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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childminder not offering half of DD's lunch in case the other kids want what she has?

169 replies

PurpleElsa · 09/09/2016 10:13

My DD (3), goes to a childminder and has to take a packed lunch. I try and keep things interesting for her, and usually put in one treat for her, such as one of those teddy cake things, or a mini roll, alongside standard sandwich, babybel, yogurt and fruit. I noticed that the treat would always be returned EVERY time. I sent it back each day, but it was always returned unopened. I eventually asked childminder about it (as it was getting on my wick and I know DD loves a little treat) and was told that she tries to give all the children she looks after the same kind of item at the same time i.e. they all get sandwich, then yogurt etc. And if she offered DD her treat, the others would want one too.
In my opinion, if she wants all children to eat the same thing she she bloody well provide the lunches. I'm sure on occasion there would be something one of the others had that DD fancied, but she would have to have whatever I had packed.

I'm really cross about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 09/09/2016 13:46

If you think of it as a treat it isn't really her lunch so assuming she has enough to eat without it, I don't think the childminder is unreasonable.

Bearfrills · 09/09/2016 13:48

I'm a CM and I understand where she's coming from.

I have had mindees who would bring a packed lunch (I do provide meals but offer a discount if own food is brought) and on those days I'd also make my own preschooler DC a packed lunch. Obviously there'd be variations on what everyone had, and I did have a couple of times where someone would have a pot of pasta or carrot sticks and hummus or whatever and everyone else had sandwiches. If any of the children mentioned I'd just say something along the lines of "it does look lovely, doesn't it? And your looks absolutely yummy too!".

No one ever got upset about someone having a babybel or yoghurt but they would get upset if anyone had chocolate/sweets in their lunchbox because they're treats, and who doesn't like a treat? My policy was very quickly updated to say no chocolate or sweets in lunchboxes, thanks very much.

Ultimately the CM can do whatever she likes so long as she is operating within current childcare laws, she is self-employed and it's her business. I wouldn't send the mini rolls anymore.

maddiemookins16mum · 09/09/2016 13:51

I see your point but if the other kids aren't having them then it can cause issues as annoying as that seems. Save the treat until hometime or weekends, I really think she'll survive without a mini roll a day but tbf it would have been easier had the cm mentioned it earlier.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 13:56

Parents, chikara

PregnantAndEngaged · 09/09/2016 14:08

I think she should've told you she doesn't want the children to have treats on her watch from the beginning. Then you could've made an informed decision about whether that was the childminder you wanted for your child.

I remember coming across a childminder's page on one of those sites where you can find a childminder, and she said that crisps are given very rarely and only as a shared snack between them all so not to provide crisps or sweets etc in their packed lunches. I decided I didn't want a childminder that might stick her nose up at what I provide for my son to eat so I went elsewhere. However it was fair enough as she made it clear from the start.

BeMorePanda · 09/09/2016 14:12

It's not a "treat" is you are having something every day. It's just part of your normal diet.

jailbirdstar · 09/09/2016 14:30

As a childminder I adhere to the healthy eating, however I don't begrudge the odd treat. Children in my care bring their own lunches (no-one has dinner) and I provide snacks. If a child has eaten enough of their "formal" lunch then I don't mind giving over the "treat", but quite often the child is full up of their mains anyway and in no need for anything further.

Many occasions have I needed to say "well Bob's mummy sends him with that, your mummy sends you with this, they both look yummy"...however really yummy treats are hard to work around.

I used to look after one that wasn't allowed sugar (cakes/chocolate) however brought dried fruit with them every day - far worse for teeth and a chocolate or cake!!!

In my opinion, it's everything in moderation, and so long as they don't solely eat cakes or chocolate, and have a fairly well balanced diet, then that's good enough for me.

I did draw the line at a not even turned 1 year old getting crisps and a kit kat in their lunch though

sleeponeday · 09/09/2016 15:22

Yoghurt is sweet but has other good stuff in. Fruit even more the case. Cakes, chocolates etc are delicious, have psychological value in my book, and should be part of a normal diet. As the OP is very clear that her child doesn't get cake after every meal that's fair enough (and it would be her choice if they did) but the CM has to balance the needs/expectations/parental wishes of all her mindees, so I understand this one.

