To be severely annoyed at DD?

[worriedmother1929]

Last night DD17 went to an 18th birthday party. Myself and DH said she could drink a bit, but asked her not to get too drunk as her half dithers and their partners & children were coming over for a BBQ today, and we didn't want her to be hungover for a family occasion, and this would be her first time drinking alcohol in any large volume. She texted me this morning to ask if I could bring paracetamol and water to her when I went to pick her up (she slept over) and she was hungover beyond belief when I got her. I asked her what she had drank and she said nearly an entire bottle of some sort of strawberry drink, with a pretty high % of alcohol.
She's come home with a smashed phone (thankfully only her screen protector), multitudes of bruises on her legs from bumping into things and falling over, and has possibly re-injured her ankle which she sprained in April.
I'm disappointed in her for ignoring what DH and I said, as she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon, but I'm also disappointed that she didn't even think about what she was drinking and just seemed to fill up on whatever was at hand. I'm also disappointed that she has put herself at risk, and damaged something my husband and I bought for her. I understand teenagers drink, and do sometimes go OTT, but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.
AIBU to be annoyed with her?

Anyone with a teenager going out drinking should buy these. I got them for my DD and she's shared them with her friends. Stops them getting their drinks spiked.

www.amazon.co.uk/Spikey-Anti-Drink-Spiking-Stopper/dp/B003VN3N6Q/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1473625411&sr=8-1&keywords=bottle+stops+spiking

She knew about the family arrangement. She got herself into this situation, so she has to sit through the BBQ, as she would if she had chosen to stay up all night and complain that day

Be careful OP. You'll push her away from you.

oh yes the spikey is very good.
Have a rant about only drinking beer by the neck, and keeping their thumb over the top of it, never leaving drinks alone etc...
if they listen to a damn word that is.

I actually agree with making her go to the bbq. It is all part of the natural consequences - feel like crap but have to cope (much like other posters who mention working with a hangover).

My brother did exactly this a few years ago. 18yo, looked green, half asleep. The rest of us found it funny. And we have never let him forget it! A bit like my New Year 2009 experience - I still cringe every time that story it brought up. But lessons were well and truly learned. I've never been that drunk since, and DBro hasn't turned up to a family event hungover as fuck.

She was snappy, rude and left the table to throw up four times. Not appropriate for a family occasion in my opinion

Do you know what? I've never been to a BBQ that everyone sits round a table 17 year olds go out and get pissed. She's probably been having a ball last night that's what 17 year olds do I actually feel sorry for your DD having a mother that insists she attends a family BBQ at 17. Jesus Christ she has a life you know. No wonder she was snappy having a dragon insist she sits and eats while hungover and has a cats bum face on. If you're 'disappointed' now wait until she turns 18.

yabu. She's 17 and learning her limits. Have you never went out and got wasted when you really shouldn't have. If you didn't want her getting to drunk then you shouldn't have let her stay over

She's learning how much she can handle. It's normal. Hopefully the hangover will encourage her to go easier next time.

she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon

one teenager ruined your whole afternoon?

Have to agree with everyone else - your reaction seems very ott. She's 17, not 13. She drank fairly safely, at a friend's house, not in a park. She told you she may be drinking and didn't lie about it. She drank some sort of alco fruit thing not straight vodka. She doesn't seem to have trashed her friend's house, ended up in hospital, or disgraced herself.

You are completely exaggerating wrt the effects her behaviour has had on you. She hasn't ruined an expensive iphone you've bought her - she's damaged a screen protector that you can buy for pennies. I don't see how bruises on her legs have any negative impact on you at all.

I'm impressed she attended the bbq at all tbh. At 17 most teens try to avoid any family gatherings, hungover or not. Fair enough to say she has to come down and say hello but making her stay for hours when she is ill enough to vomit 4 times is just ridiculous, if anyone 'spoilt' it it was you. Younger sibling being hungover for the first time is a cause for poking fun at them and recounting own hilarious drunken escapades in most families, surely, not judgey poker-face disapproval?

It can be really really hard to judge how drunk you are if you're not used to drinking frequently, and if you're drinking fruity drinks that mask the alcohol content. I highly doubt she meant to get that drunk and deliberately disobey you.

