to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

SO now we have posters saying that it is generally well educated middle class women who favour breast feeding in this country? FFS!

tappitytap I'm aiming my comment at you in particular
It seems obvious to me that the mothers who try and breastfeed are also more likely to possess other advantages tl a child, level of education, involvement in child's schooling etc

So are you saying FF children have mothers who don't get involved in their school lives either or are less interested generally in their children?... I've heard it all now.

Ready steady baby is a pregnancy, birth and childcare guide given out free in Scotland - the OP complains about the amount of breastfeeding info (6 pages) versus formula feeding info (4 pages)

Mine was accompanied by a 60-something page guide, 'Off to a Good Start - All you need to know about breastfeeding'. So on balance, it's not a 2 page difference.

Interesting how a thread that starts off with someone saying how angry and frustrated they were over the way BF is pushed by hcp s with no proper support for Mums who struggle turns into a thread setting out all the usual guilt trip stuff. I KNOW all the benefits of BF. I would have loved to continue because I KNOW all the benefits. But I and others struggled/ struggle with no support from hcps just guilt tripping. You don't help with the struggle by trotting out more guilt trip arguments. That's not how you help people. That's how you alienate them even more.

now we have posters saying that it is generally well educated middle class women who favour breast feeding in this country? shock FFS!

I thought the stats showed this to be true?

Simply a matter of middle class/ more educated women being able to access help more easily- internet sites like kellymom for example, and find numbers for lll etc.

If you don't have the education or access to know how to find help and research bf, help via hv/mw and the nhs is sadly lacking.

Add to that their mums/grans etc are likely to be from a generation where weetabix and rusks in bottles was the norm for non sleeping babies, without access to current weaning research you'll think it's Ok...

Not at all Topaz. I think its widely acknowledged BF is more likely to be initiated by those who are generally more concerned about education etc. As another poster said, this has been proved. No one is saying that FF mothers are somehow less concerned about these things at all. Just that middle class mothers are probably more likely to try, be able to access support, have friends who BF etc.

I had the reverse. Midwife bullied me into giving Dd1 a bottle as I was apparently starving her.she claimed she was jaundiced. Wish I had been offered the support which is now available.

O and my working class mum breastfed us all. Doubt she could have afforded formula.

My main reason for BF was that I was too lazy to bother with making bottles and enjoyed having a good excuse to sit around watching TV. No moral high-ground there. If the support I got when I needed it hadn't been there I would have FF without a qualm (though with much grumbling about preparing feeds no doubt). But then I don't care about other people's opinions about my choices.
The point about bullying is that it is to do with individual HCPs and their professional and social skills. They are not 'Angels' they are people with differing beliefs and behaviours. Some of them are incredible, most of them are good at what they do and good at communicating, Some of them do bully, I've experienced it and seen it happen. If they are bullying then they need training and educating or if necessary disciplining. It's not acceptable in any context.

BF - both initiation and maintenance of it - is massively correlated with age, education and social class. I'm amazed that this is something ppl take offence at. BF is a socially and culturally mediated behaviour. Of course it is! This is the case throughout history and throughout the world.

The stats are in the Uk's infant feeding surveys, all available on the web.

It's for this reason that observational research has to control for social, educational, economic factors.

It's also a reason for some women feeling marginalised. 98 per cent of mothers use formula at some stage, so it seems bizarre to think they are marginalised...but if you are from a social milieu in which everyone at least starts off BF, and you have a rotten experience, and you switch to formula, you can feel unusual and unsupported.

And if you BF, but are from a background where BF is seen as weird and even disgusting, then the same feelings ( unusual, unsupported) may apply.

tappitytapYou have contradicted yourself in your post viz:-
"I think its widely acknowledged BF is more likely to be initiated by those who are generally more concerned about education "
and
"No one is saying that FF mothers are somehow less concerned about these things at all. "

No stats as far as I know on whether ff or BF mothers are more concerned about their children's education. Common sense would suggest there's no discernible difference.

But mothers with more formal education are more likely to BF.

That's just the stats, not a moral judgement!

Sorry I'm not actually sure what you expect this letter to achieve? To stop telling mother facts? Stop supporting mothers and babies in the best choice for them? FFS, BF rates are shit in the UK, as is support for BF mothers (and before someone says 'what about FF mothers', establishing BF doesn't com with clear instructions on a box, it's harder to establish). Let's not make those rates any lower ey? If you don't wanna BF, don't BF, but don't have a personal agenda to change it for everyone else.

Personally I felt bullied into FF from a young age by HCPs,it was my choice to continue to BF and it was the right one.

