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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To break 3 cups in anger?

191 replies

insideoutcake · 06/09/2016 11:00

Today my two youngest have pushed me over the edge. The eldest went back to school yesterday and the
Middle returns Thursday. It's been a long hard summer keeping calm and following best parenting advice but this morning I truly blew up. After the middle one refused to stay on the time out step I screamed and threw 3 cups from the holder onto the floor. No kids were harmed physically but they all look a bit sheepish now and obviously think I'm a psycho. They're probably right.

OP posts:

PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 06/09/2016 11:30

I don't think it's great but it's happened now and can't be changed.

Your options are:

Seek help. Mind do anger courses for a fiver, self-referral.

Carry on like this and cause them to think less of you, or copy you at school and get into trouble.

Guarantee it can never happen again and it's a once off. Tip: that's pretty unlikely. End of terms and holidays are hard, but plenty in life is harder and chances are that something else will trigger it.

You're not a bad person, it's not the end of the world, but you need to deal with it like an adult, because this stuff damages relationships.

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/09/2016 11:30

And really...you'd all leave your partners if they lost their tempers and broke something...once? Wow....what blissfully calm lives you all must lead.

Yes. I have done once and I would again. It was indicative of much bigger problems - serious anger management issues and a horrific temper. The shouting I tolerated. The door-slamming and walking out in a temper I tolerated. But when he picked up a lamp and threw it at the wardrobe, I knew it was game over.

It's horrific behaviour - it's scary and it's used to control people. It's basically a way of saying "behave or I'll smash up the house". He only did it when we argued and only when he was in the wrong.

Funnily enough, violence and smashing things in temper isn't a particularly appealing trait in a partner or parent.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 06/09/2016 11:31

I don't think it hurts children if, very occasionally, their behaviour causes their mum to lose her shit.

It's not something I'd condone, but it's not abusive. Fwiw I don't think being endlessly patient and all reasonable sweetness and light does children any favours, either

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 11:31

FV45 So it's okay for anyone to smash things up in an argument then? What about a partner terrifying another partner by being aggressive?

Having standards isn't the same as having a calm and easy life.

You want to fuck your DC up by letting them see shit like that, fine, but don't be surprised if it screws them up later in life.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 11:33

And of course being endlessly patient isn't necessarily the best thing to do but surely there is middle ground between that and breaking shit!

I don't think it hurts kids to see that parents are human with human emotions but that is a world away from losing it like that and that seemingly not giving a shit, just making a joke about them thinking she's a 'psycho'

Boogers · 06/09/2016 11:34

House

We all live in different worlds, and your normal is not my normal. My mother was an absolutely fantastic mother, this was just one very, very hard period when she didn't have enough money to pay my bus fare to school or my lunch money or be able to afford to buy me a new pair of shoes, let alone the thing I was asking for. It's a personal momentary snapshot of one incident that I offered as an example as to how people sometimes lose their shit. Don't you dare make that out to be something it's not.

GobblersKnob · 06/09/2016 11:34

Parenting is rough, the VAST majority of parents really do want to get it right, yet we nearly all fuck up at one point or another, we are only human.

Personally I think the most important thing is to apologise and explain to your children why you felt like that, I actually think it's good for children to learn that their parents are fallible too, it makes their own mistakes easier for them to accept.

PurpleDaisies · 06/09/2016 11:35

And really...you'd all leave your partners if they lost their tempers and broke something...once? Wow....what blissfully calm lives you all must lead.

Yes-I broke up with a previous boyfriend after he threw his keys at me. It was horrible and brought back all the memories of how my dad used to behave like that.

Ginslinger · 06/09/2016 11:35

You've had a shit morning - do you have any support? It's hard to hold it all together sometimes.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 11:36

Do the kids have any support? They haven't had the best day so far I would imagine

squoosh · 06/09/2016 11:36

The purse throwing incident just sounds like an end of the tether moment for someone who was stony broke. As an isolated incident it's not a great thing to do but it's not violent in the way that smashing things is.

