Childminder not offering half of DD's lunch in case the other kids want what she has?

[PurpleElsa]

My DD (3), goes to a childminder and has to take a packed lunch. I try and keep things interesting for her, and usually put in one treat for her, such as one of those teddy cake things, or a mini roll, alongside standard sandwich, babybel, yogurt and fruit. I noticed that the treat would always be returned EVERY time. I sent it back each day, but it was always returned unopened. I eventually asked childminder about it (as it was getting on my wick and I know DD loves a little treat) and was told that she tries to give all the children she looks after the same kind of item at the same time i.e. they all get sandwich, then yogurt etc. And if she offered DD her treat, the others would want one too.
In my opinion, if she wants all children to eat the same thing she she bloody well provide the lunches. I'm sure on occasion there would be something one of the others had that DD fancied, but she would have to have whatever I had packed.

I'm really cross about it. AIBU?

I'm equally gobsmacked that you see a need to give your child a "treat" every day.

Small children don't need many calories so the treat will be displacing more nutricious food. Plus setting the child up to believe that they "deserve" regular sugary foods when actually a treat should be an occassional treat.

She should have told you before. Maybe she didn't think anybody would pack a sweet every day?

It doesn't like it is about having a healthy diet though, more that the CM doesn't want to deal with the children getting jealous/conflict.
IMO as that is something she should be teaching the children to handle! If she doesn't, what will happen when they start school and have to see their friends have a treat on their packed lunch and they don't?
I had a nanny like this once, for her teaching the children to share would mean taking the toy away if both wanted it...

This used to really hack me off. Glad those days are over. CM (who I stuck with because DD did love her, and that's what mattered most to me) had very odd rules. For example, DD was on a low sodium diet, and while the child minder happily heated tins of tomato soup, baked beans, sausage rolls from the baker etc that other parents had sent in, (ie, stuff that was full of salt that DD wasn't able to have),she used to hold onto DDs dried fruit and unsalted crisps because she didn't want the other children to wonder why she was allowed these things and they weren't. By the time I'd accomodated the nuts, strawberries, tomatoes, melon or kiwi fruit allergies that various other kids had (and which I was happy to do) PLUS the childminder's requirements, there was very little I could give the poor kid to eat.

Our CM gave fruit/breadstick style snacks, but we provided lunch box, then she did a cooked dinner + pudding (which all the kids loved.. and has lead to DS1 not believing it's dinner unless there's dessert after - although banana and custard is a favourite so at least it's not difficult)

Your title is misleading.

They are toddlers,fucking hell I know they're toddlers, but what of it, before long they'll be at school. When I say let them be prepared for the real world, it's hardly traumatising for them is it, that they see someone with a nicer lunch then themselves. It's all part of preparing them for the real world the same as potty training, feeding themselves, being nice to other children etc. What else would you call it?

On the other hand although both were one offs as the daily diet was very healthy my son got his first taste of both chocolate and ice cream at the CM's . I just rolled my eyes and she was mortified when she said "he does love chocolate doesn't he" and I replied I don't know I've not given it to him yet. It wasn't that it was banned at home just that I was trying to put it off for as long as possible as what you haven't had you don't miss and neither of us ate either often. It was the only issue I had in what was a fantastic and loving set up so I wasn't going to make a fuss over something we'd have probably had grandma do sooner rather than later anyway.

That's a lot of food for a 3yo lunch.
Has your dd been miserable and hungry without her mini roll?
How is it a 'treat' if it is part of your standard every day lunch provision?

I was not especially taxed about the minutiae of healthy eating when DS was little but if the yogurt is sweetened / flavored I wouldn't also give cake. A yogurt is a desert!

Are you more vexed about the 'my child, my decision' aspect of this, and your child is happy, and you are otherwise happy, I would let this go and stop sending mini rolls. A good CM is worth a LOT.

Windmill I hear you and am of the same opinion regarding most stuff but personally if I was the CM, I'd hate to see one of the kids sitting there having a treat while everyone else looked wistfully on every day. I don't think that's necessary when we're talking about the habitual daily feeding of a small child (who doesn't know to ask for) junk food. I also would find exhausting to have to every day explain to little ones that the other child is allowed treats and their mummy didn't send one for them. Fine on a few occasions but a pain to have to do every day. I guess I'd be considered a lazy childminder.

Maybe she should give the treat and encourage the child to share with everyone instead.

I'd be concerned if that was the way she was doing things because I'd be sending in a lunch expecting my dc to eat it with maybe a bit extra so that if they were having a hungry day there would be enough. It's not on to just not offer everything you've sent because then there's a good chance your dc might end up hungry.

What would happen if one day you sent in something completely different like a cold pasta salad and sticks of cheese so that all the lunch would be different from the other childrens'? Would she not give any of it - in which case what would she do?