You can be ridiculous about sugar, sure. But I have the sweetest of all sweet tooths, ever, and always have had. Yet I was never allowed sweet drinks, and even now I can't stand them. You can train kids into wanting a lot more sugar than others, just as you can train a palate to need more salt than someone else could bear. Surely it's about balance, and if this CM doesn't want sugary pure treat food served to one kid while the others go without, I don't see a problem.

Now I need to go and eat cake. With my kids. Grin

Powergower · 09/09/2016 15:25

Your 3 year old has a bigger lunch than my teens.

I'm with the childminder.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 09/09/2016 15:30

jailbirdstar I think you have a good approach.

jailbirdstar · 09/09/2016 15:54

Thank you LivingOnTheDancefloor, I try!!!

NickiFury · 09/09/2016 16:00

This doesn't matter. Why does she have to have her daily treat there? Let her have it home, work with your childminder.

Original poster
PurpleElsa · 09/09/2016 16:13

Thank you all for the feedback.

Think I will just allow DD her OCCASIONAL treat (think a few people need to RTFT) here at home and take her to the swings or something on the way home to alleviate the mummy guilt at having left her.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 09/09/2016 16:18

But a mini roll is tiny

Not to a 3 year old. 12g of sugar is tons.

OP I think your solution sounds good.

MrsKoala · 09/09/2016 16:32

This is really interesting. I can see both sides.

Can I ask those of you who know, what if your dont eat thibgs like sandwiches, yogurt, cheese? Do they sit there with nothing while that 'course' is offered round? What if the lunch was just something considered a treat? Would they get nothing?

BoffinMum · 09/09/2016 17:25

I didn't feed my kids stuff like this at 3. They don't need it. I'm not a food nazi in particular but really, they honestly don't miss this stuff at all and it's better for their teeth. I don't even put this stuff in the lunch boxes for my teenagers, honestly.

smurfest · 09/09/2016 17:38

I can understand the childminder's thinking.

If you've got 4 preschool kids in a home environment and one of them gets a chocolate bar, the other 3 are going to kick off - they're too young to understand why the OP's DD is getting the treat and they aren't.

HanYOLO · 09/09/2016 17:42

Late to the party but agree with the childminder, although it was really down to her to make that clear in advance.

elh1605 · 09/09/2016 17:50

I'm afraid as a child carer I'm siding with the childminder. Your dd doesn't need a treat every lunch time and it's not fair on the other children if she has one and the others don't. If you're that worried give her the treat when you pick her up. Yes the childminder should of bought it to your attention earlier but still her care her rules.

RichardBucket · 09/09/2016 17:50

I'm pointing out HOW many treats there are!

Yoghurts and fruit are treats in your house? Bloody hell.

SugarBlossom92 · 09/09/2016 18:19

I don't agree that it's not fair on the other children. If children go to nursery/school they will all have different items in their packed lunches so I really don't see a problem.

Lazyafternoon · 09/09/2016 18:32

Wow! I would be suprised that if a childminder asks for a packed lunch to be sent then complaints about the contents!!!

My childminder provides lunch. But if things were different, I would be mighty miffed if my 6.30am cobbled together packed lunch she asked me to provide were sent back! TBH a childminder asking me to provide lunch of whatever i think they'll eat out of whats in my cupboard or them offering to provide a healthy lunch themselves would be a deal clincher. The idea of providing a 'healthy' lunch everyday before work sounds an absolute nightmare!!!

cathf · 09/09/2016 18:35

Stig, I don't think you can compare wartime rationing with over-anxious helicopter parenting because:
a) During the war, everyone was in it together;
b) People still ate sweet treats and puddings, and
c) No-one was being stopped from eating any particular food that others were enjoying in abundance.

I don't know how we have come from suet puddings and custard being considered normal eating to fruit being limited because of the sugar content.

And as usual, it is the mums of toddlers who shout the loudest about how healthy their children's diet is.

As with answering back, tidying rooms, faddy eating and all manner of things, don't speak too soon!

Rubies12345 · 09/09/2016 18:54

But if a child starts there who is wheat intolerant, will the rest not be allowed to eat their sandwiches?

squizita · 09/09/2016 19:29

People citing healthy rating guidelines - thy don't prohibit cake. Especially not those revised for the under 5s which for a while we're actually unhealthily low in fat and protein (they'd basically used one for 2-16 - about 10 years ago). Ive had to read them for work a few times over the years.

Unfortunately not all schools and nurseries interpret the guidelines well.

A "pudding" of home made pineapple upside down cake, made with juice etc nt tons of sugar would be well within guidelines.

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