To want to smack my MIL?

[Crispspsps]

Venturing back in to the wonderful chaos that is AIBU..

I have many in-laws. Widowed and remarried, and long story short I have my mum, no dad, and 6 inilaws (late DH parents split and re-married, and now new DH parents). Most grandparents have accepted our new blended family and love all of our kidS.
New DH parents having a 50th anniversary party in October. They are twats (DH would agree) and are inviting only adults to a "smoked salmon on blinis followed by WTF I can't remember" lunch, but also their 5 grandchildren, of whom only one is blood (the others are steps). The menu for the day is so un-child friendly But the 5 grandchildren must come. So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives, including when their DDIL died.
Actually I have already BU and have emailed MIL saying that if they can't get their smoked salmon caterers to put on a couple of plates of plain food and cucumber slices then we will bring packed lunches to their posh do. In a spiderman lunch box. Let's see how that goes down.

Betrand and Dextra I'm actually quite offended you think I'm a "mannerless oaf". I have impeccable manners. So much so that rather decline an invitation than go with a face like a slapped backside and intentionally do something to piss the host off (Spider-Man lunch box). I wouldn't dream of it!

Also. If you read my post I was rather supporting the view that I don't see what the MIL has done wrong.

I am waiting for the MIL's post.

I am having a big family party but whatever I do is not good enough for my DIL. I treat all the children of the family the same whether they ar GC or SGC. As she always turns my nose up at what I serve I thought it might be a good deal to send the menu with the invite so that she knows what is on the menu and will be able to bring some snacks to keep the kids going until the main meal as I appreciate the capes might not be to their choice as she only ever serves them fish fingers or sausages.

Whatever I do is wrong in my son's eyes. When his wife died we offered to go straight there but he needed some time to himself and with his children so I said we'd pop round later after our french class. Apparently that was wrong too.

I am sure there are some things MIL may have done in the past that may be annoying but to start a thread merely because your own little darlings don't eat normal food is a weird way to go!

canapes not capes!

Sorry, I am confused about how long you have been with your husband. You say only one of your children is a true blood relative of your PILS. This I think is your step daughter. The other children are presumably yours with another partner? As the youngest is only four years old, you cannot have been with your new husband for long?
If they are your children from a previous relationship it might be a bit much to expect your PILS to check up on how they are getting on at school this term.
Your PILS have not distinguished between their step grandchildren and their blood grandchild. Good for them! Try and give them credit for good things rather than hating the for things that happened before you met them.
You don't sound very nice 😊

FFS hereIam "Whatever I do is wrong in my son's eyes. When his wife died we offered to go straight there but he needed some time to himself and with his children so I said we'd pop round later after our french class. Apparently that was wrong too."

What a piece of bloody fiction!! They said they would go and visit their dying DIL after ther French class. And anyway, who still goes to a French class when their son's wife is dying .

For clarity, the OPs DH died leaving two children. Her DH's wife died leaving one child. They are now married and the DC are aged 4, 9 and 10. The PIL in question are her DH's parents.

This is clearly nothing to do with the smoked salmon and everything to do with not being at all engaged in the lives of your DS and DGD until you want to wheel them out to your friends to show them off.

OP has also stated that her DH has been in therapy to deal with their emotional detachment. Goodness, can some of you not see there is a backstory here?

OP, there is a thread on here called "but we took you to stately homes" or similar. Your DH may want to take a look.

I don't think you are right. There are5 grandchildren of whom only one is a blood relative of the PILS. I think the only blood relative is the step daughter. It doesn't sound as if the OP and her new husband have any children together so as the youngest child is only 4 years old they cannot have been together long. 😊

You've just had enough of emotional fuckwittery, it does grind you down.

I totally get the "accept or walk away" thing from your DH's counselling. They aren't deliberately bad people, just what used to be called "a bit thoughtless". So you've decided not to walk away. Which is fine.

I'd suggest that the refinement of your position you need is called "small doses". You need to work out how much contact you can take with them without it all adding up to an explosion over time. And stick to that.

But whilst you are in overload, please rant away and blow off some steam. Venting will make you feel better and it'll give you an indication of how much you need to turn the dial down on contact so you don't get back to that point.

I find that when you continue with relationships that are not working then every interaction is scrutinised and faults founds that would not even been considered with people you want in your life. if you like the people inviting you salmon would not be a problem.

I think the op has, quite rightly, left the thread. There has been some very unsympathetic advice on here including what I think may be my all time favourite:
They could have killed and eaten your kitten but it still doesn't make it wrong to invite your children to a party,

I just hope she doesn’t take it all very seriously.....Mmmmm kitten canapés anyone ?

Yes the Ops step daughter is the PIL's only blood grand daughter. Her and her DH do not have DC together. Her DS's father died when her Youngest was 6 months. The other two children are the step children of her DHs sibling.

Thanks 665, she is ok but probably not coming back to thread. I did warn her to stay away from AIBU!

For the record I have met the PIL. Cold as fish.

I was going to leave, but there have been some v understanding replies in amongst all this - thank you.

