to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

[glueandstick]

Ignoring the woeful lack of help for mothers in just about every aspect of baby rearing I think what's clear is that most of the feelings of inadequacy and failure aren't from governments or people in power- it's from other mothers being down right awful to each other.

[NickyEds]

Cosmic the issue is really only polarised on here. In real life the vast majority of people are not 'on a side'. Most babies have both bm and f at some point. Only relatively few babies are exclusively ff from birth or exclusively bf from birth.

[Tallulahoola]

That Guardian link upthread about women feeling "social pressure" to get their babies sleeping at night Um no, it's because we're fucking desperate to get some sleep ourselves

[MindSweeper]

Ignoring the woeful lack of help for mothers in just about every aspect of baby rearing

That's an interesting point.

The hospital I work at actually has a 'breastfeeding support team', this is their job role and they have tunics that say it on. I wonder how many other things could do with dedicated teams like this.

[Cosmiccreepers203]

I think talking about health effects on the infant is emotive and not very sensitive. Especially since the research is so inconclusive on the actual long term benefits.

I have seen friends turn themselves inside out the BF a baby with TT who is losing weight. They are so desperate not to use formula because they have been convinced by apparently supportive BF promoters that it is bad for their baby. That is a wicked sin in my books.

So facts need to be presented.

Facts like: in the western world, on balance, there is little evidence to support turning yourself inside out to BF your baby will have any long term effect of their physical or emotional well being.

This gives me the absolute rage because I am currently watching a friend tear herself to shreads to BF because of skewed facts and the mis-representation of the benefits of BF. She told me the others day that she thought another friend wasn't as bonded with her baby because she FF. That is twisted. This is the information she has had pushed on her online by pro-BF. It is such bollocks.

[blueberryporridge]

I'm proud I've fed through cracked nipples, three lots of mastitis, illnesses, several blocked ducts and a pregnancy to give my child the very best start in life. I'm proud I put my child first.

Good for you, Superwoman.

I struggled to feed a prem baby delivered after an emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia. I battled illness, exhaustion, mastitits, blocked ducts, sore nipples, a baby who wouldn't latch, an army of midwives who gave me conflicting information, and boobs which would never produce more than about 50mls of BM a day, despite me pumping regularly day and night in between visits to SCBU, taking domperidone, fennel, nipple shields, cup-feeding, and phoning every b/f helpline I could find. My DD got what I could manage to produce for six months but we still had to rely on FF because, you know what, EBF was not going to happen for me.

I realise this makes me a selfish cow in your eyes. But please don't judge unless you've walked a mile in the other person's shoes....

More generally, I echo what some other PPs have said. The standard of post-natal care in this country is at the very least patchy, including the level of practical support and advice available in the early weeks, and it needs to improve. If a woman ends up formula feeding, it should not be because of lack of professional support (and I mean support, not brow-beating).

[Biffsboys]

Both my dc were ff 11 years apart - at the recommendation of midwives (for totally different reasons ) . I felt guilt , but they are very fit and healthy now with no adverse effects from ff !!

[MindSweeper]

bluebery you're not selfish at all. Don't ever think that.


Another problem I've heard of, only on forums and things like that, is mothers so concerned about breast feeding that they've continued even when the baby isn't getting enough and isn't thriving. Because again, they don't want to feel like they're failing.

[FuzzyOwl]

I've never been aware of any judgement for formula or breast feeding where I live and the local baby groups I go to. Certainty there is plenty of support for mothers struggling with BF and higher numbers than the national average seem to.

I am fully aware that there are some judgemental people around who have issues with FF or BF but I also think there are times when people's own insecurities are projected to create an issue that didn't exist.

[WankingMonkey]

I was very upset when I couldn't breastfeed, and yes at times it did seem I was bombarded with judgement from left right and centre. But thats just unfortunate really...

Breast really is best. And the more people who breastfeed the better. So I put my own personal feelings about it aside.

[OhTheRoses]

When you have spent nearly two months of feeding through infection and absolute agony, feeling unimaginably unwell, making up six bottles and seeing you baby's contentedness is awesome.

What made it worse for me is that I had enough milk for an army with 17oz weight gains after ten day intervals. Not even the comfort of my baby being starving x

[MaudlinNamechange]

This reminds me of transwomen who find mention of periods etc "triggering".

[MindSweeper]

This reminds me of transwomen who find mention of periods etc "triggering"

How absolutely patronising.

[liz70]

Speaking as a fellow failed breastfeeding mother in Scotland, I must say that I think you are being ridiculous, ignorant, defensive, paranoid and irrational. Please get on with keeping your baby alive with whichever means is appropriate for you, and stop obsessing about what other mothers are doing.

[blueberryporridge]

This reminds me of transwomen who find mention of periods etc "triggering".

Maudlinnamechange - can I just clarify: are you suggesting that you aren't a real woman if you don't bf your baby ...?

[MarcelineTheVampire]

Tallulah did you read the link?

It discusses societal pressures on women and one of those being that your baby should be sleeping through the night.

The article is focusses on the lack of support and mistruths around breastfeeding- it claims that many women who wish to breastfeed are giving up before they want to due to these factors.

I find it incredibly depressing that women who choose to breastfeed are not able to continue due to lack of support.

