to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

You actually took my comment the wrong way liz, I meant new mothers as a whole.

I repeat, what the OP may perceive as "bullying" really just sounds to me like standard breastfeeding promotion. But if you're really trying to suggest that the efforts of health care staff to promote breastfeeding are actually comparable to school bullying, then crack on yourself.

And no, it's really good of you to just assume that because you've had an okay experience that it's just because you're robust and everyone else just isn't capable of dealing

Bullying is bullying. If it makes someone feel vulnerable, afraid, worried.. it doesn't matter where it's come from. I'm a HCP myself and if I heard of women under my care feeling bullied I certainly wouldn't be making excuses like you are and trying to suggest it's a personality issue. This is not an isolated issue, it is being spoken about enough that it warrants a frank discussion at how we approach this.

Okay, maybe you weren't making that comparison. But the point I'm trying to make is I don't think that the OP is being bullied. The health care staff are just doing one of their jobs, which is to promote breastfeeding. If she feels that someone has displayed a bad attitude towards her, then she should complain. But I doubt that they're all intent on making the OP feel inadequate - I really do think that a lot of that is down to her perception. And if adopting a tougher, "sod it" attitude makes it easier to deal with these situations, then I don't think that is a bad thing. It isn't about "victim blaming". It's about getting through life with as little stress and angst as possible, because new mothers have enough to worry about as it is.

But the point is in doing their jobs they are coming across as being gung ho and pressuring people.

Like I said I'm a HCP and I can honestly say I will support HCP's 100% but there is problems with this. We aren't infallible and when it's something as emotive as breastfeeding people can be pushy.

Didn't want to get into this but I was pregnant, but I lost my baby. I was only a few months along when the feeding question was asked and I myself was extremely shocked by some of the breastfeeding 'education'. I'm sure it's fabulous in a lot of places and I'm sure people are given brilliant support, and information to make an informed decision, but what I was recieveing was an almost indoctrination sort of experience. I'm well versed in it all, so asked questions, questions that if they dared not show breastfeeding in all it's glory were sneered at. I'm not the sort who accepts people being twats or feels bullied, I AM a 'sod it' person, but I could honestly see why people would feel pressured.

And when I got pregnant later with DS I completely just fucked it all off and didn't even involve myself with it all because I wasn't having a repeat, not after what I'd been through.

Your hv probably assumed that, because you started breast feeding, you wanted to breast feed and was offering additional support.

I wanted to breastfeed. Struggled massively. From hospital to HV I was never offered any support. By the time DP and I decided enough was enough, we were going to switch to bottle as DS literally hadn't had any nourishment (not to mention the toll it took on me), even the HV agreed.

I still felt like a failure and was made to explain myself. At every appointment I went to up until weaning age.

Your local government representatives don't set medical policy. So you're shouting into the wind. Yes I think there is enormous pressure on women to breast feed - I managed it with twins but it took a hell of a lot. It's not like formula is poison and I think, in the long run, when all other variables are taken into consideration, the difference in life outcomes between bf and Ff babies must be minute if at all measurable. I'd move on, time is too short and this is one brief moment in your mothering life

See this is the kind of topic which is hugely divisive because everyone has a different experience and emotional meaning with this.

DD1 - felt massive pressure to BF, gave it a go for 17 weeks, loved it but didn't get much support and sadly lost confidence and then decided to switch to formula. It was the right decision for us but at the time I felt guilty.

Dd2 still BFing so far, much easier experience but still tough in its own way, no plans to stop.

I've moved areas between the girls though and the resources and support available in different areas is very varied.

BFing takes an extreme amount of hard work, it can be painful, lonely and difficult. Support and promotion is required as the rates of babies being fed beyond 6 weeks is extremely low in the UK compared to the rest of the world because of societal pressure to have a baby who sleeps all night.

Formula feeding has a wide market and to stop the companies from preying on parents with biased or misguiding advertising and marketing campaigns strict laws are in place. This is a positive thing.