In venting I didn't give the full backstory, but the key bit was "So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives". I don't really care about the menu - DCs are hardly going to starve. It's just one more example in a long history of them being completely unable to deal with anything that isn't nice and rosy and middle class and pleasant and doesn't involve any emotion or actual commitment to anything important.

mrsmuddlepies - twofalls is correct. If it makes a difference, we have been married 6 months, together a year before that. My DS2 was 7months when my DH died, DS1 was 7. DSD was also 7 when her mother died. I wouldn't have got by without the amazing support of my mother, and my late DH's parents and step-parents (yes, I have 3 MILs, and two of them are fab). I'm very lucky.

DH desperately needed support when his DW was dying, and despite them living 5 mins away (where they moved to from abroad to "help" once the cancer was terminal) they did nothing, and appeared to be a bit put out whenever a cancer-related incident interrupted their plans for the week. After a late night ambulance for internal bleeding DH asked if they would come over if it happened again so that he didn't have to wake DD and take her to the hospital. The response? "Hmm, well I suppose if it's a real emergency" That's just one example.

The Spiderman lunch box is making me laugh now - I have no idea if they like Spiderman or not. But they are so much about appearances. This party has been planned in so much detail for almost a year - we've heard all about the guests, the flowers, the venue, the wine, the hotels the guests are staying in, the display of the wedding photos, the music etc etc. They have plenty of time and plenty of money. How hard would it have been to think of providing some sarnies for their DGC? DSD has always been a picky eater. Fair enough that they might not have known that about my DS, but they did about her.

They are not horrible people, and I don't hate them at all. Babarity said it well - the emotional fuckwittery grinds you down. And so I ranted about smoked salmon blinis and Spiderman lunch boxes in a moment of exasperation.

I think by "unsympathetic advice" ypu mean advice which didn't cast the parents in law as the villains of the piece.

From my point of view the aggressive tone of the opening post (" smack my mil");
the ire directed at mother in law , not father in law;
the frankly ridiculous assertion that going to concerts and the theatre is odd; and
the taking umbrage that at a very special anniversary for the in-laws the OP's children might have to play second fiddle didn't exactly help me in concluding the OP was being reasonable.

You have obviously all been through the mill Op.

Nice you came back

I hope I'm not speaking out of tern here, I feel as if it was a vent of 'life's not all a bed of bloody roses, crudités and theatre for some of us' when you've both had much to deal with previous to your short relationship....

Maybe you find it almost all a bit silly and showy when life to you is about far more emotive and wholesome actions.

Go be polite and glad you have other lovely Pil's that are nurturing.

What would you have liked them to do about their golden wedding? Held a party in soft play with sausage and chips and a bouncer who only let people if able to name each of your children?

Or do you wish they hadn't invited you? Since you are in contact with them then I find it difficult to understand why they shouldn't invite you to a party in the way that they have done. Obviously your real upset is about all the other stuff, but the vent about the party really doesn't sound reasonable.

Derxa why the ?

Heebie, I am sure if the PIL were supportive and engaged there would be no problem with the anniversary party as it stands - smoked salmon blini and all. If they had enquired how their DGD first day in a new school went, for example. If they were the type of people to say "of course call us if your DW gets admitted to hospital in the middle of the night to save waking a 7 year old child. If they were prepared to forgo a French class in order to support their DS in the worst of times.

Not sure why that is so difficult to understand.

So you are a real life friend two falls? I thought this was supposed to be an anonymous forum?
As someone said up thread - don't moan in advance. Go first and moan afterwards. You might be pleasantly surprised. Give your PILS a chance to show that they can be friendly. After all you have only been married 6 months unless you are determined to hate them come what may?
Surely your, undoubtedly difficult, life experiences must have taught you that life is too short to spend it hating someone because they are theatre loving, smoked salmon eaters. They are you in laws and brought up your husband. They may not be as much to your taste as your own familiar parents but give them a chance.

Mrsmuddlepies

It's an anonymous post if you want it to be.

i don't understand the sniffiness about the fact that the op has a real life friend who knows she posted here. It's entirely fine.
Jack Monroe did a whole thread in her own name the other day and I could chose to post in my own name if I want, as could you. Being anonymous is not compulsory

Still reads like you don't like them because they're middle class.

All that shite about planning their party. Of course they planned it!

MrsM she knows I post here and knows my username, it's been the same for 9 years. I know she has recently started posting here, I came across this thread by accident and iMessages her to say I had posted. It was pretty obvious it was her. I thought she needed a bit of support.

What's it to you?

MrsM she knows I post here and knows my username, it's been the same for 9 years. I know she has recently started posting here, I came across this thread by accident and iMessages her to say I had posted. It was pretty obvious it was her. I thought she needed a bit of support.

What's it to you?

I think having a go at a woman who was widowed, who is married to a man who is a widower himself, where there are also four bereaved children in the frame, is a bit much frankly.

Yes, in amongst all those big life changing huge massive emotions, someone getting a bit too caught up in their French lessons/blinis/party planning could rankle a bit.

Hmm, maybe they could have taken some of that party planning time and used it to forge a closer bond with their grandchild after she lost her mum?

I think the lack of an offer of an alternative to smoked salmon for the kids is actually the tip of the iceberg about how much support they have been to those children, even the one who is theirs by blood, in the midst of life changing grief.