To want to smack my MIL?

[Crispspsps]

Venturing back in to the wonderful chaos that is AIBU..

I have many in-laws. Widowed and remarried, and long story short I have my mum, no dad, and 6 inilaws (late DH parents split and re-married, and now new DH parents). Most grandparents have accepted our new blended family and love all of our kidS.
New DH parents having a 50th anniversary party in October. They are twats (DH would agree) and are inviting only adults to a "smoked salmon on blinis followed by WTF I can't remember" lunch, but also their 5 grandchildren, of whom only one is blood (the others are steps). The menu for the day is so un-child friendly But the 5 grandchildren must come. So they can show them off despite the fact that they have never been there for any of them for any significant part of their lives, including when their DDIL died.
Actually I have already BU and have emailed MIL saying that if they can't get their smoked salmon caterers to put on a couple of plates of plain food and cucumber slices then we will bring packed lunches to their posh do. In a spiderman lunch box. Let's see how that goes down.

Been there got the Tshirt for not thinking of children at big family events then grumbling when kids are kids!

Also at DC been wheeled out to show off when suits then forgotten about.

Best bit is as kids get older they realise what is happening and let it be known they aren't happy and prefer relatives which are there for them.

"Ok just a thought, any chance mil could be undiagnosed AS? You said yourself that she hadn't done anything bad, but is just emotionally unavailable. Maybe she really can't grasp, or struggles grasping other people's emotions. "

OR she could just be like my MIL - a self centered Caaah who simply doesn't CARE about other people's emotions???

OP, it's obviously about a LOT more than the food, and maybe you don't want to overshare on here for confidentiality reasons.

It's not wrong to invite them.
Or to have 'grown up' food.

But, yes, I have PIL who like to have photos of themselves gazing adoringly at their lovely grandchildren. Only they have not phoned the house for 5 years and know nothing about them at ALL really. Sad. And hard to 'play along' with.

I recommend a virus.

I recommend a virus.

That sounds rather spine chilling!

Like you're suggesting she kills them off with some sort of super bug

Surely if you don't want to go then don't go?

"Surely if you don't want to go then don't go?"

Well,if you're a mannerless oaf.....

What I meant was politely decline!

The more I think about this the more confused I am.

You say they don't bother with your kids but moan when they invite them to a party?

They give you advance notice of the food and the option to sort something out for the kids but you moan about that.

The Spider-Man lunch box is also troubling me. Will they be that offended? And if they are then surely you're taking it with the intention of offending them. At their own party. That's way more unpleasant than an enjoyment of the performing arts!

Unless you have a really unshakable clash or the people concerned are properly abusive, here is no way to "politely decline" your parents' 50th anniversary party!

Surely the old MN missive "it's an invitation not a summons" applies here, and if the op
thinks so little of them they she wouldn't care what they thought.

"Surely if you don't want to go then don't go?"

Well,if you're a mannerless oaf...

Bertrand I always agree with you about the nasty attitude on here about
MILs.

OP, it sounds like both you and your DH have had a shit few years.

I can't see your DSD playing along - you've said she's 14, they are so unpredictable at that age what with being hormonal and all, and likely to mention how they feel even without being prompted ifswim

However, I'm with John on this - develop the lurgy on the day and just don't go - it may mean you get the silent treatment but that doesn't sound like it would be any different from now!

Good luck

develop the lurgy on the day and just don't go How rude!

"Surely the old MN missive "it's an invitation not a summons" applies here"

Yes, well, I personally don't care for that adage. I don't think "No is a complete sentence either. But I consider good manners very important. And, as I always say to my children, "If someone else behaves badly, don't let it make you behave in a way you don't like in yourself"

Why do something that you're moaning about in advance, not going to enjoy, and going to moan about afterwards?

Life is way too short

Hmm I don't really have an opinion on the op and haven't read the thread. I just wanted to say how much I love bumsex's ussr name!

Are you always a glass half empty kinda gal op?

"Why do something that you're moaning about in advance, not going to enjoy, and going to moan about afterwards?"

Because you're a grownup?

I'm not that interested in names of others DC. It's just called being polite.

I'm sure the caterer can knock up a few cheese sarnies and you can take this twice mentioned 'Spider-Man' box with you with other snacks.

I should hope your Dh won't 'cut them out' just because they are different to you.

But then I'm odd as I enjoy theatre and French classes also.

I've been a grown up for a long time - if I felt about my in laws the way the op obviously does, then I wouldn't go

And actually I do feel like this about some members of my own family, and my in laws, and there are events that I just don't attend, and I give zero fucks

I am also a bit confused about this particular party.

1. They were invited.
2. She sent you the menu to see if it was suitable.
3. She called your kids 'little ones.'
4. You said it wasn't so she said she would see what the caterer could do.

I am not sure with regard to this particular party what else she could do?

And what have concerts and the theatre got to do with anything? And has the MIL ever expressed any opposition to Spider-Man? Why is a Spider-Man lunchbox so shocking?

Why are so many MNers so obtuse and/or unkind? I'm not the most empathetic person in the world but even to me it's blindingly obvious where the OP is coming from and why she's fed up, it was right from the start.

OP, no advice but and . Sounds really really crap.

I genuinely can't see why she's so annoyed.

Bar them not coming straight away when her dh's wife died, and op wasn't there so can't know for certain how things went, she hasn't given any examples of behaviour that make her in laws seem like terrible people.

OP i feel you are getting an unecessarily hard time on here. Clearly this is not just about smoked salmon. Your ILs sound disinterested in your children and your lives and almost certainly want them at their party to show them off. They way they responded to the death of your dh's late wife sounds dismissive and callous. What does your dh actually get from continuing this relationship?

almost certainly want them at their party to show them off.

I don't get it. Why is inviting children to a family party = showing them off/wheeling them out/ parading them?

PILs sound awful regarding the bereavement. But they haven't actually done anything wrong regarding this party that I can see.

Why on God's earth would they want to learn their names? I couldn't tell you what half of my friend's grandchildren's names are, and I've no need to know either

Agreeing with Worra and Walter

It's the in laws' 50th anniversary and OP is throwing a strop because some of the guests won't know or care what her children's names are. Ridiculous.

I can't see how OP has anything to be offended by about this invitation.