The treat thing is a separate issue. Could you send in a treat of a few olives or strawberries or something different that she would approve of?
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If it is really important to you to ensure that your dd eats 5 lunchtime weekday mini rolls a week, perhaps you could approach this from the other angle and suggest that all the parents send chocolate cake every day?

It will go on. In Primary they will pour away Ribena and squash from your child's water bottle because otherwise all the kids will want it... This getting used to things works in all directions.

TBH I can understand the CM, since very little children are likely to get upset/stroppy if they see another having something very nice that they're not allowed. When they're a bit bigger they have to learn that that's life, and things often aren't fair, but very little ones can't really be expected to have absorbed this.

If the CM doesn't want treat-type things in lunch boxes then she really ought to make that clear to every parent - I'm surprised she hasn't, TBH.

Your toddler eats more for lunch than I do! It sounds like your DD just has more food packed than the rest of them, so she'd be sitting there with her cake after the others have finished their yoghurt and fruit.

I don't think most toddlers really understand the ins and outs of the whole childminding setup. To them it would just look like CM favours one child and always gives her cake after lunch.

Feed the daily cake to her when she gets home if you feel it's that vital.

I agree that f she wants all the kids to have the same then she should provide the lunch or at the very least supply and approved foods list.

My cm provides breakfast, lunch and snacks as part of the £3.75/hour I pay her and at least once a week there is a treat - usually because she has backed with the kids so they get to eat one cake/biscuit and take the other few home.

She is ridiculous and Yadnbu

She has to deal with the other children whinging that they don't have cake. It's easier for all the kids to have similar lunches. Does it matter what time she has her treat? You could let her have it after her evening meal. But don't fall out over it.

I would hardly call it half. It's a cake /chocolate roll ie a treat

It's prob in cm policy not to give high sugar foods and that's why she returns it daily

Children don't need cakes every day and if it is every day then it's not a treat

A treat is something special every now and again

I think it's good your cm is looking after your child's health

Maybe she's given you that excuse rather than saying she thinks its ridiculous of you to be sending cake in every day on top of a full sized lunch,,,anyone considered that she's just being tactful?

She is doing you a favour and trying to tactfully suggest that a chocolate roll a day isn't part of a healthy lunch and isn't in the other provided lunch boxes. She is right - we eat plenty of cake but there is no value in the food or the message that sugary shite is a treat and needed at every lunch.

if she wanted them all to have the same she should say to all parents, in the interest of all lunch being similar please send a sandwich/wrap, a yoghurt, an item of fresh fruit, and a snack (cheese/crackers/etc) and a chocolate/other treat on Fridays only if you wish.

yanbu to expect the lunch u provide to be given in whole to your child. but it's equally reasonable for the CM to enforce a no chocolate policy. I know even at 4 ds would find it hard to understand why his friend got cake every day and he didn't.

I wondered how long it would be before mums were posturing on this thread about healthy eating. Not very long, as I thought.
I think the current obsession with healthy eating and no sugar will backfire spectacularly on a lot of these smug mums in the next few years.
As a anecdote, I used to run a toddler group when my kids were little and we had one mum (as GP, as it happened) who had a very healthy eating policy for her two children.
Whenever we had a party, the children were not allowed to go to the buffet themselves, they had to sit while she policed their plates herself, piling them with raw veg sticks, brown bread sandwiches and breadsticks. They were allowed one tiny fairy bun split between the two of them.
The net result of this was that the children were both obsessed with food of any kind, but especially junk, and ate it in secret when mum was not watching.
As soon as we laid the cloth on the table, her two were hovvering, waiting to grab anything they could get their hands on.
On on occasion, at a halloween party, we had set plastic worms, rats etc in green jelly for the children to fish out with their hands as an activity, and we had to stop the little girl eating the jelly. She would steal biscuits from the mums' coffee tray and eat them in the toilets.
What I am saying is that moderation in all things is the key. As soon as you make cakes etc out of bounds, you will make them more desirable to the children, as no matter what you do at home, their friends will be eating them.
It's very easy to be strict (and smug) with toddlers, but increasingly difficult as their world widens, and they need to be prepared for this. Surely it's better to include a little treat every day than make treats unattainable? Your children will find a way to get them as they get older, really they will.

Lots of early years providers and schools have a no junk food policy when it comes to pack lunches so I don't think she's out of line with this. She should make this clear at the outset though.

I can't imagine why you'd be cross at your dd not eating a mini roll everyday.

Dolly I understand what you're saying, but the op said she also puts a babybel and a yoghurt in. What if some kids were sat there staring longingly at those, because they didn't get them, I mean where do you draw the line..

I agree you can police too heavily, cathf. Not allowing a cake that makes up half the lunch every day isn't quite the same as sharing a tiny fairy cake at a birtday party though.

CM other mindees would think that OP's child is the favourite if she gets sweets daily and they don't.

Lots of responses, and I think those suggesting she is really trying to avoid the junk and other children seeing it too are probably right.

I just wanted to ask: what are those teddy cake things?

Could it be a pom-bear?