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AIBU?

AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

382 replies

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:12

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

OP posts:

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:57

cafecreme - it doesn't bother me. I see it as a "forever" relationship and we are talking about relatively small sums. (Although I am sure they mount up). It wasn't DP's suggestion, I just stopped asking him for the difference in money.

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 07/09/2016 11:57

I earn more than ex so have always provided more financially for DS

Either its a joint pot or it's not. You can't pick and choose the best bits.

You have more money so either choose to keep finance separate and then you can do as you want with your extra money or you put it into a joint pot and you lose out financially in some form or other.

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:59

dowhat - I was answering a question about how I can afford to pay half without my exs maintenance so was explaining that that's always Been the case.

OP posts:

DementedUnicorn · 07/09/2016 12:01

So is the new baby also going to have a savings account with the same money put in each month?

dowhatnow · 07/09/2016 12:02

I know but basically though you are debating with your partner whether to have a joint pot or negotiate a different financial agreement.

It's not a joint pot else.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 12:06

Can't you just ask your ex to put the money he gives as maintenance into a bank account for your child and when your child comes of age it is his gift to him? At least then you protect your son before you start tackling the other financial inequalities and ways you are subsidising his children.

If you are it as a "forever relationship" why don't you get married to protect yourself?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/09/2016 12:09

Would it help to look at it that it's not you saving for your DS, it's his father saving for him?

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:09

gingerbread I think we probably will get married but up until now I haven't felt I needed that for protection.

My worry with money going into DS name is that i have no control over it then, eg. If I lost my job or got ill I couldn't use it for DS, equally I am considering (vaguely) private school for him so may wish to use it for that.

OP posts:

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 12:10

Iloveberries

Yes, it does mount up and quickly the older they get, especially for holidays, music lessons, school trips & the like.

I think if we were all very happy I'd be fine, but if things don't go well or we separated I'd actually become a bit resentful & feel my DS had suffered because I had chosen to live with someone else, not him. So I think I might feel the need to protect him/myself against this possibility.

However, with another child on the way, you've probably gone a bit beyond that point anyway 😩

Let's try another angle.

IF after you have the baby, DP was to walk out leaving you with DS & the baby to raise, could you afford to keep the savings at the same level for DS & start one at the same level for Baby?

What would you do returning to work?

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:11

I think DP is just concerned that his kids might lose out as their mum isnt a saver. But to be honest and I know this sounds harsh but that's not my problem, or my DS. That's the person he had his kids with so that's that

OP posts:

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 12:11

Oh my... Private school.

The new Boyf won't allow that if his are state educated. And so it begins....

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 12:13

Do not get the money put isn't DS's name. It is NOT his. NOR is it his father saving for him. Everyone needs to get that out of their heads. The money his father pays, pays for bills, towards raising his son. Any savings have come directly from your wages.

FinallyHere · 07/09/2016 12:13

DP thinks we should have his maintenance go out and disregard it as we have no say in how it is spent. He thinks we should then put DS maintenance into "our" pot and save 4 equal sums for the 4 children.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? Smacks of what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine.

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:14

cafecreme
If DP left me with the baby and DS then no I couldn't save the same for baby as DS as baby would cost me more as id have childcare payments etc.

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 07/09/2016 12:14

I thin you need to keep finances separate. It's not going to work else.

Sirzy · 07/09/2016 12:14

Exactly cafe

The father is contributing the money to his child's up keep. The OP is the one choosing to put an equivalent amount of her savings into an account for him.

DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 12:15

Do the sums again, and include his maintenance in the pot.

Now how much are his children getting relative to yours?

He wants this both ways.

And that is exploitative.

He sees money that he can access and the fact that it is your son's money and that you have been saving it since your last relationship split doesn't matter to him.

He wants it for his own kids.

As well as half your earnings.

DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 12:16

If DP left you with the baby, how much maintenance would you get from him?

DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 12:18

And of course don't put those savings where you can't touch them.

Just where your DS's mum's boyfriend can't.

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:19

I have said "let's ignore maintenance on both sides as what he pays is for his and what I get is for mine" but he feels it will look unfair when kids are older as mine will have a pot from maintenance whereas there's MIGHT NOT.

However I keep pointing out that theirs might have huge inheritance / his ex could marry a millionaire/ my ex could win lottery. It will never be equal. But he feels really strongly that what we as a couple save for our 4 children should be equal.

(Background: his mum was a single SAHM and his stepmum had a really good career so his half brother had opportunities he didn't. I see the "unfairness" in this but things can never be 100% fair with different parents.)

OP posts:

SimplyLovely · 07/09/2016 12:19

OP this seems a bit dodgy. Keep the savings the way they are. Its not fair on your DS.
Just because OPs step kids mother doesnt save doesnt mean her son should have less.

YelloDraw · 07/09/2016 12:20

DP thinks we should have his maintenance go out and disregard it as we have no say in how it is spent. He thinks we should then put DS maintenance into "our" pot and save 4 equal sums for the 4 children.

Oh yeah, fantastic. Because that totally benefits HIM and HIS CHILDREN at the detriment yo YOUR children.

FFS

I would keep your finances separate. You pay for your DS. HJe pays for his. Put in an amount into a joint account for house hold expenditure, holidays nad your joint child.

Blending families is just such a disaster most of the time. You hardly ever hear from the children of the first marriage, as adults, saying how awesome it was their parents went and had more kids with another partner.

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Sirzy · 07/09/2016 12:21

You can't control the opportunities from outside the home but things from within the family unit should be as fair as possible for all children who are part of that family unit. Is not fair to save for one and not the others.

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:21

doinit just did rough calculation and I think he'd need to give me around £900 per month

OP posts:

Bluebolt · 07/09/2016 12:21

This has so many angles, the maintenance is for the son but is being saved, but if used as intended the OP is the actual one saving for her DS unless the maintenance is extremely high. I save child benefit by budgeting the rest of our income to buy what the CB was intended for the reality is it is me saving the money not the government iyswim. The new child does change the dynamics.

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