To be severely annoyed at DD?

[worriedmother1929]

Last night DD17 went to an 18th birthday party. Myself and DH said she could drink a bit, but asked her not to get too drunk as her half dithers and their partners & children were coming over for a BBQ today, and we didn't want her to be hungover for a family occasion, and this would be her first time drinking alcohol in any large volume. She texted me this morning to ask if I could bring paracetamol and water to her when I went to pick her up (she slept over) and she was hungover beyond belief when I got her. I asked her what she had drank and she said nearly an entire bottle of some sort of strawberry drink, with a pretty high % of alcohol.
She's come home with a smashed phone (thankfully only her screen protector), multitudes of bruises on her legs from bumping into things and falling over, and has possibly re-injured her ankle which she sprained in April.
I'm disappointed in her for ignoring what DH and I said, as she was a mess at the BBQ and put a dampener on the entire afternoon, but I'm also disappointed that she didn't even think about what she was drinking and just seemed to fill up on whatever was at hand. I'm also disappointed that she has put herself at risk, and damaged something my husband and I bought for her. I understand teenagers drink, and do sometimes go OTT, but when I asked her to reign it in she ignored me and did something I had explicitly asked her not to.
AIBU to be annoyed with her?

I agree with others..

It's a rite of passage to becoming an adult and she will learn from it.

She should have been in bed drinking lots of water, not forcing down burgers and making small talk, so that sounds punishment enough!

I do think it's natural as a parent to feel concerned. As well as educating her about alcohol, as someone suggested, make sure she is aware that anyone passed out after drinking should be put on their side to avoid choking on vomit. Her friends should be aware of this too.

The majority of teens her age will drink so it's a case of educating her of the dangers as best you can.

So why did you ask if you were being unreasonable? You clearly don't think you are whatever anyone says.

I can imagine your daughter will just stop telling you about how much she drinks and will start hiding her hangovers and spending all weekend with friends.

You do sound a bit pious, sorry. I also rarely drink now but I'm 51. I have been riotously drunk in the past pre-kids and maybe will do so again when they leave home (who knows!).

Yes it's annoying but forcing her to sick at the table when she was getting up to be sick was foolish in the extreme and that is your fault for wanting to punish her for not being a sensible middle aged woman.

You said "don't drink too much" and she didn't - she drank just about the expected amount for a silly 17 year old.

You're not going to help her learn to deal with alcohol by behaving like Mary Whitehouse.

Omg you are so controlling. No wonder she was snappy if you made her sit there like a 5 year old.
If you don't let her make her own choices you will push her away.
She got drunk, big deal.

I feel quite sorry for your DD to be honest. Not so much for the hangover - that's natural consequences .

But telling a 17 year old that she has to attend a family event, even though she is feeling unwell? She isn't a young child to be dictated to. At her age, she needs to be allowed to make her own decisions about what she attends and doesn't (well, within reason) - and deal with any implications e.g, rest of family being disappointed.

larry I agree with your point about the culture to drink too much but to be honest times move on and popular culture changes with every generation.

My parents drank mostly home brew as teenagers (post war) from what I hear from them.

My older cousins were 70's hippy's and didn't drink but had loads of teenage sex.

My older friends in the 80's were raving on lsd most weekends.

I won't go into my activities, but my point is, times change, culture changes, every generation gets grief off the older ones...

So was your main concern actually making her see through the consequences of her actions or keeping up appearances in front of "family" at all costs?

If the BBQ was at your place, could the poor girl just not have stayed in bed?

God lord, do you always treat her like a naughty 5 year old? Why did she 'have' to be at the barbecue anyway? I find, the more you treat someone like a child, the more they behave it. If her presence was in such demand, it was up to you to insist she didn't go to a party the previous night.

I ask because even if it's the first DD will probably interpret it as the second.

Poor kid. If she's never drunk like that before she won't have developed a sense of when she's getting drunk.

YABU, sorry

Also, there's no relationship between how much you and your DH choose to drink now and how much your DD will drink at 17, there's no point comparing them.

You sound like a 1950's school ma'am. Really appealing.

