to not help her?

[DorothyL]

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

With hindsight now I would have been much wiser to go through SLT who would probably have said yes. I asked colleague partly as well because we shared that sixth form group (sorry more dripfeeding!!)

Tbh why not feel encouraged when a significant minority here agrees with me?

I doubt she'll publicise it to colleagues because going off early for the weekend is rather frowned upon.

She probably won't do you a favor again; regardless of how the favors were or weren't comparable, if she is genuinely put out then she won't.

What makes you think she's really put out? Has she responded to you negatively or acted off? I only ask because sometimes when we feel guilty we project that response to make us feel worse when actually she may just be busy making alternative arrangements.

So what she did for you was nice but not a big favour ? - I thought it enabled you to attend your sons assembly?
You are under no obligation to return the favour but you do seem a bit me me me ..
I wouldn't plan on your colleague enabling you to attend any more of your sons school events in the future

george So, you would be happy to repay this favour on your afternoon off? You would stay at work all day when you are part time and usually finish at lunch time?
Subsequently, you would also be happy for your DH to lose take unpaid leave so that he could pick up DC instead of you?

You are a better person than I.

George- tbf the OP has now said she is willing to reciprocate in other ways (though I don't think she should suggest doing a bit of photocopying as pay back!)
And it would be unfair of the colleague to be snarky about this particular situation where the OP can't help
BUT I do think if the colleague picks up any sense of how dismissive the OP is about the fact she helped her out, then yes, I can see why she'd be pissed off.

It's not just the fact that the colleague 'sat in a room for 1 (?) or 2 (?) hours with a 6 form class... As I have tried to explain to the non teachers here, it's the fact she possibly saved the OP money (as the alternative might have been unpaid leave) or at the very least saved her from having to take an official leave for personal reasons .
Time off in schools is as rare as hens teeth. It always has a direct impact (on pupils, other staff) and therefore what the colleague did was worth quite a bit to the OP.

She may not publicise exactly what happened but if she is really put out which you can't tell from email I agree, she will tell people, it will just be vague with no details at least that's how it's always been where I work

reap what you sow

😄 Top tip OP! Don't drip feed! So this is HER group too??
What group does she want you to cover?

Elodie... was tongue in cheek! Sore point in our school!

Either way, this favour she has done you becomes less significant by the minute! She stood in for you with your shared class.
Go through SMT in future OP. Avoid these personal arrangements in future!

Yanbu she did you a favour during her working hours which didn't take any extra time from her or impact on any of her family members. She wants you to help her in your own time causing an impact on your child and husband. Not comparable at all. Favours don't always have to be yes, if you've explained you can't help this time then it's not like you've said no you can't ever help her.

Tiny - sore point I bet it is!!! I would be mad as hell if SMT had the 'bright' idea of starting new courses/year groups in July!

Sorryyyyyy

It's a group we share

But seriously, on the minimising thing

Her favour to me
Not having to give up time away from school
Paid
No impact on other

My favour to her
Giving up time away from school
Unpaid
Impact on two other people

Her lesson would be year 8, so no chance of getting on with some worj

But you were able to take paid time away from school thanks to her.

its your attitude, frankly, which will quickly lose you any goodwill at school. you can try to persuade all of mumsnet all day that you were practically doing her a favour, introducing more and more supposed detail, but your attitude to the favour she did you shines through, and presumably does in rl as well. thats what will stop future goodwill. if your email response showed any hint of it, it will be that that causes the problem, not the refusal itself

And you can't be sure it had no impact on her! Yes the favour she's asking is bigger but that doesn't mean you can dismiss the original favour which is how it reads at the moment.

Year 8 Friday afternoon is very different to being with her own 4 6th form students for an extra hour!!
Jeez OP. Don't give it another thought! Go and have a nice weekend!

OP you attitude is quite frankly shit.

There is just no reasoning with you and I'm backing away now.

The majority haven't agreed with you. If you ask a favour of someone you can't minimise it and only agree to do x,y and z if it happens to not impact you too much, that's the whole problem with doing favours.

Good luck with ever getting any help from your colleagues and if I were you I wouldn't be expecting a xmas card from any of them!

If you had just said at the beginning or explained, apologised and given colleague a bottle of wine when she asked you to reciprocate it would have been a whole other story but you are just drip feeding, twisting and minimising the story to make yourself feel better.

george You haven't answered my question up thread.
There are a lot of people on here who think the OP is NOT BU.

Yanbu originally. You can't help on this occasion and I'm sure while she will be miffed she will understand.

Your overall attitude though, seriously sucks and if I were a friend or colleague of yours I'd be making sure I never did you any favours ever. You clearly don't give other peoples needs the same heed as you give your own - its not up to you to try and justify yourself by saying their reason isn't as important as your reason or you'd have to put more effort in than they did. That is NOT how it works.

It doesn't matter what anyone says, the OP will think she's right and anyone who disagrees with her is wrong.

She may not be able to do this favour for her colleague, but her big mistake (aside from her attitude) was when asking her colleague for the favour last year, should have immediately said when she would reciprocate. 'If you can do this for me, I'll watch your group next Thursday'. I doubt the OP had any intention of every helping her colleague out at any point.

Her favour to you OP:

• enabled you to take PAID time off, without it being recorded as a personal absence, which, as you are a teacher, you should realise is as rare as hen's teeth. You are determined to persist in minimising your colleague's favour.

And it would be really helpful if you would respond to my solution- why don't you spare the time to find another colleague (let's call them B) who has non contact time on Friday afternoon and suggest to the Colleague who did your favour (let's call her A) , that she negotiates with them to cover her class? Then you pay back colleague B by covering her lesson when you're in school anyway? Win win.

The only reason why this might not be workable is if colleague B feels Uncomfortable about covering lessons informally without going through the usual process. And if that is the case, it adds another whole layer to your op....

George and Midnite yes you're both right. OP is one of those AIBU posters that won't be told otherwise so replying to her is pointless.

No doubt she'll not be very popular at work with behaviour like this.

I've read half of the thread. Don't repay the favour if you don't want to but never ask for a favour again.

There's a proportion in our office who no one will help because they think their time is more important. Well they've shot themselves in the foot by passing everyone off.