to not help her?

[DorothyL]

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

^ Phiney may have a point there. Someone at our school was declined time off when the person who was covering her offered to come in unpaid for her day off.

This thread is nuts.

If my DH asked me to take some annual leave so that he could stay at work unpaid to return a colleague's favour I would tell him no fucking way.

And that's before even factoring in the impact it would have on my SN child.

Dorothy, you can't, simple, it isn't possible, that's just how it is.
Tell her, end of ...
Don't make a drama out of nothing.
She doesn't need you for an emergency, that would be different.
Your Son however, does need you.

No they haven't scary, they just did two jobs in the period they would normally do one to facilitate the favour.

DorothyL, I really do get it when you say your son's needs have an impact on how the favour is repaid. I have a ds with undiagnosed sn and now queries re a dd. I completely get that a slight change to their routine can completely screw up an afternoon/evening/whole weekend. That you can have hours of being screamed at and kicked because you've given them the wrong cup, that the scheduled tv programme isn't on and there's none on demand to put on instead. That another one of my children needs my help and I have to put my query sn child's needs to one side for that period.

But; you do need to consider that she did you a favour to facilitate you attending your ds' assembly. She has asked for a similar favour (of time off) and if you can get dh or mil to pick your ds up from school then it keeps the goodwill you may need another time. Otherwise you could face having to let down your son and deal with the fallout from that or risking asking your managers as opposed to colleagues for the time off and have them decline it.

Hmm. Yes, absolutely to those who say others may have their own difficult situations. However, if all you can see is the end of the nose on your face, then you are not going to understand that.

I don't get people saying dh or mil pick up anyway - they do that on the days I can't pick him up. Fridays I get him. Dh is at work and mil caring for ill fil.

Also finding it amusing to read that many do not appreciate what sitting in / taking / supervising someone else's class entails.
It's not a polishing your nails gig.

OP how does your MIL care for your FIL when picking your son up on her days then?

mini being used for cover is totally normal in gained time- she was paid for this. She is asking OP to do her a favour when she isn't being paid, something a school would never ask her to do. Not the same thing at all. OP's colleague will be paid both times, OP only paid once.

Carers or bil

It's not so much the level of the favours exchanged. It's about the future, how will you go to more events for your son in school time? You need the good will of colleges that can help out.

omg are you going to add any more little details? perhaps a terminally ill cat that needs hand feeding?

When behavioural ecologists study altruism, individuals are assigned to one of 3 categories: recipricators, suckers and cheats. This applies to humans too. If your colleague is a recipricators she'll need a favour from you before she puts herself out again. If she's a sucker you'll be alright for a while yet.

Given your inconsistencies and missing info throughout the thread op I wonder if actually your just dramatising the whole episode. You say she seems put out by your response .... What has she actually said or done to lead you to believe this? Maybe she fully accepts your reply.

FFS.

I was asked a question and I answered it

Making a general point here, and going a little off topic from the OP's initial AIBU who has made her decision for, no doubt, the best possible reasons that I cannot argue with at all.

But my general point. 3 of my 4 children have sn. I am also a foster carer of another 2. Sometimes I think that as parents as our whole life 24/7 is dominated by our children's needs/appointments/therapies and making their lives as good as they can possibly be, but we can forget that other people have lives and issues and needs that are equally as important to them. I suppose what I have learnt over the years is to not be selfish, my children's sn do not trump someone else's plans. In the past I my have used their needs as an excuse, which on reflection is rather awful of me. And ironically although 2 of my children (now adult) would have suffered greatly from their routines being changed, taking the long term view those times have actually been benefical to them - though I would not have said that at the time. Hope this makes sense.

Thanks scary. I think I've finally got it (apologies again for completely not)

No worries mini the weirdness that is school PPA politics is probably worth a whole mumsnet board in itself. First week back and I've had numerous colleagues trying to suss out my timetable, and have known people in the past go through 16 members of staff's timetables and add up their free periods 🙀.

It's one of many reasons why schools are such weird places to work.

I'm still interested to hear what she said/did to make you think she was put out

leopard I agree with you. In the long game it doesn't benefit anyone to solely concentrate on the children.

Just reciprocate. You're finding plenty of excuses not to. Or don't ask a favour next time. Usually these things work on a two way mutual understanding...

So she asked you to cover her Friday afternoon because she knows you DON'T work on Friday afternoons?

Bullshit.

There's nothing wrong with being unable to return the favour as she's asked, but stop trying so hard.

Another question for those of you mentioning the OP having time off while being paid, why doesn't it bother you that the colleague is also taking time off without pay?

Since she enabled you to be paid for attending ds assembly, it seems fair to me that your repayment of the favour should be for a time when you are not normally paid. Otherwise you are being paid for doing no work. Maybe you could work out how much you have been overpaid and offer that back to the school to help pay for a cover supervisor's time to cover the time your colleague needs.