To be severely annoyed at DD?

[worriedmother1929]

Last night DD17 went to an 18th birthday party. Myself and DH said she could drink a bit, but asked her not to get too drunk as her half dithers and their partners & children were coming over for a BBQ today, and we didn't want her to be hungover for a family occasion, and this would be her first time drinking alcohol in any large volume. She texted me this morning to ask if I could bring paracetamol and water to her when I went to pick her up (she slept over) and she was hungover beyond belief when I got her. I asked her what she had drank and she said nearly an entire bottle of some sort of strawberry drink, with a pretty high % of alcohol.
She's come home with a smashed phone (thankfully only her screen protector), multitudes of bruises on her legs from bumping into things and falling over, and has possibly re-injured her ankle which she sprained in April.
I'm disappointed in her for ignoring what DH and I said, as she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon, but I'm also disappointed that she didn't even think about what she was drinking and just seemed to fill up on whatever was at hand. I'm also disappointed that she has put herself at risk, and damaged something my husband and I bought for her. I understand teenagers drink, and do sometimes go OTT, but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.
AIBU to be annoyed with her?

Seriously, a bit weird that you don't understand. I imagine it was something like maddog 20/20. A friend once gave me that to drink 20% proof I was 17 had no idea and was trashed in no time, luckily I was at home, but this kind of thing is normal, not ideal of course, but don't expect a 17 year old in that situation to be sensible. Other parents generally do not watch 17 year olds. They may seem mature, but at 17 not many are your expectations are too high.

It was a family BBQ organised before one of her brothers went away for business for a while. Her other brother is newly married and we wanted to have a smaller, family celebration. She had known about the BBQ for around a month, and knew she shouldn't have been hung over. You're wrong here, you EXPECTED her not be hungover She chose to drink far too much, so had to attend no matter how she felt, Fuck sake you sound like a control freak. If she had been ill by the sound of it you'd have forced her to attend anyway not to spoil your little family get together this was her fault. I'm disappointed because I asked her not to get too drunk, not because she drank at all. You can't control her forever. I feel so sorry for her. One day your DD is going to stick two fingers up to you and walk away sounds as if it's already happening and you only have yourself to blame OP.

Op in my opinion yanbu to be disappointed in her, we are all entitled to our feelings. You thought she could handle her drink, you trusted she would listen to you and you thought she would be sensible and you found out she is just like most other 17 year old who make mistakes and mess up.
However yabu to punish her any more than sitting through a BBQ hungover making small talk to your family when all you want to do is go to sleep!
At the end of the day she's 17, she made a mistake, she got drunker than she intended. She caved to peer pressure (name 1 teenager that hasn't at some point!) She's probably disappointed in herself. You need to brush it off and chalk it up to expiearience, if you don't, you won't be the one she calls if she ever finds herself in danger or needing help. Next time there is a family event and she gets too drunk she won't turn up at all!
This will make or break your relationship.

She is 17, approaching 18, and this is the first time she has drunk enough to have a hangover? Either you've got off lightly or, more likely, you've kept her on such a tight rein that she has not had the opportunity to learn about alcohol and the effects of excessive consumption until now. Maybe, just maybe, she is also more interested in her friends than her family at the moment and if so this would be completely normal too.

She is 17, approaching 18, and this is the first time she has drunk enough to have a hangover? Either you've got off lightly or, more likely, you've kept her on such a tight rein that she has not had the opportunity to learn about alcohol and the effects of excessive consumption until now. Maybe, just maybe, she is also more interested in her friends than her family at the moment and if so this would be completely normal too.

(this was me and my mum many years ago, she chose to be angry, she chose to punish me way beyond what was reasonable and although we are in a good place now, for many many years we weren't.)

Did anyone else at this BBQ actually care that she was hungover. Other than you I mean?

Her brothers?

Or did they just laugh it off?

Some people have empathy - for a teen having her first alcoholic evening at 17 it isn't so bad. An acquaintance of mine ended up in hospital much younger having drunk so much she needed her stomach pumped.

If you get super cross with her about these sorts of minor indiscretions then she won't come to you if she actually needs help/gets herself in trouble.

That could be worse....m

I see both sides. Ynbu to want her to have listened to you
Yabu to have expected her to have known her limits and not gone completely overboard. She is 17, I would say you did well to get this far without this scenario cropping up earlier. Myself and the vast majority of people in my year at school were getting regularly wasted from the age of 14 and indulging in recreational drugs. The area I grew up in was, err, delightful and that is just what kids did.
I feel you were a bit U making her sit through it. Of course it put a dampener on the event but that was your choice at that point!

Yeh in with the " what did you think was going to happen ?" Brigade . If you were that concerned you should have made strict arrangements to bring her home at a reasonable time . You absolutely cannot expect teenagers to behave sensibly with alcohol .

Talk to her about the risks she took at that party and hope that she learns something .

It's not right, but get used to it! This is what young 'uns do. I did it plenty myself and I was a good girl with good grades at a very good school who towed the line 99% of the time - I never even had a single late mark after 7 years of school, let alone a detention - but yes I got drunk with friends at that age and occasionally it coincided with a family event in much the same way.

Don't approve it at all to her face, but do quietly try to adjust your expectations for future similar situations!

