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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

382 replies

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:12

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

OP posts:
CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 11:44

OK.

So essentially you have a fairly equal split of 'living expenses' re DC nights spent in your home (your DC 9/14. His DC 2/14 *2=8/14). Neither of you subsiding food/water/power etc bills.

However, you have a very unfair split of expenses re clothes, shoes, wellies, coats, days out, treats, holidays etc with him having two children & you only 1.

Why has it evolved this way that you are already spending money on his children like this?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/09/2016 11:44

Do you really think it is fair Hermonine that the op could be contributing several thousand ponds more per annum?

budgiegirl · 07/09/2016 11:44

If you are moving in with him, buying a house together, having a baby together, and have three other children between you, then you ARE becoming a blended family. It is a very tricky situation, but I think that I would personally pay all income (maintenance, earnings etc) into one pot, and then each take out a certain amount for monthly personal spends, savings for all 4 children etc.

I appreciate that this might not be totally fair on your DS, but it's hardly the same as handing over the money to your DP's children. It's part of what being a blended family is all about, it takes a lot of work to ensure that everyone feels fairly treated and part of the family.

If you really feel that this is not fair, then pay in half (maintenance should go towards living expenses, food etc) and save the other half, as a compromise.

Sirzy · 07/09/2016 11:45

Is it really fair that out of 4 children growing up in the same house one child is going to have a much larger savings bank when they are older than the others?

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:45

judy - yes - it does.
I earn more than ex so have always provided more financially for DS

OP posts:
SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 07/09/2016 11:47

I don't think YABU.

I most certainly would not be treating my DS's maintenance as income for the family pot if I could pay my 50% without it.

But I can see your DP's point if he's paying maintenance AND buying stuff but you're receiving maintenance and not using it to buy DS stuff, but using your own/soon-to-be shared money.

I'd get a joint account for bills and pay your own incurred costs out of your respective accounts. That's about as fair as it gets, I think.

Paragonimus · 07/09/2016 11:47

DP thinks we should have his maintenance go out and disregard it as we have no say in how it is spent. He thinks we should then put DS maintenance into "our" pot and save 4 equal sums for the 4 children

That is outrageous and exploitative. How dare he.

If you can manage it then calculate how much you need to run your home/save with a proportional contribution from the both of you. If you reduce your hours for childcare then your share goes down proportionally to how much childcare will cost the both of you.

Then your DS gets his maintenance, his kids get theirs and an equivalent amount gets set aside for your new baby from your joint pot. Anything left over either goes into savings for the both of you or individually. If he chooses to use his share for savings for his kids then that's his call.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 11:48

Please don't move in together OP or if you do keep finances separate.

This is a prime example of a woman being financially screwed over by a male partner, only even worse as they're not even married and she's giving up work, her more lucrative employment, to facilitate his; plus subsidising his family with a previous woman.

He's not a good partner if you weren't already expecting I'd be advising you to walk away and prioritise your child.

dowhatnow · 07/09/2016 11:48

we are paying out twice for his kids, once in maintenance and once in savings.

but you are also paying out for your sons living expenses too.

so living expenses + savings = paying out twice for DS the same as for the step children

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:48

hermione - I see the logic in your suggestion of 3rds.

Just wondering How does the maintenance he pays fit in? Where would you put that?

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:48

dowhat - we pay living expenses for all kids

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:50

cafecreme - we used to do it very separately ie: he would pay for 3/5th of holidays and I would pay for 2/5th but over time we just evolved to paying for days out etc from our "joint" account which we both pay the same amount into.

OP posts:
Paragonimus · 07/09/2016 11:50

And OP, I would rethink living together. You are being financially screwed over.

DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 11:51

The full pot either includes ALL maintenance or NONE.

Include his invome before maintenance, or else your son's maintenance can't be put in the pot.

This prick is trying to have this both ways - his kids' money is out of bounds, but your kid's money is for him to spend on his children.

His maintenance is a family expsense if you were to share everything, so your contribution to the household needs to be based on that calculation.

madein1995 · 07/09/2016 11:52

I personally would keep the money for your DS. If DP and their mum is seperated, does she pay maintenance? If so then presumably they are getting other money anyway. Even if they're not, the money is for your ds. Now if you were spending the money on say heating, or treats like ice creams, obviously you couldn't leave the others out. But when your DS gets that money when he's older, it isn't the same situation. His dad has given him that money - it's not like you're leaving them out etc. The money is for DS where possible. As for how they'd feel when older, well surely they know DS has a different dad? So he gets things from his dad that they don't. That is because you and his dad are seperated. When DS gets the money, I assume they'll all be adults or at least teenagers. So they'd be old enough to realise everyone gets different things, and that sometimes life might not seem fair. Putting it crassly, they'll need to get over it.

THirdEeye · 07/09/2016 11:52

Wether your maintenance is being used to feed/clothe your DS or being saved for his future, really is not your DP's concern.

You would be very stupid to agree to save it for all four children.....l also think that your ex would rightly object to this too.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/09/2016 11:53

Is it really fair that out of 4 children growing up in the same house one child is going to have a much larger savings bank when they are older than the others?

No more unfair than it is that not all children have the same opportunities. This child already has a savings balance. Should he have to give up some of that because his mum has met someone?

They have different parents so they have different opportunities and privileges. That's life. What would be unkind would be to run a household of inequality but things like birthday presents, holidays etc can and should be dealt with on a case by case basis to make sure none of the household children are disadvantaged. What happens in the other household or before they were a blended family cannot be helped and nor should it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/09/2016 11:53

I'd just set up a bank account in my child's name and have the maintenance paid in to that.

OP does not have to save for her SC, it's up to their parents to do that.

defineme · 07/09/2016 11:54

I just can't imagine in the future parents saying to one child they can have money for house deposit but other child can't , are you going to save the same amount of money for the child you're pregnant with? How could children not feel resentful?
On principal, if you make a baby and a home with someone, then I think you should share, but it's so complicated with blended families.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 11:54

Iloveberries. How do you feel about the 2/5 sliding into 50/50?

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 11:55

They're not even her step children they are her boyfriend of two years' kids! She has no parental responsibility for them!

Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 11:55

So if they both earn £3k a month, they keep £1k for themselves and put £2k into the joint pot of £4K a month .

That cover all joint expenses - house , bills . Kids expenses are equal for both adults and shared for the joint kids .

He spends some of him £1k personal money by giving to his ex and whatever else he wants to spend it on.

She spends more her own money on savings for her own child and eats sandwiches fathers than going out for lunch or getting her nails done .

Why is that a problem ? Isn't it her right to save rather than spend ?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/09/2016 11:55

OP how does it work out if you just look at what you need to pay out?

Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 11:57

sandwiches rather than going out for lunch

DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 11:57

The ways men find to exploit women are incredible.

So this guy wants to keep his maintenance out all calculations of expenditure?

Wants full access to your son's maintenance?

And wants you to damage your financial independence so you can look after his new baby for him?

Do not be crazy.

This whole situation is a disaster for youband your son.