Kenworthington · 06/09/2016 11:37

Op I will say in the calm light of day that ywbu but I'll follow it with a confession- I've done it too. And yes it scared the shit out of my kids and I was apologetic and guilty and all the rest for a long time. I was at the end of my tether. Literally felt like I was having some sort of breakdown. Kids were quite little and challenging (ds1 AS, ds2 ADHD and dd). I was exhausted, drained, depressed and I felt like I was doing it all on my own. Dh was Woking long hours and i had no help. Eventually I locked myself in the bathroom and cried down the ohine to my hv who got me some help at a family centre. This was years ago and I stil think of it. However I've asked my kids before about being shouty and they look at me in bewilderment. I think I'm outwardly quite laid back and build stuff up inside me. And unfortunately that's how it came out. Kids are teenagers now and life is so much less stressful. for you, ask for some help, from anyone, have a break, talk to adults in the same boat who get it. If I could go back I wouldn't have done it but knowing my kids and how they are and how they behave I don't believ lasting damage has been done to them from one crazed incident.

PovertyPain · 06/09/2016 11:37

Agree with you Kim. I hardly think the OP came on here to boast about losing her shit. The difference between her and the men that have been discussed, on here, is the men aren't here looking for help or admitting they lost it. I'm going to be charitable and assume the OP is looking for help.

squoosh · 06/09/2016 11:39

Seek help. Mind do anger courses for a fiver, self-referral.

That certainly sounds like something worth pursuing.

NerrSnerr · 06/09/2016 11:39

Honestly op it's not good at all. I would contact GP and health visitor and speak to them and ask for parenting classes and/ or anger management. This kind of shit is damaging to children and needs to be stopped.

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/09/2016 11:39

It's not something I'd condone, but it's not abusive.

Actually, smashing things up can be considering absuive in the context of a relationship, be that between two adults or adult and child. As a one off, no, it's probably not abusive but long-term it certainly is abusive behaviour. It's scary and it's a way of making people behave a certain way out of fear.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 11:40

But the OP isn't looking for help and isn't particularly sorry either - she's obviously still angry with them. So how is that different)

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 06/09/2016 11:41

And really...you'd all leave your partners if they lost their tempers and broke something...once? Wow....what blissfully calm lives you all must lead.

Yes my life is very calm now I'm out of the women's refuge I was in because I put up with years of shit like cups being thrown in temper and I now see and am dealing with the effect that's had on my children.

bellbellunited · 06/09/2016 11:41

Yab so very u

WuTangFlan · 06/09/2016 11:41

Breaking things in anger is classed as domestic abuse for a reason.

In addition, if a chip had flown off a shattered cup and injured one of your DC (who sound pretty small if they're still using a time out step) then you'd have bigger problems explaining that away to a medical professional, as they try to extract embedded crockery.

I'm not sure why you posted in AIBU - clearly you were totally unreasonable. You need to get help. I agree with a pp who suggested posting on another topic for support as probably the best way forwards.

PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 06/09/2016 11:41

Also: you said in your OP that you have been following best parenting advice all summer.

Quit that!

Seriously. it'd be good to chat to someone for the kid's sake, but nobody can be on 100% all the time.

Allow yourself some breathing space, we can't be at our best if we're not kind to ourselves too. Imagination flourishes when given space anyway, boredom breeds invention.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 06/09/2016 11:42

Jesus if it was a one off in sure they are all over it by now.

I remember doing this with a whole rack of plates of the drainer. Then had to drive to Argos crying to buy a new set of plates. Dd1 now 21 is not scarred

Sometimes our emotions get the better of us - we are not robots or perfect Pete on an Internet forum.

Get your self some wine op and start early

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 06/09/2016 11:43

My ex used to do this when he was losing an argument, I assume it was designed to intimidate me into submission. It didn't, it got him his marching orders.

I'm no zen style earth mother, but that was an extreme reaction and not ok. What if one of the shards had hit the kids when it bounced off the floor? You need to try and find a way to deal with stress, speak to your local sure start centre about their parent survival course to start with. And apologise to the kids for scaring them.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 06/09/2016 11:43

That's some epic meltdown. You need to sit down and calm down firstly. I'm a big believer in apologizing when you do something really fucking stupid. I would suggest you do that as it was likely very scary for the kids. Then you work on making sure it doesn't happen again. If you are going to loose your shit, walk away.

I broke a plate in anger years ago. I felt really shitty afterwards. I apologized to DH and got my shit together. Every time I feel like doing something similar I think back to that moment I realized how much of a twat I was and it stops me repeating it.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 06/09/2016 11:44

Putting up with years of shit Elsa is different from one occation of a mother throwing a few cups on the floor - not at any one.

Ffs!

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