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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£9000 per year plus living costs and it is policy for the university tutor not to talk to,parents...am I being too precious?

346 replies

MillyDLA · 12/09/2016 20:39

Just wondered your thoughts. My ds has missed the credits needed to move to his next year at uni, failing one exam by 2%. He has only just been told today that he can't return to uni until Sept 2017. I would have liked to have discussed this and meet with the personal tutor to support my ds in making the right choices. I want him to stop and consider all of his future options. However, even with my ds present the uni have refused any contact. I know my ds is a grown up, but this is a big decision. Added to that are all of the financial implications, student loans, a flat signed for for the whole of next year and future career/change of degree options. Big decisions to make.

I am interested in your thoughts around the lack of contact by the uni.

Thanks

OP posts:
frostyfingers · 13/09/2016 14:36

I've been when you are and frankly I think it stinks. Yes I know the son/daughter is an adult blah blah blah but surely it is in the interest of the university to actually help their students achieve the degree they've chosen? We knew nothing about one son's failure to achieve the relevant credits until a week before he was due to go abroad on sandwich year. Eventually after a lot of phone calls I managed a Skype call with his tutor to sort it out - they were unrepentant about the late notice but did at least come up with a solution and thankfully he's back on track.

Son 2 struggled in his first year and we spent ages talking to him about changing the course, dropping out altogether, doing an apprenticeship but he soldiered on but failed his 2nd year. Again the uni was crap at returning his calls (not mine although I was itching to speak to them) and only decided a week before term started that they would take him back. I had managed to speak to his tutor after the first year issue as I was worried about my son's mental health and he promised to keep in touch if there were any concerns about him not making the grade - I didn't want specifics but just needed to know if he was doing ok - he never did and my son was too stressed to talk to us, he was ashamed of what he considered as failure and tried to pretend all was ok. All we wanted as parents was for him to be happy in what he was doing, no matter what it was, and we needed the co-operation of the uni to establish that mentally he was ok, which we never got.

I didn't want to know everything in microscopic detail, and I agree that it serves no purpose for parents to manage their child's way through university, but when problems arose they really didn't appear to care and it was incredibly frustrating to be so completely in the dark. 2 different universities by the way, not the same one.

Tuktuktaker · 13/09/2016 14:36

*their, not our - Blush what a giveaway!

LittleHoHum · 13/09/2016 14:37

The OP just comes across as looking for helpful advice in what is a shitty situation.

If the job or another course doesn't work out for him it might be worth him considering VSO.

titchy · 13/09/2016 14:40

Turk: circumstances where the Student Loan Company turns their student child down for the fees

There are NO circumstances where an 18 year old UK student will be turned down for a fee loan.

Tuktuktaker · 13/09/2016 14:43

Titchy - I am here to tell you there are. Living proof.

brasty · 13/09/2016 14:45

Is that because you were not resident in the UK for many years?

PollyPerky · 13/09/2016 14:47

Lymmmummy be interested to know if you have got an 18-21 yr old who went to uni and if you took the same hands-off approach.

Maybe all the depression and misery of uni students we hear about is due to all these parents (who are on MN at least) washing their hands of their kids once they've had their 18th birthday and expect them to man-up with no emotional support.

Tuktuktaker · 13/09/2016 14:51

Yes, brasty, but we were in a country which qualified for Home/EU Status and after we filled in their questionnaire, the university gave our child Home Status for tuition fees. Student Loan company works to different rules, it seems.

brasty · 13/09/2016 14:52

If that was true, that would mean students in the past would have had greater anxiety and depression. As nearly all parents used to have a hands off approach.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2016 14:54

wow, OP has been proper pasted. I get it but fuck me its a lot of money, she is not BU wanting to have some kind of advice /consensus surely, even if she approached it wrong

and this comment It was practically unheard until about ten years ago

yup, if parents are helping invest 10000s (in my days it was pretty much free) they are going to get involved, its a no-brainer

albertcampionscat · 13/09/2016 14:57

It is a bad situation, but, well, it's her son's fault for not studying enough.

Kennington · 13/09/2016 15:12

I realise the frustration of your predicament but unfortunately it is a university for adults.
You might be lucky with a sympathetic tutor but more than likely they will say it is private between them and you son.
The money for fees etc used to be paid by the taxpayer and they didn't have access to personal tutors. It is just the way it is.

PollyPerky · 13/09/2016 15:18

If that was true, that would mean students in the past would have had greater anxiety and depression. As nearly all parents used to have a hands off approach.

Not sure of your research Brasty which proves this point- maybe link to some? Or are these just your own musings....?

The fact is that the world is a lot more complex now for young people than in 1950 -odd ( or even 1970s when I went to uni). Far more people are at uni- almost 50%- so there are bound to be more with MH issues in terms of numbers.

titchy · 13/09/2016 15:43

I did specify UK tuktuk...

HapShawl · 13/09/2016 16:42

It should not normally take 3-6 months for a student to get a decision on an appeal Shock

WindPowerRanger · 13/09/2016 17:18

Thing is, the OP's son can discuss this with the OP, and put together some questions to ask his pastoral care tutor and any other source of advice. The son can then relay this to the OP when they next talk, and come up with a way forward. No one is refusing to advise, as I understand it.

