Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

[frizzfactor]

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

It's your choice to make but I think you would be unreasonable if you didn't research it all you could before making the decision.

When I am dead they can take anything they want, I will not need it. If I or one of my DC needed an organ and was offered a transplant I would take it so I am prepared to give.

My uncle died at 34 of a brain haemorrhage, he went out to work one day, was suddenly taken to hospital and by time a scan was done the hospital said he was brain dead. All the organs that could be used were used.

We got a letter from a man that got one my uncles organs and he was a father of 3 and because of my uncles organ he will hopefully be around to see his DC grow up. It was so heart warming to read how grateful that man was.
My uncle was a good man and even in death he helped somebody, he helped that man live a life.

For me once I am dead they can use whatever they want, I won't need my organs anymore and I like the idea of helping somebody to live.

I would take an organ if I needed one so that for me is another reason for me to donate.

My cousin's DD died when she was 8 years old, her heart went to another child and the letter from her parents thanking my cousin and expressing how grateful they were that she took the decision to donate at what was such a sad time, it really was the most touchy letter I have ever read.

My cousin says it was the toughest decisions that she ever made to let the, take her DD organs but she couldn't let somebody else child die when she knew how it felt.

Please research organ donation all you can op before you opt out

If, God forbid, anything was to happen to my lovely partner I would want his organs to go to someone else if possible.
He is a young, fit, healthy man, and such a good person. I would take comfort in his last act on this earth being able to save someone else.
I hope he would take comfort from this if anything were to happen to me. I think it can help something good come out of something tragic.
I also like the idea that a little bit of a person can live on in a way.
I would accept an organ gratefully if I needed one, and would think fondly on the person who donated it forever and ever. I wouldn't find it creepy or weird. I wonder how those that do feel about things like egg donation?
I understand it's an emotive subject. OP maybe looking at it as I do would help you. You don't have to think of it as clinical, you can think about it as human helping other humans by gifting them the only things they have left.

expat - if you had read what I said properly you would have noticed that yes it IS as simple as that as I have already been in that position, more than once so was in fact speaking from experience.

OP please do all the research and really think it over before you opt out.

I have always carried a donor card, when I die they are free to take whatever could help another person.
If I or any of my DC I would take that organ, so That is one of my reasons for donating.

My ex MIL has a kidney that once belonged to a young lad from Scotland. She has had it for 21 years so far and, frankly, it's incredible that anyone's life could be saved in the event of another person's life.

Because of this the DCs have always known and understood organ donation. Through DS1's school friends we now know a boy who's had a heart transplant, and one who had a kidney transplant last year. They've always known that my attitude is that if you would take one, you should give one, in every respect; I donate blood and last year donated bone marrow for a relative. I am very adamant that once I'm dead my organs are of no use to me, but imagine if that was someone's child, someone's Mum, someone's Dad I managed to save. Why on earth would you not want to? I genuinely don't comprehend it.

The only thing I want to add is please don't go against your loved ones wishes. If they don't want to donate then respect that.

My emotions are all over the place with this thread as this is very real to me right now and I would hate that the donors family went against their wishes.

As I said before it is personal choice and if you don't agree that is your decision.

I am thankful that at present I am 'healthy enough (barely) ' to be on the donor list, 6 months time might be a different story though..

Simple for YOU, Fenella. Good for you. But carry on scolding people who express a different opinion from yours if it makes you feel better, dear

Wow, thank you so much expat for your eloquent and well-considered response. I point out I've been in this situation having recently lost close family members and you think your petty, patronising comment is an appropriate response? Do be sure to let us all know which charm school you went to, dear....

"My mother thinks donations are 'unnatural' and doesn't want her organs used, except for corneas which apparently can be taken longer after death.

Given that next of kin get to make the decision and she'd be dead, my father and I would request anything that might help others be used. We haven't told her this, obviously. Ensuring she wouldn't be my next of kin was the main reason I got married."