Wow, this is incredibly unreasonable! In a matter of months, your DD will, in the eyes of the law and society, be a grown woman but you force her to sit through some bs family occasion like a small child?

Be disappointed by all means. All you will do is drive her away. To say this was her fault is ridiculous. She went to a party. How many of us here can guarantee we won't get carried away next time we go out? And we're all much older than her. You haven't given her any guidance or let her test her limits because of your own attitude to alcohol. It's all or nothing - she can drink as much as she wants in front of you, and clearly didn't because she knows you wouldn't approve as you don't drink, or she can go somewhere she feels she can let her hair down but has to stick to limits she's never been able to test before!

No, this wasn't her fault. The blame lies squarely with you for treating your adult daughter like a child and then sulking when she did what all teenagers do, and usually do much younger.

I think you're being too hard on her. I'd rethink if I were you, she's old enough to leave home as I'm sure you know. Is that what you want?

No, this wasn't her fault. The blame lies squarely with you for treating your adult daughter like a child and then sulking when she did what all teenagers do, and usually do much younger.

^^This.

YABVVU

Seriously OP, get real. You're being ridiculous. You choose the kind of relationship you have with your children, it would he nice for her to know that she won't be treated like a 5 year old when she fucks up, which we ALL do from time to time. Even you.

Doesn't look like op is coming back any time soon

No, I doubt it, which is a shame because there's some good advice on here.

I think most people agree that drinking too much alcohol is bad for you and that you shouldn't do it. However, in this case it was a mistake on the part of the OP's DD. Alcopops are nasty - they do seem to be intended to get you drunk quickly without really noticing it happening.

I think that in the UK we do have an unhealthy attitude to drunkenness and encourage some very antisocial behaviour. Teenagers need help coping with this, rather than outright condemnation when they mess up. A simple "please alternate with a glass of water so you don't get too dehydrated" would have limited the hangover before it started. And personally I'd go a bit easy on the paracetamol as well - I figure my liver has enough to do sorting out the alcohol without adding that in as well, though I could be wrong.

As a mum of older and younger DC I can say it's a bloody long journey and yes I did the same myself. Take Christmas Eve as an example, for a fair few years my older crew, despite advice, warnings etc. were hung under on Xmas day until they realised the worth of a lovely Christmas morning opening presents etc for themselves, the way it had always been before.. They come back to the values and love you have installed into them .. But it's a phase we all go through x

Personally I wouldn't have made her sit through the BBQ as that sounds unpleasant for everyone. Sounds like she isn't used to alcohol and she accidentally overdid it and has been punished sufficiently by the hangover from hell. She will soon be an adult and more independent so you want to keep channels of communication open to maintain a close relationship. If you are too strict or judgmental she will just feel she can't turn to you for advice if she makes a mistake.

She's 17, leave her be. Hangover + bbq sounds horrible and punishment enough. When I was 16 I spent every sunday morning throwing up from too much vodka the night before - it's a learning curve I suppose, haha!

She doesn't know how much she can take as it's her first time drinking. Some people can drink half a bottle of vodka and not show any signs of drinking alcohol, while others are drunk after one glass of wine.

It is fact that alcohol breaks down the ability to have will power, its why its addictive and can lead to so much trouble. The brain is no longer able to consider the long term consequences over the short term gain. So her brain was saying yeah, lets have more whilst the other part that when sober would point out the consequences is literally silenced. Its why people end up sleeping together, or decide to drive their cars, or end up being rude/argumentative.

So in a nutshell, at only 17 (bordering 18) she's not yet mature enough to understand that 1 drink will lead to another, especially when in an environment full of others drinking and 'leading her on'. It would have been far better to stipulate 1 drink or simply none as she is unlikely to have built up enough experience yet to make those decisions for herself.

I feel so glad that I had my parents when it comes to attitudes about alcohol. They basically told me that they didn't mind how much I drank as long as I was safe. There were times I overdid it and their non judgemental attitudes meant I turned to them where as friends of mine actively hid it from their parents. My parents were both tee total btw but had enjoyed nights out when they were younger. It took me a while and I learnt my limits. I'm pretty much tee total (or constantly pregnant it feels like) and I don't miss alcohol because I never developed a relationship where it became my treat or secret vice.

First time drunk at 17???? You got away lightly I'd say. Just as well you weren't my mum!! Although I seem to remember (hazily) being forced to join in a family occasion with a hangover! Lighten up, you've more to come 🤔

Bah, it's going to happen. I did much worse. It takes quite a few drinking mistakes before you get the hang of it. Go easy on her..

Haven't rtft but yabu. Did you provide her with alcohol for the party? At 17 if she rarely drinks she would have no idea of her limits - I would have bought her three bottles of various ciders (the nice ones 3 for £5) and told her to drink a glass of coke between each one and drink number 3 approx 1 hour after number 2 to be on the safe side as it can take a while to hit you.

Dd friend wasn't provided with any alcohol at 16 for a party, she said her parents won't let her drink, so she took a bit off everyone. Ended up with an ambulance being called so her stomach could be pumped.

Like lovely I was allowed to drink as a teenager and I rarely drink now. I will never understand drinking alone or having a drink on an evening to wind down /de stress after work. A bottle of wine remains in my cupboard for months!

I agree - she's 17 what did you expect? Next time talk to her VERY LOUDLY when she is hung over....