to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

DropYourSword - how was I being rude? I said "most likely", not "definitely" would have been able to continue breastfeeding. Less than 5% of women cannot breastfeed, that is a fact. So 95% of women CAN actually breastfeed, with the right support. It sounds like you were one of those 5% - you shouldn't feel like you failed or feel guilty.

As for the guilt for those who either tried to breastfeed and it didn't work out - stop wasting your energy feeling guilty, it is pointless. Instead, be angry that you didn't get the right support to help you.

I think you may have been very unlucky with your experience as I didn't breastfeed, but everyone I've come into contact with - midwives, health visitors and doctors, have all been very supportive and it's not been a problem at all.
I agree there is a lot of focus on breastfeeding but I don't feel this is any kind of bullying tactic - it's just to support breastfeeding mums.
I would honestly let it go, stop letting it take up so much of your thoughts and enjoy your new baby.

Our frustration should not be aimed at each other, or at individual HCPs, but at the underfunding of appropriate support for women feeding their babies, whether that's struggling BFers or people like me, struggling to afford hugely expensive formula, when I am unable to feed through no fault of my own.

Can we nationalise formula companies?

I agree that FF mothers are marginalised.

How are 98% of mothers "marginalised"???

If women really were bullied into breastfeeding, we wouldn't have one of the lowest rates of bf in the world. The government are obviously really bad at bullying. Perhaps they should take some tips from those FF mums who shoot down anyone who dares to suggest BF might be better for the baby?

The issue imo is the lack of community and the lack of support for new mothers. I use a large parenting group on Facebook and even here too, I see lots of posts about how to make up bottles, which bottles to use, how to continue breastfeeding, how to stop breastfeeding gradually at an appropriate age etc. The really travesty here is that all parents appear to be unsupported and either can't access or don't trust official sources of information.

Hard to let go if the nhs makes you feel like a failure. But you do have to let it go. I only get angry about it now when I read mn posts that don't stray to far from victim blaming. And then I let it go and get on with having fun with my dd. Because I am not a failure.

It was too much of an over the top rant for me to read it all but just want to say that in my view the main issue is that bf is sooo depressingly low in the UK something needs to be done about it. The techniques are not always the best and it depends on how it is delivered but I can't see any bullying going on. The real problem is the lack of support for bf women. We need to focus on that. 99% of mothers can bf and the vast majority wants to bf. But this is not reflected in the bf stats. That is the real problem.
I want to make one thing clear too which I think is very important: bf is not better or healthier than ff, bf is normal and it is ff which carries risks. We need to start talking about pros and cons of bf/ff in my view and focus on the risks of ff. But that's my view.
Other than that ever mw/hv is different. Some have looked at me funny for bf past 6 months or co-sleeping...I let it wash, it's my choice. An informed choice.
also in today's society ppl seem less and less able to take responsibility for their own choices in life... but thats a different topic altogether.

Oops means to write 'we need to STOP talking about 'pros and cons''

To the people advocating the breast feeding groups... If you're feeling vulnerable, struggling and utterly overwhelmed then a group of exclusively breastfeeding mothers is not necessarily the place you want to go. I went once. I felt like a failure and the 'expert' just went on and on about how awful formula is and disgusting it is blah blah blah. How I should just sit for 20 hours a day feeding until I could get it right.

So perhaps I don't feel angry that I failed, I feel angry that there is no proper support. No one to say 'it's ok' - just endless 'try harder'.

Places like mumsnet don't help either with all the crowing about how they did it for years with no trouble and the blaming culture and lack of support and empathy for women. I expect most forget how utterly terrifying, confusing and strange those first few months are. Such a shame it seems people have forgotten how to support.

I'll never forget the 'friend' when I had to end a phone call as I had forgotten to make up the milk (it had got late and bottles to wash) who said smugly 'that's why I CHOSE to BF- it's so much easier. And I bet you thought you had the easier route making up fake milk'

I'm leaving this here now. It will go in circles forever.

I'll never forget the 'friend' when I had to end a phone call as I had forgotten to make up the milk (it had got late and bottles to wash) who said smugly 'that's why I CHOSE to BF- it's so much easier. And I bet you thought you had the easier route making up fake milk

There's always a few of these WTF anecdotes on these threads, I mean, what kind of sociopath friend says that?? I hope people realise most sane rational people are not like that. There might be a minority of passionate lactivists but most women are just trying to do what's best for them and their baby and couldn't give two hoots about how others feed theirs.

Glue your friend is a massive twat.

I have found on mumsnet it seems to be a very 'all or nothing' thing. I am BFing at the moment but will transition soon to formula when DS is around 6 months due to going back to work. Before I found mumsnet, I would have felt great about this and really proud of myself. Now I feel slightly guilty as (even though I know this is not the case in real life!) it is very much made out that loads of people feed toddlers. I identify as a 'breastfeeding mum' but not sure whether I would be classified as a 'success' by the NHS for EBF for 4 mths plus another 2-3 months of mostly BFing and transitioning. The best BF counsellor I spoke to said, one feed is better than none, a week is better than a day etc etc. She was fab and made no judgement of parents at all. Probably some of the reason I carried on. It is never acknowledged anywhere about the practical difficulties of BFing beyond 6 mths e.g. if you are going back to work you're told 'just express'. No way I could do that in my job and I really shouldn't be thought of as a 'bad mother' because of it. I do wonder what happened when people had much shorter mat leaves- surely if you went back at 3 months or so you'd have to give formula? Not seen any stats on this.

I didn't breastfeed my first and not intending on breastfeeding my second not because I can't but because I don't want to.

I've never felt "bullied" into it. In fact whenever I've been asked and given my answer nobody has ever commented on it.

