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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be severely annoyed at DD?

303 replies

worriedmother1929 · 11/09/2016 16:50

Last night DD17 went to an 18th birthday party. Myself and DH said she could drink a bit, but asked her not to get too drunk as her half dithers and their partners & children were coming over for a BBQ today, and we didn't want her to be hungover for a family occasion, and this would be her first time drinking alcohol in any large volume. She texted me this morning to ask if I could bring paracetamol and water to her when I went to pick her up (she slept over) and she was hungover beyond belief when I got her. I asked her what she had drank and she said nearly an entire bottle of some sort of strawberry drink, with a pretty high % of alcohol.
She's come home with a smashed phone (thankfully only her screen protector), multitudes of bruises on her legs from bumping into things and falling over, and has possibly re-injured her ankle which she sprained in April.
I'm disappointed in her for ignoring what DH and I said, as she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon, but I'm also disappointed that she didn't even think about what she was drinking and just seemed to fill up on whatever was at hand. I'm also disappointed that she has put herself at risk, and damaged something my husband and I bought for her. I understand teenagers drink, and do sometimes go OTT, but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.
AIBU to be annoyed with her?

OP posts:
FlumptyDumpty · 12/09/2016 09:03

OP, please get down off your high horse and listen to the response on here. Before you ruin something much more important than a family BBQ.

halofell · 12/09/2016 09:15

OP, you don't realise how lucky you are. She misjudged her alcohol intake and this time she only txted you for paracetamol and water when you went to pick her up and she wasn't on top form for the BBQ. And seriously, is your whole family so stuffy they couldn't have been happy with a 'brief appearance' and then taken the piss out of her behind her back when she went back to bed?

If you overreact on this one when no actual harm was done, will she be confident to call you if something really does go wrong and she really needs you? Like if she has been or thinks she might be assaulted or dropped off in the middle of nowhere by some charming twat who she refuses to have sex with? She called, she was honest and she stuffed up. She knows this.

But what if the stakes are much higher, her safety is at risk and she's too scared to call you because she fears your disapproval cos she misjudged the limit again. She could end up at even more risk. By all means have a chat about limits and responsible drinking and suggest strategies etc but the most important thing to do at this point of her life when she is entering risky behaviour without understanding the full consequences is to know she can call you any time she is in trouble without immediate judgement (this doesn't mean no consequences and no discussion of behaviour afterwards) It means you are a safe place if it all goes to shit and she is at risk. If she can't go to you, her Mum, where else will / can she turn?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2016 09:27

Very well said halofell. You are totally right. Unfortunately I don't think this is what op wants to hear.

GinIsIn · 12/09/2016 09:49

I really don't understand your mentality. You seem to want to be angry with your DD.

All that you will achieve with your self-righteous and domineering attitude is that she will stop telling you her plans and stop asking for your opinion. Is that what you want?

FlumptyDumpty · 12/09/2016 10:27

Wise words indeed, Halofell.

Having thought about your last update, OP, could it be that you are upset (and angry?) that your son is moving abroad, and are projecting this onto your daughter? You seem to have been so overly invested in the BBQ going 'right'. The whole scenario sounds quite febrile, and freighted with a huge amount of tension and emotion.

Or do you always react like this if your DD doesn't act in the way you want?

Have you considered how horrendous she must have felt, having to sit at a table faced with food, while being so hungover? How awful it would be to be sick and then have to go back and sit at a lunch table? Four times? Have you any empathy for her at all?

Do try to think about how she feels, for the sake of your future relationship.

GabsAlot · 12/09/2016 12:44

op-aibu

rest of the thread-yes

no im not it was a family bbq she knew about a month ago so u should all agree with me

yawn

5Foot5 · 12/09/2016 13:38

but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.

I'm disappointed because I asked her not to get too drunk, not because she drank at all.

But can you not see that this wasn't a case of her ignoring you or deliberately disobeying you? She almost certainly did not set out to get in to that state. She is only 17 and this was the first time she was in a drinking situation like that. The strawberry whatever it was probably tasted so nice she didn't realize how strong it was and she is not experienced enough to recognize the cues that would tell her it is time to slow up.

Rather then just telling her not to get drunk did you offer her any advice beforehand on how to manage that?

I hope she is feeling better now. I fear that any opportunity you might have had to sit down with her afterwards to have a chat about what happened will be ruined now. If you had treated her sensibly and sympathetically at the time she might have listened. Now I suspect she resents you and won't be inclined to.

WankingMonkey · 12/09/2016 13:38

'She knew she had to go to the BBQ' and such...HAD TO? What would you have done had she came down with food poisoning or something? Still made her sit through it? You sound harsh as fuck and I feel so sorry for your ILL daughter who you forced to go through with a sit down meal while she was vomitting. I seriously doubt her brother would have given a crap if she was there or not...it was simply your form of punishment for disobeying you. If you carry on down this route, I am 99% sure she will just rebel more. This will lead to situations where she puts herself in danger to spite you, such as drinking more and not bothering to come home at all. You do realise she could technically move out at her age? Then what would you do?

I know everyone is different, but I would much prefer my kids to be able to tell me things that are going on in their lives and such rather than being scared of me. When I was growing up I was pretty wild from about 14 onwards..and without my mothers support I may have ended up dead in a gutter somewhere tbh, but rather than 'punishing me' she used to talk to me about stuff, allowed me to drink in the house to gauge my limits...stuff like that. As she knew I would be doing it anyway so she preferred me to do it safely. If she had been anything like how you sound, I would have been 10x worse I think. Teenagers, especially when they are adults, do not like being told what to do. This doesn't mean you just let them get away with stuff, but there are ways and means of going about things. Also I found when my parents were 'disappointed' in me rather than angry..it affected me more.

rollonthesummer · 12/09/2016 13:39

Ever since I've needed to be, I've been in control of what I drank

What a shame so many other people are not as perfect as you.

dowhatnow · 12/09/2016 13:42

Also I found when my parents were 'disappointed' in me rather than angry..it affected me more.

