to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

This issue is never going to go away. Breastfeeding rates are really quite low in this country, what is the best way to encourage and normalise breastfeeding without offending women who ff? I'm actually not sure there is one.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here

I suspect it's the implication that mothers who breastfeed are doing it because they are bullied and brainwashed and that she talks about "government ploys to force women into breastfeeding"

Personally, I find the implication that I was brainwashed, bullied and forced into breastfeeding deeply offensive.

The reality is that formula feeding is also shoved down people's throats all the time. Babies on TV are always bottle fed, formula adverts are in magazines and on TV and all imply that we should be moving on from breastfeeding once our babies reach 6 months old.

How about all the "bitty" jokes about breastfeeding an older baby? I imagine many mothers experience or perceive judgement when breastfeeding their baby in public - you don't get many (any?) stories in the papers about bottle feeding mothers being moved on.

In reality, both sides are "judged" or feel judged.

Here's all the pro-BF posts translated:*
*
OP, I don't believe that people struggle to breastfeed...*

What a load or utter bollocks.*

I've only read up to last night (sleeping and all) and that is NOT the case at all. Sweeping statements like this don't help anyone. You're the human bloody equivalent of the Daily Fail.

Sorry, should have read:

Here's all the pro-BF posts translated:* *

OP, I don't believe that people struggle to breastfeed...

I've only read up to last night (sleeping and all) and that is NOT the case at all. Sweeping statements like this don't help anyone. You're the human bloody equivalent of the Daily Fail.

Am I right in thinking that the bullying government funds formula for those who cannot afford it, regardless of the reason why they feed the baby formula?

There are some mothers who use formula milk because they are physically unable to breastfeed or are taking medication that means they can't. There are some mothers who formula feed just because they want to. Both of these are all fine and good.

However, there are a lot of women who use formula because they have been failed by the system - those who want to breastfeed but due to a lack of support have been unable to. This is not fine and good because every mother who wants to breastfeed and has no medical reason not to should be helped to achieve that and it isn't their fault that they have not received that support. DS1 was 10lbs at birth - I fully understand that struggle! I was lucky that I got the support I needed to get me through. If I hadn't, he would have been bottle fed.

I don't judge bottle feeding mothers - that would mean I have to judge my own mother who bottle fed me and my siblings from birth.

Julju I was just making the subtext of some of the nastier posts easier to see. The shaming of women is very Daily Fail. I find is horrifying that a clearing traumatised and upset mother is harassed on this parenting site because she has the audacity to be truthful about her BF experience.

Soup Lay off her. She is not saying everyone is brainwashed. Just that people feel pressured. You didn't. Amazing. Good for you. She did. Be a bit supportive.

I had sympathy with op struggling to breastfeed until I read she could have accessed bf support workers and groups (not available in every area) but turned this down. Surely if you wanted to bf as you said you would have accessed this support?? And maybe there's a big drive towards breastfeeding cos the UK has the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world?? I find there's more social stigma and bullying women towards formula feeding rather than bf, although do understand it depends what area you live in.

I wanted to BF. I was all ready - family fully supportive. My health nose dived after my dd's birth. 3 years later docs diagnosed me with ms - I got an infection due to poor maternity practices and it triggered a relapse. I struggled to BF. Really struggled not knowing what was wrong with me. I'm sure they didn't intend to but midwives and hvs made me feel like a total failure as.a mum. I felt bullied and ground down. If they had spent more time supporting me and less time doing cats bum faces at me when I was struggling with Bf I might have got the help I needed I might have been diagnosed earlier.
It felt like I was bullied. Sorry if that offends anyone's sensibilities.

Surely you consider all types of health promotion and public health initiatives to be bullying too then
Sorry op but whether you like it or not the government has a responsibility to educate the public on the healthiest choices for themselves and their children it's then your choice whether you follow this information or not.
I'm very pro- bf but I would never judge someone who ff there can be so many factors that affect whether people bf or not and its a personal choice.
Judgement of others and health promotion at a national level are 2 completely different things op I'm sorry if you've felt judged for making a personal choice but that doesn't mean that the push on bf education is somehow wrong.

Soup Lay off her. She is not saying everyone is brainwashed. Just that people feel pressured.

That's your take on it. Mine is different. I did find it insulting and offensive so lay off.

I was just making the subtext of some of the nastier posts easier to see.

Which you attributed to all breastfeeding mothers which is offensive and insulting. It's quite clear, you used the phrase "All pro breastfeeding posts"

It should be perfectly possible to make a point without hurling insults at the "other side"

And on that note, I am out.

I'm sorry but breastfeeding is actually the healthier option. Just because formula is not "poison" as some people think it also doesn't mean it is nutritionally best for a baby. Human breastmilk is made for babies.

Although there are milk substitutes available for an abandoned baby animal you would never stop an animal from feeding their young their milk if they were able to do so.

As I said before I'm not a formula hater because I've done it both ways but OP YABU, just because you found that breastfeeding wasn't the choice for you it doesn't mean you were bullied by the healthcare industry. You should however discuss your feelings with your local HV team and make sure they know they didn't properly support you in BFing or in your transition to FF. They have a duty of care to you and didn't seem supportive.

I do understand the emotion behind the letter, but I think you are aiming in the wrong direction. I don't think there's bullying involved

I "failed" to breastfeed and felt shit and guilty about it. I got over that when I realised that I was doing my best. The best I could do with the emotional and physical resources I had at the time.

What made me angry is the lack of concrete support, right there at the start, in the hospital to help establish breastfeeding.

I agree that it should be encouraged, but I disagree that there's no help with bottle feeding (bottle feeding is not rocket science).

