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AIBU?

AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

382 replies

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:12

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:57

At the moment (before buying house) we pay 50/50 on mortgage bills etc and I buy everything for my DS out of my earnings.

I also go 50/50 on holidays, days out etc even though technically there are only 2 for me to pay for and there are 3 for him to pay for

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StopMakingMeLogOn · 07/09/2016 10:59

I wouldn't live with him tbh. You are arguing over money already. If I was your exh I would not like my money being used to dupport your new dps kids. If your wage enables you to support your dc without needing the maintenance then of course you should save it if that is what you want to do. I can see no reason why it should go into the pot to support your dp's kids while his maintenance could well be being saved for when his dc go to uni (if his ex is like you and doesnt need it to pay day to day costs).

He is being massively cheeky with your money.

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MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/09/2016 10:59

Where the money is coming from is irrelevant. What is relevant is how much you each contribute to the household funds and that should reflect the costs incurred by each of you.

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CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 11:00

He is no more subsidising your DS than you are his DC.

Their maintenance gets paid from your joint account.
Your DS's maintenance gets paid from your joint account.

It's irrelevant where that money goes.

The only complication I can see here is what happens about your joint DC. You & your SDC's Mum (apparently anyway) are in a position to each save the maintenance money for the children, so your joint DC might end up being the only DC not having savings, OR your SDC's mum might not be saving theirs and your DC might be the only one who ends up with savings. However, I'd not mention the savings to any of the DC & see what happens in the future.


However, today's issue is that 'is it fair for you to save DS's maintenance. Yes it is. It's as fair as him paying his DC's maintenance.

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:00

Sorry - the new baby, yes.

DP thinks we should have his maintenance go out and disregard it as we have no say in how it is spent. He thinks we should then put DS maintenance into "our" pot and save 4 equal sums for the 4 children.

I can see his logic here.

However I feel this ends up being unfair on "my" children. DS loses out on his savings pot and "our" baby gets saved for once. In contradiction as a family we are paying out twice for his kids, once in maintenance and once in savings.

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DisneyMillie · 07/09/2016 11:00

Why would it make you a shit mum? It would mean your child is benefitting from maintenance with life experiences? I'm not saying don't save anything but i think the current situation is not what I'd do.

(For reference I get £1500 a month in maintenance - a lot I know - I save £500 for dds future and the rest goes in the family pot - my exh is totally happy with this as it's not to buy me handbags it's for his dd to get a great lifestyle as she lives with us 95% of the time) which yes includes good holidays)

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budgiegirl · 07/09/2016 11:00

His ex doesn't have a DP but I was asking him the question to make the point that if ex is smart enough to save for "their" kids

You're expecting your DP's ex to be smart enough to save for her kids be cause she earns enough to not need the maintenance for day to day living? The maintenance is your DP's contribution to the day to day living though, isn't it? What she then does with her money after that is her business surely. She can piss it up a wall if she chooses to do so.

If your DP wants his kids to have savings, he could open an account himself for them, in addition to his maintenance.

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DementedUnicorn · 07/09/2016 11:02

Are you going to be saving the same amount of money per month for your joint child?

If not, then that will be really unfair on them when older.

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gillybeanz · 07/09/2016 11:03

two years is nothing, what if it all goes wrong as quite often can with blended families.
Tbh i'd leave off buying a house together after only 2 years, irrespective of the maintenance money.

The money is your child's nobody else's and YANBU to keep it for whatever purpose you want, for your child. It shouldn't be spent on other people's children whoever they are.

Whoops, just seen the mat leave bit, so I don't know.
Maybe just save a proportion whilst on Mat leave. If you separate maintenance from your first child will you be able to provide the same savings for your second between you and dp.

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Arfarfanarf · 07/09/2016 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 07/09/2016 11:03

But 50/50 isn't necessarily a fair split if there are three of you in the property on an average day (you, DS and DP) to pay for. It should be more like 66.6/33.3.

To work out what is really fair would mean sitting down and doing an extensive list of time spent in the residence (assuming his DC stay over at times), percentage of bedrooms used, money spent on outings, car usage, yadda yadda.

I really think you should put at least some of the maintenance into the pot- even if just for the principle of it.

What you all choose to save from your personal accounts after daily life has been paid for is of course entirely your choice:

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:03

Disney - do you have stepkids as well?