If a friend or family member commented they'd be told to bolt. It's nobody's business but mine.

I find it odd that people would comment on how someone chooses to feed their child.

Really though, who gives a fuck how other people feed so long as a baby is fed? It's nobody else's business how I feed my child.

Yabvfu. I was coerced at my most vulnerable to give my dd formula. Whichever way we feed our children we can claim to feel bullied. Pointing out the clear and scientifically proven benefits of bf is not bullying.

tappitytaptap - you need to do what is right for you but FWIW i went back to work when my first one was 5.5 months, used to express once a day (took me 5-10 minutes) but it was pretty useless as my girl would not take from a bottle (or any other container). She did get some expressed milk (also had a stash in the freezer but again since it as never needed I ended up donating it all anyway) but in the main she just did without during the day and would make up for it as night. I had a busy job working from 7.30am to 6pm (thankfully short commute) and it worked. By 9-12 months I stopped expressing altogether since it was pointless and since she was starting talking other food etc it was not needed. So do not think formula is the only option, far from it.

I also find it slight annoying the way the word bullying is branded about whenever someone expresses a differing nowadays. Bullying is wrong and should not be condoned but we should also recognise what is real bullying and what is just..well life!

frogers - whilst I would not directly comment on how someone feed their child, it is not just a mother's business per say, it is a wider issue for society as ff creates significant health risks and issues which have to be addressed, to some extent, by all of us. So it is not just an individual choice. But of course it is primarily that.

Ultimately if someone chooses not to bf this is their choice. If only people who made that informed decision went onto formula they would be the small minority and that is where the problem lies. Most mothers want to bf but do not get the right information or support.

Part of why I persevered with my first one is that I had absolutely zero knowledge or info about formula feeding and given how exhausted I was I had no intention on finding out. I was in pain, exhausted and very much struggling but it seemed "easier" overall to continue what I had started. And I am very much glad. So I do think the information given should be about bf. If bf does not work then ff should be treated as a substitute for it and appropriate information given upon request. No need to judge mothers deciding to ff as part of that process of course.

oblada significant health risks? Evidence?

Good to see that journalists are still able to generate discussion on mumsnet.

Hi daily mail!

Champagne - what kind of evidence do you want exactly? It is very well documented that ff creates/increases many health risks for both mother and baby... I would not have thought this was actually a controversial statement...

Oblada thanks. I probably should have mentioned my massive hatred of expressing (I suspect stemming from DS being in NICU and setting 3 hourly alarms to express!) and the fact I am pretty happy personally to give formula as I'm comfortable with the miniscule differences in outcomes and the fact he's had BM for what I feel is the most important period.
I was formula fed myself and had no expectations around being able to BF as my mum couldn't. I was absolutely thrilled when after our tough start I was able to and carried on through bleeding nipples and DS throwing up my blood. If I'd not have encountered mumsnet and other internet forums I'd have been so proud of myself. As it is I feel a bit guilty, which I think is really sad!

As for evidence, I firmly believe that the studies can't remove other factors to be a fair test. It seems obvious to me that the mothers who try and breastfeed are also more likely to possess other advantages tl a child, level of education, involvement in child's schooling etc. DH and I had very similar backgrounds in that way. He was BF and I was FF. We met at one of the best universities in the country and are both rarely ill. I can't get too worked up about DS 'only' having 7 months of breastmilk!
.

You're right, you have done it for 6 months, its fab already! And expressing is definitely a pain! Barely bothered with it with DD2 but went back to work later so it worked out fine!

I was formula fed too as my mother was invited to a holiday with a colleague and felt too 'shy' to bf!! ha well! Thankfully my MIL had bf her boys (much more normal in her culture as well) so her support was invaluable (my mother's too but it did not 'mean' as much). I am not sure why I 'decided' to bf, there was no decision involved, it just seemed normal to me...(even though I had actually never seen anyone bf in my family... at least I dont think so!)

I am not sure I could agree with you on the minuscule differences in outcomes... Well I am sure I don't agree but hey ho :)

Oblada, out of interest, what do you think the big differences are? I had quite strong feelings about DS having the colostrum but not about BFing for the longer term.

tappitytap - To me it is not about opinion or my own views but the research on it and it is documented in a many reliable books/websites. Fair enough a lot of studies focus on 6 months mark but some do not and the WHO does recommend 2 years (and indeed beyond).

For bf I feel quite comfortable that longer is better (and not just marginally, it is better) for two reasons: the scientific research on it (I take your point about other factors but I am not convinced, my family was very much middle class, highly intelligent and they ff me and my brother still...) and the natural 'norm' historically which would have been in favour of extended breastfeeding (until Nestle and equivalent started sticking their noses in - ff has definitely a place in society but they have created a much bigger place than they should in my view).

There are also practical considerations having bf my children (under 5 years for one, and this is combined with a busy FT job, I am very much career motivated, and the other is 2 and going on) in terms of dealing with illnesses, trauma, travels...

But you are right to some extent to say that since you are living in a developed country, with a relatively high lifestyle (compared to the rest of the world I am not saying I know what is in your bank account ;)), having bf your child for 6 months is already great and in the main it may not make much of a difference to you or him going forward. But I would not consider the differences to be 'minuscules''. And of course you cannot predict it. Bf does reduces certain cancer rates for instance but again it may never touch certain ppl in the first place...Same with asthma, obesity, speech problems (I did have that actually, who knows what would have happened if I had been bf haha) etc

Personally we have no asthma/eczema etc in the family. Of those who I know who do, it seems to be handed down regardless of feeding method. The one thing I will miss is ability to comfort via BFing but he'll just have to make do with a cuddle