AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

[iloveberries]

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

[SandyY2K]

Keep it as it is. Your Ex should not be contributing to your partners kids future. No way.

I would insist it stays seperate and YANBU.

[Kr1stina]

I have to say that I think it's a bit odd to suggest that YOU contribute to savings for HIS children ( wherever that money comes from )

Surely it's your job to save you your kids , his job to save for his and for both of you to save for your joint child?

You are not married , they are not your step children and I assume you have no parental responsibilities for each other's kids ?

[dowhatnow]

Difficult one. I can see both sides. Originally I was with you but I think I've changed my mind.
Everything together pays for all 4 kids. Maintenance directly out for his kids and a similarish amount of money used from the pot for your son and the shared child. So everyone's living expenses paid for from a shared pot. Everyone is equal and had living expenses paid for. So now the savings should be equal too.
His ex could be saving for her kids But your ex could also save for your ds too if he wanted too. Both exes are contributing to their children's upkeep and savings. You need to keep things as fair as you can at your end.

[ohdearme1958]

DP thinks we should have his maintenance go out and disregard it as we have no say in how it is spent. He thinks we should then put DS maintenance into "our" pot and save 4 equal sums for the 4 children

your partner is asking you to subsidise his maintenance payments, and for your previous partner to be subsiding your household and all of the children.

[iloveberries]

No, not married and no parental responsibility

[trafalgargal]

"Why do I need be paying more than half of everything ?"

Surely the question is why should your partner be expected to pay more than half when you are contributing less but squirrelling money away which is meant to be money to cover the child's living expenses. Might have worked before but ultimately with a joint child you will be depriving that new child of a better standard of living/treats by diverting the older child's money from his portion of living expenses into exclusive savings.

[Pimmmms]

Basically, you want it all. You want your first DC to have all the benefit of maintenance money, but you want to join the families financially.

In these situations there is no one right way of doing things, but there are some wrong ways. And what you're thinking of is wrong if you wish to have a properly blended family.

[SandyY2K]

Your DP benefits financially already from this and now he wants his kids to benefit even more at the expense of your DS.

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

If it were me I'd tell my ex partner and father of my child the situation and tell him to effectively stop maintainence and ask him to set up a bank account for the child. You and your DP contribute 50/50 to the household and then keep other finances separate. I wouldn't take my child's money to fritter away on someone else's kids for no reason sorry but I wouldn't there is a difference between DC and DSC and there's no guarantee this relationship will last.

[Kr1stina]

She doesn't have a proper blended family . They aren't married and they don't have parental rights go each other's kids . 3/4 of the kids have another parent and live elsewhere some of the time.

There's money come in and going out to other parents .

It's complicated . You can't just wave a magic wand and make it like the Waltons

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

How good is your relationship with your ex and how good is his with his ex?

How much time do each of the children spend with each parent?

Do you buy about the same amount of 'stuff' for all of the children or more for your DS? (Stuff like clothes, school bag, shoes, coats etc).

[JudyCoolibar]

Your DP benefits financially already from this and now he wants his kids to benefit even more at the expense of your DS.

I can't see that. OP's DP is contributing to the expenses of housing, clothing and feeding OP's child, so how would he benefit financially if he gets that paid back? As Arf points out, because she is not putting 50% of the costs of maintaining her child into the pot, there is less available for the whole family.

[DoinItFine]

DP thinks we should have his maintenance go out and disregard it as we have no say in how it is spent. He thinks we should then put DS maintenance into "our" pot and save 4 equal sums for the 4 children.



You would be INSANE to agree to this.

What an exploitative arrangement.

He basically wants to take money from your son to give it to his children.

No fucking way.

And don't be cutting down your hours and your ability to look after your son to provide free childcare for this man who has no financial responsibility towards you or your son.

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

This is so unfair to your child it's laughable. Why would you save for your boyfriend's children? Is his ex's partner squirrelling her money away for your children?

