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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not help her?

376 replies

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 22:41

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 10/09/2016 11:39

DorothyL

As I see it you made the mistake of not putting enough information in the thread, and dripping through subsequent posts.

Having said that
YANBU to turn down this request
But YABU to not understand how big a favour your colleague did for you.

Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 12:07

You also seem to have decided, OP, that SLT would definitely have allowed you time off to go to your ds assembly (in which case why not ask SLT in the first place Hmm ) but that they wouldn't accept your colleague's request for time off.

You have no idea what might lie behind your colleague's weekend away. Maybe it's a reunion with significant family members. Maybe she's supporting someone who's had bad news. Maybe she's stressed and in desperate need of a recharge. These are all reasons she might have given in confidence to SLT.

Your attitude indicates you are very dismissive of other peoples situations, while being perfectly prepared to ask for favours to suit your own.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 12:38

Munster I did say that I would investigate if I can make your solution work.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 10/09/2016 12:57

Are you worried that you will never be able to ask a favour from her again?

Scarydinosaurs · 10/09/2016 13:00

I still don't think YABU. There must be other people with non-contact time or a PPA that she can ask. If we go to to SLT with a preorganised swap, we have more chance of it being approved (dependent on how frequently you ask for swaps).

Please don't worry about it anymore, OP. She will find someone else to swap with her, and there will inevitably be another opportunity for you to repay her a straightforward 'PPA cover' favour.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 10/09/2016 13:10

But your time would be paid as technically you have already been paid for work you did not do when you went to assembly.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/09/2016 13:43

mini and the person she is helping has been paid twice- still not fair whatever way you look at it.

surreycatlover · 10/09/2016 13:52

No one is mentioning that the sixth formers didn't get taught last summer and potentially year eight pupils aren't going to be taught a lesson.

They appear to be the ones losing out.

PotofGold1186 · 10/09/2016 14:21

Surrycat:
You don't know what the lesson was for the 6th formers. It could have been a drop in study session as opposed to them actually having to be taught.
Lets not make the massive leap to thinking the OP didn't actually think about her pupils. That's unfair.

marcopront · 10/09/2016 14:26

I am amazed at the number of people who would be willing to

  1. stay in work unpaid
  2. make their DH leave work early
  3. upset their child

Just to return a favour for a colleague who is doing something that is probably not acceptable. The OP said when she went to the assembly she had informed the cover supervisor, so it was not a major issue for the school.

Imaginosity · 10/09/2016 14:49

A lot of the reponses on this thread are strange.

My DS has autism so i understand the difficulty of sometimes needing to walk on eggshells to make life run smoothly for the whole family. I would feel anxious too about school drop offs and collection - it's hard seeing your child struggle with things. People who are lucky enough not to have these issues maybe lack understanding of how hard it is.

Also, not everyone can just get time off in work at the drop of a hat. The nature of some jobs is that a good bit of notice is required for annual leave. Or by asking repeatedly for half days here and there you are causing difficulties for yourself with management and your colleagues. It's not as simple as saying the OP's DH should just take the time off.

So if I do a favour for someone can I demand they repay it at a time that suits me - and get angry at them if they can't???? I dropped my friend's DS to school for 3 weeks while she was stuck. I did it to be nice - not because I expected to be repaid. When I did need a favour from her I made it clear that I really hoped it wasn't an inconvenience for her. I would feel awful if she put herself to great trouble to help me.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 10/09/2016 15:00

It's the sense of entitlement that irks me about the OP.
The woman did you a favour. You do not decide you cannot do it at all, nor do you decide her reason for needing the favour is less important than your reason.

Grrrr

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 15:01

A glimpse into my life for you- took ds today for the first time to an inclusive drama group, stayed with him to get him settled. He did really well there, but afterwards he screamed at me full pelt for 30 minutes, as well as hitting me. He is 10

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 15:04

Show me one post where I said her reason was less important??

OP posts:
PotofGold1186 · 10/09/2016 15:25

Flowers for you Dorothy, I say good on you for trying a new group even if it was difficult afterwards.

george1020 · 10/09/2016 15:30

FFS I said I was backing away but your post about how hard your day is has really pissed me off!

Nobody is saying you don't have a challenging time with a SN child. I have nothing but admiration for anyone coping with a SN child and everything that entails.
The reason people are saying you Abu is because you have happily had a favour from someone with no intention to pay it back (apart from a bit of photocopying) and not telling her beforehand you knew you wouldn't be able to be flexible in the way you returned the favour.

It also doesn't make sense to me that your OH is able to pick up your son as is your mother but can't do it on Friday to enable you to return the favour. (Actually you haven't bothered to ask them because how dare the woman ask for a favour that has not been 'equal' to yours)

What gives you the right to decide your time is more important than hers? You do not know her reasons for wanting the time off.

The whole problem with doing people favours is someone will always have their nose put out of joint. If you are asking someone else to put themselves out for you you have to be willing to do the same pretty much whenever they need the favour returned (obviously within reason) OR you have to make it very clear it will not be reciprocated to begin with.

SallyMcgally · 10/09/2016 15:39

OP has never said she wouldn't repay the favour at all. She's said she can't on this occasion. Doesn't mean she's decided her time is more important - it means she can't do it. And she's given those people on the thread who sneered at her worries about her DS an insight into why, for a SN child, this is a big deal, because people often just don't get it unless they know what it's like.

SallyMcgally · 10/09/2016 15:43

And someone doesn't always have to have their nose put out of joint for a favour. Lots and lots of favours are no trouble at all. And what rubbish that you have to be able to return the favour WHENEVER asked.

Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 15:51

Everyone you meet today is fighting a battle you no nothing about.

You might do well to remember that. Your challenging day doesn't mean that other people aren't facing their own, unseen challenges

Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 15:51

know

george1020 · 10/09/2016 15:58

Really? Most of the OPs posts have been made up of her saying how much more important her time is and how colleagues favour was so much bigger than hers.
Show me where anyone has sneered on this thread about her SN child? Because I think you'll find thats all in your head. Everyone has been suportive of the fact, just most think she could ask her DH or mother that usually pick him up anyway to do Friday.
You see if you tell someone you cannot return a favour when they have asked you too most of the time that person will think you have been unreasonable and for favours to work you have to be prepared to be flexible (as I said Within reason!)
Most will see she has Friday afternoon off, her DH or Mother usually pick up son anyway and will think she is being unreasonable not doing the favour.

george1020 · 10/09/2016 15:59

Sorry my post was to Sally

Headofthehive55 · 10/09/2016 16:13

Sometimes even with a sn child you have to do stuff that will make them unhappy. Other commitments, other children.

For those who think covering a lesson / study session with your own class is nothing and therefore didn't impact on her own time I think are very much mistaken. I did just that but instead of getting my own planning done I was asked for help in lots of other areas that I was teaching them! I think that makes it far worse!

I ended up taking the planning home. So yes it did impact.

SouthWindsWesterly · 10/09/2016 16:16

You have to work closely with this person as you both have 6th form groups, yes?

If you can arrange it then, get your DH or mum to pick DS up. Suck up the favour but only if it can be arranged. Far far better now to have one afternoon than to put up with grumpiness, resentful was and damaging a working relationship when she has already done you a favour. The last thing you need is a rotten working environment. If you can't cover this time, just explain you needed more notice.

Phineyj · 10/09/2016 16:48

I think if you cover unofficially in time you're not contracted, you're possibly not covered by the school's insurance. I also think SLT may be annoyed with both of you if they find out. I would say no for those reasons, although generally I'd try to reciprocate if I thought I'd need future favours.

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