To be severely annoyed at DD?

[worriedmother1929]

Last night DD17 went to an 18th birthday party. Myself and DH said she could drink a bit, but asked her not to get too drunk as her half dithers and their partners & children were coming over for a BBQ today, and we didn't want her to be hungover for a family occasion, and this would be her first time drinking alcohol in any large volume. She texted me this morning to ask if I could bring paracetamol and water to her when I went to pick her up (she slept over) and she was hungover beyond belief when I got her. I asked her what she had drank and she said nearly an entire bottle of some sort of strawberry drink, with a pretty high % of alcohol.
She's come home with a smashed phone (thankfully only her screen protector), multitudes of bruises on her legs from bumping into things and falling over, and has possibly re-injured her ankle which she sprained in April.
I'm disappointed in her for ignoring what DH and I said, as she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon, but I'm also disappointed that she didn't even think about what she was drinking and just seemed to fill up on whatever was at hand. I'm also disappointed that she has put herself at risk, and damaged something my husband and I bought for her. I understand teenagers drink, and do sometimes go OTT, but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.
AIBU to be annoyed with her?

So why ask if you were being unreasonable if you don't think you are?

You sound hard work! Don't be surprised if DD doesn't come home much for any sort of family dos in future and you're wondering why your relationship with her is so poor.

Did you read the bit where I said you sound like my controlling mother? Poor girl.

She drank too much - hardly the crime of the century when you're finding your feet with alcohol. Once you're a bit drunk it's hard to judge, it's a learning process!

I cant even think why you would 'punish' her. She wasn't on form at the BBQ? She's not a performing poney.

Feel like maybe your life is a little empty OP - needing your perfect DD on show for your family? And taking it as a personal affront when she doesn't act exactly as you want her too? Do you work? Do you have an active social life? Or has everything been pinned on your family and now they are growing up...?

YABU. She's 17 and she was at a party. What did you expect to happen? Do you remember being 17? Did you always do exactly what your parents told you to do? The large majority of 17 year olds would have done exactly the same thing.

You shouldn't have let her hang over put a dampener on the BBQ. You should have just got on with having a nice time with your family and let her get on with feeling rubbish. Like adults.

I totally understand why you are cross and disappointed, but I think she was always going to do that, OP. What teenager at a party wouldn't?!

If she were 15 I would say that the best way to make the consequences felt would be to say that next time there is a party before an important event, she won't be able to go. But she's 17, an adult soon - not sure how you'd enforce that in the not too distant future, realistically.

OP you just keep repeating yourself!
yes you're disappointed, we all are when it turns out after all our brilliant parenting our kids still are gonna behave the way all kids do!
should she have had to show face at the BBQ? imo yes. she knew it was a big deal and should still be able to be polite for 30mins.
should she have been made to sit at a table with food in that state? hell no! no wonder she's sick 4 times bless her! when I'm hung over I can't be near food until tea time time at least.
you ruined this bbq, you let her go to a party, you gave her permission to drink, you are pissed off she got drunk, you forced a vomitting teenager to sit through a meal.

Cut her some slack. She's 17. If you react badly now she'll just think stuff you and do it more deliberately in the future.
Talk about personal safety and hope she's learnt her lesson but she probably won't have. She's 17

Get a grip OP

What she did is not the crime of the century.

She made a mistake like all teens do

You on the other hand are being down right cruel

Wow OP you're like a broken record. Why've you come on AIBU if you're just going to tell the masses that we're wrong . You sound a fucking nightmare. Also, the BBQ sounds odd as anything. Never attended one where we were all sat formally around a table. I suspect that your attitude ruined the day and not your DD.
Poor girl.

Ime the people who went completely OTT with alcohol at university were the ones with incredibly po-faced unreasonable parents. This is where you may end up pushing you DD with your attitude.

And i'm sorry the 'she knew she had to go to this bbq' is beyond irritating now. Making her stay at the table while she was that sick is controlling and bullying behaviour.