You are lucky op, I was a nightmare. Pissed every weekend from when I was 15 till 23 and that only stopped because I got pregnant.
Had to go to hospital at 15 due to puking up blood.
Don't be too hard on her, we've all done it!
(For the record I barely drink now!)

Be careful OP. You'll push her away from you.

^
This

Very harsh to make her attend the bbq. She could have just popped her head in to say hi, said she was poorly and slept her hangover off. The fact that she had to leave 4 times to be sick and you still made her endure the bbq make you sound a bit cruel.

Just because you hardly drink anymore and your attitude to drink has changed over the years, doesn't mean everyone has to share your view.

she is 17, got pissed at a party, probably bitterly regrets it. You have not taught her a lesson. You've just taught her that if she gets pissed again, hide it from you somehow.

Hold the front page!

"17 year old gets pissed at a party, then gets a HANGOVER"

What is the world coming to, it never happened in my day. oh wait, yes it did

Wow! My DD is 17, if she did that I'd be careful about guilt-tripping her about it. Yes it's disappointing, but I think you expect to exert more control over your DD than is reasonable at that age. Particularly given that your main beef seems to be that she was hungover at some family bbq full of adults that she could have easily been excused from. Not like it was a wedding or anything.

She was safe, she broke a screen protector & fell over. She got pissed & she'll be right as rain tomorrow. Not like you had to bail her out of a police station is it? Give her a break! Were you never 17?!

You shouldn't have made her attend the bbq. If she was that hungover she was sick 4 times during the meal I'm sure it would have been better for her and everyone else if she wasn't there.

sorry a bbq?

so not a birthday wedding important occasion just a bbq

sorry but totally ott she was feeling ill self inflicte i know but going in and to being sick surely u felt bad making her sit there

i got drunk about 14 i didnt learnt ill i was mid twenties that me and drink dont mix

Yabu. She's 17 celebrating an 18yo birthday. What did you expect would happen? Let her live her youth for a bit, without the stress of adulthood which will hit her very soon. I was exactly the same when I was her age, ended up with a highly paid full time job, my own flat at 19 and a family that accept me whenever I'm (rarely) a hungover mess at various gatherings. A stinking hangover is enough punishment and trust me, she'll begin to resent you later on in life for forcing her to grow up and not allowing her to have freedom! She will learn by herself, trust.

I can understand you are upset. But it is hard for teenagers to pace themselves. And you have to decide how best to help your teen through these murky waters.

Leaving channels of communication open I'd think is a priority.

I had to hide my drinking mistakes from my mother due to her terrifying rage. I had friends who's parents showed their love came first by being ready to step into any situation and help. It boggled my tiny teenage brain so much that a parent would help, not make a situation even worse. That they'd see their child at risk or in distress. And help. Not scream. Not punish. Not humiliate. Help. Still confuses me even now when I think about it too much!

You don't want to be that parent. I was so alone, and so vulnerable.

I'm a mother and grandma. 'Been there, done that'. It's part of growing up and I'm so glad I don't have to go through it again. No point taking the high moral ground and it will undoubtedly happen again. Your job is to make sure she knows it's a stupid and irresponsible thing to do but that you're there to hold the sick bucket and dole out the paracetamol. Her hangover is punishment enough

It was a family BBQ organised before one of her brothers went away for business for a while. Her other brother is newly married and we wanted to have a smaller, family celebration. She had known about the BBQ for around a month, and knew she shouldn't have been hung over. She chose to drink far too much, so had to attend no matter how she felt, this was her fault. I'm disappointed because I asked her not to get too drunk, not because she drank at all.

That last update doesn't change anything.
What do you think about the comments, advice and consensus that you misjudged things on this occasion?

You really are a fucking stuck record. So bloody what.

So one brother is going away for a bit and another just got married. It wasn't actually his wedding.

I hadn't realised this was the sub-section of AIBU where you ask if YABU, we all tell you YABU and then you get to disagree despite all evidence to the contrary.

Your Dd is 17. Self-control and rationalising consequences are still not quite settled in her mind. YABU and extremely naive if you think that she should have controlled herself. Learning self-restraint when it comes to alcohol is something that many of us only learn when we have kids, out of necessity. Twice in the last 12 months I have mis-judged it and lived to regret it for the next two days day.

Just because you are po-faced capable of restraint, it doesn't mean everyone else is.