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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

346 replies

frizzfactor · 07/09/2016 23:01

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

OP posts:
SpaceUnicorn · 08/09/2016 17:35

Milk, can I ask what you would do if your child needed a life-saving transplant? Would you accept an organ from someone else's deceased child in order that yours could live?

daisypond · 08/09/2016 17:36

Yes, the language on that leaflet/website is not good - very manipulative and, frankly, not true.

Sometimes you can give yourself the heebie-jeebies if you dwell on organ donation and death. I've found it can help to think about the things that make you "you" or your loved one "them", ie, your character, personality, thoughts, emotions, habits - good and bad, etc. These things that make you "you" don't come from your kidneys, lungs, etc. They come, ultimately, from your brain, and they don't do brain donations. Do they? If you can start to regard your kidneys and other organs as purely mechanical, functional things with a specific physical purpose, but they don't actually don't relate to "you", that can help.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 17:39

Wannabe - I don't think they can answer either. I'm just trying to get people to think outside this "donate = good, don't donate = bad" black and white thinking.

I want people to think not "would you donate your own?", because that's fucking easy - you're dead. I want people to think of the impact on their bereaved family, because ultimately the decision lies with them, not you.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 17:40

Space - yes I would.

Velvetdarkness · 08/09/2016 17:42

I have a friend who will be dead in two years without a transplant so YBVVVU

GinIsIn · 08/09/2016 17:46

I would never, ever stand in the way of someone I loved's wishes - if they wanted to donate their organs I would back that 100%, and indeed have done so. I plan to donate mine, and if my family tried to override that then they clearly aren't the people I thought they were. We are currently expecting DC1 and he or she will go on the organ donor register at birth.

The people we love are not made them by their kidneys or corneas. You don't need them to remember them by. And in donating you could help over a dozen people avoid the same pain of bereavement you or your family are going through. Saying no doesn't bring them back. Saying yes could stop someone else from going. It's as simple as that.

SpaceUnicorn · 08/09/2016 17:49

Space - yes I would

How do you reconcile that? Are you saying 'I won't donate my child's organs to save another child's life, but I will accept another child's organs to save my own child'?

I'm genuinely interested in where the difference lies for you, that it's acceptable for a deceased child's organs to save you and your family from preventable grief, but not vice versa.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2016 17:51

'It's as simple as that.'

No, it isn't. For people whose relative is lying in ICU, nothing is ever simple.

scaryteacher · 08/09/2016 17:52

On p9 someone hopes that another poster will get the call for her transplant. It almost seems like wishing for someone to die that another can survive (and I suppose to a certain extent it is).

Same as with Velvetdarkness above - her friends transplant relies on someone else dying, and a family being bereaved. I don't suppose that the OP deciding to donate will personally impact whether her friend gets a transplant or not.

Like Wannabe and milk I struggle with the good and bad if you are signed up to donate or not.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2016 17:55

'How do you reconcile that? Are you saying 'I won't donate my child's organs to save another child's life, but I will accept another child's organs to save my own child'? '

It's a completely hypothetical, pie-in-the-sky scenario. The truth is no one knows wtf they'd do unless they find themselves in one of those situations (needing a transplant or having a brain dead loved one in ICU). And even then, it may be a moot point as some people will not be able to donate their organs or tissues.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 17:56

Space - my problem is that in order to donate the person must be brain dead, but the rest of the body "alive". So blood would still be pumping through my son's body, oxygen still inflating his lungs, his chest rising and falling - just like when he's fast asleep. I could not say "yes - take my baby who still looks so alive. Take him away where I can't hold him as his chest rises for the last time..." I simply could not do it.

SpaceUnicorn · 08/09/2016 17:58

It's a completely hypothetical, pie-in-the-sky scenario

Most of this debate is indeed hypothetical, as most of us here are lucky enough never to have been at either end of the equation.

That doesn't stop us asking questions in order to try to understand an opposing viewpoint, does it?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 08/09/2016 18:00

milk try and remember there are people on here who did donate their child's organs so keep your emotive language to a minimum please.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2016 18:01

'I could not say "yes - take my baby who still looks so alive. Take him away where I can't hold him as his chest rises for the last time..." I simply could not do it.'

