejeebie · 14/09/2016 08:27

They could have killed and eaten your kitten but it still doesn't make it wrong to invite your children to a party, order smoked salmon and go to concerts. It's like you're seeing everything through a really ugly lens.

MLGs · 14/09/2016 08:29

Actually if she sent you the message saying "this is the menu. Check if you want to bring anything for little ones" that sounds fine.

Quite considerate in fact.

My little one is fussy but id be just thinking he could eat the bread rolls (or whatever) and they'd be bound to be potatoes in their somewhere. A packet of something plain in your bag and you're sorted.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/09/2016 08:35

You press the report post button on any post on the thread, and then in the message box say you want it moved ( blue dots if you are on a tablet or phone)

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/09/2016 08:41

Heebiejeebie Grin quality advice there !

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2016 09:54

I agree with Walter, this really is coming across as inverted snobbery.

Also, you've mentioned they'll be parading their grandchildren round a couple of times now - adding that they'll say the DCs are gorgeous but not know or want to learn their names".

Why on God's earth would they want to learn their names? I couldn't tell you what half of my friend's grandchildren's names are, and I've no need to know either Confused

It's just an anniversary party. All this talk of 'parading' and the fuss made over a few bloody canapés, actually makes you sound like the difficult one here imo.

You clearly don't like them and it's obvious you have a problem with their lifestyle, how they choose to socialise and what they choose to eat.

'Inverted snobbery' is spot on.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2016 09:55

*Adding that their guests will not know or want to learn the DC's names.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2016 10:02

Oh God! INVERTED not bloody introverted! Blush

MLGs · 14/09/2016 10:04

My DD would bloody love to be paraded if that helps. But she is one of nature's attention seekers.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2016 10:10

Haha! I didn't even notice that Walter Grin

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2016 10:20

I'm just glad you agreed with me Worra, so I could notice it! Wink