To be severely annoyed at DD?

[worriedmother1929]

Last night DD17 went to an 18th birthday party. Myself and DH said she could drink a bit, but asked her not to get too drunk as her half dithers and their partners & children were coming over for a BBQ today, and we didn't want her to be hungover for a family occasion, and this would be her first time drinking alcohol in any large volume. She texted me this morning to ask if I could bring paracetamol and water to her when I went to pick her up (she slept over) and she was hungover beyond belief when I got her. I asked her what she had drank and she said nearly an entire bottle of some sort of strawberry drink, with a pretty high % of alcohol.
She's come home with a smashed phone (thankfully only her screen protector), multitudes of bruises on her legs from bumping into things and falling over, and has possibly re-injured her ankle which she sprained in April.
I'm disappointed in her for ignoring what DH and I said, as she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon, but I'm also disappointed that she didn't even think about what she was drinking and just seemed to fill up on whatever was at hand. I'm also disappointed that she has put herself at risk, and damaged something my husband and I bought for her. I understand teenagers drink, and do sometimes go OTT, but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.
AIBU to be annoyed with her?

Insisting that she attend a family barbecue with a hangover is just mean. If you want to drive a wedge between you, keep going. She's 17. A similar thing happened with me a few weeks ago on holiday and I'm 54! Slept it off on relative's spare bed and joined in when I felt up to it. Consequently, lovely, stress-free afternoon had by all.

YANBU. You have her advanced warning and she ignored you.

I'd be giving her a consequence if it was me.

I've never in my 40 odd years been drunk. I really can't stand people drinking to excess and then making a fool of themselves or being a fall down or angry drunk.

I wouldn't rely on parental supervision either at parties .... because not all parents are that bothered by it. A boy in DDs class would drink shots at 14 and his parents knew.

It's a shame we're not all as perfect as you and op Sandy

A 'consequence'? At 17?! How would that work, then?

I can see why you are annoyed but it sounds like she didn't know her tolerance. Be glad she was with friends.

We've all been there and most of us still are there frequently, let her just blow off steam as long as she's safe and healthy it's fine :) at least she was in a house at a party with supervision and others and not getting pissed as a fart in a park bottle with a cider :) have to let her grow up sometime, as painful as it will be :)

Are we actually in 1929 as your user name seems to suggest?! I'm sure the atmosphere at the bbq was caused by your sour face and rigid determination that she was going to sit through it and that everyone was GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. The rest of the guests were probably frozen with embarrassment, and fear that your DD was going to spew over them. I have an 18 year old and think I'm a fairly strict parent but you take the biscuit.

@stillunexpected hahaha in 1929
exactly this post is ridiculous, first time drinking alcohol at 17, why hasn't she been taught to drink responsibly and eased into it, don't treat your young adults like babies and expect them to stay close!

When drinking is new to you,you don't know what is going to get you drunk,and how fast it is going to happen!i still struggle at 30,probably should stay away from the vodka lol

YABU and a bit silly. She's not a "child", she's 17. I'm fairly strict but come on, OP. And insisting she comes to the barbecue is also silly. Let her sleep it off.

I agree with the others - I have kids that age, they always refuse a drink at home but do drink at occasional parties. Finding their own limits is part of being 17 - yes say you are annoyed she drank too much, but leave it at that. Her consequence is the hangover and most likely making an idiot of herself at the party by being drunk. (She may never live it down!!) She knows she has done wrong, coming home to a load of aggro doesn't change things... Annoying for you, but if your family were once that age, then a smile and a wink at the BBQ and everyone would have got why she was not on top form that day!

Are you serious ? You tell a 17 year old they can drink the alcohol, but not too much , and expect them to be able to have such regulation and control in a party environment with all their peers - serves you right , I say!

I can understand you are cross, but we've all done it.......
It sounds to me as if you need to be more specific about amounts, rather than" not to much".
And the main thing is her safety, it's one thing for her to be really drunk with a group of close friends, but if the party includes strangers, or is in public she is at risk of sexual violence.

I'd rather live in a world where no one got do drunk they were a mess, but I did it bplenty when i was young. The hangover will teach her something, and she can learn about pacing her drinks and alternating with soft drinks.