And this is an entirely valid viewpoint to have. No one should be made to feel bad about that. People will come back and say, 'But they're not alive' (one poster even likens peoples' dead relatives as 'meat', nice) blah blah blah. Until it's you sitting in that chair, and your child is the one who will have to die like that in order to be an organ donor, none of us knows for sure what we'd do.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 18:06

Elsa - with respect it is an incredibly emotive subject and I have been asked for my reasons. I cannot explain my reasons without using emotive language. Emotive language is used for both viewpoints.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 08/09/2016 18:08

MilkTwoSugarsThanks My mums the same, she's happy to donate her own organs but has said categorically that she would never consent for her kids (we're all adults) regardless of whether we were on the register.

Before I had my son I thought she was completely wrong, now I can see her point. I'm really not sure what I would do if I had to make that choice with my own child.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2016 18:09

But you would take another child's organ to keep yours alive.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 18:26

MyKingdom - I would not take. I would accept if offered. Of course I would. This is why it's not just black and white, good vs bad for many many people.

Doggity · 08/09/2016 18:26

Some posts on here are incredibly insensitive to those who have lost loved ones, especially those who have lost children. It's all very well excusing it by saying it's an emotive topic but for some people, it's not a topic, it's their reality.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 08/09/2016 18:27

milk the point you are making is a fiction in your life, it's a fact in mine.

I merely asked that you bear it in mind when posting.

The simple fact is that you don't know what you would do unless you were in that situation, you can't plan how you would feel about it.

powershowerforanhour · 08/09/2016 18:31

I guess you can't help how you feel but sure your organs would rot to mush in a short while anyway so somebody else might as well get the good out of them. I know a kidney transplant recipient- he lives a great life but would be dead years ago were it not for the kidney.
I admit to not ticking the corneas box for a few years. It's that "eyes gouged out" grossness. Even though I am sure there is no real gouging done. Then I got laser surgery for shortsightedness and it was a revelation. I tick the "any part" box now. Dunno if surgery has rendered my corneas unusable or not but anyhow, they're welcome to 'em. Getting good vision vs short sight was so amazing for me, how much cooler would be restoring sight to somebody going blind be? In additon to helping save other people's lives.
Sometimes I fantasise about heroically saving somebody from drowning or something but that's not very likely. I also fear death by car crash or whatever but feel a little bit better when I imagine that, if the worst actually happened, at least I would get my dream of heroically saving lives (without actually having to do anything except tick a box).

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 18:32

I apologise if I am coming across as insensitive - I don't mean to be. I was asked for my reasons as to why I hold the view I do, and I personally (maybe because I do not have a wide enough knowledge of the English language - I don't know) do not have any other way to describe my emotions and feelings on this subject.

39up · 08/09/2016 21:20

I am not sure it is possible to be unemotional about it. My best friend is dying atm. She has a few weeks left probably, if that, because she didn't get a transplant. She is one of the most awesome people who has ever lived and she's dying because there aren't enough organ donors.

And I'm very sad that people here are saying they would rather not feel a bit icky and let someone die than save a life. It's hard to be understanding about that when you're seeing someone you love die.

Kr1stina · 08/09/2016 21:54

I know it's a tough issues with strong feelings on both side

But I just wanted to thank those who have shared stories about their loved one being a donor or a recipient. I'm sure you have touched many people reading Flowers

WannaBe · 08/09/2016 21:55

But there are posters on this thread who have lost children, and who are saying that it's just not possible to know how you'd feel when faced with the actual, very real possibility that your child is dead/dying at this very moment, and that you just cannot judge someone who feels they cannot donate their child's organs in that situation.

The parent who desperately wants their child to receive an organ is thinking only of their child, and their grief if that child does not find a suitable donor. They're not thinking "oh, I desperately need someone's child to die so that mine can live," but actually, that is what needs to happen.

And for the parent who is faced with the choice that they will donate their child's organs right now they are not thinking in the heat of the moment that "I don't care if someone else' schools dies waiting for an organ, I don't want them to take my child's organs," because they are so consumed with grief, the real grief that is happening in that very moment, that sometimes it is just not possible to think one way or the other. Some parents can do it. Others cannot. You simply cannot label them as selfish because they feel unable to make that decision at the same time as having to face the very real need to say goodbye to their child.