I haven't had time to read this entire thread so I don't know how much of this is a repeat but OP, don't send that letter (if it's real and not just a way of starting a monumental bun fight) , it's an area by area lottery and public health are in charge not local authorities and HV's vary hugely.

I fully agree with the OP.

I exclusively bottle fed all of my three favorite. No guilt at all.

Cuppa The reason the government has such a huge interest in promoting breastfeeding is because it saves them lots of money. Breastfed babies require less courses of antibiotics and fewer hospital admissions

Please can you provide a link to the relevant statistics

I don't believe this "fact". You have to consider in all socio-economic and health factors. I had 2/3 of the most miserable months of my life bf. My son is a picture of health and last saw a doctor when he got his MMR jabs over 25 years ago.

He also had the advantages of 2 highly educated, well off parents, neither of whom have ever smoked, neither of whom are obese, a mother who drank no alcohol at any time during pregnancy, who ate and gave him a healthy diet and last but not least, a trained nanny. I doubt the bf made the slightest difference.

Oh and for all of you who sneer " the information is on the tin" - no it bloody is not.

The tin doesn't tell you anything about how to introduce formula if you want to reduce or stop bf.

The tin does not tell you practical information about storage/ making up in advance.

I was in despair. Bf was not working. I was not producing enough milk; I was exhausted, ill ( no one ever tells you oxytocin can make some women physically sick) I wanted to stop / had to stop bf because (a) I was desperately miserable and (b) going back to work full time.

My health visitor refused to tell me what was the best way to introduce formula and how I should stop bf as she "wasn't allowed to promote formula "

There's also no possibility of accessing any information on newborn formula as companies aren't allowed to advertise or promote them. I was under the assumption they are basically all the same. They really really aren't. There's also a lot of different bottles, teats, flow rates etc to choose from.
I needed a lot of help positioning and encouraging my baby even with bottle feeding due to his reflux issues. It's really not always as simple as following some instructions on a tin - that's as reductive as saying breastfeeding is no harder than sticking your baby on the boob. True for some, not the case for others.

There's also no possibility of accessing any information on newborn formula as companies aren't allowed to advertise or promote them.

Ten seconds of googling shows this to be untrue. Have a look at the aptaclub website from aptamil. You can even "live chat" with an advisor of you need advice about aptamil first infant milk.

Ten seconds of googling shows this to be untrue. Have a look at the aptaclub website from aptamil. You can even "live chat" with an advisor of you need advice about aptamil first infant milk

"Googling" had not been invented in 1990 when I needed advice from a health visitor who refused to give advice on formula.

In fact, it seems that most formula manufacturers have a 24/7 infant feeding helpline whereas not a single one of the breastfeeding helplines I could find goes beyond midnight.

I could not BF any of my children for medical reasons and still I didnt get any help. It was acknowledged that I was FF for "good" reasons (that I may not have wanted to BF was not a good reason it seems) but I still had to work it out for myself.

When I had DC3 I was told that I could BF if I really wanted to....not without tits I couldnt!

When I had DC6 the "rules" had changed on making up feeds, yet now HW would explain them to me apart from "make them up fresh with boiling water every time", which is really bloody easy when you have a screaming newborn, 5 other kids and need to cool down a boiling hot bottle! I agree that FF mothers are marginalised.

Let's just cut through the bullshit. BF is a great way for some people to feel superior over others.

Here's all the pro-BF posts translated:

OP, I don't believe that people struggle to breastfeed because I found it so easy bayou must not have been doing it right. Never mind that your baby is drying up to a crisp/ you have cried for two weeks/ your nipples are hanging off. It makes me so sad (superior) to hear that lazy people like you can't be bothered to be as wonderful a mum as me. I don't really know anything about BF, except what I've been told, but I know your baby will turn into a fat thicko because you gave formula. Weren't all brain surgeons/ rocket scientists/ Olympic athletes EBF?

Oh, and to those who talk about all the formula instructions on the tin. Isn't what you're really saying is that failed BF/ borderline PND mothers are just too cunty to get support and need to be forced to Google all their issues and problems do people on Internet forums can make them feel like twats. Only BF mothers deserve support- apparently.