I've never in my 40 odd years been drunk. I really can't stand people drinking to excess and then making a fool of themselves

Most of the best experiences of my younger years involve alcohol.

I used to have a phenomenal alcohol tolerance when 17 and first starting drinking with peers.

I'd regulate by money, not by units and that meant a few errors of judgement when it was a free bar ... Or 20:20 at the bottom of the park. That stuff is lethal! One school mate loved advocat, and snowballs. I never drunk it on account of the way it came straight up again when she gorged herself a little too much

Luckily all mistakes were kept firmly away from parents. But I wish someone had explained units and given them approximate practical world meaning... I thought 20 units was a sensible night out with peers.
And then a sipped mincingly one glass over a whole event (so 2 ish units) with adults/family. No internally monitored and driven idea of my own personal limits.

Didn't really 'get it', not associating the feelings I had with the mythical idea of drunkeness I had in my head. Also didn't realise that the 'feeling strange' the day after was me still being drunk! Just thought i was fine as I didn't throw up...

Sadly now I get drunk on a small glass of wine. And I'm huge compared to the stick thin 5ft 11 teenager I was. 6 stone I think I weighed at 17 yrs, so quite where I put 20 units is beyond me! Youth really is wasted on the young...

it's one thing for her to be really drunk with a group of close friends, but if the party includes strangers, or is in public she is at risk of sexual violence.

I just need to fix this misconception. approx 90% of rapes are committed by someone the woman knows. You are more likely to be raped by a friend, colleague, partner or relative than a stranger. rapecrisis.org.uk/mythsvsrealities.php

Secondly why on earth can't a young woman drink in the same way as men? if she wants to get so drunk she's hanging out of her arse she should be able to and to do so without the risk of sexual. She shouldn't change her behaviour because a man might rape her.

YABU to be annoyed at her as you were trying to have the best of both worlds - be the cool mother who says she can drink but put it on her to know how much to have. There is no need for a 17 year old to be consuming alcohol. Be her parent, not her friend.

My 17 yr old DD can put a dampener on any gathering without any alcohol or hangover whatsoever.

Roll on 21st birthday, it gets a better by then!!

Was gonna say my 17 year old cousin sits at family gatherings with a face like a twisted piss pot when he's not hungover 😂 let her grow up YABveryU!

I have been drunk three times and I am in my fifties.
I've had no hangovers.
That's mainly because I feel sick before I can drink enough to get to the point where a hangover happens.

I don't understand why you'd say she was allowed to drink at a party if she is only 17 and there was a family event the next day.
If you'd told her she couldn't drink - she'd have only drank the amount you wanted her to - she would have sneaked a few but not dared to drink more in case you could tell.

Teenagers always push things beyond limits. The best thing is to be totally unreasonably strict and then they only do stuff moderately.
I don't agree that strictness leads to people not being able to control themselves when they get off the leash.
In my experience lack of feeling loved and low self-esteem leads to lack of self control and over indulging and not having a strict upbringing. If strictness comes along with them knowing they are loved and respected you get the best end results.

It isn't okay to get steaming drunk. Just because some men harm their bodies by excessive alcohol intake doesn't mean women should do the same in the interests of equality.

It means men should drink less in the interests of equality.

Nobody should bugger their livers up and nobody should need to poison their bodies because they think they can't enjoy themselves otherwise.
I will never understand why people think vomiting and hurting themselves is a fun activity.

You're in your 50's it is a different generation. Being unreasonably strict causes more trouble than you could imagine

And personally if I was OP, I wouldn't want my daughter sneaking alcohol or lying through fear of my reaction, that's how mistrust happens. Your comment is contradictory. I'd rather my children be open with me and honest opposed to sneaking things. That's not a healthy relationship at all

Hey, some of us in our 50's don't think like the above poster!!!

You do sound controlling and harsh OP.

I think you have little perspective as have always been 'sensible'. In the realms of what 17 year olds could be getting up to (and I was for a few years before 17 and I went to a very naice private school!) It's really not a huge deal that she got pissed at a party.

@dowhatnow apologies! I have met some really cool 50+ people x