That being said, it is a complete choice and I am supportive of women choosing what is best for them and their baby, whether that is formula or breast but allowing them an informed choice is obviously better.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

YNBU. It's a personal "choice", isn't it. I don't think anyone should be talked into what they do with their own body, and nor should they be made to feel guilty for THEIR "ALLEDGED" CHOICES . And also there are lots of women who yearn to breastfeed, but. For what ever reason. They're unable to. Why should they be made to feel inferior.
I had no intentions whatsoever of breastfeeding. It wasn't for medical reasons. I wanted my body back after pregnancy. I offer no apologies or explanations.
My body
My child
My choice.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

Those of you saying I don't see the problem with breastfeeding promotion, it's the same as formula advertising

Formula companies don't have to support the people who use their products. You can read the instructions on the tin and away you go, sometimes you need some advice on the best way to make them up and store, but there's no intensive support needed.

Formula companies are multi-million (if not billion) dollar industries. The vast majority of their money goes into marketing rather than, say, making sure their products aren't killing babies in developing countries.

Formula companies can chuck however much money necessary on an advert that just about makes it through the already-strict guidelines, by jumping through loopholes and "clever" use of wording. They're not short of money.

The NHS does not have access to an endless pot of money. It can't add to that pot of money by selling products. What little money it does have, it wastes on posters and leaflets in GP surgeries - preaching either to the converted, or to the uninterested. Pregnant women can see that advert in a GP surgery but chances are they already know if they're going to try or not, and their decision means nothing without meaningful practical support in the postnatal period. By the time women with babies are seeing the posters, they're either already breastfeeding or already formula feeding.

Maybe when there aren't so many women desperately wanting to breastfeed but leaving hospital feeling coerced or having no choice but to formula feed due to a shameful lack of support, then we can have posters of lovely cuddles and quotes about oxytocin and bonding. Until then, those posters are an easy way out. A way of using the budget to say "Look, we're promoting breastfeeding!". It doesn't matter how many people actually end up breastfeeding, as long as they're promoting it.

That is the difference between Nestle just chucking tens of thousands at an advertising campaign for follow-on milk, and the NHS cutting corners in practical breastfeeding support to pin up a few posters in GP waiting rooms.

[MindSweeper]

Please get on with keeping your baby alive with whichever means is appropriate for you, and stop obsessing about what other mothers are doing.



Maybe if she didn't feel bullied and pressured then she would be able to just crack on.

[ollieplimsoles]

Late to this thread, I feel really sad when I read about the mums on here and elsewhere who feel upset over breastfeeding, I personally cant understand why people care how a mum is feeding her baby.

Which leads me on to to say its a two way street, breastfeeding mums get it as well.
From day one I was bullied by everyone from family members to pushy midwives. I am still breast feeding dd at nearly 11 months and ive encountered:

"shes feeding all the time, shes starving, you're not making enough for her"
"if you gave her formula at night she would sleep through"
"shes not absorbing any iron from you, you need to too her up with formula"
"she won't even remember you doing this for her so you cant have a 'bond' over it"
"she should be eating more proper food now and cutting back on your milk"
"It's gone passed the 6 month stage and you're obviously doing it for your benefit now."

Ive also had total strangers shouting 'bitty bitty' at me when I was feeding in the park, and dd was only 4 months old.

[LostInMess]

OP, I haven't rtft but your title drew me in.

I am coming to the end of bf DC4, having breastfed all 4 DC until 13-15 months. We have just about dropped all but one feed now. After a year of no sleep, we started giving him a bottle of formula at bedtime 2 weeks ago and he has slept 11 hours most nights ever since. I think that is coincidence, he is moving more and more tired but it's
Definitely stopping him comfort feeding 3-4 times per night.

I have enjoyed bf (not any more - SO ready to stop!!) and loved the convenience of it. BUT with hindsight, I should have at least mix fed DC3&4 from 3 monthish on. EBF was great for the baby but did nothing for
my mental health and I have grave concerns about its impact on my family, especially DD1 who has born the brunt of her sleep deprived impatient mum.

So I agree with you, it's part of a bigger question. My main motivator initially was to try and avoid my DC having eczema like me. That has been successful but I know so
many EBF children with eczema that am
A bit sceptical about that one.

So, OP, I see where you are coming from. If you're not going to support the whole family (cluster feeds at bath time, for wxample), you really can't judge on how they live their lives. Including feeding their children.

[liz70]

"Maybe if she didn't feel bullied and pressured then she would be able to just crack on."

But we could all argue that. I could argue that. I've had exactly the same exposure over three children, only one of which I managed to BF beyond six weeks, and even then only for three months. I'm trying to point out that all the breastfeeding promotion can only make us feel guilty if we let it. It's a great lesson in life to learn to not give a shit. My DDs are healthy, I've no doubt the OP's DS is too. I'm trying to encourage her to stop worrying about how other women are feeding their babies, because it really doesn't matter.

[MindSweeper]

No, that's victim blaming bullshit.

That's like telling a child at school that they're only being bullied because they're letting the bullies make them feel that way.

I'm happy for you that you haven't truly been put in a situation in which you have feel cornered and pressured, I really am. But that isn't the case for some women. Women who are at their most vulnerable.

[liz70]

"Women who are at their most vulnerable."

Please explain what makes these other failed at breastfeeding mothers any more or less "vulnerable" than myself, a failed at breastfeeding mother. I've been there myself, and I repeat, what the OP may perceive as "bullying" really just sounds to me like standard breastfeeding promotion. But if you're really trying to suggest that the efforts of health care staff to promote breastfeeding are actually comparable to school bullying, then crack on yourself.

[Ellieboolou27]

i never wanted (and didn't breast feed) both my girls. Whenever the midwife or hv asked me why I wasn't breast feeding I answered because o don't want to, almost all of them were like "how refreshing to answer without guilt" When I was pregnant with my first my dads friend asked if I was going to bf! When I said no he replied that I don't deserve to be a mother! Sadly I lost my baby 22 weeks into the pregnancy, he has never got over what he said.
Do what suits you and sod what others think.