We've often sat round a table we have a big one . That's not unusual, but it is a bit cruel expecting her to sit there.

Treat it as a learning experience... for you both!

In my extended family the teenagers are given a pass from family events from about 16, by about 21/22 they decide on their own they like spending time with their families again and eating better food and drinking better wine than they can afford

A good solution all round!!

Not listening to others must come from somewhere - where do you think your daughter learned selective deafness, op?

FFS, you sound like hard work.

My school friend had a mum like you. When she left to go to university-she very rarely returned home and after university has no relationship with her at all.

Is that what you want?

Give the girl a break OP. She's 17, not 27. She did what 99% of 17 years olds do.

The hangover will be punishment enough.

you ruined this bbq, you let her go to a party, you gave her permission to drink, you are pissed off she got drunk, you forced a vomitting teenager to sit through a meal

This. I've learned that once you've had a drink, it becomes more difficult to withstand peer pressure and judge how much you've had. So before any big event, I don't drink in company. I was well into my 20s before I worked that out. The last time I vomited from drink was about 18 months ago. I'm 44. I'm not proud of this - it was a mistake. As I've aged my alcohol tolerance has lessened.

So, this was the first time you had "allowed" her to drink at a party and you expected her to know when she would be too drunk? How exactly? I don't have a middle ground between sober and drunk. I don't drink as a rule but if I do and drink too much then there comes a point at which you could flip a switch and then I've had too much. No warnings, no realising that I've had too much to drink and shouldn't drink any more. So by the time I realise I've had too much to drink it's too late. For me it's easy. I don't like most alcohol anyway, I don't like the feeling of being drunk, so as a rule I just don't drink. But she's at an age where she doesn't yet know that.

Now, I very likely would have told her she was a bit stupid for drinking that much, and that a hangover is a good reason why drinking that much is a bad idea. And that it's always a good idea to pace yourself when drinking so as to not get into trouble or feel out of control.

But being extremely annoyed with her? Get a grip. I wouldn't be giving sympathy for the hangover. Self inflicted and hopefully she'll know better next time.

I suspect there is more to this. I suspect she is your youngest and the fact that she is going out independently and doing these things is a realisation that you're losing your grip on your baby. I sympathise with that thought, but this is reality. We bring our children up to make their own way in the world. They will get some things right and they will make some mistakes. They have to learn their own way at this age. You can't retain this level of control at this age.

Oh, and she's probably having sex too. .

Let's see! At age 17, I was drinking, occasionally smoking weed and cigarettes and definitely having sex.

No, she shouldn't have drunk so much but I don't get why you are maintaining the outrage and fury... She made a mistake. You need to get over it and resume being a rational and kind parent. Tower of boiling rage is just, not fitting really.

It's interesting that you've ignored the huge amount of advice and stories about this punitive and ultra tight control doesn't fit with older teenagers and will drive her away, or leave her vulnerable.

It seems you want to remain in this angry mood regardless though. Shame to be so limited.

By the way, you've already punished her an awful lot by forcing her to sit and eat food when you know her body is rejecting food. Forcing her to stay and eat ... Watching her struggle and throwing up four times, whilst you sit there fuming, seems counter productive to me. She can't make her body not hung over and hold down food, so of course she'd be disturbing your special bbq by having to be sick. If you continued to force her to carry on like that, then complain she 'spoilt' your event, it seems that the only person who could have changed their behaviour is you. What did you expect to happen? For her to magically go back in time and drink less? For her to stop her body having a physiological reaction to alcohol and hold in the food you made her eat? By the time she was hungover, she couldn't actually do anything to change it... In spite of your seething and insistence that she change the reality of the situation.

The saying about noses spiting faces and sharp implements comes to mind.

I guess you want to be angry and have your 'special bbq' ruined, nothing anyone can do on here, no matter how many people are suggesting you refocus on parenting. And certainly nothing your dd can do.