Your letter simply screams to be that there isn't enough support available for women who want to breastfeed and struggle. Fair enough to those who don't want to even after weighing up their options; but in your case I am very sorry the NHS let you down.

I daresay you're long gone OP, but here's one YANBU anyway. "You should be breastfeeding anyway" was the stated reason when we were in hospital that when both my twins were crying I couldn't get any help with fomula feeding them and had to listen to one cry while I fed the other. I spent the first 12 weeks of parenthood absolutely desperate about feeds - the girls would often need fed at the same time and any time I asked for advice from HV etc I was told "well ideally you'd be breastfeeding, and then..." (if any twin mum is reading this - I found that when they abolutely needed a feed together, the easiest thing was to lay them down either side of me on a duvet on the floor). I had no family support and no friends, as we'd moved for jobs, and I asked at the local sure start centre whether I could come in in the daytime and if someone was free they could even just hold one baby while I fed the other - and was told no, because they held a breastfeeding cafe, that was their feeding support, and they couldn't undermine that by having someone in receiving help with formula feeding. I think my lowest point came when I saw that the HV had written "artificial feeding" in the girls' red books, about 6 weeks in - and (once I realised it meant formula feeding, and not gastric tube feeding which some premature twins start off on) I asked her why she used such a perjorative term, and she said it was so that I would see breastfeeding as the norm and perhaps bother to try it the next time. Ladies, the next time will be in the next life, as she'd have known if she'd bothered to speak to me for one minute about my background - I had my kids from IVF with PGD after recurrent miscarriage, at the age of 36. I couldn't have more kids if I wanted to. And at 6 weeks, I wasn't going to start producing milk again... I remember tearfully explaining all this and then, you know at about 12 or 13 weeks wondering why I'd let her upset me so much? It's those early weeks when everything is difficult (specially with twins and no help) and all you would need is a small bit of encouragement, you know that every day and night I was managing to feed (average 16-18 bottles in 24 hours for the girls), clothe, comfort and entertain not one but two babies who were even so small that you couldn't hold them both in your arms at once in case you hurt their necks, the sheer physical impossibility of the whole bloody situation, and instead of a bit of a "well done, carry on" the only thing they can offer is a wrinkle of the nose and a "couldn't be arsed breastfeeding, then?"

nasty responses on this thread - in fact if I was the OP I would not have asked for an AIBU answer to her query on MN as the abuse always seems to be so universal among the posters.

I wanted to breastfeed turned out medically I couldn't all the HCPs were supportive the only judgement I had was by a bunch of smug bf mothers in Starbucks who as I felt brave enough to give my first bottle in public, started taking about my poor child and how lazy I was for FF. I have never felt bullied by the government, you can't get away from the fact BF is best and why wouldn't the government promote what's best

YANBU OP, the bf stuff does feel like bullying.

AppleMagic that link tells you minimal information about one particular brand. I needed tailored information about casein / whey proportions, thickened formula for reflux, whether or not I needed to select one with probiotics or not and information about partially hydrolysed formulations. Not actually information available from a 10 second Google. I was just incredibly lucky that i stumbled across one child health nurse that was able to provide specific advice for my child in my particular situation. But you know, thanks again for the dismissive attitude, kind of reinforced what some of us posters, and the poor long gone OP have already said.
I think cosmics translation isn't actually too far off the mark for some posters.

Totally agree with you, OP.

You are putting your baby first in all the ways that matter, but you matter too. Your MH doesn't get chucked out of the window when you give birth.

Here's all the pro-BF posts translated:

OP, I don't believe that people struggle to breastfeed...

What a load or utter bollocks.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here. I pretty much agree with your points except your acknowledgement that breastfeeding is the healthier option. The evidence is patchy because lots of studies don't control properly for the kind of people who are more likely to breastfeed. Some of the claims hold up, some don't. But overall I think postnatal depression doesn't get given enough weight when discussing pros and cons, and really doing whichever option you prefer out of breast or bottle will reduce your risk of PND, and I think that has to be the most significant health effect.