I wonder how long it be before the DD is posting on the stately homes thread.

im sure when my daughters are old enough to be doing this sort of thing i will be equally annoyed..
However i'm ashamed to admit i was doing that and worse behind my parents back from age 13 onwards ! I will thank my lucky stars if my children wait til they are legally able before disobeying my alcohol limits !!

I don't think it's ok for teenagers to drink to excess and it sounds like you've set her up for it by expecting it to happen sometime (just not today) and not educating her about how drunk the sugary alcoholic drinks can make you.

Why don't you have a higher standard? You don't drink 'as much as you want' - you drink sensibly. Just because teenagers do is not a good reason. Have you seen the crappy stats we have on teens in this country? It's because of parenting like this (among other things!).

I also think you were an absolute battleaxe making her sit through dinner. That's harsh and has more to do with your attitude. It's a totally fake consequence which is massively inappropriate for that age group. More like mind games.

YANBU but the most significant thing to me is she put herself at risk. Youngsters can die of alcoholic poisoning and also be abused because they can't take care of themselves and, very significantly, enforce their own choices. These are the two issues I would focus on and if she can learn this lesson the other things (phone being not damaged, not being hung over, not spoiling family events etc) will all fall into place.

IMHO, please focus on what is important....

"Experts warn that young brains simply cannot process this amount of alcohol. "The brain doesn't stop growing until the mid-20s, and one of the first regions of the brain affected by alcohol — and affected most dramatically — is the area responsible for judgment and decision-making," explains Schaider."

That quote is about half way through this very long article, which I have only scan read, but it tells the story of a 17 year old girl who died as a result of downing shots at a party. A party where those who could have saved her life failed to do so. Grim reading....

But I think some mild scare tactics could help (a disclaimer here, my dd is not yet 12, let alone 17 so this is uncharted territory for me!).

www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a13054/binge-drinking-killed-shelby-allen/

i also think you were an absolute battle axe making her sit through dinner. That's harsh and has more to do with your attitude. It's a totally fake consequence, which is massively inappropriate for that age group. More like mind games.

^^ This with bells on.

"Myself rarely drinks now"

So , yourself used to drink to excess but yourself doesn't any more?

PS I must also admit at 16 I ended up a party with some friends who were older. I had no idea where I was, drunk a ton of Southern Comfort and threw up in the bathroom. Luckily the young (but older than I) man who had taken me to the party was a lovely man and a real gentleman and hot me home safely and no harm befell me. But my parents had no idea where I was, I had no idea where I was, and it could have been a different story.

Exactly Italian. I said earlier on that ops DD was at risk from alcohol poisoning. She should have been properly looked after even if it meant cancelling the family meal. And again, making her sit through a meal as some kind of punishment isn't parenting through the problem. It's bullying.

I can understand you being disappointed, OP, but in think you need to calm down and let it go. She's probably learnt her lesson, with the hangover from hell and being made to attend a barbecue. Be honest, how did someone having a hangover create an atmosphere? Was it more a case of your anger towards your daughter creating an atmosphere?

In most circumstances people would be having a chuckle about a young person's first hangover, remembering their own youth, however I can imagine everyone feeling dreadfully uncomfortable if a mother was obviously resentful towards their own child.

Got me home not hot me home!

For goodness sake, Italiangreyhound, I would like to meet one teen who's been put off by silly scare tactics over drinking. Yes of course it can go too far, but luckily it's very few teens who die from alcohol poisoning.

Young people will drink, better to have that 'ok that's my limit' moment early on. Mine didn't happen until my mid twenties (when I really should have known better), and I made a total fool of myself. Of course you don't want your children to get into a dangerous state, but most will just feel very rotten and vow never to get so drunk again. It's not ok for parents to punish them for silly mistakes we all make around a this age (or treat them like toddlers, in the OPs case).

It's easy to forget that when you've never really consumed alcohol, you don't know how strong it is. A 17 year-old could easily consume a bottle of, say, coca-cola over the course of an evening - to her, it may not seem like that much of a leap to consume a bottle of the strawberry stuff.

Simply saying "don't drink too much" is too abstract. Teens really aren't taught the strength (or otherwise) of alcohol, except through experience.