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:07

saucy - we probably spend more on his 2 than my 1. Mine is with his dad sometimes so not always here. When his are here there are two of them.
Things like clothes, shoes, bags, hobbies we pay twice for for his 2 and once for for my one. I do think 50/50 on kid stuff probably benefits him more than me!

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Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 11:07

I think you should keep you kids maintenance and his kids maintenance separate .

Then everyhthing else thats left goes in the family pot. Out of this pot you support his two kids for a smaller amount of time and your one child ( not his ) slightly more of the time.

So that should balance out .

All costs for your joint child shoudl come from the family pot eg childcare , topping up your pension from mat leave and if you go part time .

I'm amazed at the poster who suggested that the OP woudl be " contributing nothing " during her maternity leave !

She's having THEIR baby, it's not a paid holiday . I can only assume you've never been on maternity leave and cared for a newborn , one older child and two step children .

OP - please don't get into the habit of doing all childcare, housework and wifework while you are on mat leave. You will find it very hard to get back to sharing these 50:50 when you go back to work .

Also don't let your partner pay the mortgage and bills while you pay for food and the cars. Pay everything from a joint account

OP I hope you have legal agreements over the house you are buying jointly and wills etc.

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:07

Plus he spends a FORTUNE on fuel ferrying his to and from their mums

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DisneyMillie · 07/09/2016 11:07

I don't have step kids but we do now have one of our own - we'll save equally for her.

I understand it's much harder with step kids in the picture but I still think you need to look at it how arf more eloquently explained

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MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/09/2016 11:08

A lot of these posts assume the op earns significantly less than her dp.

What if the op earns the same as her dp? Should she still be expected to pool all her money and maintainence together?

Let's say they both earn £30k pa after tax. His contribution is reduced by £5k in maintainence payments.

So contributions to the pot:

Him = £25k
Her = £30k

And you still think she should pay the maintainence on top? Let's say she gets £2500 in maintainence per year. That makes the contributions as follows:

Him = £25,000
Her = 32,500

As I said before, you need to stop looking at what is going in and start looking at what is going out and make sure you are each paying your fair share.

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Doggity · 07/09/2016 11:10

I have read the whole thread but can I clarify, are you planning to save for the new baby? And are you saving for his kids from the previous relationship too?

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Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 11:12

I was assuming that they earned the same and contributed the same. Otherwise OP woudl have said , wouldn't she, as that's very relevant ?

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:13

disney - hi yes arfs post was useful but I am the sort of person who wants a comfortable standard of living but would then save for my DC future, not necessarily increase my standard of living. Eg. I'd rather put £30 a week into savings and take sandwiches to work than buy lunch out - it's just who I am!

DS still has basically everything he needs and definitely doesn't go without so all I would spend the money on would be holidays / meals out / nicer car. I would have always chosen to save for him over these things. (We can already have 1 abroad holiday a year anyway.)

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iloveberries · 07/09/2016 11:14

Yes we have been earning the same and contributing the same and each doing what we like with our spare money.

On mat leave I will earn less and after mat leave will probably only be able to work P/t due to childcare and DPs job (I'm aware this disadvantages me)

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Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 11:17

If you are going part time to suit his job and his child, you need to up your pension contributions - this must come from the joint pot as its a cost incurred from your joint child .

It's very important that you do this, as you are not married and have no claim on his pension .

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Sirzy · 07/09/2016 11:17

Your supposed to be a family now. All this "mine" and "his" doesn't work. You are a family with 4 children between you. Those 4 children should be treated fairly in your family.

What ex partners do is their choice but you can't treat children so differently without it causing a lot of resentment down the line.

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GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 11:18

YANBU there is no way on earth you can take your child's money and give it to a new boyfriend. Any kind of suggestion from him that he or his children should be entitled to my child's money and I'm sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me. You as half of the couple will be paying your way- he doesn't get your child's money, earmarked for their future. He doesn't need it why does he want it. I'm sorry but you've only been together a couple of years he's just a boyfriend. If it doesn't work out between you two and you lose out fair enough you took the risk. Your child didn't. This is a red flag for me do not compromise on it.

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DisneyMillie · 07/09/2016 11:19

Then I think the only important thing is that your partner has a similar wish lifestyle wise. If he does then I'd pool all spare money - his and yours and split it between all childrens savings. Yes your child may not get as much but assuming your partner saves his too it might not be much different and anything else is likely to breed resentment. It's so tough second time round as there's no way that's totally fair.

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