To break 3 cups in anger?

[insideoutcake]

Today my two youngest have pushed me over the edge. The eldest went back to school yesterday and the
Middle returns Thursday. It's been a long hard summer keeping calm and following best parenting advice but this morning I truly blew up. After the middle one refused to stay on the time out step I screamed and threw 3 cups from the holder onto the floor. No kids were harmed physically but they all look a bit sheepish now and obviously think I'm a psycho. They're probably right.

My parents used to throw stuff in anger. I hated it. Really really hated it. It's actually pretty scary for a child to see their parent lost control.

I don't have much of a temper so I don't have tips. I can see that if your natural reaction is to lose your shit (that's not a criticism, it's just personality differences that can't be helped) it must be hard to stop yourself reacting in anger.

Nobody says she has to stay calm, just don't do shit like that in front of the children

ninasimone why would 'starting early' on wine be ideal in this situation? little kids in the house and OP lost control already - alcohol isn't going to help. ridiculous advice.

I'm with the minority of posters who think that yes, this kind of thing happens, no parent wants to completely lose it with their kids and it's shit for everyone but I can't get too excited about it.

I also don't think it's a bad thing to expose kids to seeing their parents as complete human beings with diverse and varied emotional states, including scary emotions such as anger, grief or fear. I don't think it makes something ultimately terrible just because a child was scared for five minutes; many things scare us as children and we learn - we grow. Obviously there are lines, but for me this falls under that line. Unless it's a regular occurrence or ever crosses over into interpersonal violence or deliberately malicious acts, this is just a parent losing their shit at their kids.

And within certain boundaries I do think that needs to happen sometimes, but the upshot needs to be talking to the kids about why this happened, why mummy acted that way, an apology, an explanation of how better mummy would deal with these things and also how being a family is being a team and how the things we do can affect the other people in our team - and we all need to be kinder to each other because nobody was happy with what happened today. Appreciate I'm in the minority.

If a poster has said her husband had done this, she would be told he was abusive and to leave him.

But because the person who did it posted, and because the victims in the situation were children, we're supposed to comfort her and reassure her it's okay?

Fuck that.

Abusive behaviour always starts somewhere, and smashing things in anger, then smashing MORE things because you're still angry, is abusive. The children must be terrified.

Get help. Call your GP today, or even reach out to social services and ask for some parenting support. Someone has already mentioned the anger management course that Mind run. Attend it. Read up on alternative techniques for when you get the urge to smash things in front of your children.

I would guess that nearly all parents lose their temper from time to time. That's normal human behaviour. But losing one's temper can range from the very mild to the very extreme. Yell if you need to, but don't smash stuff in front of them.

I am hmm at all these Mumsnet parents who are always 100% emotionally calm in front of their kids. I've never actually seen a parent in real life who was like that when tried to the end of their endurance. Most parents I know do a damn good job, but they sometimes make mistakes.

There's a huge gap between remaining "100% emotionally calm" and smashing plates, though. Nobody on here is saying they're the perfect parent, just that losing your temper isn't the same as smashing things in anger!

If you were a teacher and did this you would be sacked. Teachers have far more children to cope with and, at secondary school, with mouthy kids, far more provocation.
I can't bear the sisterhood excuse for behaving in a way that would be roundly condemned if carried out by a man.
You need to find ways of lessening your anger and frustration. Believe me, your children will remember if you behave like this again.

My mum used to pull this shit and I was terrified of her, which grew to hatred. I moved out as soon as I could and see her twice a year now.

I once kicked a hole in the wall at home when the children were little (cardboard type walls, but still a hole). It was once, I never did it again and it stood as a reminder of the utter loss of control I'd experienced, til my lovely husband filled it in so we could all move on. It really was just once, but it shocked me into seeing that I needed do relaxation/react better. My husband once upturned a shelf in a similar situation when searching for something. It was scary, and if it were a regular part of our lives, I'd be moving on.

I can't say whether this is one of those one off moments which really shocks you into getting a grip on the situation, or the start of something worse. I think you have to decide what you want it to be yourself, and then work towards that. No lecture from me, to err is human.

Right! The op did something in a moment of madness that was massively unreasonable, we all know that. She fucked up and her post on here perhaps wasn't worded correctly. But she obviously felt she could come on here, vent and get some help. Now she's not been back and is probably too scared to read the thread and the useful advice that could have helped her and in turn her children.

The OP can self refer to a free parenting course. I have and I'm starting in October. I've never lost my temper with my son, but I can sometimes feel it rising when he's being wild and need to learn how to deal with discipline effectively as my son gets older (I'm overly soft and then get frustrated when he wont behave ). There's no shame in saying that you need some pointers and guidance, it doesn't make you a bad parent to try and improve yourself.

But what's worse - smashing a few cups, or yelling at the child? Personally, I'd find the latter way more awful because it's directed personally rather than an expression of generalised frustration like smashing. This is probably to do with my own experience - smashing tended not to lead to physical violence, whereas shouting was often the prelude to it.

Both are really unacceptable, of course. But I just don't believe there are that many parents who have never, ever raised their voice at their children. We're all human. (For the record, I don't have kids).

Oh God , OP look into some anger management. My mum used to do this then it escalated to throwing something at me so it just missed me. She thinks it's hilarious and can't see anything wrong with it all

But what's worse - smashing a few cups, or yelling at the child?

And again there are lots of different levels of yelling too. Raising your voice and telling them to stop being a brat is different to effing and blinding.

Try not to take all the YABU to heart, OP. I threw a cup once as I'd had enough. Kids looked shocked but it didn't change anything and they don't remember it now. I've never done it since and wouldn't but yesterday two of them made me want to cry so I get how you must feel. I've been up since four, spent three hours cleaning ds2 disgusting room, words will be had and to top it all off my lunch is not cook from frozen. Get some chocolate and out your feet up for a bit.

OP surely you knew coming on here you'd get this response?
This is the home of perfect parents! Nobody here fucks up and when you admit to it well shit, you need serious help.

This thread is dreadful.

A mother at the end of her tether admits to losing her rag in a very unconstructive way and immediately it's likened to child abuse and domestic abuse.

We all have stories to share, from one off incidents of fraught parents doing things they otherwise wouldn't do if they were not in that frame of mind (sleep deprived, red mist etc) to posters who experienced crockery throwing as a regular form of control and coercion. I think the OP is in the former category, where she has just lost her rag as a one-off thing following a culmination of events and circumstances. I think the points that it's not a good thing to do and that she needs help to manage her frustration have been well and truly drummed home. Constructive ideas for dealing with a) challenging behavior, especially at fraught breakfast times, and b) managing frustration to prevent this happening again would have been well received, but no. Mumsnet has to go the way of a lynch mob after the publication of a paedophile address list in the News of the World circa 1994.

Someone came on here confessing what they'd done (which they already knew was a bad thing to do for why say it otherwise?) and asking for help. And what did they get?

Mumsnet has to go the way of a lynch mob after the publication of a paedophile address list in the News of the World circa 1994.

Oh give me a break.

You're the one who sounds hysterical.

But what's worse - smashing a few cups, or yelling at the child?

Those aren't the only two courses of action avaliable!

'Making memories', really do give it a rest.

If she'd been appearing to be seeking help rather than validation the thread might have gone differently

I didnt see her seeking validation anywhere. What I did see was someone needing to vent. Perhaps if people had been slightly kinder she would have been back and asked for help or taken some of the decent advice.