Very true. Angers makes them defensive. Disappointment is much more effective.

happypoobum · 12/09/2016 14:52

Sounds like DS is the escaping Golden Child and DD is the poor Scapegoat. How on earth any parent could make their child sit through a meal when they are being repeatedly sick is absolutely beyond me.

You should be ashamed of yourself OP

corythatwas · 12/09/2016 15:12

I probably have less cultural tolerance of teen drunkenness than most MNers, having grown up in a pretty teetotal environment. Certainly remember carefully adding up the sips of the various alcoholic beverages I allowed myself at my first teen party, because I knew my parents would not be able to handle any signs of intoxication. And have experienced alcoholic poisoning in others, so would see that as a realistic risk.

So far my own teen children have respected my preference not to see them in a state of complete alcoholic stupor, and I don't think it has cramped their style too much.

But even so, that image of a young girl who has vomited three times being made to go back and sit at the table- that is just beyond me. (must have been absolutely charming for the other guests too... Hmm)

This is all about your ego, OP. It is certainly not about politeness to the other guests- how could the sight possibly add any pleasure to their enjoyment of the afternoon? It is not about your duties as a hostess- see above. It is not about wanting your dd to be more careful in the future- she is on the cusp of adulthood and you are not going to be able to control her like this for much longer. If you want her to stay safe by following your advice and feel able to call on you in an emergency, even one that is self-induced, then you need to be seen as a level-headed and reasonable person.

RhodaBorrocks · 12/09/2016 15:15

This is a rite of passage for most people. When I first got off my face my parents weren't around. I ended up with alcohol poisoning because older people thought it was hilarious to ply me with more drink after I'd said no (last thing I remember actually). After the worst was over and I still felt shite the family mercilessly ripped the piss out of me for ages.

When it happened to my sister she was at home and my parents were harsh when she was still pissed, but the next day again, we all took the piss.

Neither of us drank that much ever again. Those sweet drinks are absolutely evil, you don't taste the alcohol and only realise the potency the next day. Hopefully your DD has learned that now and will be better next time, but really to expect her to just go out and be in control is BU. Just because you can doesn't mean others can.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 12/09/2016 15:29

God knows what my mum must have thought of me. i went out drinking all the time from16 yo. I like to think I have turned out OK at 27.
I think you're overreacting with the disappointment. My concern would be the volume drank which could make anyone vulnerable

HairsprayBabe · 12/09/2016 15:31

YABU

She is 17 and went to an 18th birthday party where booze was available? What exactly did you expect?

Puddleduckthe2nd · 12/09/2016 15:43

fgs, from the age of about 15-22 I spent most of my time in a drunken haze. It's what teenagers do, drink to much, party all night and not think remotely of the consequences.

Do I want my son to drink the way I did, no probably not, will he yes probably. If he does, he'll be given, a bucket, paracetmol and a pint of water and put back to bed.

You are refusing to acknowledge that most people think you are wrong, why even ask?

You don't drink, so what, how does this affect anything?

She's only young once, lighten up or you'll push her away.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2016 15:51

Doesn't look like op is coming back any time soon.

Probably off sticking her fingers in her ears saying "la la la la la".

biilbosmum · 12/09/2016 17:27

YABU
Learning about alcohol is unfortunately a slow process, fraught with mistakes. Cut her some slack and talk to her, don't berate her. Of course its not ideal, but rather than be cross about a family BBQ, talk to her about safety. Was she with friends? Were they looking after each other? Was anyone looking after her? My two have both had nasty nights out, but all I ask is that they stay with their friends and that someone is there to hold their hair out of their face if they vomit, and to help get them home safely. Thats the important stuff. They do learn. Some more slowly than others. But safety, not appearances, is what's important!

Cubtrouble · 12/09/2016 17:30

Seriously. She's 17. What did you think would happen?

Shannonl96 · 12/09/2016 17:37

Coming from a 20 year old...she went out and did what any 17 year would do...it could have been so much worse..just thank yourself she had the respect to ask if she could go. The hangover was her punishment and having to sit through a family event was to as we all know there's nothing worse when we're hanging out our backsides. I get that your annoyed she didn't do as you asked but like I said just be grateful she had the respect to ask to go many 17 years old wouldn't ask and would do it behind there parents backs..

Patsy99 · 12/09/2016 17:39

YABU - you could all have teased her relentlessly at the BBQ and extracted maximum comedy value from the hangover.

I don't think this is a big deal.

Kindlethefourth · 12/09/2016 17:41

Erm.....Legal limit for alcohol purchase is 18 for a reason. There is a reason for that limit because at 17 she isn't mature enough to control drinking. Telling her she can have some but expecting her to judge is U. YABU. She will have suffered enough.

Shona52 · 12/09/2016 17:45

YRNBU but she is 17. So easy to get carried away when out with friends. I'm sure it won't be the last time.

Neverknowingly · 12/09/2016 17:57

She's 17. Alcohol is not a lesson you learn from your parents - you have to learn it yourself ESPECIALLY the impact that drinking has on your better judgement.

One Christmas when DS was about 1 I got hammered at a Christmas night out. I had to look after DS on my own the next day as DH was at work. It was grim, but DS in a most unusual turn of events for his one year old hyperactive self decided to just cuddle all day and watch TV.

I have promised that when he is 17 and makes a mistake like this I will remember that day and be very kind.

Cakestop · 12/09/2016 17:59

I'm assuming an 18th party and sleepover had been known about for longer than a month? Did you ask her if she had anything on that weekend?

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