To want to smack my MIL?

[Crispspsps]

Venturing back in to the wonderful chaos that is AIBU..

I have many in-laws. Widowed and remarried, and long story short I have my mum, no dad, and 6 inilaws (late DH parents split and re-married, and now new DH parents). Most grandparents have accepted our new blended family and love all of our kidS.
New DH parents having a 50th anniversary party in October. They are twats (DH would agree) and are inviting only adults to a "smoked salmon on blinis followed by WTF I can't remember" lunch, but also their 5 grandchildren, of whom only one is blood (the others are steps). The menu for the day is so un-child friendly But the 5 grandchildren must come. So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives, including when their DDIL died.
Actually I have already BU and have emailed MIL saying that if they can't get their smoked salmon caterers to put on a couple of plates of plain food and cucumber slices then we will bring packed lunches to their posh do. In a spiderman lunch box. Let's see how that goes down.

You lost the moral highround by saying if they don't amend their menu you are going to take matters into your own hands.

If there is a lot more to it you should have structured your arguments in advance.

I suspect I would more or less buy into what you are trying to achieve but all I can hear is rant, rant, rant.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

Totally agree with York. You don't have to be a peace keeper and y don't have to go. It's beyond wanting to smack your MIL. You shouldn't play a part in their self centred egotistical celebration. This is precisely what they want you to do so just don't!

I'm still a bit confused about the food though because smoked salmon blinis are canapés, aren't they?

Therefore, they can't be the only canapés on offer. There may be others (both sweet and savoury) that the kids would like.

But ultimately, it's their 50th wedding anniversary and I do suspect if the kids hadn't have been invited, you would be (rightly) upset about that too.

What I don't get is if your DH has had so many issues and years of counselling because of them why doesn't he stand up to them now and say something? Surely it's his role and if they are as bad as you say they are - and they appear to have been forever towards your DH then quit the egg shell walking and tell them to Fuck Off!! What's stopping you? Or rather what is stopping HIM given that they are his family and his issues?

They sound grim, but many children would love that food. I know it's not the point.
A dear friend of mine was expected to take her 4dcs under five for pre Sunday lunch drinks with the in laws and friends- and the bugger off!

I don't get why this is all aimed at the MIL, when the OP states throughout that the PILS are the problem.

Good point Worra

All I know for sure is that you despise your mil. I mean truly despise and hate her with every ounce of your being. You say she neglects your children and doesn't bother with them unless she has a party for herself and wants to show them off to her friends. You've given us one example of her being insensitive and that was when your dh's wife was dying, he called his mother and she said she would come but only after her conversational French class. Ok. What else specific examples do you have?

I sense an underlying hatred from you toward mil that involves something beyond what you've written so far. What is it really that she's done to you? You tell us you hate her on your children and your dh's behalf, but she's done something to you, must have, to elicit this extreme hostility. What is it?

About the canapés, your kids will survive a 2 hour party with salmon blinis. There will be other stuff there they could have. Or they can eat beforehand and eat afterward. Generally at a party someone else is giving, you accept that they decide the food and you don't send word that you're giving them an ultimatum on the menu. Good grief. Sorry, I am trying to sympathize with you, I have good reason to stay far away from my own mil, but you need to give us more information.

Sorry for your losses.
I'd recommend a sudden outbreak of d&v.

Since when has any child not liked smoked salmon?

If it helps I also detest my MIL with a passion, too many examples of her shit manipulative behaviour to mention, but I did come to the realisation that she wouldn't have been able to cause the amount of problems she had if her son had actually stood up to her.

op if u both dont even like them why are u going

dont give them what they want just dont go

Just say no thanks - then tell them you are going no contact. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for anyone. Life is too short for all that crap - focus on your family and in the words of Elsa - let it go!

Bertrand I gave one child that loves smoked salmon and one that hates it. I'm not overly keen on it myself and only eat it out of politeness.

Children have different preferences - just like adults.

Food aside OP ok PILs are dreadful. Get dressed nicely, go with good grace for as little time as you can get away with.

It's part of family life I'm afraid.

Amelia didn't the OP say that her husband had years of therapy because of them or did I dream that? Doesn't sound like a healthy family life worth pursuing to me if so!!

Smoked salmon blinis are not normal food for my kids

That is your problem, not your parents in law's.

Talk to DH and decide if any of you actually want to go. Can you go and leave the kids and just say that you don't think it's suitable?
If je's in therapy cos of them it's unreasonable of pp's to expect him to suddenly stand up to them so maybe a quiet retreat is better. Tbey sound emptionally stilted and i'm not suprised you dislike them.

