Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

[frizzfactor]

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

Frizz I feel that way too and have for a long time. Dh, ds and my Mum would all donate, but I can't just get my head around it. Logically and rationally, I know I should, but emotionally, I find it hard, and it is of no use for people to say ignore feelings, because you can't. You have to work through the process of why something is a problem until you've resolved it for yourself.

I get what Milk and echt are saying. I'm on the organ donor list, so is H, and as far as I'm concerned they can take whatever's usable, from organs to skin to limbs, and give the rest to Gunther von Haagens. My mother felt the same way. She was on the organ donor list for decades and was crushed to be told in 2001 that she couldn't be an organ donor or blood donor. I've read the full thread and seen posters saying their loved one who had been treated for cancer was still able to donate, so I'm not sure of the reasons she couldn't. She received several units of blood when she had me and always felt it was her duty to give back.

MIL received a liver transplant in 2002, following several years of deterioration through a congenital autoimmune disorder. After almost 14 years of anti rejection drugs her kidneys are on the verge of packing up. She's being prepped for dialysis and a possible live transplant from her sister. That initial liver transplant has enabled her to meet two grandchildren and watch them grow and flourish, whilst imparting everything that she knows to them, as both a retired teacher and someone who has kicked around a bit. I am so grateful that someone, in their depths of sorrow and pain that fateful night, made the decision to allow their son's organs to be used.

I'm not sure I could make that decision if it were H or DS or DD. I know it's H's wishes and for that reason the decision has been made for me, but with our children I'm not sure I could say yes, knowing that when they are wheeled into theatre alive, albeit brainstem dead and breathing only through a ventilator, they would be dead when they came out. I am genuinely conflicted.

My lovely friend died whilst on the transplant register. Her life could have been saved, she could have had so much more time, she was 21. It makes me so sad to think that someone may have been able to save her life but chose not to.
After death you have no use for your body. Your friends and family will still have lost a loved one but if you are able to donate your organs, hopefully other family's will not. Other people, like my friend, will still be able to have use of their bodies.
I think the opt out system is good because so many people dont get round to signing up. My friend had CF and I think the statistic is 1/3rd of CF patients die on the transplant register, not all these people would receive a transplant I'd everyone who could donated but hopefully many more would. If people care of course they will opt out, they are still given the option and presumably families will still get the final say.

Including my eyes

Brilliant

Having watched a few autopsies, I'm afraid that you aren't going to go to the grave "complete" anyway.

Your brain will be removed. A huge cotton ball will go into where your brain was. All of your organs will be removed and weighed and they will be place in to a bin bag, with your brain and that bin bag will be placed inside you before you are sewn back up.

Better they go to a living person, than sit in a bin bag inside your carcass.

Sorry, that was a bit blunt :-(

Consider how you would feel if your child or family member needed an organ transplant and everyone felt like you and there were no suitable organs available ?!

Sorry, no, I'm a passionate pro-donator and don't understand any of the reasons about 'feeling icky squicky' about it.

You're dead. It's just meat. Meat that can either rot in the ground or save someone's life.

I so completely do not understand wanting to let useful, life-saving organs decompose in the ground when a part of you or your loved one could live on in someone else. Feelings can be reasonable or unreasonable and no one can tell you how to feel, but I just do not understand and I never will. I read a story about a woman whose son died in an accident, but his heart was given to another teen and a few years later the mom got to listen to the heart beating and it was like he was still there. That's beautiful. Surely it makes more sense to want something GOOD to come out of tragedy.

Husky that was rather blunt, and having participated in many post mortems myself I'm fully aware of what happens, along with the sounds and smells. And not everyone has a post mortem.

Havering I agree with what you're saying, and the rational scientist in me knows what's going to happen and understands every bit of what you're saying. I suppose it's just putting it into context with children that people have the greatest difficulty with. With MIL we know the man who gave his organs that night was 22, and some poor mother had to not only comprehend that her son was never going to wake up but also make the decision to allow his organs to be used for transplantation. In my heart of hearts I think I would say yes, it's just a difficult concept to get your head around when it's your own school age children you're thinking of. Many others on this thread have said the same.

I feel the opposite to the OP. When my mum died they didn't take any of her organs (I can't remember the reason why now - they just didn't need them at that time??) and I felt like it was a massive waste of good parts.

this chap is my friend's husband. they've since gone on to adopt a second child and are a lovely family. it's such an inspirational story

www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13647638.A_transplant_saved_my_life_and_meant_I_could_become_a_dad/

one of my work colleagues had a cornea transplant, he's a police officer. this would have never have been possible without it as his eyesight would not have been good enough.

I do understand why a lot of people saying YABU. However, a huge part of the ethics of organ donation is that there is a choice.
I think most people would feel very uncomfortable about receiving an organ that the donor may not have wanted to give. (And I say that as someone that has had a transplant that saved my life).
I do think the opt out system is a good idea though. Because it is much more common that people want to be donors but don't sign the register. They are much more unreasonable IMHO.

My mother thinks donations are 'unnatural' and doesn't want her organs used, except for corneas which apparently can be taken longer after death.

Given that next of kin get to make the decision and she'd be dead, my father and I would request anything that might help others be used. We haven't told her this, obviously. Ensuring she wouldn't be my next of kin was the main reason I got married.

When dd was born they asked if they could take cord blood to save stem cells in case they might be useful. About a year later I received a letter from the NHS saying the cells were a match for someone and would be used to help a very ill baby. I hope it worked for them.

Purely out of interest...

Given that
a. you need to die in fairly specific circumstances,
b. your organs must be compatible with the intended recipient and
c. your next-of-kin has to agree to organs being used

how many people actually die each year simply because 'c.' didn't happen?

