AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

[iloveberries]

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

[JudyCoolibar]

At least some of it should go into the living expenses pot, otherwise your DP is subsidising your child at the expense of his own children and your future child. Have you started saving equivalent amounts for the child you are expecting?

[mydietstartsmonday]

As a compromise, while on maternity leave use it for living expenses for your child.
Once back to work revert to saving it.

He is paying maintenance for his children so that will not be in the family pot either.

[HanYOLO]

I think having a child between you changes things rather a lot.

Previously you could have been thought of as being still separate families in a way.

I think it all should go into family finances, and then you see what you can save, equally, for all your children.

[iloveberries]

saucy - I know - I was just answering your question about how I know she doesn't NEED the money.

I'm not expecting him to subsidise my child. As I said in my OP I have always been able to pay for my child out of my earnings. I'm not suddenly able to save more because he is paying towards things. Equally out of our family pot come all the costs for his kids. So they all need clothing, feeding, activities paid for etc.

cabbages - yes, technically I guess his maintenance payments come out of the family pot but I've never thought of it like that, I've just thought of his income as the money he gets after maintenance payments. But you're right that I could say his maintenance was OUR money if he is saying that about my sons maintenance. I've asked him how he'd feel if his ex was saving the maintenance he paid and her new partner wanted it split with his kids and he wouldn't like it. He says that the difference is we have control over what we do with the money for my DC but not with the money for his.

I see it that if I put it into the "family" pot then DS suffers because I chose to be with someone with 2 kids - and that seems unfair. If I'd stayed single he'd have got a bigger savings pot but because I've chosen to be with DP and if it goes into family money then it gets split.

[19lottie82]

I'd put half in the "pot" and half away in savings.

If you have joint finances, I can see your DPs point TBH. You're asking him to contribute towards raising your child (if you split everything down the middle), so why should this money that is specifically provided for your sons living expenses, not be put towards expenses.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

YANBU. He is 'subsidising' 1 child, the one you have, you are subsidising 2 by his maintainence and when you have them. Incomes into the family pot, keep saving the maintenance for your child. Presumably you are on mat leave for your DPs child so that shouldn't come into it.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

YANBU!!

That money is for your children, not your stepchildren! Of course you will end up spending it on things like electricity etc... but that shouldn't mean your DP should pay less towards those things.
And any left over should be kept safely to go towards your children- your DSCs shouldn't get a sniff of it.

[Dailymailisacrapnewspaper]

I would suggest that you both agree an amount that you will put into a joint pot. The same amount for both. He will pay his maintenance from the remaining amount. In addition you will put in 50% of the maintenance amount that he pays for his children (so you have 1 child and he has 2). That was no-one can be seen to be subsidising anyone.

Anything left either of you are free to spend as you wish and so if we want he can save for his children.

Comparing contributing to housework is rubbish and sets a poor precedent. You should both share all domestic chores equally.

[iloveberries]

I understand the point that he is contributing to my kids upbringing but I am contributing to his in exactly the same way.

I am on a decent mat pay so earning less but still contributing

[Sirzy]

It doesn't sound like this is a very well "blended" family. Is all them and us.

Forgetting th step children side for a second though are you happy to have a large amount of savings for one of you biological children and not the other?

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Just seen your latest post.

So you pay for your child that you can afford anyway, and you pay for his 2 via the family pot, plus he wouldn't want his ex's new DP to have the maintenance he pays into that family pot. He is taking the piss. Totally double standards there.

[SoupDragon]

You need to make sure that your DC's living expenses are fully covered by you and not coming out of the family pot. Who is covering these costs whilst you are on maternity leave? When it was just you and him it was easy.

[takesnoprisoners]

I would pay 50% towards family pot and save the other half. But that's just me. As long as you are paying in the same amount as your OH, it is fine I suppose. If you are having one more child, you must put in more money.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

YANBU it should go into savings.

So long as you contribute equally to the "family pot" and nobody is going short as a result of you saving it, what you do with your ex's maintenance payments is really none of his business.

[iloveberries]

His ex doesn't have a DP but I was asking him the question to make the point that if ex is smart enough to save for "their" kids, it would be really unfair on the kids if her choice of new partner meant there was less money for them

[iloveberries]

soup - I can cover living expenses from my mat leave payments

[DisneyMillie]

There's also the argument that you're restricting the family's life by saving. You might not NEED the money for basic living but it should be going towards electric/mortgage/holidays etc as your child's share. If there's 5 of you living there then if you split the expenses 5 ways that's your sons share. By not paying that into the family pot you're reducing spare money that could be used for holidays etc and surely that should be a joint decision

Also maintenance is to ensure the child has the same standard of life they would have had if parents had stayed together - so of the ex earns a lot that will sometimes mean "subsidising" the new family so they can have the nice house etc. It's not as straight forward as just bare necessities,

[AndNowItsSeven]

It should go into the pot, the money is for your child's upkeep , not her future as an adult.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

YANBU - I totally agree with what cafecreme said. He is paying out maintenance for his kids which your family pot is therefore 'losing' - why should your ds money be shared among everyone while his DC money goes solely to them?

[witsender]

50/50 sounds fairest to me.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

It didn't sound like shared finances will work for you.

Why not set up a joint account and agree to fund all household expenses out of that? Then you each have your own money that is yours to spend on your own children as you see fit.

You would need to each pay in the relative amounts for your own children and split 50:50 the costs for your new baby.

Then anything for your own children is paid for by their parent from their own pot.

Tbh if I wasn't married I wouldn't share finances as if I were married.

[trafalgargal]

So who is paying for all of your child's living expenses? If it is you exclusively then fair enough , if you pay more than half of all utilities , mortgage ,food etc and for all of his clothes, trips, presents with no financial contribution from your current partner then it's fair. If you are expecting to save all the child support but expect your partner to pay even in part for your child then YABU

[iloveberries]

disney - so even though we split everything 50/50 and he has 2 kids and I have 1 (currently) do you still think my DS maintenance money should be used for family holidays for the 5 of us. I think that would make me a really shit mum.

[iloveberries]

trafalgar - why do I need to be paying more than half of everything?

[Sirzy]

I love - you seem to be ignoring the questions about how does the new baby fit into this?