As for kids should eat what they're given / exactly what the adults do posts, if only. I'd feed them before and offer pizza afterwards as a reward

Purple I completely agree it doesn't sound healthy but assuming her DH doesn't want to go NC with his parents then sometimes you have to just grit your teeth and be supportive.

The OP hasn't said that the PILs are actively unkind to the DC, which would change my view.

I wouldn't take the kids - simple

If she can't be bothered to be present in their lives and take an interest in getting to know them then she's sure as hell not going to get to show them off to her friends like a bloody fashion accessory!

End of story.

OK, smack was U. We tend to toe the party line because frankly, it's easier than a full on confrontation. They just wouldn't get it. They live in a slightly odd little world of concerts and theatre and never phone us no matter what is going on. When we see them they are full of "our wonderful grandchildren" but things like starting school or something big in the kids' lives gets fully ignored.

Yes I have singled out MIL because I think FIL has a slight bit more emotional intelligence, but is just so used to letting her get on with it.

Two of our three kids are fussy eaters. Sorry, but they are. I know that's a whole topic in itself and likely to get me in trouble but DSD(?) was way worse when I first met her than now and they have known this for years, and DS2 is SN and hard to negotiate with.

Smoked salmon aside, the rest of the menu is very "adult" for our two youngest DCs. Everything in sauce, etc. MIL sent us a letter with the menu so that we could "check whether we needed to bring anything for the little ones" (who are 4 and 9, hardly babies). They are spending quite a lot of money on this party, and can't ask the caterers to sort something more simple for two out of their 5 DGCs, the only kids coming?

DH's counselling lead to the conclusion that he can't change them and so needs to accept them or walk away. It's not a case of "standing up to them" - they aren't destructive or evil or anything, just emotionally incompetent. On a daily basis they are hardly present in our lives and that's fine. We have together chosen not to cut them out as they are, after all, family, but we don't expect anything from them. Which of course counters my OP. But I'm just narked that they have been planning this party to the very last detail for over a year and didn't think about the DCs.

Yes, we will go and smile and meet a bunch of people we don't know who will exclaim that the DCs are gorgeous but not know or want to learn their names. We'll suck it up. I'm just having a whinge because it wouldn't have taken much for them to make it just a bit easier for us.

Latest: MIL contacting caterers to "see what they can do". Past caring. Spiderman lunch box is coming anyway. It'll probably clash with the decor, but hey

Crisps nothing wrong with having a whinge. I'm sure that the other guests will be interested in your DC. My parents and my PILs both would be interested in them and talk to them if given the opportunity and they are in a similar age group - it might not be as bad as you think.

No one is going to worry about you bringing snacks for the kids. It's pretty common at weddings and similar events. If possible feed them before hand.

You seem weirdly opposed to things that aren't that strange. Concerts! Theatre! Smoked salmon! French!

They sound a bit pretentious but that's their business. Do they have to eat chips and drink lager to make you happy?

Wait, I may be wrong but is there a class difference here? Maybe they are a bit stiff upper lip/emotionally unavailable and more focused on "material things" in your mind when you think they should be babysitting every week.

Your blended family is super warm and connected and you feel really put out that they won't drop their Tibetan breathing class to come and live in your messy reality.

I would say the serenity prayer and let it go.

Meh. None of that sounds particularly awful. We go to the odd family event where we catch up with family members/friends we hardly see but I choose to enjoy the occasion for what it is - a few hours/a day of catching up with family/friends, being pleasant, enjoying the food. I'm not sulking and figuring out how to punish anyone for their lack of appropriate attention given to my precious children. My children are the centre of my world but I'm able to recognise that they are not the centre of THE world. lol. From your post, your PILs are pleasant to you and your children, they just don't fawn as you would like. Why on earth should they cater to a few children anyway? Would that mean they love them sufficiently in your book? Suck up your weird perceptions and go, or don't go. No need to make a huge drama over someone else celebration.

It sounds like they did think about the DCs when they emailed you the menu to check whether it was suitable for the little ones or whether you needed to bring anything else.

Sounds like she does care and is trying to sort something out food wise. If she can't then easy enough to bring stuff.

Not sure why you are offended by the 'little ones' comment - sounds a bit nicer than what she really meant 'the fussy ones'.

Of course a grown up party will be a ball ache for kids - if they have to go then bring them stuff to do and leave as quickly as possible.