If the son can't or won't do this, it raises more fundamental questions about whether he should persevere at Uni.

brasty · 13/09/2016 17:26

I went to Uni in the late 80s, and parents were very hands off. You said maybe parents being hands off led to anxiety and depression in students. I said if being hands off caused this, then students in the past would have had higher rates of depression and anxiety.
Not musings, just following your argument to its logical conclusion.

In reality most universities offer a lot more support now, than was offered when I went to university.

anotheronebitthedust · 13/09/2016 18:07

I came on preparing to join the wrath of those saying of course you can't interfere with your son's university education but after actually reading your OP I don't think YABU. If you wanted uni to meet/discuss your son directly with you you would be, I would 100% agree that your son is an adult, has to be responsible for himself, data protection rules apply, etc.

However your son is paying (whether the actual money is his, yours, or student loan - although tbf if you have paid the full fees upfront I think you have been a bit silly, unless you are absolutely rolling in it it makes much more sense to take out the loan) for a service which includes pastoral support - I can't see why he can't bring along whoever he wants to support him in a meeting as long as he's happy to have you there.

There are loads of equivalent examples where it would be fully acceptable (in fact, encouraged, including many posts I've seen on MN) to bring someone you trust and/or someone who has more experience in a particular arena than you - doctor's appointments, mortgage and financial advice sessions, benefit applications, etc.

Whether these supporters are a partner, parent, trade union rep or friend doesn't really matter - if the individual wants them there and feels it is appropriate then they can be.

Other people upthread have been scornful at the idea of bringing your parent to a job hearing - but at almost every misconduct hearing I've been involved in (part of my job - I'm not just a terrible employee!) the employee has brought someone with them for support, including in some cases a parent.

If you are a student in your late teens it is very likely that your main source of advice and support, whether practically, emotionally or financially will be parents, because most people of that age won't be in a long term serious relationship, or have a social network that may include friends/acquaintances with relevant experience. That comes later as you grow older and develop your knowledge/support network.

CarrotVan · 13/09/2016 18:43

Hap - depends on how far they take it. 20 working days to submit an appeal, 20 working days to issue a decision, 10 working days to request a review, 20 working days to issue completion of procedures...and that's if everything runs to time and there aren't tonnes of follow up queries. And then a year to go to the OIA if the student wants.

Easily 3 months if the appeal is dismissed at the first stage and they request review

HapShawl · 13/09/2016 18:49

Ah ok I was talking about the decision wrt first appeal to review assessment decision, not subsequent appeals (so by your estimation it might take 8 weeks which is more usual). I manage this process as part of my job, which is why I was appalled that a student might have to wait 3-6 months to hear a decision on a request to review assessment decision

MaudGonneMad · 13/09/2016 18:58

Most universities don't allow appeals of academic judgement ie challenging the grade awarded to a particular assessment. Only on procedural grounds or mitigating circumstances that were not submitted to the exam boards.

Trifleorbust · 13/09/2016 18:59

she is not BU wanting to have some kind of advice /consensus surely, even if she approached it wrong

Unfortunately she is. It's not the university's job to advise her or reach a consensus she is happy with. They made a decision in line with their policies. What's to discuss, as harsh as that sounds?

PollyPerky · 13/09/2016 19:13

I went to Uni in the late 80s, and parents were very hands off. You said maybe parents being hands off led to anxiety and depression in students. I said if being hands off caused this, then students in the past would have had higher rates of depression and anxiety.Not musings, just following your argument to its logical conclusion.

Brasty

1 Your anecdotal experience of your experience at uni doesn't mean there wasn't depression amongst students ( maybe there was and it just wasn't reported in the media.)

2 Your view that parents were hands-off is just that - a view. How you can possibly know if parents were hands on or hands off outside the realms of your own little world ( we'll include your friends for good measure) is suspect. Unless you have done research on it then you can't say.

I was at uni years before you - possibly 15 years before- and some parents were very involved, some weren't. I'd not profess to know as I've not seen any stats that show it one way or the other. I do know however, having spoken to uni pastoral staff as part of my work, that there has been an increase in student mental health issues due to all sorts of factors, such as potential unemployment for graduates, low self esteem perpetuated by media 'ideals', body shape issues (media again), rise in eating disorders.....

If MNetters take a hands-off approach as shown by posts here, that's not helping.

Headofthehive55 · 13/09/2016 20:06

I don't think an entirely hands off approach is supportive. I think a parent is very well placed to be an advocate, to ask good questions and can help in terms of student accepting the outcome.

I think that uni tutors do not always act or give advice that is in the best interests of the student so I think it is reasonable that another person is there. My uni told me incorrectly I could not swap courses or do another course instead. My parents being hands off didn't want to get involved at all so I was left doing a course I did not enjoy. I guess the tutor wanted me to stay as I passed easily. It was a more prestigious course than the one I wanted to do. Not being worldly wise I did just that. What a waste!

Trifleorbust · 13/09/2016 20:11

Unfortunately, though, it doesn't work like that. An advocate is appropriate when someone can't speak for themselves. It is inappropriate in most circumstances where two competent adult parties need to have a conversation about how one is not meeting their obligations. Even sacking disputes, most organisations would only deal with a recognised union official or allow a colleague to observe discussions as a neutral - they don't let 'advocates' unless the employee cannot speak for themselves. The university is completely within its rights to only deal with members of their university, not their relatives.