Come on this is crazy! And why I would never share finances within a so called "blended family" it just doesn't work especially when there are chances like your new boyfriend about.

[Hedgeh0g]

So, I can see both sides. But ultimately, you're within your rights to save whatever proportion of your income you wish (within reason, as long as you are still contributing fairly to the household expenses), for your child's future, and your dp can do the same. So, it'd be fair, in my opinion, for you to contribute that money to the family living expenses pot, but then to take out the same amount from your income to save each month for your dc. Which of course would be an unnecessary waste of time, but you could put it to your dp like that if it's causing arguments?

[DoinItFine]

As for "we" having "control" of your son's money?!

You have control of that money.

Doesn't sound like he likes that.

[Sirzy]

The one I feel sorry for is the new baby as it seems no matter what they are going to end up being stuck in the middle and treated differently to one set of siblings or the other.

By having a baby together that brings in a new level of "blending" and is why you need to find the fairest solution for all not just saving for some and not others!

[Lunar1]

Honestly, the fairest thing to do would be to not blend your families. Because what's technically right (your way) isn't going to lead to a blended anything.

What happens when they reach an age to get this money? Dc1 gets a big pot of money, your dp tells his children-go see your mum, hopefully she saved for you as I couldn't. Then where does your joint child fit into it all? Will you save for them, and where would that money come from?

If you want to be a blended family then as a couple you need to provide equally for your 4 children.

If you want to retain benefits exclusive for your child, that's absolutely fine. But don't live together, don't have the pretence of a blended family where they are not treated equally within your home. Because you can't control what they get from others, only what each home provides.

[iloveberries]

cafecreme - relations on my side are pretty good. His ex is more tricky but not awful.

My DC is here 9/14 nights. His 2 are here 4/14 (though there are two.)

What we spend on the children is equal give or take a few quid to someone each month. The only difference I can think of is that we buy DS school shoes and not stepkids. But everything else which we buy for one we buy for all. Even though DS is here more they have same clothes etc, the stepkids still need coats, shoes, wellies.

Why is everyone saying I'm not putting in half the costs of maintaining my child into the pot? If I could pay for my child alone as a Single parent then obviously I can support him 100%

[JudyCoolibar]

Why are you buying your DH's children all their clothes, shoes, coats etc? Doesn't their mother buy any?

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I agree you would be mad to do this. I've already demonstrated how much more you pay in then him if you earn the same.

The fact you are planning to earn less to accommodate your dp's inability to equally share the load due to his job is just disadvantaging you further. If you were to split up your existing child will suffer from your reduced income.

[iloveberries]

judy their mum sends them to us on wkend in school shoes and obviously they can't wear them all weekend. Since the beginning she's refused to lack a bag for them as she's "too busy" so we just make sure they have what they need here.

[iloveberries]

Their mum does buy stuff as well although likes to keep it all separate.

[JudyCoolibar]

Why is everyone saying I'm not putting in half the costs of maintaining my child into the pot?

Because that equates, at least notionally, to what your ex is paying and you aren't putting that into the pot. Does what you do put into the pot cover absolutely everything in terms of housing, electricity and gas, insurance, community charge, water rates, telephone and internet charges, food, clothes, travel, holidays, toiletries etc for both you and your son?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Money is always going to be complicated when there are children from other relationships involved.

But I generally think the fairest way (despite what I said earlier) is to pool all income (including maintenance) and put it in a joint account. Once bills, mortgage/rent, council tax, groceries and expenses are paid for, then split the remainder equally. 1/3 to you, 1/3 to DP and 1/3 into general family savings. If you then want to save some of your 1/3 for DS, you can. If DP wants to spend his on new clothes or toys, he can. But there's always 1/3 left for general family savings (which can be spent on presents, a new car, broken boiler, holidays, whatever).

I think over time it generally evens out. Yes, your DP has two kids to support from the general pot, but they're not there for as much time as your one DC, so the amount spent on each child across a whole year is probably about equal.