This seems ethically wrong to me. If you know her wishes, you should respect her decision even if you disagree with it completely. If your choices about what you want done with your body after you die should be respected, then so should hers.

Expat it was an easy decision, well, as easy as it gets at a time like that I suppose, for me.

I totally understand and agree with your point that it wouldn't be easy for everyone at all.

It's a subject I'm very close to but I'd never scold anyone for thinking differently to me.

I have had to switch off to a certain extent, I see things in the paper about people walking the daughters of their donor down the aisle etc and I just think I could never do that, I don't really want to know any more about the people who my son helped, I fear I would get attached to them, and I really worry how I would feel if something happened to a recipient. I am the type of person who can shut certain things away, not everyone can and they shouldn't be made to feel like shit because of it.

Even if you have been in EXACTLY the same situation as someone else, you can't know how they feel. You only know how YOU felt in the same situation.

And things are never identical, are they, because we are all different and so are the circumstances surrounding the death of our loved one

For those just joining I have said up thread that I will make sure I register and inform those who might make the decision.

Please can we all be mindful that this is an incredibly emotive and personal subject. I'm incredibly grateful for all the shares and constructive support. I'm so sorry that so many of you have experienced organ donation in one way or another.

What strikes me the most, is the difficulty so many have around eyes, and yet whilst we would share so many organs to prolong and enrich someone else's life, somehow sight is not included.

So many of you have referred to the gift of organ donation allowing a recipient to watch their children grow. Doesn't it seem ironic that most of the posts from personal experience seem to be about recieving corneas? Yet so many feel that the eyes are a step too far.

The argument for donation I have read over and over again is that I can't use mine when I'm dead. Surely the same applies to my eyes? In for a penny in for a pound I say.

to all of us who have lost loves, no matter the circumstances. Eat the cake people

Unfortunately PowerShower your corneas would be very likely unusable now you've had laser eye surgery.

Corneas have to be full thickness to be healthy enough to transplant and the laser process thins them (that's why they have to be a healthy thickness before you can have laser surgery).

Most cornea transplants are performed due to corneas becoming too thin, either through degenerative corneal diseases or... laser eye surgery gone wrong.

By all means keep them on your list, they will check them for suitability. But the increase in popularity of laser surgery is a growing concern as healthy corneas are already in short supply.

Personally I hope that artificial corneas coated in the recipients stem cells could become a thing, or 3D printed corneas made from the recipient's own stem cells. It would prevent rejection issues (which are hell) and the technology could help us move on from debates like this.

Frizz, what a lovely post! I'm so glad you have taken on board what people have shared here.

And as a cornea recipient I have to say thank you so much for acknowledging what a difficult subject eyes are. As they are tissue and not lifesaving they aren't considered essential, but when facing losing your sight and in incredible daily pain suddenly they are bloody important! They are one of the most frequent types of transplants (around 2500 done on the NHS each year) and have been possible for over 110 years so they are also one of the oldest types of transplant. These two reasons are probably why they have been most frequently mentioned on this thread. Sadly they are also one of the most controversial, with a high 'ick' factor. I get it, honestly I do. I would never call someone selfish for not wanting to donate their eyes (or any part of them or their family members), but since I had mine and talk to people about how much life has changed and how grateful I am, I've caused more than half a dozen people to change their preferences. No pressure, just positives, although a friends exH once told me I shouldn't share my story and that campaigning for organ donation should only be done when you're in need and once you're 'better' you should shut up about it, not realising that often the people on waiting lists are too ill to do any kind of campaigning!

I think that although there is still a lot of emotive language around the subject, NHSBT is really trying to go with a similar approach now, just sharing success stories and hoping to spread understanding and acceptance.

What happens if the parents of a child who sadly passes on disagree strongly on organ donation? I think I would want to donate DS organs if the worse was to happen but DP most definatley would not.