I agree that to imply that bottle-feeding, on an individual basis, is damaging to your child is rubbish.

To summarise:

I'd like HCPs to say that breastfeeding has benefits, and be honest about what they are. And to HELP people to breastfeed (IF THEY WANT TO), and to leave people alone if they don't want to.

For anyone who has made the decision to stop breastfeeding and is struggling - this issue will pale into insignificance when you realise that your parenting is a long road and what you feed them first of all is just one part of that.

Cosmic

That isn't what you wrote and you know it. You were very clearly helpfully generalising all the "pro-BF" posts and your comment was reductive and silly.

You have absolutely know idea what experience people have (first or second hand) of BF or FF and contributions like yours don't help anybody - least of all the women you're here to white knight.

BF is an emotive topic. OP's post (quite rightly) concerns people who are working hard to try to normalise and destigmatise breastfeeding, and people who feel that when there's an (albeit imperfect) movement towards promoting breastfeeding that some of the claims she's made should be challenged.

People feel pressured to both FF and BF though.

The lack of cultural support for BF whereby the new norms around routine and cot sleeping and 3 -4 hour feed gaps considered the norm by many. The literal bombardment with follow on milk advertisement on TV, Facebook and especially here on MN. 99% of baby feeding on TV/movies showing FF. Then there is the fact that the vast majority of babies are actually FF at any one time. These all resoundly support a FF culture. The one, admittedly loud voice countering all of this is government health promotion and BF promotion and unlike the life long exposure to FF culture that people get, the health promotion is targeted during pregnancy. These people get labelled breastapo and BF nazis all the time just because people cannot see just how strong the FF culture is because it is so omnipresent they become immune to it.

The irony of saying BF is rammed down our throat is massively lost in a world that shoves FF down our throat for our entire lives and more specifically using targeted ads online during our child bearing years.

I felt very supported in actual FF but I did feel the guilt at doing the second best thing for my babies. I was completely at a loss when I was breastfeeding due to abymsal lack of knowledge around good BF practice.

d like HCPs to say that breastfeeding has benefits, and be honest about what they are. And to HELP people to breastfeed (IF THEY WANT TO), and to leave people alone if they don't want tO

Issue is that many people have never seen breastfeeding. I hadn't. All my relatives had bottle fed, and thought bf "unhygenic", and got so caught up in how much the baby had had, and how could you tell if your milk was "rich" enough, etc. Then I had friends and aquaintences who also bottle fed, with reason varying from "eugh, its disgusting", to not being able to get tits out in public, but their dh/mum/great aunty wanted to feed the baby...

And those are just the ones that "didn't want to", I'm not counting those who tried, but gave up due to lack of support and/or bad advice.

Bf is not the norm in this country and we are fighting a losing battle attempting to get rates up. Breastfeeding is fucking hard, and I needed my stubborn gene big time to persevere through everyone telling me to ff, and go easy on myself.

I don't think it's as simple as wanting to bf or not.

I think it's awful that the UKs problem with breastfeeding, and we do have one, is shut down every time by FFs taking offence and getting upset. Saying people should have more support to enable them to breastfeed is not implying that people who choose not to are somehow lesser or wrong, or that people who can't have failed.

I am still breastfeeding my 18 month old. Nobody in my family has ever breastfed and like previous posters have experienced people wanting to give him formula straight away, people asking when I'm going to stop and so on. The look on my sisters face when I first said k planned to was a very judges and disgusted one, followed by a lovely comment about how I shouldn't do it because my boobs will go saggy.

I understand that some health visitors and midwives can put pressure on new mums to breastfeed. I understand that some health visitors and midwives don't offer enough support to new mums who want to breastfeed. At 9 months old I was told by a health visitor that it was about time I stopped breastfeeding as he's not getting much for it anymore. Last month I mentioned to one as he got weighed that DS has been feeding more because it's been hot and he's not been eating as much food as usual. I was told that I was being ridiculous to still breastfeed at this age and that I should concentrate on getting "the good stuff" down him like food or even those puréed fruit pots. I went and complained about that HV straight away.

My midwife was amazing at giving me all the info around breastfeeding in a way that encouraged me but also didn't make me feel like I had to, I knew it was a personal choice. A friend of mine is pregnant and when I mentioned I had an unused breast pump for her if she was planning on breastfeeding she said she didn't want to because formula is the same as breast milk and at least her DH could fed the baby. This was told to her by a midwife at her latest appointment. I told her a few benefits of breastfeeding and she was really excited about trying.

Never had ff shoved down my throat and, had everything been ok, I would have had no problem with mw and hv talking about Bf as the first option. The hcp cannot deal with anyone who isn't text book and is too busy to bother helping. Which is the real tragedy.
Those pp who said that you can't really want to BF if you don't try harder to help are frankly, shocking. Why make blame for a vulnerable person when they struggle?

To get help, I meant.

I formula fed because I had no choice due to my nose diving health after dd was born. I am not a "formula feeder". I am not an advocate for formula feeding. It was formula or she died because I couldn't feed her. But all the mws and hvs I dealt with had no time for me if I fell into formula feeding.

OP I think YANBU, if you're still reading. Yes breast is best etc, but I do think it feels like bullying a lot of the time. If the NHS wants people to breastfeed it should make more trained breastfeeding supporters available, rather than endless leaflets and posters and HCPs who won't even acknowledge bottle feeding. I 100% wanted to breastfeed but the advice and "support" I got in hospital was very poor.

Who came up with the advantage points thing anyway? It's just mad. As if anyone would ever decide to formula feed so they could get loyalty points. It's insulting.

Thank you 29.