Have one of these

tiktok You are amazed that people take offence at being told ( that) formula feeders are less well educated, care less about the education of their children etc.

I'm amazed that you are amazed. And that you are patronising holier than thou to boot.

Also it is true about the middle-class women more likely to BF, people are just stating facts I'm not sure why someone would take offence to this?

No. I am amazed that people do not know that there is a powerful social and cultural element in whether a mother breastfeeds or not, and that they take offence at the idea ( given they presumably have eyes and ears to see the world about them).

I am not amazed that people take offence at the mad idea that mothers differ in their concern for their children's education, according to how they fed them.

So if you read what I actually said, I was not being patronising at all :)

I might be now, of course, but you deserve it ;)

I can relate to how you feel. My baby came early, was very little and we really struggled getting a latch and then had problems as she didn't swallow the milk once latched on. We switched to FF and everything got so much better for both of us. I probably wouldn't spend your energy writing letters but work on why you feel (unnecessarily) guilty. FWIW not bf meant I was happier, better rested, bonded well with my daughter and I have thoroughly enjoyed those precious early months with her. I didn't feel that way for the three weeks we were trying to bf and struggling. Please ignore any judgement from other mothers. The best piece of advice I have received as a mum is that unless you have completely nailed the tricky job of parenting, never judge another mother.

tiktok crikey I have re read your post & I must apologise. You actually did say Common sense would suggest there's no discernible difference.

Sorry my common sense has gone awol today.

Pinkiofpie - when the HV came out to visit, my mum was also there and she asked if she had breastfed (she had and I do) and she said that in her experience around 90% of middle class mums start off breastfeeding, and that in general women do what their mums did. That's my anecdata anyway.

Tiktok has said what I was trying to say in a much better way. I DO NOT think FF mothers are less educated, just that the stats bear out that middle class mothers are more likely to try BF and be supported in BF. I have no agenda, as I have said many times my DS has had formula! The only reason I mentioned it is that I think that is a major flaw in many studies...you are only controlling for the BF/FF element in outcomes, and not for example, when looking at IQ, at the educational level reached by parents. For me, that sort of thing stands out as being a huge factor in what a child's IQ might be, much more so than method of feeding. Obviously those studies can't be carried out for ethical reasons as you can't tell a bunch of women not to BF who might want to or vice versa.

tappity -I understand where you are coming from. I just took umbrage at the perception that FF means less interest in child's education etc. Fwiw I understand what you are saying about outcomes & that they cannot wholly be attributed to BF.

My dc are far better educated than I was, it was common for working class women of my generation to leave school and get a good job with just O levels.
I'm still working class but we own our house outright & have no debt whatsoever. My main aim for my grown up children is happiness and being comfortable with their choices. Obviously a good career is a bonus, but not the be all and end all.
Whoops I have veered right off topic there, sorry OP (&anyone else)

Sorry if that is what you thought I meant. It was more the other way round, if you are invested in child's education etc you are statistically more likely to try BF - just a fact. I have very middle class friends who have FF and not tried to BF, it is clearly not an exact science. I personally felt more pressure to BF having gone to NCT classes than anything else! They acted like it was the only way to do it. I was pretty hacked off at that to be honest. Though they also seem to think natural childbirth is the only way and half my group had an EMCS, me included.

BF didn't work out for us and we ended up FF. I feel that all the pressure was put on me by myself, and like tappity also by NCT. I always mentally prepared to fight my corner when I told HV or GP that we were using formula and not one has ever passed judgment or said anything other than 'she's doing well and clearly happy, don't worry' type reassurances when I tended to babble about how we'd tried and failed to BF.

I struggled to BF child 1 and ended up FF. People were pretty vile to me about it.

I BF child 2. They were a bottle refuser. People were vile about that.
Said that I'd tried to force a bottle on the baby and made them 'mouth adverse' (I hadn't and they weren't).

My conclusion? Bullies are bullies and will find a way to be vile what ever you do.

frogers - whilst I would not directly comment on how someone feed their child, it is not just a mother's business per say, it is a wider issue for society as ff creates significant health risks and issues which have to be addressed, to some extent, by all of us. So it is not just an individual choice. But of course it is primarily that.

Nope sorry, it's an individual choice and it always will be as it should be. It's my body and I decide what I do and do not wish to do with it. Nobody else including my partner gets any say in this.

Whilst you may not think it should be 100% an individuals choice, nothing will ever change that it is. That's not to say that, as with all choice people will not or can not sway a decision or coerce them. IMHO the best way forward is to have information available and leave women to make up their own mind.