It's such a hard thing to even think about. I don't know how people ever cope with the loss of a child, or having to make such huge decisions at that destressing time.

Thanks NameChangingStranger . Best of luck to you and your husband, I hope he gets his call soon too. It truly is a shitty disease.

Rhoda, I'm glad he's an ex. What a proverbial! Tell everyone. My eyes are my best feature and virtually the only thing I feel comfortable about in regards to my body. So rather than feeling weird about them being taken, I'm going to shift my thought to 'ooooo someone gets my best feature!'.

Thank you for your lovely acknowledgement :)

Maybe I am being a bit sensitive but I feel I have to say something about this by scaryteacher about a comment made to me.

On p9 someone hopes that another poster will get the call for her transplant. It almost seems like wishing for someone to die that another can survive (and I suppose to an extent it is)

Everyday people die and families are bereaved.
And while on the transplant list several of those deceased people will be matches. I am hoping that just one of these matches has a donor card and that their family will find it in their heart to agree to the donation of their loved ones' organs. Sadly their loved one has gone whether they agree or not. Someone's death is not what I am wishing for but consent and "the gift of life". When I say I hope your call comes soon, I am saying: "I hope one of your matches gets the go ahead from the family and that you haven't had to wait so long that you are too weak to go into the surgery"

My first DH died suddenly and traumatically. I was not asked about organ donation though I think I would have said yes. I can understand some posters saying they feel squeamish about bodies being "cut up" but in my case this happened anyway (an autopsy had to be carried out).

This may be TMI for some but...

It was unbelievably distressing to read the post mortem report and see in black and white how much your loved one's heart, brain and liver weighed .. And realising this meant they had had to be removed in order to write the report, I believe it would have given me some consolation if that removal had resulted in a positive outcome for another individual. The shock of seeing his (fully clothed) body post mortem did start to fade after a couple of years so hugs to those who have been through this recently are are still coming to terms with it.

I am registered to donate . .. my body being "whole" or "perfect " is not important to me. I would have gladly accepted an organ donation to keep him alive but sadly this was not an option.

I understand that Oleg, but as another poster who is also on the list said early on in the thread, she finds it hard to reconcile that her change of survival is dependent on the death of another individual. For you to get your 'gift of life' and consent, there has to be a death, just as the time you are waiting on the list is contingent on someone dying, until we work out how to print organs.

scaryteacher yes, without someone dying there would be no transplant. Of course that is true. Every transplant is bittersweet. I know a few recipients who struggled with intense survivor guilt following their transplant. I think what I am trying to say (badly) is that I would never 'wish' for someone else to die.

I don't think anyone in the list is wishing someone dead, just hoping that if the worst happens their nok will allow their organs to be donated.

scaryteacher you remarked on my comment to BabyOleg.

People die every day, having or not having organ donation is not going to change that. Also, despite the myth it doesn't affect how doctors treat potential donors, until brain stem death has been confirmed. The doctors will work extremely hard to save that persons life.

All BabyOleg and I were saying that in someone's death may come some positivity from the donation of their organs, which may in turn save someones life. it is certainly not wishing death on others and I think you are interpreting my thoughts like that to support a viewpoint that donation is wrong.

It is common in the CF/transplant community to wish that a person gets their call, the alternative is that the recipient will die waiting - which happens a lot. Basically its trying to prevent further deaths, how is that a bad thing?

I have an organ donor card. I also don't like the idea of bits of me being apart from the rest of me. The way I deal with it is not to think about it. Having a donor card is the socially kind thing to do, therefore I have one, but I don't dwell on it. I'm never going to have to face the actual event of bits of me being given away (seeing as I'll be dead and all :) ), so what's to be gained by thinking about it and getting upset? Think of it as one of those things that you really should do even though it's not much fun (taxes, vaccinations, smear tests) and just do it. If you catch yourself thinking about it, make yourself think of all those happy smiling people who will live on because of you. And then make a cuppa and think of something else :)