If any of you have questions regarding donation and the great gift it is, please look at this very informative website

www.organdonation.nhs.uk/

I used to work in a dialysis unit and regularly treated teenagers and adults alike whose kidneys had failed and were desperately waiting for 'that' telephone call....many died waiting.....
I also have a colleague who had a liver transplant over 25 years ago and has since married, had 2 children and been able to continue in her health related career

YABU. People who actively opt out shouldn't be able to receive organs.

Stopyour - unfortunately I can't find an answer to my question on that site, or anywhere else for that matter!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks

I found this:

More than 500 families in the UK have said no to organ donation taking place since 1 April 2010 despite knowing or being informed their relative was on the NHS Organ Donor Register and wanted to donate. These family refusals have resulted in an estimated 1,200 people missing out on a potentially life-saving transplant.

www.organdonation.nhs.uk/news-and-campaigns/news/families-saying-no-to-donation-results-in-missed-transplant-opportunities-for-uk-patients/

It's an intensely personal decision and in that YANBU.

My daughter died in ICU on vent support, but she had leukaemia so couldn't donate anything. It's a moot point I know, but I'm not entirely sure what I'd have done had she been able to donate. Probably would have gone for it, just, really feel for families in that situation and I think it's wrong to label them selfish if they decide not to (and the person hasn't made his/her wishes known in the past).

I have Cystic Fibrosis (CF) and I'm awaiting a lung transplant. There is no doubt that I will die without it and leave DS and DH. I have been told it will be a long wait, 4 years or so until a match might turn up for me due to my blood group and my size. I'm doing my best to hang on that long.

I fully respect that people may not want to donate for religious or spiritual reasons. But I do also think most of those people would be willing to receive one for themselves or their loved one if the worst should happen.

I find it very sad that some relatives are overriding the wishes of the deceased and stopping potential transplants. I would like to say that I wish family members had no right to do this and there should be some sort of legal framework to a donor card. However the example by a previous poster of a mother screaming while their 18 year old child was wheeled away to have their organs removed really chills me.

I have found it so heart warming to hear how many of you are registered as donors, please discuss your wishes with your Next Of Kin.

Thank you!

a good friend of mine has CF and she would be dead now if it wasnt for the lung transplant she received. She was on deaths door.

I struggle to understand how anyone could refuse to carry a donor card because theyre a bit squeamish. Noones going to kill you for your organs, but if youre dead anyway, by not being on the organ donors register, youre just making sure you take other people with you when you go

BabyOleg CF is a shitty, horrible condition and most commenting here won't understand that transplantation is desperately high in the CF community and most people with CF grow up knowing that they will eventually need a transplant. It certainly changes your viewpoint knowing that.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you get your call.

DH is going on the list for a transplant and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I know I will be flamed but I believe if you are not willing to donate organs you shouldn't be able to receive them. I think everybody deserves the right to choose and go with what suits there beliefs and needs and there is no shame in that. I am happy to donate anything apart from my eyes and would be happy to receive anything but eyes because of my beliefs. But I do feel you should only be willing to receive if you would donate with the exception to children

You just cannot make the comparison between receiving an organ and donating one though. For most people organ donation is merely a hypothetical. You have to die in a very specific set of circumstances to make organ donation a viable option. So even if you say that you would donate, the chances are, you will never be in a position to do so.

We should never live in a country where medical decisions are based on what you are prepared to give before you can receive. Do you really, honestly think that people should be allowed to die slow and agonising deaths, sometimes over the course of years, purely based on whether or not they feel they could donate in the (unlikely) event of their sudden brain death? Is that the kind of medical model you want to be a part of? Where do you think that ends? Maybe if you earn a certain amount of money you shouldn't be entitled to treatment on the NHS? Maybe if you're not eligible to donate you shouldn't be able to receive? Perhaps if you don't donate blood, haven't signed up to the bone marrow register, or maybe even if you wouldn't donate your eggs or sperm you shouldn't be entitled to fertility treatment.

Perhaps live donation should be more of a thing, maybe everyone should be assessed and if you wouldn't donate a kidney or a section of your liver to a deserving stranger you shouldn't receive treatment should you ever need it....

you just cannot judge people who make a decision in the heat of the moment, and yes, it is a moment, maybe a couple of hours but very little more, who feel that they cannot consent to donating the organs of a loved one. There are people on this thread who have had very personal experiences of how this process has affected them detrimentally. Should we discount those and only take account of the positives that were gained? Never mind the bit of upset caused to a child by the insensitivities of the transplant coordinators, or the inability of a poster to be able to move on following donation, all the other positive stories outweigh those negatives.... .

But let's live in a country where you have no choices because having choices means you should be left to die otherwise. Yeah, I'm sure that's the kind of society we all want to live in, isn't it? No, didn't think so.

I've always donated blood since I was able too and been on organ register. DH plus family always were skeptical about it.

Then DH had an accident and needed 28 units of blood& blood products. None of his family donate till this date. DH would but cant. However the good thing that has come out of this is that he is now ( and so are our kids) on the donor register. Dont get me started on the hypocrisy...

Also my cousin had a kidney transplant 18 years ago. Now he has a family and a successful business.

Also I had a great friend when I was younger. He had CF, he was the funniest and brightest person, mostly upbeat but very realistic, his final words to me were: "test for CF if you are ever preggers and terminate if they have, as nobody wants this life."

He was on the transplant list too but too ill in the end to receive the much needed donation. He died a day before his 24th birthday.

I cant see what the purpose is of being cremated or buried in tact is if you can give happiness & hope to people and families left behind....